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I think your feelings are justified, especially if you have to pay every time you go out.
One thing that I know you have probably already thought about, but something you may want to actually discuss with him is that when you guys get married, you will have joint finances, and it currently sounds like you have two completely different ways of handling money. You seem like more of a big purchase saver, building up to things you really want and need. He seems more like, well exactly what you said, an instant gratification impulse buyer. You both need to sit down and find a happy medium. He needs to learn that he can live without his game for a few months or until it goes on sale and you need to be okay with him splurging every once in a while on something that makes him/you happy.
I think the only way that you are going to happy is talking with him. Let him know that it's upsetting for you to pay every time you go out somewhere. Let him know that you don't agree with him spending money on video games when he has a crack in his windsheild that needs fixed. Let him know that you want to be assured that when it comes time to pay for the wedding, it won't be just you paying. Let him know that you want to feel secure with your financial future.
I hope that everything works out!
Well something to step back and think about is this - people are not always like-minded financially. FI and I are not. We still have our "You do not REALLY need that, FI" talks. And I am in control of our monthly bills getting paid on time, etc.
Also, remember what you said yourself. He has a LOT more financial responsibility than you do right now, so it's not going to be as easy for him to contribute to the fun things or save. It's just not. Would you be willing to forego the fun things and stay at home, or would you rather have to shell out your money to go do them? That's where you have to learn what is more important to you. And neither is right or wrong, they just are. You have to be okay with your choices and not get angry at him for it. You do need to have talks and see if he's actually trying to get himself a better job. Could be he's happy where he is and in that case, you've got to have some discussions about future finances and contributions, and let it be known that your financial comfort zone is not the same as his.
For the first several years of our relationship, I was in your position. Now, our positions have changed. He makes more than I do. But I am still in control of our finances because I keep up with the bills. He doesn't enjoy that responsibility - but I do. It's also been a huge discussion - when we have children, is he okay with me staying home? Am I okay with HIM staying home? (We aren't fans of daycare and daycare costs.) They aren't necessarily fun conversations, but they are totally necessary. :)
Unequal finances are manageable. But wildly differing attitudes about finances may not be. If you're carefully saving for long-term goals, and he's buying on impulse, some compromise is going to be necessary.
One idea to consider is agreeing that a percentage of each paycheck will go into joint living expenses/long-term savings, but that each of you will have some money for "luxuries." For example, if you decided that 80% of each paycheck went into the joint categories, each of you would then have 20% of your paycheck to spend as you wanted. (Notice that this means that the person with the larger paycheck would also have a larger amount available for personal spending or saving.) At that point, he could spend his 20% without you questioning it, because living expenses and long-term savings would be taken care of. At the same time, you would be able to buy that second pair of heels if it fit into the 20% without feeling guilty.
But do come up with a plan before the wedding. Money is one of the major factors that can lead to a divorce, so you really need to have a plan before the wedding.
I'm in a similar situation right now. My DH came into our marriage with a lot of debt and is currently unemployed. Meanwhile I have no debt and earn a decent living for us. I think it's very important to find a solution that doesn't leave you resentful of your FH. Set aside an amount of money each month for yourself and allow yourself to spend it however you want whether it's a night out with your FH or new pair of shoes. Also try to come up with more budget date nights with you FH, instead of going out to dinner, maybe you can take turns cooking for each other. So you still get to spend time together, but it costs less.
If you're planning on combining finance when you get married, it's a good idea to sit down with FH and talk realistically about your financial situation and goals. This can also help motivate him to be more careful with his money.
It's hard to change someones persepective of money and spending habits. I'm exactly like you. I save a lot and feel sort of guilty about buying stuff. Luckily for me, my husband is a saver also, and we do also make right around the same amount, so unfortunately I can't relate to your exactly situation. However, I do think that the problem is not that he makes less than you, but how he handles his finances and you're totally justified in your fustration. Naturally it wouldnt be fair to him to say, you make less so you cant buy anything at all, but maybe you two can come to some sort of agreement on mutual savings goal where you both contribe and allowable spending amount. (I know this wouldnt work for me since I still find it hard to spend no matter what, but this would at least limit his splurges). If you have a personal savings goal, I also think you should stop treating the two of you to meals out and use that instead to splurge more on yourself. Do a nice date in... have him cook for you or cook together instead. That way you spend the same amount overall, but you get something for yourself, isntead of feeling like you're spending it on him treating him to meals and then resenting it for him.
