Indifferent DH … :-(

posted 3 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
502 posts
Busy bee

When he suggested you go to the doctor, you said no and acted like it was no big deal despite previously acting like it was. You then proceeded to go lie down and ignore him for half an hour (from how I read it, he was calling to you and you were not responding).

I get feeling ignored and like he didn’t care…but the passive aggression seems more like a cry for attention, which is more likely to push someone away. You acted like it was a serious enough problem to warrant a lot of concern, but then when he showed concern you brushed it away. Maybe it’d be more constructive if after you tell him what you need from him (which you did) and then he acts on that feedback (which he did) you respond in a positive way (which you didn’t.)

How are you feeling now, OP?

Post # 3
2649 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

ace_craze:  I think you’re being a bit unfair to your husband.  You called in to him that you were feeling unwell.  If you continued to do dishes, he had no reason to think that anything was seriously wrong.  Not feeling well doesn’t indicate an emergency.  I get that you wanted a bit more care and concern, but your husband isn’t a mind reader.  

If you do all the household chores, that’s another matter entirely.  If you both work full time, then the household chores need to be shared.  If you work part time or don’t have a job, then its fair that you shoulder most of the housework.  

Post # 4
1494 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

While i get that he didnt pay enough attention or cared enough, you didnt want to go to the doctor and ignored him for half an hour.

Also, i think you should talk to him and split chores, this is the 21sr century, for christ’s sake, tell him to help you with the house.

Post # 5
12875 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I think both of you are in the wrong here and how much work you do around the house is irrelavant to the indifferent issue.  I’ve had minor communication issues with my husband like this too.  His view was that men (generalization of course) don’t know what to do with “I’m not feeling well”.  If you tell them an issue, they automatically think of how to fix it.  When they can’t fix it, they just don’t know what to do unless you tell them what you need.Like he said, he’s not a doctor, what do you want from him.  If you want him to DO something about it, you need to tell him what you need.  Just telling him don’t feel well, what is he supposed to do?  He has no idea, so ok, you don’t feel well, we should cancel our plans (even though you’re still standing there doing dishes like nothing is wrong!)  It just doesnt make sense to them.  You wanted something from him and expected him to read your mind and give you what you needed.  When he didnt, cause hes NOT a mind reader, you yelled at him!  Of course he would get defensive and get angry about it, he doesnt even know what he’s being yelled at for.  Then you continue to ignore him and get upset when he gets more upset.  What is he supposed to do at that point?  You were upset he didn’t pay attention, and now he’s trying to do what you want and he’s STILL getting punished for it.  I did that A LOT with an EX.  It took me a long time since I’m stubborn as hell, but, eventually I learned that gets you no where.  Getting upset cause he’s not a mind reader, then playing games like ignoring him just gets both of you more upset.  If you need something from him, or he upset you, you need to just TELL HIM and not play these games and expect him to be a mind reader.

  • This reply was modified 2 years, 7 months ago by  pinkshoes.
Post # 7
579 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

ace_craze: I get the impression that this incident isnt the real problem for you. You seem to think he doesnt care. Have you spoken to him calmly about your concerns of him not helping around the house?

 Also in case you were being passive agressive or are tempted to be learn from my mistakes in the first 6 months of our marriage, all it gets you is an angry husband. 


Post # 8
12875 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

ace_craze:  About telling him what I need from him, he is a workoholic and anytime I try to tell him anything about myself, he starts working or saying he needs to rest.

<div style=”overflow: hidden; color: #000000; background-color: #ffffff; text-align: left; text-decoration: none;”>That’s a whole other issue to work on too!  If he is brushing you off when you try to talk to him, that needs to be addressed asap.  Maybe do have a good discussion over a dinner date.  That way he can’t work or go lay down and you two have to talk about it.<br /><br /></div>

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