Post # 1
Hey bees, this is my first post. I’ve been lurking for a couple of months now but have avoided signing up because I know I’ll spend even more time here! Anyway, here’s my question. I’m bad at writing short things…
My SO and I are pretty independent these days which I know is a good thing. We’ve been together just over a year and are very serious – the future was brought up 4 months in, and he basically told all his family at a recent wedding he attended that he wanted to marry me. We still have our issues but are very good at working through them.
That being said, we both get antsy for having our own time after spending a couple of days together. We don’t live together, so the time we do spend together is special and generally focused on us. This past year, he had an apartment and I lived in a dorm, so most weekends we were together Friday night – Sunday night. Eventually we both got a little tired of not having our own time on the weekends, so now that I’m in a house we generally spend weekend afternoons apart. And that all sounds fine, but after spending maybe 2 days straight together, I feel like I really need my space. But after a day or two, I’m more than ready to see him again. During the week we will see each other 1-3 times at night, depending on how busy we are.
I worry about this, because I hear so many people who love being with their SOs ALL the time, and one of his friends and his girlfriend are almost always together. I don’t know how they do it. We would just start fighting all the time if we were together that much. But with my ex, I was like that. We saw each other almost every day one summer, and even after week-long trips we took together I could have hung out with him for the next several days and have been happy. I was emotionally dependent on him however, which could have been it (not saying anyone on here is, just that it was my case!). I think the scars from that relationship make me terrified to spend all my time with someone
This worries me for the future, because if things go as planned we will be living together in the future. I know it’s different and that we can both have our own time while being in the same house, but I worry that I will get tired of being there with him all the time. I feel like that sounds horrible, but we’re both planning on this relationship being our last, and I get nervous about things that might mess it up in the future.
Does anyone else feel this same way with their SO?
Post # 3
Before I got together with my fiancé there was no one in the world, including my family, that I could spend all day every day with. So when I met him and the more serious we got I was worried that I was going to become “bored” or “annoyed” with him, but so far…it hasn’t happened, at least not in any major way. I suppose at the moment it helps that we only see each other once a week and when we are married we will only get a couple more “quality hours” of time together due to our work schedules being so different. Having said that, I have spent over a week with him on holiday where it has just been the two of us and I really enjoyed our time together.
Do the two of your work or go to school or college? Because if you do then that will automatically give you time apart from each other. And just because you’re living together or in the same house does not mean that you HAVE to do things together. Something I will sometimes say to my fiancé is, “I’ve got things I need to get done, so let’s do our own thing for a bit and then spend time together at…” That way we’ve still got our own personal space and time whilst also acknowledging that time as a couple is important too.
Post # 4
I’m not sure I can offer much advice, but it might be reassuring for you to know that I’ve felt the same in my relationship.
I do live with my partner, for about 5 years now, and we’re pre-engaged. Similar to you guys we’re both independent and don’t like to spent every minute of every day together. We spend time apart in the same house, but we also make time to spend together. We don’t have a schedule, we’re just mindful of it – and we both notice it if we’re spending too much time apart.
Straight after work we usualy go for a walk around our village and we’ll discuss the events of the day etc, then we get home and eat together, but we’ll often peel off after that for time apart. We try to make an effort to get to bed around the same time as we’re both bedtime readers so we get time together then too.
As you do I sometimes worry this isn’t how some other couples are, but in truth this seems to be working for us right now, and as time goes on I get more sure that it’s our version of normal.
I guess I’d be concerned if you both had different needs in terms of how much time you spend together – there are a thousand threads of (mostly) women complaining about men spending alone time on computer games when they want couples time – but it sounds like you’re evenly matched.
Post # 5
I think the only time I ever needed some independent time from DH is on very long vacations–like our honeymoon! Or the first long vacation we ever took together when we first started dating.
Post # 6
@juliana192: there’s nothing wrong with wanting time to yourself. It makes the times you spend together even more special. I think it’s unhealthy for couples, especially unmarried ones, to be spending every waking moment together. I feel the same way about couples who need to “check in” with each other on the phone every hour. That’s so 10th grade. I love my husband to bits but wouldn’t be able to stand being his shadow 24/7.
