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Hi,
i think that this is rather tricky in that it depends on the bride and what parts of the wedding are really important to her. it seems that the main importance is that you found someone after working hard to find a healthy relationship and you want to celebrate this union. the lesser import is how your BMs "look" on your wedding day. On one hand it is not unreasonable to ask your BMs to invest in dress that they can wear again but perhaps you did not discuss with ALL of them how much is a fair amount to spend. $228 for a dress (esp one that you did not choose) is not a typical purchase for some people. add to that the expense of a wedding gift, possible travel expenses and the bill adds up for each BMs. I am paying for two dresses for each of my BMs - it;s a cultural thing for us to pay for them. Some other brides have offered to help pay for half or some of the cost of the dress if they know that their friend has financial difficulty. I hope this helps - in no way was it meant to take sides. good luck and congrats on finding "the one." =)
I think it depends on what is normal for your group of friends. I have been in 4 weddings and every one has had an over $200 dress. I have never worn any of them again and unless it is to a costume party I don't plan to. I have no complaints. I knew what I was signing up for when I agreed to be in those weddings. Was this a shock for your friend that you picked at 225 dress?
For the most part, (unless like twocities you are prepared to pay for their dresses) there are financial obligations that go along with being a bridesmaid and when you accept that position you should be prepared for it. I think she was out of line. And this is going to sound harsh, and i'm sorry for that, but I was in a wedding with a bridesmaid who constantly complained of the cost of everything: the shower, the gift we wanted to buy for the bride for the shower, the dresses etc. and it just made it really annoying for us fellow bridesmaids to deal with. [note: we offered to pay for her share, but she just really wanted us to do/buy crappy stuff for every part of the wedding].. I wish the bride had just made her a guest book holder or a reader- something that doesn't carry the financial responsibility because it made everything SO much more difficult.
Hmmm, I think it depends on what your friend's situation is. It could be that her financial situation does not allow her to splurge on dresses or that she really truly does not like the dress. Just because we (brides) choose a non-BM dress, it doesn't mean that its in the BM's taste or that they'll ever wear it again. That said, I myself did pick out my BM dresses but I am paying for all of my BM's dresses.
If your BM is a student or is not financially stable, $228 is a lot of money to spend on dress for a wedding. You have to factor in the other costs that she would have to incur as well: wedding gift for you, bachelorette party, bridal shower, shoes, hair and makeup. It all adds up to be a lot. If money is truly the issue here, maybe you can offer to pay for her dress or part of it?
Also, I think the fact that she told you she wasn't upset w/ you (even though you know she was) shows that she probably wasn't trying to purposely upset you. It sounds like she is willing to buy a $228 dress (despite not liking it) to be in your wedding. Maybe trying talkign to her and tell her how you feel?
I think when people agree to become a BM/MoH, they are also agreeing to the costs that come with the territory - the BM dress, hair and makeup, coordinating the shower, and the bachelorette party (if the bride wants all of the above). None of these events have to be expensive and can be creative.
It sounds like the real issue here is you have 2 people who value completely opposite things. You would spend money on really nice, fancy clothes. Your BM cares nothing for brand names and puts very little value on paying for quality when it comes to clothing. So by asking her to buy the Max Studio dress (I see nothing wrong with spending $228 on a dress that I look stunning in), it's probably killing her to do so.
This story reminds me of my dad. He only likes Chinese food from Flushing because it's cheap. I once took my parents out to a fancy French restaurant and when he saw the entree prices, he complained about how expensive it was. And while the rest of the family thought the food was good, he kept saying how the food was terrible and not worth it. The price totally colored his judgement on the food. So, I think the price of the Max Studio dress made your friend biased against the dress. She's going to think that the dress isn't worth the cost, no matter what. If you found a similar dress at Goodwill for $25, I can bet that she'll think the dress is nice.