in a relationship before my hubby it was very similiar, i was making more, spending more while he didnt even have a job when we met (did get one within weeks of hooking up) and would cry poor, would not try to get a better job but would spend money on little things/himself while ignoring the bigger picture
if you can find a balance to live with this then please try, me personally - i couldnt face the thought that i would have to live like this for the next however many years of my life. dont get me wrong, he was a nice guy but now a few years forward and knowing what i know - there is no way in hell i would be sitting her happy and content if i had his financial burdens and lax attitude strapped around my neck
my suggestion is do not get married until you have had counselling in regards to finances and future expectations and he proves his intent by making changes now by getting a better job/saving etc.
i dont mean to be doom and gloom but finances are such a huge issue/cause of problems in a relationship and they dont get better with time unless you both work at it - goodluck
You are justified in buying what you want with your money. That is not selfish. I wouldn't want to treat my guy to everything and I would not like that at all. I would insist that he treat as often as is reasonable considering his salary compared to yours. What really concerns me is that he is okay with you doing that and I strongly feel that this is a sign of how your (meaning the two of you) finances will be after you're married. If he is willing to let you control the money (his and yours) it seems doable. If he controls the money or continues to control his money, the responsibility of paying bills etc. will likely be on you. The two of you need to come up with a plan and then he needs to show you that he can follow that plan. Him just agreeing to it is not enough. Anybody can say they will do better. Make sure he proves it to you. Good luck!
I think you would benefit from rebudgeting your money. It's not fair that all your pocket money is going towards your outings together... we all deserve to buy things we may need or want once in a while.
Out of your "recreation" money... set aside some for just you for shopping and a separate amount for date night. If you can only afford $20 a week for dates, then either your partner helps contribute, or you can stay in instead of eating out. Don't overextend yourself on outings if you're not really enjoying them. After a $50 meal you really aren't left with much to show for it, except perhaps a few extra calories anyway. ;)
You can't force your fiance to rebudget his finances or find a higher paying job, but you do need to come to an agreement as to what each one should contribute. If he's broke, he probably cannot contribute much to $30 dinners or movie night once a week. I would certainly be concerned that he doesn't have his priorities straight if he'd rather buy video games than fix his car's windshield. A lot of guys like treating their ladies even if they don't have a dime.
I don't think you're being selfish, I just think you perhaps have more concern for money than he does and don't like having to pay for everything that is a benefit for the both of you while he gives himself his little wants. It's understandble.... but once you're married everything is shared, so better to try to get him on good habits now and not spoil him that you're always going to pick up the check.
Oh, and something that works for us is that we ALWAYS split date-night in some way. We alternate who pays, and the other gets the tip. Always. It's become tradition, we don't know any different. Also, whoever's "turn" it is is aware that "Oh, Saturday is date night, I shouldn't spend too much if I want SO to have a nice night out like we had last time."
@callirome: That's it. I pay EVERY time we go out. On your average weekend - I pay for Dinner out, I wind up paying for a breakfast/lunch, then pay for Dinner, then pay sunday for breakfast/lunch.
He keeps no food for "us" on stock at his apartment (despite me even asking if I purchase food items, can we find a place to store it for us to eat) and hence we always eat out. It's horrible on my wallet and efforts to lose weight.
@AmeliaBedelia: I've tried. He basiclly likes to impulse and - well I make money I should get to have fun. You can't die with it. ... I've tried explaining that having a wedding, owning a home, having children (which he wants, badly) doesn't just come free.
Thanks to all those suggesting to contributing to a joint fund - but we live separately, have wildly different financial backgrounds (He lives paycheck to paycheck with a meh credit *not bad, not stellar, probably closer ot average).
I have a decent 401K, a ROTH IRA, a health Savings plus Checking and a great credit score. I am fearful how to keep a good credit score while avoidig his (separate accounts?) once married.
He just doesn't take finances seriously. he's like a teen. His answer is that he doesn't make much, and basiclly his income goes towards covering his immediate bills with a litle extra (a rose for me now and then, a small gift for my birthday, and he keeps a minimum netflick subscription basiclly for both of us Ill admit that)
@dragonlover:He keeps no food for "us" on stock at his apartment (despite me even asking if I purchase food items, can we find a place to store it for us to eat)
Does he not have room or a refridgerator? I dont understand why he would not have a place to store if you just brought over groceries? I think that is rediculous. If he really makes just enough to get buy and have a tiny bit of spending money, then he should at least be helping you to save by having food and not going out if you ask him to. You even OFFER to buy and bring over food and he cant accomodate that? I'm sorry, but something is really wrong with that.
You can keep your accounts seperate after getting married, but if you want to buy a house with him, you will either need to be able to get approval for a mortgage on your income only, or if you need his income for it, his credit score will come into play.
