Weddingbee boards

I think the lucky 20% of women would still get proposed to within 1-2 years (their guys are the ones who GET IT), and the rest of us would be twiddling our thumbs for 6-7-8 years until some other external factor (pregnancy, family pressure, social pressure) got our guys to get the ball rolling.

Probably nothing for me; my guy is just a teeny tiny bit insecure so he probably wouldn't propose or talk about it if there was a slight chance he'd be rejected.  I think the majority of men prefer the woman to bring it up so that they know they won't be rejected.  Man, that rejection is such a huge motivator for men!

I actually think that my SO brought up marriage with us specifically first, but it was just relaying a conversation he and his dad had after we were dating for a year maybe and it was clear he was uncomfortable discussing it any further.  Other times it's been brought up for us specifically... well it's been allllll me, baby.

As far as being a planner and him not, I think of relationships in roles.  If there were 2 planners in the relationship absolutely nothing would get done and y'all would be fighting all. the. damn. time.  If there were 2 "just go with the flow"-ers then you would be wandering around listlessly like a boat on the ocean that's lost all it's sails and engines.  But with one planner and one "go with the flow"-er, your relationship can be smoothly guided with a couple "corrections" from the "go with the flow"-er whenever they suddenly get a minuscule urge to plan (i.e. the proposal).

@sarasouth: Totally agree that a lot of guys keep quiet out of fear of rejection. Which is understandable - it's scary!

While I know for some relationships this may be true, I don't see this as being the case so much anymore - epsecially if the girl HAS brought it up.  We're not in the Victorian era or even the 1950s anymore when the guy isn't 90% sure she's going to say yes should he propose, and he has to do a big song and dance about formally asking for her hand from the paernts (some guys do this, still, but it's a fading tradition), proving his ability to provide (this is important in a guy's mind, but again, he's not asking her father to approve based soley on his financial abilties) and he really doesn't have to have anyone's approval except hers.  Family and friend support is great, but people don't hinge their lives on it like they used to when your potential inheritnce was a major factor in how well you cold support yourself. 

These days, if you've been together longer than a year, and espcially if you've made it past two years, odds are the lady has made up her mind he's a keeper, he's husband-worthy, and she is waiting, patiently or no, for him to propose.  By the time years 3-6 roll around, she's getting a bit frazzled, wondering WHY he ahsn't done it - they seem so happy together, doens't he want her, why is HE rejecting HER?  

Our society has done a complete 180 as to who is choosing whom for a spouse first, who needs to mention it, and who is feeling rejected if it doesn't happen. Also, I hate to admit it, but many people used to get married quickly simply because it wasn't accetable to have sex openly unless you were - so that was a great motivator in moving guys down the aisle. Also, this added to the couple's nerves, because many people got engaged and married after courting for a span of months, meaning you were now tied to raise a family with essentailly a stranger.  Of course, this worked well enough we still ahve mamrraige as a desired institution, even though it's pretty much under attack from many sides in entertainment and public attitudes.

Now, that the pressure of if-you-want-her-you-HAvE-to-marry-her has been lifted, guys are free to waffle about making an active choice and instead passively "going with the flow" and are more free to resist marriage if pushed too hard.  This put woemn in an odd place, because women are expected to be the passive party waiting for marriage,  but since the active role is no longer 100% the man's, since it's far more acceptable to be a bachelor forever than a spinster, since he can have all the benefits of a wife without the responsibilites, it's hard for woemn to remain passive and still get that open proclamation of commitment.

I can understand a guy being nervous about asking for that first date,   but if they've been together long enough for HIM to consider marraige, even in secret, then it's pretty much almost always a given that she's already predisposed to accept a proposal - I can't think of to many woemn I know who'd tell their BF of a year or more, "No" shold he get down on one knee if the lady was planning on staying with him.  If she had other interests, or was wanting to end the relationship, then there's a chance for rejection, but otherwise, guys have far less esteem to put on the table and lose when it comes to this than they used to.

I know exactly how you feel. I'm kinda a control freak and I like things to be done my way as well. Also, I end up initiating most things in our relationship. My FI and I have talked about it a bit and he told me he was thinking of marriage before I brought it up, but he wanted to be sure we were on the same page. I think that is why he waits for me to bring stuff up most of the time. Also, he was waiting to propose cuz he didn't have the money to get a ring.

If I hadn't initiated the discussion about marriage when I did I definitely don't think we would have gotten engaged so soon, but I do believe that we would have been engaged within a few years at least.

I think if I never brought it up then it would never happen.  It still has not happened but we have made progress and he says he is ready now.  I NEVER brought it up untill probably four years ago.  Even then it was not serious.  It would be a one sentance statement.  I felt like he should be prince charming and ask me without me bringing it up.  Well I came to realize that is not going to happen.  He is just too comfortable and if we are going to progress we really need to have a serious talk about what we see in our future.  Thanks to the weddingbee waiting boards I found out that I'm not the only girl in this situation and I got lots of advice.  Now I feel like it will happen soon and it's not because I forced him, it's because we actually communicated all our fears, hopes and dreams.  I'm so thankful for all the advice I've had on this site.  Thanks bees.

My man brought it up very quickly in our relationship, and proposed WAY sooner than I ever expected. We both knew we wanted to spend our lives together, and often discussed our future/kids/etc... but never the proposal aspect. Some guys are more focused on marriage/family/etc... and he happened to be one of them.

I think it depends on the guy. The VAST majority of men would take ages to propose if they felt no pressure- regardless of how in love they are. Society and the media has lead us to believe that if a man truly loves you he will propose quickly and without any prompting. I don't think that this is the case. When I began talking to my married girlfirends, I found out that every married woman I know hinted and talked with their boyfriends about their desire to get married prior to getting engaged.

@adage: I'm sure your FI is lovely and that that game thing is a general statement about some men. Honestly, if I felt like a guy was avoiding discussing marriage as a way of leading me on or playing a game, I would be furious. I expect that any man I date would have the courtsey and maturity to tell me if he didn't see a future with me so that he would not waste my precious time

I brought it up first because we'd been together for over two years at the time and I wanted to know if he thought we were heading in that direction or not.