IMO, I don't think it's selfish of you to pick a dress that you want your BMs to wear. You are the bride and that's your right. But I can also see why your BM is reacting the way she is reacting. And I think it has nothing to do with you personally. It does go against everything she's done all her life (in terms of clothes shopping habit). I think she's trying to suck it up by saying she's not mad at you (knowing that it's her BM duty) but sometimes you can't help the way you feel and the "tone" is reflected in her voice and in how she said it.
I have no solutions for you but hopefully this will make you not be as mad at her.
I think that you normally go in to the experience of being a BM (which I have done several times) figuring that you're going to buy a dress you will never wear again. Really, all I ask is that it be reasonably priced for a dress I will probably never wear again, and that the bride NOT try to convince me that I'll wear it over and over! Come on, any dress I would really wear over and over would be a dress I picked out myself. What you mean is that YOU would wear it again. Its not the same thing at all.
I do think that it is reasonable to get some consensus from the BMs as to what is a reasonable price for a dress before you start shopping for them. If you have one BM who just can't see spending what the dress you want her in will cost, the reasonable thing is either for you to foot the bill, or for the two of you to agree on some other wedding related function for her to fulfill.
Too expensive is sort of in the eye of the beholder - which means that if your BM thinks the dress was too expensive, then for her it was. Probably if your BM generally shops the clearance rack at KMart, she is in shock over the price of the dress. To make her feel like you are doing her some kind of favor in dressing her right for once seems to just add insult to injury. And it sounds like you knew from the start that the dress wasn't something she would ever buy on her own, right?
I agree with Spruce08- when you agree to be a bridesmaid there is a financial obligation that you should also consider before accepting. It is that bridesmaids responsibility to let the bride know if her finances are stretched in anyway.
I am 33 also. I have a collection of dresses that I will never wear again (and I am really beginning to question why I even keep them). Each of those dresses cost well over $200 and no one considered the wearability I would get out of them. I am picking my maids dresses. I am not taking a poll and I am not even choosing black. I know that my friends primary concern is to reciprocate how accomodating I was to purchasing and wearing (with a smile) a dress that they felt would compliment thier vision for their day.
It is an honor to have someone stand up for you at your wedding, but is also an honor to be loved enough to be asked to stand up.
I think in general it's a bride's responsibility to discuss price with her bridesmaids before she finds a dress. You don't want any of your brides to be shocked...perhaps if she knew you were aiming for a $230 bridesmaid dress she would have opted out. It's possible that that amount of money truly is a burden on her and if she had known it she wouldn't have been a part of the wedding or she may have moral objections to spending that amount of money on something she sees as superficial. As far as whether or not it really is too expensive...it depends on the circle you run in, but I think once you start to go over the $200 mark is when you should start being sensitive to people's financial situations. Especially since it's really simple to find black dresses that are less then that amount and that don't look like bridesmaid dresses. And no matter how much you think a dress is rewearable it really just isn't for a lot of people. I'd never rewear most of the "rewearable" dresses friends have picked for me. That being said, if all the other bridesmaids are fine with the dess and if she brings it up again give her the option to opt out of being a bridesmaid and/or offer to help pay.
I have a friend with a similar financial perspective. Even though we are very good friends, I chose not to ask her to be in the bridal party. It would inevitably have become awkward and I wanted to spare her any embarassment over finances. It will be enough for me to have her attend the wedding, and she can wear whatever she pleases. So I think that you were each a tiny bit inconsiderate of each other. Can you offer to pay for half the dress for just that one bridesmaid as a gesture of friendship? If you think that would embarass her you could ask her to help you with a specific wedding task (like addressing envelopes) then tell her you would like to pay for her dress as a thank you for her help.