I agree that some spending and enjoying your money is healthy. True, you cant do anything with it if youre dead, but you always want to be able to live without worrying about if something happens! What if he lost his job tomorrow. Does he know what he would do with no savings? What does he plan on doing for retirement? Does he plan on working till the day he dies? Does he just plan on having you worry about it and take care of him? These are some questions he should be able to answer and that you two see eye to eye on.
@dragonlover: It's really not fair for you to be doing that. I really think you guys need to have a serious conversation. Finances are not something that can just be worked out afterward, you know? It's really something you have to be on the same page about, especially if you are planning a wedding.
I'm very sorry you are feeling this way. But I see a lot of me, me, me in your post.
It seems to me that you are putting pressure on yourself on this whole money situation. It seems to me at least that you're not being fair. You make 30K more a year than him. Yet you live at home so you have none of the bills he does from having his own place. You can afford to live outside or with him but you choose not to so that you can save your money. So imo it's not really fair to get pissed off at him that he can not afford to treat you to the things you want. Yes, he should probably have better money management. So that he can at least afford to treat you to dinner once a week.
From what you have posted it sounds like he is contributing 50% to the wedding? That 50% he is contributing is taking a MUCH bigger toll on him than he is on you.
I'm sorry but imo if you want a nice weekend in NYC for the two of you but you can't stomach paying for him as well, then yes, you are being selfish. Because you would rather spend it on a new pair of pants and shoes for yourself than for something the two of you can enjoy together.
When my husband and I first started dating he had a full time job and I only had a work study. We moved out together junior year and I was able to split rent with him and for the most part utilities. But he never said a word about having to pay for most of the grocery bills or every time we went out to eat, which was not often. Because we were a unit and he'd rather I concentrate on my studies than get a full time job and have my studies suffer. Imo a unit makes sacrifices for each other.
Frankly if it were me and i was making 30K more than him a year I would have no qualms about paying for dinners out when I lived at home and had none of the bills he does. But if you do , then by all means have a conversation with him. Otherwise I feel like this resentment will keep building up in you and will ultimately harm the relationship.
Money is not everything but for many relationships it's a big thing.
@pinkshoes: He's got a fridge with basicly one shelf that's split with a roommate. He's never had to need his own fridge before, and landlord wouldn't allow one in his room without an extra fee.
I don't see why that limited dry goods (pancake mix!) that we could have for breakfast. I swear he just makes excuses.
**He has no plans for if he lost his job tomorrow ( "I'll survive somehow" ) and retirement isn't in his vocab.
@callirome: I know. He got a bonus last minute, and admittedly was nice enough to cover a $5 cover charge for us to go out to a club. I was partially shocked and it felt really nice for once. It didn't matter it was $5 or $25 - just that he offered to pitch in for once.
I start to hear him suggesting going out or grabbing food and cringe. Because I feel his suggestion of "Let's go to dinner and movie" means.. " So you're treating?" It's really bad. I know he doesn't mean it that way, but its exactly what its become.
I was / am in a similar situation. My husband makes literally 1/5th what I do. I think a HUGE thing that helped me get over it was the things I was paying for were things **I** wanted to do. He would not have been going to over-priced dinners and taking cabs all over the place if I didn't exist. He still paid for some things, but I knew when I initiated a more expensive excursion that it was on me. Ultimately it was worth it to me, since I wanted to enjoy that activity with my SO.
It sounds like he is living within his means... and yes spending $40 on a video game seems foolish when you have a repair to do, but I think everyone can understand (to an extent) wanting to spend something on yourself vs. the mountains of bills that are piling up every month.
Hopefully your situation is temporary and he'll get a higher paying job soon.... my husband finally graduates this spring so I'm definitely crossing my fingers!
@dragonlover: ooh just read he initiates some of "your treats" that is a bit different.
You need to start saying no! Insist on making the pancakes or if you go out- he can pay. I've been in this situation before with my SO and I wouldn't have minded if it was simply me paying a bit more coz I earn more but it's when the other is ungrateful that it's a problem. I always tried to work on %- because then it's more fair. Since we met he's changed his ways because I put my foot down and he's since realised that it's for both our best interests- not me being selfish! You def need to be on the same page, or at least respect each other finacially to work together or something will have to give- don't let it be you!!
Based on your updates, I think it's essential that the two of you talk numbers. Talk about both of your incomes and bills. Then decide how much needs to be contributed to joint goals. Then set aside a fixed amount or percentage for each of you to spend on yourselves and an amount for things you do together. He may not realize that you feel this way or the amount of money being spent on your nights out. Setting a budget together (even without joining finances) will help you come to a solution that makes both of you happy.
