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Something to consider when discussing finances is to look at the net cost of your staying home. Take your salary, minus the childcare costs, and that is the amount less that your household income will be. Will your child/children take more or less after school lessons? Will those be expensive lessons? Will you be able to spend your extra time at home bargain hunting and spending less money on items, or will you shop more because you have more time? Will you go absolutely insane with no other grown ups to talk to, or are you going to make a point of joining a play group?
The reason that I made up my mind early on to be a SAHM was because I do not want someone else raising my kids. My kids are not going into daycare. I dont want to miss all those special moments with my kids. On top of that, daycares are awful places, they should be called baby jail. No one is going to care about your kids like you do unless you have a family member to watch them during the day while you are at work, like grandma.
This is a conversation I had with my now husband before our first date and he agreed with me!
The main part of your decision is probably going to be based on your finances. If you can afford to only live on one salary then that is great.
I honestly don't agree with the PP that daycare is "baby jail". Your kids will become socialized and be able to adapt to different situations. I never went to daycare, was the youngest or only child in my family and was extremely shy as a child. I would get very anxious in new situations and I feel that if I had gone to daycare or at least been around other children I would have been able to adapt better. And grandparents aren't always better. Depending on their age it might not even be feasible. Taking care of an infant is hard work. If you decide to go with daycare make sure to visit when children are there to see how they handle them. See how many children per adult there are, especially with infants.
I agree that daycare is not "baby jail". I think by the time a child reaches 2-3 years old, they need to start socialization. Things like learning how to share, sit in group exercises etc, are all valuable lessons they learn in day care. Also, by age 4 it is really valuable to have them learn these things because it helps prepare them for kindergarten at age 5.
Yes finances are a really big part of this decision but I don't think it is the most important. Personally I think you look at the other factors first and if you decide that its important to you then you figure out a way to make it work financially. Here are some of the issues that I would look at:
1. What are your daycare options? Do you have access/ can you afford a school that actually provides pre-school education and not just basic care? Do you have family that could care for them? Would you be working just to pay for daycare?
2. How would you feel about not working? Do you have access to things that will allow you to get out of the house and see other adults (hopefully without spending a lot since you only have one income)? Are you okay with putting your career on hold for a while?
3. What kinds of things could you do to get your child socialization time with other kids? Mommy day outs are expensive from what I've seen but libraries and churches often have things to consider.
I am lucky enough to have been home with my son for his first 3 months and I originally planned to stay home the first 6 months but our financial situation changed and I will be returning to work soon. I am sooo glad that I have had this time with him but it was much harder than I thought it would be. Since we are on one income we made cut backs on our gym memberships and I try not to go out to lunch or things like that, as a result I find myself staying home a lot! I start to go a little stir crazy after a few days and I'm kind of looking forward to going back to work so that I can be around other people. Granted I would normally have gone out to parks or something with him but we have had a record hot summer and that wasn't an option. Also my son has an illness so we keep him out of public daycares. Luckily my MIL will take up his care when I return to work but I don't know what we would have done if that wasn't an option.
There are just so many factors to think about! I think you really have to go with what your gut tells you is right for your famiy.
I hope this helps a little.
Thanks for the responses! I think financially it is definitely option, although we haven't sat down to crunch the numbers and it would take some adjustments. I think it sounds like a mix of being wonderful and a mix of driving myself stir crazy from being home with a baby all the time. I think that the right daycare can be great for socialization, but it should be at the right age. I also think there's a lot of truth to weighing the amount I would earn against the amount we would pay out for daycare. Is what's left over really worth it?
As the pp said, just so many things to think about. I appreciate any other advice!
Wow. Daycares are "awful places" and "baby jail"??? That's an extremely judgemental thing to say. My mom has put her heart and soul into running a wonderful daycare for over 40 years. Some of her original children are now parents themselves who have enrolled their own children. They treat her like family and invite her to all their kid's events (recitals, plays, etc.).