I think you really need to consider the fact that anyone who hasnt been in a wedding before, has no idea what the actual cost of being a bridesmaid will be. I agreed to be a bridesmaid at my future sister in laws wedding at was blown away by what it cost me. Over $2000 and I didnt even know her that well at the time. You are thinking that the dress isnt "that expensive" but it ALL adds up. Whats next $100 shoes? a $30 necklace and a plane ticket or two for the bachelorette and wedding? Now that I am planning my own wedding, I am keeping that experience in mind. My bridesmaids are great, but cant afford extravagence. So, Im paying for part of thier dresses and planning all the big events near them (since Im the one that moved away). Maybe your post came across wrong, but it really seems like you are being insensitive. Who cares WHY she is upset about the price of the dress. She IS upset and if you are good enough friends to ask her to be in you wedding, then you should be good enough friends to care about her feelings.
i also echo the financial obligations that bridesmaids are basically consenting to when they agree to be a bridesmaid. I personally don't think a $228 dress is THAT expensive but I also don't know your bridesmaid's financial situation. Maybe you can work out a compromise with her by supplementing the purchase price?
especially if she's never been in a wedding before...she might not realize just how much cost it entails. if she's like me (and has never spent more than $150 on a single piece of clothing) it might have come as a shock to her -- it can be hard to part with that much money at once if you're not accustomed to it. it sounds like she wants to make you happy and be with you on your wedding day, so a frank and compassionate conversation might be in order about expectations and future costs.
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while there are finanical obligations that are inherent when you accept an offer to be a bridesmaid, please remember that it is a honor you as a bride are bestowing on a dear friend, not an excuse to squeeze whatever cash she may have out of her. i think people tend to forget that while a bride may be predisposed to spending money while planning a wedding, a bridesmaid may not be. and i also don't think there should be such a high price tag on being a part of someone's special day.
i'm not a bride but i have been a bridesmaid on a few occasions and each time the bride made sure to ask what our threshold was for the dress price [which was never more than $150], which was considerate on their parts, especially when i was a poor intern one year. and for me, my most expensive dress i bought that i DO wear over and over again was $60.
you don't really say this but did you talk to your bridesmaids about what they'd feel comfortable paying before selecting a dress? it also sounds like you already knew her shopping style so it seems very odd that, knowing that, you insist that she drop $228 on a dress, regardless of the possible rewearability and then are put off when she refuses? i hope i'm not sounding harsh or anything. you should sit down and talk to all your bridesmaids about any concerns they may have, maybe find another dress or, if you're in the position, to subsidize the cost of the dress in anyway if this is the dress you have your heart set on. good luck.
6x Bridesmaid and Im very opinated
I always felt that bride never considered the bridemaids pocketbooks before asking us. I once walked out on a dress and left it at the store because I foundout it was switched out with a $300 Bill Levkoff Dress that I would never wear again or AFFORD!
The bride knew my funds and also knew i was still in college and living withmy parents and waiting tables. I could not afford the dress, the accssories or the bridesmaid shower. I still attended the wedding and felt bad about buying a $30 vase as a gift. But I showed up smiled and spported my friend.
In the end the bride insulted me and the dress that I could afford to wear (as a guest!) and the gifts I gave her. We did not talk for a year after that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I ask brides to be considerated and DISCREET about there bridesmaids finances and offer to keep the dress chic, simple and wearabl
If your friend pays for the dress maybe she can receive the hose, shoes and manicure as a bridesmaid gift?
Meet her in the middle without going over your budget or ask her politely to step down and be the guestbook girl but include her in your bridesmaid parties!
Or heck pick out 3 dresses in black in 3 different price ranges and ask the bridesmaids to pick whicj one but tell the MOH to PRAISE the dress YOU REALLY want so that others agree with her, maybe that'll help your friend to change her mind?(if she sees what everyone else likes?)
Be careful if you make her mad tho, you might receive towels from KMART in a Sak 5th Ave Gift Box. I've seen that done before and an embarressed bride walk out of Saks with a set of crappy towels!
Upset Bridesmaids become Gorrilas in a wedding war....
first off, girlfriend I feel you. I'm 32 and doing an Aug wedding but with 3 bridesmaids....errr matrons.
I agree with others that it depends on your circle of friends/financial status but like you, I'm a style freak and two of my mommies.... not so much. The one that is a style vixen finds her threads at H&M & asian persuasion, and though she always looks amazing, paying +$200 for a dress (mine are $350 say wha????) is probably out of reach. but those are my issues. lets talk about yours.....