Post # 7
@juliana192: As long as you enjoy spending time together, there’s nothing wrong with enjoying time apart. My FI and I live together, AND work together (same company, different parts of the building – but we meet up for lunch), so our alone time is important.
I had more of an adjustment to make than he did, I think, since I lived alone for over 6 years before we moved in together. He’s a musician, and spends a fair amount of time practicing in his man cave. I use that time for myself. I also encourage him to spend time out with friends without me.
We very much enjoy spending time together. He is my favorite person to be with, but sometimes I don’t want to be with anyone but me. 🙂
Post # 8
@Aquaria: I totally agree.
@juliana192: My FI and I moved in together after 4 months of dating, and we’ve been together for a bit under 1.5 years now (to be married in Oct.) We both need a good amount of alone time- i would say that we spend 2 nights a week hanging out without the other person (alone or with friends) and take vacations without eachother. I don’t get sick of HIM, per say, I just NEED time by myself and so does he. We don’t share EVERY SINGLE INTEREST in common (I have my Tivo’d Dr Phil episodes and he loves Burn Notice, for example…) so there are things we want to do that the other person doesnt, and thats fine. I find it weird when couples are attached at the hip- maybe just because I’ve never been like that, and neither has he. It works for us, so I would say don’t be worried because you don’t want to spend every waking moment with your SO. It doesn’t mean that your relationship is doomed 🙂
Post # 9
We’re pretty much together all the time… I don’t know, we just prefer each other’s company over friends company. We see our families all the time, but as far as time apart, it doesn’t happen much. We’re not “clingy”, we just enjoy being together.
Post # 10
Independent time is healthy.
How boring would life be if you only ever hung out with each other? You need stuff outside of each other to bring to the table, talk about, etc etc.
Post # 11
@runningcali: Do you guys feel the need for alone time? With us, we do enjoy each other’s company more than anyone else, but we both severely need our alone time. It’s not necessarily the need to hang out with others (unless we’ve only seen each other and haven’t seen or talked to our friends in like a week or two), but we both really need that time on our own to recharge I guess.
Maybe we’re just both introverted. He’s super outgoing and loves being with people but he has his moments where he can’t get alone time and it’s really frustrating for him.
Post # 12
I definitely feel the need to have alone time and space. Even just undisturbed time to read Weddingbee (don’t judge) lol. I find that I’m generally ok having alone time with my husband in the family room and me in the bedroom, or vice versa. I generally don’t feel a physical need to be apart from him, just time to be with myself. I’m even ok if we’re in the same room but both doing our own thing. Do you guys spend all the time you spend together doing joint activities, or do you ever just do independent things while being together? If it’s the former (always joint), then maybe try doing independent activities in the same space, or same house but different rooms, and see if that takes away some of your worries.
Post # 13
I think we would probably have more “alone” time if our apartment were bigger. As it is, we’re sharing 800 sf of space. There’s not really anywhere TO have alone time. That said, when I need mine, I typically go take a bath and read a book or something.
I agree with you – sometimes space is just nice.
Post # 14
@juliana192: For me I just don’t realize it when I need my own space. I love being with him but eventually I get cranky and I don’t know why and then I realize I really just need some time to myself.
You are normal! We are all different, and all relationships are different. It would be weird if you hated your SO but you were with him. But no, you’re normal, you need your own time! When you live together you should just make sure you each have times when you go out on your own with friends and the other person stays home. Or live in a big space if you can so you can get away from each other if necessary. Eventually though, you will live together, and there might be times when you get in each other’s hair. And that’s okay too.
Post # 15
I wouldn’t worry about that. I think it’s healthy for couples to have ‘me’ time. My man and I would go a week or so without seeing each other the first year we started dating. We’ll still go for days without seeing each other just to spend some time apart, but we also go for days not leaving each others side.