This worked really well with my DH. When I told him that we can't afford to go out etc it would often lead to arguments. But after we sat down together and looked at our income and bills, he got a much better understanding of what we can and can't afford.
@dragonlover:I don't see why that limited dry goods (pancake mix!) that we could have for breakfast. I swear he just makes excuses.
It shouldnt. what would happen if you just bought it and brought it over and suggest making pancakes for breakfast instead of going out? Would he object? What if you said you have come up wiht a savings goal for the wedding and future house, and dining out so much wasnt in the budget anymore.
I start to hear him suggesting going out or grabbing food and cringe. Because I feel his suggestion of "Let's go to dinner and movie" means.. " So you're treating?" It's really bad. I know he doesn't mean it that way, but its exactly what its become.
I normally dont say this, because I dont differentiate money in my relationship, but in this case I have to see it as your money. Put your foot down if you dont want to spend it dining out. If he is careless with what he makes and cannot save, dont let him do that with money you are trying to save also. This is all coming way too easy for him. He has no money to spend on dining out? You'll treat. Meanwhile, he can spend whatever he wants on HIS games and not have to learn how to budget.
**He has no plans for if he lost his job tomorrow ( "I'll survive somehow" ) and retirement isn't in his vocab.
Please talk to him about this whole issue you have here. You dont need to make the same amount for things to be "fair", but I truely believe you need to at least be on the same page in your finance goals, its not going to take care of itself. And if he doesnt want to address how to save and prep for a future, are you willing to carry the burden the whole way and worry about taking care of everything for the both of you while he just dilly dallys?
Is maybe some of the resentment coming from that you're not feeling it's appreciated when you spend money on him?
Right now my FI makes significantly more than me. I make about a third of his income, maybe less. I pay my bills each month, but I don't have a lot of discretionary income, Since we live long distance he ends up paying for the majority of my plane tickets to see him, dinners out when I'm there, etc. But I let him know each and every time he pays for something how appreciative I am. Because he knows I don't feel entitled to his money he is okay with spending some on me.
I hope a discussion with him about finances clears some of this up, including the concerns you have in your more recent posts.
Also, I do my best to contribute. I try to treat him once in a while to dinner on me, when I can afford it or I cook for him which is so much cheaper. I make an effort to meet him half way, and maybe you're not getting the sense that your FI is doing the same thing.
After reading this post, all I can think is that you need to talk to him about this! Finances are like the #1 reason why people get divorced. You need to talk about this and come to some agreement BEFORE you get married!
My fiancé officially combined finances about a month ago and I love it. However, we always considered our individual money each other's money anyhow. When I was a student and he was working full time, he paid for us going out. Then, when he was in med school and 100% on loans and I was working full time, I paid for us going out. EVERY time or two years. And not once was I resentful. However, that's because of two things: I got to decide if something wasn't affordable for me and if it wasn't affordable, we didn't do it and there was no resentment. Two: I knew that he would do the same for me if he was working full time. We have very similar ideas for what we do with money, with me being slightly more impulsive with money. We talk A LOT about finances to make sure we're on the same page with every financial decision we make. We are planning on starting to save for retirement once we're both out of school (we're now both in graduate school). The KEY in our relationship is COMMUNICATION and RESPECT. These are key. I think you need to have a conversation with your guy to make sure he is respecting you and your money. Also, you guys need to deal with this before you get married! For your relationship's health!
This isn't a partnership, it's you being his mother. I'm not sure how to motivate his ass but essentially that's what you're going to have to do.
Although since you've already mentioned this to him I'm thinking he isn't going to make the effort since he seems to think the situation is fine by you.
I really think you need to have an open talk with your FH, as in concrete numbers and everything. Set out the goals you have, how much you save for it, and see how much he has left over when all the bills are paid.
I'm the one in the relationship who is terrible with finances, and although my FH is completely supportive and always says his money is my money, etc., I don't think it's fair when one person has to pay every time.
Especially when he suggests you guys go out and makes excuses so you can't cook. It kind of seems like he's way to comfortable in that position? I wouldn't dream of suggesting dinner/movies if I didn't have the money to cover what I wanted to do.
I think you need to really talk about this. Unless something drastic happens, you might always be making quite a bit more than him. You need to know when you have combined finances that you are both on the same page.
I make more money in school from interest and freelancing and such than my FI makes working full time and going to school. I pay for a lot of things, but a lot of it are things I would pay for anyway (the nice cable package, maitanence fee on the co-op, electricity) and we try to do 75/25 on food spending. Part of making this all work was joining our accounts so I can monitor both of our spending. I don't bergudge him spending money on things he wants. He works just as hard as I do and deserves to have toys when he wants them.