Since your girlfriend has a clearly differing fashion sense, then you need to do the right thing and pick out a dress that YOU THINK will look fab on her and let her deal with that. If she can't then she's clearly immature. I'T A BLACK DRESS!!! HOW BAD CAN IT BE!? This is not high school prom. You are not 22 and getting married and putting everyone in matching french twists.
A solution might be that if you have each girl wear a different style of black dress then maybe you can find something great for her in the $150 range???
but alas..... this means more work for you. :(
Hmm, it seems like you and your BM are at opposite extremes in terms of your opinions on this matter. You and she value fashion differently. You must know that a $228 dress is very expensive for her, but she also must have known that you wouldn't be choosing a bridesmaid dress from Kmart or Goodwill, so she probably shouldn't be THAT shocked. It sounds like she's willing to pay for the dress anyway though even though she doesn't like it, so maybe you could make it easier on her by offering to discreetly pay a portion of it for her since you know it's not something she will wear again and it's not the kind of money she usually spends on clothing?
I think it's nice to get a general idea from all of your BM's what they might like to wear, but ultimately the final decision has to rest with you, and it's very difficult to pick a dress that five different girls will love. I had 4 BM's - all different ages, body types, and fashion sensibilities. I finally found a dress that I and 3 of my BM's loved. The 4th one hated it, and one of the other girls hated the price point although she loved the dress. It's virtually impossible to please everyone - just do the best you can. At this point I think you should stick with the dress you've selected and just offer to pay a portion of this friend's dress cost, or maybe pay for her shoes and accessories to help offset the cost.
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Let us know what happens!
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<span class="postby"> I totally agree with <span class="postby">suzanno. It is totally crazy to expect everyone in the bridal party to like a dress enough to wear it over and over, especially if everyone is wearing the same dress and see each other regularly for social events. Maybe you should focus less on everyday wearability or high quality materials and think about finding something that will look good for the one day. This doesn't mean that you have to switch to polyester, but it wouldn't be so bad to open yourself up to something at a lower price range that will still go with your event. If you are in love with your selection, please discretely offer to help your bridesmaid out. Money shouldn't be a barrier to participating in a wedding. It's a shame that so many bridesmaids get kicked out when they can't cover the costs because they are in school or don't make as much as the other bridesmaids.
However, if this girl is a complainer, then it would be best to ask her to step down. If it's just the dress that bothers her please cut her some slack.
<span class="postby">There are so many costs that come with being a bridesmaid, but one never quite knows the total when they sign up. How fancy will the shower be? Will the bachelorette party be in Vegas or a bar at home? Will the bridesmaid dress cost a week's wages? This is all stuff that the bridesmaids don't have control over. I can understand the anxiety if a bride chooses to go higher end without talking to the bridesmaids. This doesn't mean that a bride has to give up a catered shower, but it might mean that she should consider the cost and help out if necessary.
clearly by my moniker, i am a budget bride. cost is neck and neck with appearance as i search for something for my bms to wear on our day.
i'm also in the Southeast which usually costs less when it comes to wedding stuff.
those things being said. i think since you both have such different fashion sense and ideas of how much clothing should cost, i think you both have reacted normally. now knowing exactly what she said, i dont know if she meant to be rude. but for a budget conscious person (since she sounds like one) $200+ is on the high end for a bm dress.
others above have had good suggestions...perhaps try one of those out. but i would give her the benefit of the doubt here. she probably is shocked. if she is used to paying $10-$20 for an article of clothing and then was told that she needed to pay $228 for a black dress (which is avail in lots of less expensive price points) a bit of shock would be expected.
but it is your day and your perogative to choose any dress you want. in the end, you should be happy with the decision.
i think that it's completely reasonable of your BM to be upset that she is being asked to pay $200+ for a dress that she would never buy otherwise. i understand that every bride feels like the wedding is her day and therefore everyone should be supportive enough to do what it takes to make that day special for her. but please try to have some perspective and realize that not everyone is going to feel like they should go broke just to ensure they fit in with your wedding colors and themes. if you really feel so strongly about such an expensive dress, you should really offer to pay for it. also, you must have known that she would have objected to such a $$ dress if she normally shops at the clearance rank at kmart and goodwill.
remember, your day is not about the colors and the dresses and BMs...it's about you being with the person you love for the rest of your life! as you said, you've worked very hard to get to where you are to be happy. don't let one dress that your BMs will wear for one day ruin that for you!
