(Closed) UPDATE:Infidelity/Aftermath: Personal Stories Only Please…I need perspective

posted 5 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
442 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I’ve never been cheated on in a serious relationship but I just want to say that if I was cheated on…I’d have a hard time leaving. You can’t just fall out of love with the flip of a switch so I really feel for you! I hope you two can find the healthiest option for you both! Good luck!

Post # 4
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I cheated on my ex and we broke up for a week. That same weekend he begged for me back and it was never the same. He always distrusted me, and I got sick of it since I put in alot of work to gain his trust back. But of course, it was never enough and he became emotionally abusive. For five months or so, we went back and forth through a cycle of breakups and making up until finally he ended it. I lost it, went into a deep depression and then finally recovered a few months later. He never forgave me for what I did, even after we had been broken up for over a year. He said I was the “one” to him and ruined every potential relationship he could’ve had afterward because no girl ever measured up to me. And he wanted me but couldn’t find it in himself to take me back and make himself out to be a fool again.

 

I would never take someone back after infildelity again with that experience. I hope it works out for you, but it will be a long and hard road to get back to “normal”.

Post # 5
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Like I have said in other posts… I have been cheated on a few times due to my….um, low standards in the past. I jumped from relationship to relationship as I was young and dumb. The first couple times it happened, I was gone in a flash with not so much a tear. Then I started dating this one guy….. and I think this time it stung the worst because I ruined my credit (again, I was an idiot) to help him when he lost his job and was losing his place. I knew something wasn’t right about that relationship, yet I tried to make it work.

He wouldn’t put that he was taken on his relationship status, he would delete my pictures off his profile, he wouldn’t take me out to meet his friends and he would be out until the early morning hours. Yet… I still tried to make it work. I let him make me feel horrible and take advantage of me. He would tell me his exs were all crazy and were trying to get back with him (not true) and just make up these ridiculous stories. He told me he needed more space, which I gave him but only to find out that while he was supposed to be having “time to think”, he was out with some other girl. I finally got fed up with everything, realized what he was and left.  

So, whenever I read these posts, I can feel myself totally relating to the OP. It seems these guys all tend to have the same MO which makes them easy to spot. Yet sometimes, we do not want to believe how horrible that person is. Those other men were not worth my time or the drama, I was too good for them and now I know what a healthy relationship is.

It was all for the best, I figure if I had not gone through any of that, I would have never met my husband who treats me wonderfully and is completely faithful to me. Even after all that, I do not have trust issues when it comes to our relationship. He has never given me any doubts.

Post # 8
Member
1430 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

@oldrockingchair:  I think that’s the hardest part you’re gonna face. I mean had my ex and I survived that period together, which we probably would’ve had life’s circumstances not made having a relationship near impossible at that time, let alone with the added drama of my infidelity.  I think we would’ve been very happy in the long run, but then again I wouldn’t have met my awesome boyfriend who I have no bad history with and have an easy relationship with. And people can change, you just have to be able to see if you can gauge if this person actually can change. If he’s making steps to win back your trust, being completely open and honest, and only cheated ONCE, then he might turn around. It may be a one time slip up that happened, but only you can determine that.

Post # 9
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

I cheated on my ex with my FI.

My ex was extremely abusive mentally, emotionally, and sexually. He had managed to cut me off from all of my friends and family before my now FI entered the picture and began to show me how bad things really were. I tried to break up with my ex three times before I kissed my FI one night. Each time I tried to break up with him he threatened to kill himself, so I stayed with him thinking it would be my fault if he put his family and friends through that kind of pain. I know that is not rational, but that was my thinking. The guilt ate away at me and I told my ex the next day. It ended very badly and his abuse escalated.

I’m glad that I got out of that relationship, but to this day I regret the cheating.

Post # 10
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@oldrockingchair:  That all depends….. do you think you can fully trust that person again and is that person making an effort to show you that they are fully invested in your relationship? Meaning…. that they understand you will now have a lack of trust and will have to completely overhaul their behaivors to slowly gain that trust back. To make something like that work, the one that cheated has to be willing to work on this for awhile, because gaining back that trust will not happen overnight. In my case…. those men were not really all that serious about being loyal and the last one I believe to be a sociopath….I have actually gotten a few emails from another ex of his that proves the man was a serial cheater and his lies were always the same, so the prospect of change was just not there. Has he or these other men changed over all those years? I have no idea, I can honestly say all contactwith them was severed as I moved on with my life.

 

Post # 12
Member
2695 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

@oldrockingchair:  Of course. Honestly, even taking the abuse out of the picture, I don’t think that that relationship could have lasted after the cheating. I felt way too guilty.

Post # 14
Member
276 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@oldrockingchair:  The first 5 – 6 months are gonna be awful.  Stay if you think you can trust him again, that you’ll forgive him.  It is super hard and you’ll get super angry for some stuff that you might otherwise have been unimportant.  He will have to hold on and accept that you will be mean, unpolite, vulnerable and volatile.  If you decide to stay, you both need to be strong.  Very, very strong.  Talk about it as much as you need, but after a while, if you still think that you need to tell him “this is all because you cheated”, then just leave.  But it IS possible to have a healthy, strong relationship afterwards.   

Post # 15
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

@oldrockingchair: That is something you really should think about, but you make your stubborness sound as if it is a bad thing.  It is not and it is completely normal. It is easy to forgive when it was a one time thing and he is really sorry and wants to work on it. When the action was repeated and ended up severly hurting you, it is not easy to get over. This is why most people in your situation do end the relationship, because everything that made them happy about that relationship was just shattered. That trust was completely gone (what happens the next time you hit a rough patch, can I go out for the night without wondering what he will be up to….etc) That stain will not only last throughout your relationship, it will stick with you even if you do leave him. You will become very weary of love and it will only get worst the more times you get hurt.

Your last sentence makes me wonder…. are you more afraid of being alone then anything else? Being alone is an understandable fear, but it is not reason why you must stay in a relationship that is hurting you severly. In that situation…it is much better to be alone.

Post # 16
Member
4275 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: April 2012

Anyway I am off for the night. PM me if you have more questions or just want to vent. Just understand that I do not excuse that guy’s behavior at all (again, its that stain that has probably made me very angry towards this type of thing). I have seen my parents go through a hell of a marriage after my dad had multiple affairs, it went on for years until they finally divorced. My mother is now a very bitter, very pessimistic person.

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