Daycare providers can be a wonderful extension of a child's natural family. You just have to find the right place.
On my maternity leave it became perfectly clear to me that I could never be a full time SAHM. I was stir crazy. I had myself scheduled for events throughout each day because both of us were bored at home!
I didn't do any physical research on this topic, lol, it was more a personal decision based on our lifestyle. My own mother was a stay-at-home mom, so maybe I'm just more comfortable with this choice. There are definitely times where I crave some stimulating adult interaction, but for me my place is at home instead of at a professional job. It's a struggle financially, but we happily make it work. Good luck in your decision!
Everyone has made great points already...
Another question I would want to consider is if you want a career? And if so, would you be comfortable giving it up or putting it on the back burner for a few years?
Here is a true income calculator for the financial aspect
http://www.mymommybiz.com/adviceandresources/momsincome.html
Baby jail? That's so lame. Some women have to go back to work. You've also insulted a lot of people who are child care providers.
Re: "baby jails:"
That is a really ignorant thing to say. I don't know what your knowledge or experiences with day care are, but it's like anything else - there are some terrible ones, some AMAZINGLY good ones, and a lot in between. Parents need to do a lot of research to decide what's best for them and their families, but to make this kind of generalization shows a real ignorance about the range of day care out there.
I am a researcher specializing in the social science of maternal employment (including day care, obv) and I can tell you that the research suggests that neither maternal employment nor day care per se tend to be significant variables in determining children's intellectual, physical, or emotional health. What matters more is that the care they're getting is consistent, warm, stimulating, and safe, and that their parents feel good about the situation, whatever it is. Whether it's having mom or dad stay home to be full-time caretakers, having one or both parents have part-time jobs, or working full time with kids in good care, all of these are good options for some families and terrible options for others.
It also cheeses me off when people refer to day care as "someone else raising your kid." Children know who's raising them, and it's not their day care provider.
Another thing to consider beyond the salary/daycare cost tradeoff now is how your salary could be affected for the rest of your life if you leave the workforce now.
@july09bridetobe: I do not have children I which could change a lot. but the number one rule I have always lived by is support yourself. If I divorced, or he died I would want to be able to support myself and by children.
Therefore, no matter what I decide I will be sure I can do those things. My mom married a i potential man who became an alcoholic. She raised and paid for us. Be prepared for the worst. It is not fun, but its realistic.
If staying at home would hurt those goals, I would not do it. (for too long)
h
Wow this thread got snarky..
When it comes to being at SAHM vs a working mom Hubs and I made our decision solely on finances and schedules. We've actually both decided to work but have flexible enough schedules to not need childcare except for occassional circumstances. In regards to daycare being a baby jail I must say I disagree. I've been a preschool (/daycare) teacher on and off for almost 10 years now. I currently have the infant class and the 4 children in my class are just like my own. I have relationships with their families in and out of school and would not do anything different with them than I would my own child. Just like all things it depends on the center/teacher you choose so definitely do your research. If you do decide to go that route and have any questions let me know.
@gulbraa44: I have to disagree with you - "all" daycares are not "baby jail". My niece goes to a daycare that is fabulous and run in a home. She is learning two different languages, has a ton of spce to play, and is supervised by two of the nicest people i've ever met (we pick her up once a week). I think that daycare can be a very rewarding socializing experience if you have the right resources. I would not want my kids in daycare all day every day, but my niece is lucky in that her mom is a therapist with her own practice and can work half time, creating a balance.
In regards to the original post, I think your best bet is to leave your options open. I thought I would never want to be a stay at home mom, but as soon as my daughter was born, my whole world changed. I loved being at home with my baby during maternity leave, and I really wish I was there now instead of at work. So now, my husband and I are working toward me staying at home full-time, hopefully by the end of next summer. If I had left that option open to begin with, I probably could have quit earlier.
On the other hand, there are some women who think they will love being a stay at home mom and then end up hating it. I think it's hard to know for sure how you'll feel until after your baby is born; so felxibility is really key, in my opinion.