The thing that stood out to me was in these lines:
"It was more than i wanted them to spend but i could not find a dress of decent quality that would fit everyone and didn't look like a bridesmaid dress. If they were going to spend money, I wanted to make sure it was something they could wear again."
You say right there that you didn't want them to have to spend that much on a dress that was going to be a "wear once" thing. And you basically say that since you're sure they CAN wear it again, it's worth it. Except that "CAN" isn't "WILL." And you admit that your friend doesn't like the dress. So she most likely won't wear it again, making it a "wear once" dress for the higher price you already said you didn't want them to have to pay for such a thing.
It's possible that she just doesn't like spending that much on a dress, and that once it's purchased she WILL enjoy wearing it again. But she might not, making it an overly expensive purchase at that price (again, as you already admitted).
Perhaps you should ask your bridesmaids (all of them) whether they would prefer to spend extra on a dress they can/will wear again, or whether they'd prefer to spend less on one-shot deal that's still black and stylish. Heck, if you're that concerned about wearability, perhaps you can let them choose their own black dresses, subject to your approval. You'd be surprised at what's available for lower prices.
Remember, your friend isn't refusing to buy it, she's just upset and trying to keep from showing it. If you can't subsidize the dress directly, maybe give her an extra-nice gift card for her next birthday, or something similar so you're not imposing TOO much on her overall budget.
I think paying for half of the dress cost is reasonable. The alterations add a lot to the cost too. For my MOH dress the alterations alone were $95.
Well, to decide who is being unreasonable it depends on what your bridemaid is upset about- you don't say- is it that she just simply does not like the dress (it is not her choice) or she is upset about the cost and that is what she doesn't like.
In terms of cost Max Studio is a high end brand that rarely is on sale (except at the outlet). If you have not purchased the dresses could you look at Nordstrom Online (sale section), Macy's, or other stores?? I'm assuming maybe you already have.
The reason I ask is because I do think $228 is high especially when some people don't care for dresses (so won't weat them again) or may have to pay additional fees for alterations. Then again I'm glad you gave your age because at 33, most people can probably afford a couple hundred dollars for a dress. Just some thoughts. . .
I agree with pretty much everything everyone has said so far! (even the contrasting bits, haha)
The only thing I wanted to add was that when it really comes down to it, is it more important that your bridesmaid wears the dress period, wears the dress & is happy about it, or is happy but not necessarily wearing the dress. For me, I tried to make my bridesmaids talk amongst themselves to find something they all liked, but as time was running out there had been very little discussion so I finally just made an executive decision. Two friends were in precarious money situations and were technically "willing" to buy the dress, but I could tell they weren't going to be happy about it (one had asked if couldn't they all just wear their own black dresses, and the other said she'd maybe ask her mom to pay for it). So I just secretly (aka not telling any of the other bridesmaids) told them "I am sending you a check for the cost of the dress," and sent it - even though both of them protested loudly and often. A week later one check cleared in spite of that. Several months later (seriously?? haha) the other one did. I don't know what your financial situation is, but for me personally, adding the cost of two $150 dresses to my wedding budget was not going to make or break my finances, so I just sucked it up because I didn't want them to be unhappy about having to spend the money on a dress they would never have bought otherwise. Would they have found a way to wear the dresses if I hadn't done it? Probably. Would they have resented me for it? I'm gonna go with probably again. They are both really nice people who wanted to be there for me, but ultimately their wearing a specific dress to fit into my wedding vision wasn't their highest priority, which I entirely respect, so I just figured this would help smooth the bumps. Just a thought!
