Post # 1
I’ve been wanting to write this post for about a week, but didn’t have the balls (ovaries?) up to this point. I know that this post may open a can of worms, but I want to get feedback from other bees on here as to whether or not I’m being too sensitive, and whether or not I should hope for this issue to change. Also, to preface this post, everyone I’ve personally interacted with on the Bee has been amazing, supportive, helpful and caring. I don’t intent to hurt anyone by writing this.
Here’s the thing: I’ve been an enthusiastic lurker for months, and just started posting more often recently. I’ve gotta say, I think it’s a lot of fun, and I really enjoy being part of an online community like this, especially when I seem to share so many interests with other bees on here. However, the more posts I read that I want to respond to, the more I notice that the intended audience for a lot of the polls and advice questions seem to be aimed solely at heterosexual females. For example, “when did he pop the question?” or “are you going to ask him to marry you?” (I tried to think of general examples – not referencing a specific post here).
I’m not gonna lie, it makes me feel a bit left out. There are definitely lots (or at least a fair number) of lgbtq bees on here, and at least a couple of guys. And I know (or hope, at least) no one is doing this to be deliberately exclusive, and perhaps I shouldn’t be so sensitive. I’m just so tired of having people I meet malign my relationship or deliberately misunderstand that I’m not dating a guy, that my partner is not my roommate, etc etc. This type of attitude is pervasive and it feels like I’m faced with it a lot – and gay marriage is legal where I am! I guess I was hoping that I would feel more included in this type of community.
LGBTQ bees, does this bother you too? Is it wrong for me to hope for more inclusive language in posts and polls?
Post # 3
I get where you are coming from and I think I would be bothered by this too if I were in your shoes. I’m heterosexual but I do have a number of LGBTQ friends and acquaintances. Truthfully, if I ever only said “he” or “him” in reference to an SO, it’s totally oversight and not an intentional exclusion. I’ll be honest and say I never really thought of this, except when the thread is clearly posted by an LGBTQ individual, and I’ll adjust the pronouns and whatnot as needed. If I ever reference a generic SO in the future (when the OP has not specified a gender), I personally will give it more thought!
Post # 4
I get what you mean, but I dont think its purposeful. I think when people write a post, they’re writing it while thinking of themselves, so its just a go-to to say “him.” If that makes any sense.
Post # 5
I don’t think that it’s wrong for you to hope for more inclusive language. But, I think that it’s one of those things that will take time to reorient people’s psyches. This is primarily because when most people post/respond to posts, they do so based on their personal situation and experiences. So, I’m married to a man, I am conditioned to respond to questions based on my male/female relationship.
It’s sad that the world tends to revolve around the wishes/normalcies of the majority. It just takes time to see some adjustment in people’s thought pattern.
Post # 6
I think a lot of the bees who post polls just aren’t thinking of that when they write their posts and polls because they’re often posting about themselves and the majority of bees are heterosexual females. However, I do think it’s important to request inclusive language from the Weddingbee-sponsored polls like The Buzz.
Post # 7
I’m sorry you’ve been feeling this way. I think the reason is – what you said – that the majority of people on here are heterosexual females and we just don’t think twice before posting something like that. I don’t think though, that anyone writes things like that with the intention of leaving anyone out. I’m glad you made us aware of it, because I’m sure you’re not the only one. I know that I will try to be more conscious of generalizing in this way! 🙂
Post # 8
In defense of the English language, “he” is often used as a gender-neutral pronoun, in the same way that “man” refers to both men and women. (“All men are created equal.” “The origin of man.” so on and so forth.)
I doubt anyone is trying to be intentionally malicious.
Post # 9
Sorry you are feeling left out, but I agree with other Bees that no one is doing this intentionally. Just because a poll says “how did he propose” or something to that effect doesn’t mean you can’t vote in it and then share your story about you and your FI too.
Post # 10
I was just thinking about this last week. Even tho im not of the LGBTQ community, and am gulity of exclusive language.. not on purpose.. i will def make an effort use SO instead of Him/her.. 🙂
Post # 11
As a woman marrying another woman I can see how things arent truly inclusive of “us” BUT I have no problem participating in the boards and pointing out that I am marrying the love of my life who happens to be a female. Most of the ladies are welcoming of it and have no problems with the acknowledgement or correcting themselves when they assume I’m marrying a man.
I feel most people in this world are conditioned to when they hear the word marriage, its automatically assumed to be a man and a woman. As members of the LGBT community we must speak up and speak out. Not in an “in your face” kinda way but more like “Hey, we’re here and we have many a stories to share!”.
So many of my posts and responses are overall struggles of the planning process, dress selection, choosing a location, etc. I think most of people on here can relate to the struggles of wedding planning, whether it be hetero or homo. With all that being said, no more lurking! Come on and share your stories/insight, both good and bad!
Post # 12
@sparklebow: I don’t think you’re being oversensitive; I sometimes get irked by questions like ‘When are you going to start a family?’ as I find it a bit presumptuous, and kind of lumping everyone into one group rather than taking account of differences.
However, I agree with PPs in that when a lot of people post questions/polls they’re thinking about themselves/their situation, and so just forget to be more inclusive.
Also, I do think we could end up being TOO PC; eg saying s/he all the time instead of she or he; phrasing questions to include everyone (eg not ‘When are you going to start a family?’ but ‘If you want to have children, when do you plan on starting a family?’). That isn’t meant to sound dismissive or to suggest that being inclusive is a bad thing, merely that I think people can get a bit too wrapped up in what they can/can’t say, if that makes any sense.
Post # 13
@sparklebow: I see where you’re coming from but I don’t think it’s intentional. It’s like the majority of posters on here are females – the majority of posts are geared towards the female perspective so the men on here probably also feel left out/excluded on those. I would probably be sensitive to it as well, I try and use SO when referring to other peoples relationships (FI is weird to me for some reason) I typically only use FH when referencing my SO (and i will make a more concerted effort moving forward to make sure that I do so).
Post # 14
@sparklebow: do you mean like saying “he” instead of SO? And using more “he/she” instead?
Post # 15
@pixiecat: +1. I love posting in the proposal posts because my proposal was absolute PERFECTION!
Post # 16
I see where you’re coming from. The problem is that the majority will always use language that refers to themselves/their group.
For example: white people will never describe someone else as white, but will almost always describe someone of another race as their race. It’s not intentional, it’s just framed by our worldview.