When looking at your finances, make sure you factor in all the yearly "costs" associated with working. So what you're giving up to be a SAHM is really:
Your salary, minus:
- Taxes on your salary
- Child care costs
- Commuting costs
- Work wardrobe costs
- Dry cleaning costs
- Lunches/coffee that you buy because you're working
- Dinners you end up eating out or doing take out because you don't have time to cook
- Other household costs (such as a housecleaner?) that you outsource because you don't have time to do them during the work week.
The point is, sometime people only look at their salary, and think "I'm giving up so much money to stay home!" But after you realize that working is causing you to pay taxes, pay for child care, pay for work clothes, pay for dry cleaning, pay for meals, pay for other household costs, AND it makes your life more hectic, you may not feel that staying home is as big of a financial sacrifice.
Just some food for thought.
Well I was raised by a SAHM who hated every minute of it. It wasn't a pretty upbringing and like a PP I was way too shy when finally introduced to school since I had never been around other kids. My Mom hated being a SAHM and took it out on me all the time. It was awful. To make matters worse, she never went back to work at any point adn didn't have any activities or hobbies other than housework, you can imagine how stir crazy and unappreciative that might make someone. So my point is, better that your kid is in a baby jail than insane asylum.
Whatever decision you make, it has to make sense. If you hate your job and would be losing $ at the end of the day with daycare costs, then maybe you should try it, at least at first. But I think it's harder than most people realize and you definitely aren't a 'failure' if it doesn't work out.
*My Mom and I have a great relationship now thankfully, but it's obvious to everyone in my family she never should have stayed at home to raise us. No one is perfect and my parents made what they thought was the best decision at the time.
@gulbraa44: That is just beyond rude. I went to daycare growing up and loved it. My mother was a single mother- exactly, what other choice did she have, anyway?? Oh man...just rude, rude, rude.
Daycares are like anything. Some are good, some are bad. You have to do your research.
My husband and I decided to combine the best of both worlds when we have a baby. I will work part-time and he and I will take turns working from home (both of our companies will allow this) so we don't have to pay child care costs. I think it will work beautifully. I know, I couldn't be a full-time SAHM because I'd go stir crazy and nuts without having adult interaction and life away from the baby, yet, I don't want to be away from my "future" baby full-time either.
We're trying to decide this now too. I'm not one to get bored even if I'm home everyday. But at the same time I'd like to use my degree, so right now we're both trying to figure out ways to be at home more. For me, I'm applying to jobs that have a bit more flexible work time and can allow some work from home since I don't completely want to be a SAHM. Just because although we have a lot saved we probably would have to dip into it a bit more than I'd be happy with for a couple years and also because I'm good at what I do career-wise so if I can find a flexible job I think it might lead to the happiest me to be able to do both.
A lot of people have brought up some really good points! My DH and I were discussing this topic last night. We are actually considering having him be a stay at home dad for the first year. My salary is higher than his right now and has the potential to increase dramatically in the next year. When we finally do get pregnant I know we will sit down and really hash out the numbers.
@moderndaisy: I adore my mom so much, but I grew up in a similar situation and it was so depressing to see my mom have so little life outside of shuttling her children around. I feel like she had a lot of trouble interacting with adults and the only friends she kept in touch with were at least as much my father's friends as hers. Fortunately, now that we're adults, she's gotten really involved in the community and come out of the shell that she was in for awhile.
After being raised in that situation, I'm pretty sure I will never have children of my own. While I appreciate having had someone home with me and the work she did (though while my mom is a great caring and supportive mom, she is not great at housework, or getting places on time), it really, really turned me off to motherhood in general.
Another thing to consider is what doingathing brought up regarding lost wages in the future. Once you stay home for a significant amount of time, it often will cause a large dent in your future earnings power in the event that you do need to go back to work. So while working with a child is very expensive (day care, work clothes, lunches, commutting, babysitters, etc), there's also a hidden cost to not going back to work.
