incredibly sad – dealing with people not coming

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you can look at this as a quid pro quo. People’s lives change over time. I don’t know if your married friends have kids but if they do, flying to a wedding might not be in the budget. Kids are expensive and a $1000 weekend is a huge burden. Try not to be offended and just enjoy your day. It’s really about you and your FI anyway. 

Post # 2
Member
2661 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I don’t think you can look at this as a quid pro quo. People’s lives change over time. I don’t know if your married friends have kids but if they do, flying to a wedding might not be in the budget. Kids are expensive and a $1000 weekend is a huge burden. Try not to be offended and just enjoy your day. It’s really about you and your FI anyway. 

Post # 4
Member
1441 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2014

I’m sorry.  That sucks.  I’m having a tiny wedding too – we weren’t going to do save the dates because, as you say, our guest list is all our nearest and dearest, but my fiance started panicking that people might commit to something else before they know our date (his best friend mentioned that his cousin is getting married… on our date.  The friend is still coming to our wedding, but he just as easily might not have) … so we did them.  And your post is reminding me that even that is no guarantee that someone won’t have a conflict and that would make me sad too.  All I can say is try to focus on the people who ARE coming and have faith that your close friends love you and if they could be there, they would.

Post # 5
Member
957 posts
Busy bee

I know how you feel. My granparents RSVP’d yes and I found out the day before the wedding they decided not to come. It was like a knife in my heart. They had NEVER missed a wedding in the family. They went to my cousins wedding just a few months before. I felt – still feel – like the unimportant grandchild. 

My good friend of 10+ years also didn’t come. She told me she was, but “forgot” the date and wasn’t there. (She was even supposed to be a bridesmaid at one point but it didn’t work out, so this really felt like a slap in the face. She should have known the date). It still hurts to this day, 5 months later. 

I know that you will still enjoy your day though. My day was perfect and amazing, even with those important people not there. It might still hurt for awhile after, when you think about it. I don’t really have any advice there… but just know that your day will be amazing, and all that really matters is marrying the most important person in your life.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 8 months ago by  MrsGatito.
Post # 7
Member
193 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2014

I’m sorry this is happening to you : ( We haven’t got all our RSVPs back but I’m already trying to mentally prepare for when the no’s start coming because I know I’ll be having the same reaction as you.

I completely understand your feelings about feeling left out as the last one. I think most rational people are aware that it’s not quid pro quo but I don’t think that takes away the feeling of being a little resentful sometimes. We all have busy lives and we all have things going on, and yet you managed to get to theirs and make it a priority, so I can see how it would be hurtful to see them potentially not putting in the same effort back to you – even if they have completely valid reasons, it can still sting a little. Like what HannahGrace:  said, I think the only thing you can do is focus on the yes RSVPs. I truly believe that on the day of, you won’t even notice that those people aren’t there.

Post # 9
Member
3016 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2014 - Prague

MsGinkgo:  I have to say, I’m NOT someone who is either anxious or a little paranoid and I know I’m going to be a bit hurt on some level if certain people don’t make it to my wedding– and I have NO excuse, as mine is basically a major DW for the majority of my guests. I will make my rational self talk my irrational self down from the ledge, ha ha, but I know there will be a moment (or a few) when I just feel sad.

Virtual hugs!

Post # 10
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

MsGinkgo:  It’s understandable that you are disappointed, but I don’t think you should interpret their not coming as you being “unimportant” to them. It seems like everyone in a social circle gets married in the same 1-2 years and there are bound to be scheduling conflicts or people just can’t afford to go to all the weddings to which they’re invited. My FI had to miss the wedding of his best friend from high school because he was best man in his cousin’s wedding on the same day. I know a couple who was invited to 11 weddings last summer! I’m sure all those people are important to them, but they could only go to so many weddings in one summer.

You acknowledge that you are a little paranoid and anxious. I think this post is just your paranoia and anxiety talking. The next time you start thinking that people don’t like you, ask yourself, “is there any other possible explanation for them not coming to my wedding?” If you are honest with yourself, the answer is obviously yes.

Post # 11
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

 

MsGinkgo:  I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. It really breaks my heart because you are upset for the right reasons. You arent upset because the gifts werent what you wanted and you arent upset because your rose pink napkins looked more like hot pink. You are upset because you value these people and having them there would mean everything. Even though they wont be there for the actual wedding is it possible to do something at another time to have a different experience together? Like for the girl that a few hours away could you get together to go dress shopping or even take her to the venue so she could get a sneak peak of where it would take place? I know this part might be extreme but if possible i think it would be awesome to pull this off- now that you are all married plan a girls trip to get the 4 of you together and just share photos/experiences/memories from each one of your wedding days. You could even reflect on the childhood photos/memories leading up to the big days. One of my closest friends lives the furthest away but I love that we still have the experiences together. I am sure when I go dress shopping I will either send pics/facetime with her so that its like she is actually there with me. If you cant get the entire trip planned you guys could plan a skype night and could share photos that way. I expect to have between 50-100 guests but what I look forward to is that a smaller wedding means that it will be easier to interact with the people who are there and actually have the time to enjoy things instead of it being a huge blur.

Post # 12
Member
1526 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

 

MsGinkgo:  you are allowed to be upset, but try to be understanding.  Sometimes life just gets in the way.  hopefully these friends think to do something nice for you even though they cannot attend your wedding.  My college roommates couldnt make it to our wedding but sent us a beautiful card along with a generous gift.  I would have much rather had them there in person, but at least they expressed to us how much they wished they could have made it and showed that they were thinking of us.

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