I generally find all the BEEs to be spot on when it comes to wedding advice. I have to disagree with most of the responses on here. We are what the media portrays brides as. Bridezillas!
First off people don't shop at goodwill and Kmart because they have no taste or fashion sense they shop their because they have no money. Trust me people with money but no taste still shop at Macy's and Nordstrom they just buy ugly things.
Also everyone here is all about how it is such an honor to be a bridesmaid and that our maids should just put up and shut up. What? We asked them to join us because we love them and wanted them next to us during this special occassion. If you really want your bridesmaids to have a dress they will wear again just tell them to buy a black dress they like. I am sure that if you are going with just black you can find something a little less expensive that they would all enjoy and may actually get use out of.
We need to stop thinking that everyone is in the same mindset as we are. We are paying for weddings and buying the most special dress we will ever wear. So we spend thousands of dollars. But our bridesmaids are in college or new mothers or friends starting out in their careers. They are merely taking off a few days to help out a friend they don't want to spend a fortune on a dress to wear once.
Yes $230 isn't that much when you are buying a dress that YOU love and will wear again. It is when you are buying a dress your girlfriend loves and you will only wear for 8 hours.
We need to start thinking of others as well as ourselves during this special time.
Trust me this is coming from a bride to be who at one point ate nothing but $1 soup and speghetti-o's for 6 months so that I could afford the dresses for two weddings that year neither of which have I ever worn again.
I love the line in 27 Dresses where they say "The best part is you can have it hemmed and wear it again". Get real this is your taste not theirs, be kind and take that into consideration.
P.S. I paid for my bridesmaids dresses to help them out and then I got to have something very bridesmaidy since I paid and they never have to wear it again.
Hi,
I think you should check out this post: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/how-much-is-too-much-for-bridesmaid-dresses
Almost everyone on that post agreed that $150 was an acceptable maximum for a bridesmaid dress.
$228 is a lot of money, and even though I have it, I'd probably object to being ask to pay that too.
You cannot compare a guys tux rental cost to bridesmaid costs. BM's have to pay for: dress/shoes/hair/makeup/shower gift/shower hosting/bachelorette hosting as well as a wedding gift. GM pay for tux/bachelor party and a wedding gift. Not at all the same amount of investment.
You ask your BM's to stand with you as you get married for their moral support, not to look good. Shame on you for complaining that your bridesmaid has "bad manners" for objecting to a $228 dress.
No one cares about your wedding as much as you do (nor should they). There are thousands of nice dresses available for $150 or less, so there is no reason that you have to have the $228 one.
And there are very few bridesmaids who will wear a BM dress more than once, even if it is "rewearable". It's still the dress they wore as a BM, and it's still probably more your style than theirs.
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SanFranBride, you're right on.
To answer the question, "Inconsiderate BRIDE." Will it really ruin your day to have the bridesmaids just choose their own dresses (and you get to approve them), as ladies above have suggested?
NEVER in all my life have I found it necessary to spend as much on a dress as you're asking your BMs to. Not even for my prom, or formal banquets where I was in the spotlight getting an award. I have 13 formal dresses, and not a one of them cost over $110. They were still good quality, beautiful dresses, and I have re-worn them on several occasions.
My bridesmaids were good friends who, yes, were honored to stand up with me, but I didn't take advantage of that! They were both in college, and I remembered how difficult it was for me to pay bills during school. Is it so hard to ask each of the BMs (discreetly, of course) what they'd consider to be a reasonable price for a dress? Then, instead of being cornered into buying a dress they don't like, won't wear again, and can't afford, your ladies will feel like you genuinely care about them--instead of just recruiting them as troops to craft you the perfect day.
Helping out with shoes and makeup isn't enough to offset the cost of such an expensive dress. It's hardly a drop in the bucket. I suggest you sit down with the friend who's upset and talk with her to find out what you can do that will make her feel better. That would prove you really care.