Obviously I am kind of biased, but there are definitely costs and benefits to either. Some people love being a stay at home mom - it's definitely a lot of work and the type of work that shouldn't be devalued so easily. I think it's important to consider the mental/emotional costs of either option as well as both the obvious and hidden financial costs of either.
When I decided to become a SAHM I knew I wanted to do it so I could bond with my baby. Now that he is 2 1/2 years old I REALLLLY miss working! Don't get me wrong theres benifits about staying at home but theres also so many benifits about working too. I remember in the first few months of my sons life I worked during the day and could not wait to get home to him. I felt so guilty at first. My husband was laid off so I had to work. Our baby would cling to him and never want me. That broke my heart. Once he was employed again I stayed home. I've been doing for so long now that I don't feel like a productive member of society. You have many ups and downs with both.
I do plan on going back to work at some point. Unlike @gulbraa44: I don't considar daycares "baby jail" or "someone else raising your kids. WOW how JUDGEMENTAL!!!! Some mothers HAVE to work and don't have a choice. I would rather put my child through daycare and have enough money to put food on the table and in their bellies then to be a SAHM and stuggle to to feed them because I'm not sending them to "baby jail". The guts of some woman amaze me! Don't EVER feel guilty if you want to work!
One thing that hit us big when I became a SAHM was our electric bill of all things! Once there is someone here 24/7 the electric bill shot through the roof! So did the grocery bill! Now instead of eating just mainy breakfast and dinner, we eat here all day long. Those were both two things that shocked me the most.
I wish you the best of luck! With whatever you choose, theres many ups and downs. Just do what makes you happiest!!! =)
Other people have hinted at this, but I'm going to come right out and ask: have you considered the financial impact of staying home if you and your husband were to divorce?
My mother stayed home to raise me and my brother. When I was 22, they formally separated. They're still friendly, and my father took a very equitable view of their significant mutual assets - but it's sheer luck that it worked out that way.
My husband's parents are currently divorcing. It is, to put it mildly, acrimonious. They married at 19 and she stayed home to raise five children while he built up a successful law practice. The fact that she still has to rely on him for money means that, even though he's out of the house, she's still subject to his rages and tantrums. But her minimal skills, lack of a real work history and scheduling needs make her an unlikely hire, and right now she can barely keep up.
Of these two scenarios, the latter is far more common than the former.
Hmm I went to day care for 5 years & I don't think I turned out half that bad....
Wow, I take offense to PP that said daycare is like baby jail... You have completely looked at the wrong daycares if you think it's like jail. I'm a nanny/babysitter and while I may not love the children AS MUCH as their own parents (I'm not a parent so I don't know what true maternal love feels like yet), but I do know that I love them very, very much and that I always put their needs first. When they hurt, I hurt. When they're happy, I'm happy. I feel very protective of them and I'm so very proud of them all of the time. I try to make it to their school performances, dance recitals, birthday parties, etc. They've cried on me, threw up on me, leaned on me, peed on me, you name it. When the baby thew up on me, I didn't freak out or say ewww or drop him to the floor. I held him so close and felt so bad for him and just tried to comfort him even if I was drenched in stinky vomit (this wasn't baby spit up, this was vomit). My heart absolutely swells when I'm leaving and they run and give me a kiss good bye and say "I love you" or when they light up and run over to me to give me a big hug when I walk in or when I witness their first steps or they can finally count to 10 without mistakes. Maybe that's not as much love as a parent gives, but I really love those kids and I'll be damned if someone tries to tell me that I don't love/care about them enough.
LOL - Another person irked at the "baby jail" comment. My sister and I went to daycare until school started, and we had a blast! We had so many friends there, different lunches every day, etc. We had fun. Maybe we got lucky and had a really good daycare, but to lump all of them together is a little sad...
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Does anyone have information on being a stay at home mom? How did you decide that was the way to go or what information helped sway your decision one way or the other? We're just starting to discuss it and I'm not sure where to start.