The real issue in your case seems to be that you feel that you are working hard for your money and yet are not treating yourself because you are trying to make up for what you percieve to be a lack of financial awareness on your FI's part.
I say, buy the jeans you want and tell your FI you are renting a movie and making dinner in. You don't need to go out to dinner and a movie to spend time together. Now, re: the NYC trip, if you don't want to pay for him, go by yourself, but I think it is wrong to get upset that HE can't afford to go when he isn't initiating the high end trip.
I make 1/8 of the amount of my fiance. We live together, but I still feel guilty that I never have any money to for a night out. I pay for groceries most of the time (thank god for coupons and sales!) and he pays for the mortage, 2 cars, insurance, and everytime we go out. To top it off, he paid for every gift that we are giving both of our families this year. And he's working overtime like crazy so he can throw in $$$ for the wedding.
I do my best to take care of him. I can't do anything more financially (work at a non-profit, but currently on disability). So I let him know I appreciate him and everything he does.
I think your fiance is doing the best he can on his own. My fiance and I talk about finances all the time. Whatever we do individually affects the other person, because our finances are linked together because we're getting married. I recommend having this conversation. Maybe you can come up with a budget with both of your incomes.
Also, FI and I do tons of free date nights/days. ie going to the beach or hikes. Lots of bonding with little to no money involved.
@regberadaisy: I think you've read my post wrong. I (me, solo) am paying about 40-30 percent of the wedding. He's not contributing a dime. I don't expect him to.
I can't stomach paying for a weekend out in NYC because he'll suggest it. I can't afford it (not comfortably at least) and yet I feel guilty saying no. Because, I have to admit - I really want to.
He spends more on himself (by far) than I do.
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MY FH and I don't have equal salaries, nor do we have equal bills/debts. I suspect very few partners finances are perfectly balanced.
Yet, more and more as time goes on I'm finding myself feeling jealous that I'm shouldering everything. I feel like the world is on my shoulders and it's my responsibility - not ours.
I also wondering, does this mean I'm selfish?
FH makes about $30,000 a year less than I do. Money isn't everything but it's a lot.
He currently lives paycheck to paycheck with very little savings. He lives in his own apartment and making ends meet - rent check, car payments, car insurance, gas, groceries, student loan payments, can be tight. If he misses a few days of work because of sick leave or vacation, he often winds up in the difficult spot of falling behind.
He's got a crack in his car windshield and can't afford to fix it. Yet - he'll go spend $30 to $40 bucks on this video game he wants, etc.
Yes - he's an impulse shopper. I know that's part of his money problem.
On the other hand, I've been living at home (yes, it's embarrassing but I didn't move out once we got engaged to save money). I have little to no expenses (car insurance, gas, cell phone, student loans) and I save what I can.
I've been stashing aside money for an apartment/townhouse/condo of my own, our wedding, and a new car when necessary.
I very rarely purchase something for myself. I tend to treat FH and I out to dinner 1x a week, ranging from Applebees to a nicer restaurant ($30 a head) for a nice date.
As I'm hit by the cost of partially paying for our own wedding, lookign for a townhouse/condo/apartment to live in the future, and my own needs.. I feel the weight is on my shoulders.
and.... I can't enjoy myself.
I feel guilty about going out and getting myself a second pair of hees for work other than black pumps. I feel guilty wanting to go pick up one or two makeup items from Sephora or Ulta that are specialty skincare (no breakouts!) then wanting to pick up a new winter shirt or two. Or the need to replace a pair of jeans.
Plus It's Christmas near NYC. I want to take the train into the city to see the museum and Rockefeller. But it's SOOOOOOOOOO expensive.
I can afford for me to go - but paying for FH's way everywhere we go (movies, restaurants, breakfast, bagels, lunch etc) means ultimately... I can either choose to do somethign with him. Or buy the jeans and heels I want to feel like I look decent.
I work 60-70 hours a week in a stressful enbironment. I FEEL like i should have the right to buy a second pair of shoes so I don't constantly pound my heels... and a pair of jeans that are nice, dark wash that look professional.
I feel like I shoould get to enjoy some small portion of my money. But then I feel guilty that I could be doing something for us? Saving for us or goign out.
I'm feeling jealous that he -never- contributes.
Am I wrong?
Every time i mention he needs a job that actually pays him worthwhile, he promises he's looking - but .. He won't let me help, and I can't actually figure out when/where he's looking. I get the sense he's not.:(
What to do? Am I wrong?