My bridesmaids are wearing varying Jim Hjelm dresses of the same color. The dresses range about $230-$250. Like you, I sent the pictures of the dresses with/prices to my bms to get their approval before I made my final decision.
However, I know that their dresses are expensive so to help defray the total cost, I am paying for their alterations and their makeup. They can wear whatever shoes they want (I trust them), and I've given them the option of having their hair done professionally. The shower and bachelorette party will be combined, and each bm will not have to pay more than $50 out of pocket. And last but not least, I'm asking (more like mandating) them not to get me any sort of gifts (this goes for both shower and wedding) because I feel like the time they've spent to help make this wedding happen is the best gift possible.
So is a dress that is more than $200 asking a lot? Yes, but you can make other compromises as well so that you can have your cake and eat it too.
I guess I am wondering why you asked this gal to be your BM at all... you think she has bad manners, you think she is inconsiderate, and you clearly already thought she had no taste. If she is really your friend, figure out some way to include her in the wedding without making it your HUGE favor to her as some kind of fashion make-over or education (and trust me, she knows that you think her taste is trash). If she's really inconsiderate and has bad manners and no taste, seriously cut her loose. What are you doing being friends with her anyway?
Going back and reading the initial post, and honestly (not to just be mean), what do your past bad relationships, your therapy, and your age have to do with any of this? Are your BMs somehow obligated to put up with more, or look better, or be happier for you than if you were 25 and marrying your high school sweetheart? I am kind of wondering if you aren't taking it all a little too seriously. Unless you have reason to believe that you will be photographed for Vanity Fair, there is no particular excuse for straining a friendship over a designer dress. There must be some middle ground between the cheap dress that looks bad and the $200+ dress. I would try to find it.
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I'm on the other side of the fence, and i'm starting to feel like i'm being taken advantage of! I'm really sensitive to the bridesmaids financial situation here, They don't make as much money as fiance and I do, so I've paid for not one dress, but two! (one for the reception and one for the ceremony). All I am expecting the girls to do is to get the reception dress fitted for them and they have to pay for that themselves. I'm spending more on the bridesmaids than i am on myself, but again, because I wanted to as these girls were there for me in college. What's bugged me is that they have yet to offer to pay for a single thing...and no, they're not going to have to get new shoes, the dress is a floor length. They don't have to buy accessories as I planned to make each one their own accessories.
So no money out of their pocket yet, they wanted makeup and hair done at $120 each, which they thought it be a lot of money for me to pay x4 (still not offering to pay), they were expecting me to pay for it?? I have yet to decide to pay for that. I can't say I wasn't upset at this, so if that's being brizella, then i guess i'm guilty of it.
So when it comes down to it, its all relative. For some people, they don't care if it cost thousands (me..what's more important to me was for them to have OFFERED!), for others, even a hundred can be strenuous (they simply have different priories and you can't blame them). If its important to you that they put on a $200 plus dress and they didn't think otherwise, then find her a different dress more suitable or get her the dress (i finally decided to buy all the dresses because I was sick of all the differences in opinions...and it wasn't worth losing one or two friends over). I just think of that when I get frustrated.
lanny9, I'm confused. Are you asking your bridesmaids to get two dresses (ceremony + reception) ? In that case, you should be paying for atleast one.
In terms of hair/makeup - I always think that if the bride insists/requires hair+makeup to be professionally done, she should pay. If it's more like "hey, I'm getting my hair+makeup done, anyone else interested? I'll book you an appointment if you are" then BM's should pay.
So if it was you suggesting hair + makeup - I do think you should pay. If you suggested it, as an option, or they suggested it - you can offer to make appt's for any one interested, and be sure to mention it will be $X each.
whew, i think there are a lot of strong emotions and opinions going on right now 
, which is always natural with sensitive topics! But in the spirit of weddingbee, i thought i'd suggest to keep this thread objective and try to share advice in a non-targeted way :)
jenakev, in my wedding planning journey so far, i'm coming to realize that it is not just completely my own special day. it's a real celebration and special day for a lot of people involved, and even though it is challenging, i find that the day and the process ultimately is more special and joyous when we are able to really involve those that are special to us. i am guessing that you chose your bridesmaid because she has played an important role in your life. you want her to be there on your day, and i bet she is very honored as well! but people do have different tastes and preferences, and when money is involved, it always gets more tricky.
have you tried talking with her and seeing what bothers her specifically? it might mean a lot to her to at least have you inquire as to what seems to be bugging her. you'd be surprised...she may be ok with it, but just wants to be heard. if at that point, she says that she is ok with it, i would go ahead. but if she really is uncomfortable with the price, i would probably also try to find some middle ground, unless you would rather have her not be a bridesmaid. friendships go both ways, and having been a bridesmaid in the past, i know i would definitely appreciate it if the bride reached out to me and was considerate of how i felt. ultimately, i always want to be there for my friends and want to make their day special, and i try to be as considerate to them as they are to me. and i wouldn't want a disagreement over one dress to ruin my friendship, regardless of whether i was the bride or bridesmaid.
good luck with this situation!
I totally agree with maple - I have been a BM a number of times and have never had the bride not offer to pay for hair and makeup, if the bride is the one who wants it. Dress, okay, shoes, okay, I have no problem buying those at a reasonable cost. But if want to tell me I can't possibly look acceptable without professional help... and I have to foot the bill myself - at that point I would be tempted to opt out of the fashion show.
I'm paying for both dresses for all the girls, then they were talking about hair and makeup and it sounds like they're suggesting that i pay (two wants to get professional hair and makeup and two doesn't want to). So far, I've ordered their dresses and is only asking they pay for alternations. But it seems like i'll be paying for hair and makeup too, but that's going to be up to my budget. =(
I think that bottom line it's your wedding and they wear what you want them too. Trying to get 5 different people to agreeon one dres is nothing more then a nightmare waiting to happen.
It doens't sound like from your description of your friend, anything she will like - you won't like. So she needs to realize she agreed to be in your wedding and if you want her to wear a hot pink leather jump suit with a peace sign bedazzzled on the back - then that's what she will wear. It's not about her, and while she may not like it - in all honestly a lot of BM's hate their dresses and are disgusted at the thought of having to spend money on such a thing. I don't like any of the ones I had to wear - but it wasn't about me - it was about the honor I was given to stand up there for my friend on the biggest day of her life to date.
Lanny - I think that if you want your BMs to all having matching up-dos or professional make-up, you should pay. If they just want to have a girls' afternoon in the salon the day of the wedding, that's not necessarily your responsibility. Especially if you have already bought dresses. Maybe you could cover one salon type of thing as your gift to them, but if you already have gifts for them you're not obligated. For my sister's wedding she covered a mani, pedi, up-do, or facial for each of us that morning. If we wanted the whole works, we had to pony up the rest of the money ourselves!
Kudos to SanFranBride! Refreshing. But nthere's been lots of other good comments on here too--points to you too, suzanno...
One little pet peeve in the general ongoing dilemma of bride v. bridesmaid in re:BM Dress--
Why do brides try on bridesmaid dresses? I mean, I understand that it's an attempt to see what the dress might look like. But obviously dresses are designed for different bodies, just as bridesmaids come with different bodies. As a bride, please don't eliminate a BM dress just because it doesn't look good on you!
Too true brendalynn. When my sister got married, she actually picked out two dresses (both black, both Nordstrom). We all knew which BM was the pickiest, so we sent her out to try on. She hated them both. So we (the BMs) picked out two alternate dresses, both of which the picky BM liked, and both of which were acceptable to the rest of us, and emailed the pics to my sister. She picked her favorite from those two choices. Kind of unorthodox... but the problem with the first two dresses was they were really, really, slutty-short on all four of us BMs, who are tall. On my sister, who is short, I'm sure they were great. But they made us look like street-walkers.
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