Weddingbee boards

We've been married since December 5th...but thougth this was the best category to fit in, since this is about my new inlaws and the last wedding costs.

We hired one of his good friends to be the photographer. He isn't just a hobby photographer...he has been photographing for years and about 2 years ago decided to get serious about it and start his own business. I love his work, so I was happy to hire him. We never discussed price...he told us he would give us a friend discount, but we stressed we weren't hiring him for that reason...we like his work and want him for his skills, not any discount (Plus, I am completely camera shy, so I knew I would be more at ease with him than a stranger). We discussed with him that we didn't want an album...we just wanted a CD of pictures, and that we would go through him to order any prints we wanted. So, he agreed to do it.

So, he's been working on the pictures and giving us updates here and there, but kept delaying the payment discussion. Finally, he tells Mr. Spotted that the CD is in the mail, and when asked how much we owe him, he said Mr. Spotted's parents were going to take care of that.

(Okay, let me break in by saying that I didn't realize how much of a control freak I was until we started planning this wedding. Let me also say that I'm 34 years old, so I've been on my own for awhile and worked hard to get to where I am today. I'm a very proud person, and I don't even ask my parents for money unless there is NO other option. Even then, it makes me sick to my stomach. So, just a little background on who I am.)

Anyway, Mr. Spotted and I had already talked to both of our parents when we were planning the wedding...it was our wedding and our financial responsiblity.We paid for everything, minus a few things here and there that our parents did.

I asked him very nicely if he would talk to his parents about it, tell them we appreciated it but that they had already done enough for us (hell, they gave us plenty of wedding presents and a Wii for Christmas, even though we told them we didn't want/need anything for either).

Well, he did the exact opposite...he told them that *I* didn't want them paying for the pictures, and that HE didn't have a problem with it, but that *I* did. Well, apparently, they already have paid...but they told him that *I* could write them a check if it was going to cause problems between us.

And while he was there, apparently, they let him have it about how I never want them to do anything for us. When I asked him to explain that, he said the pictures, and that I never wanted them to pay for lunch when we went out.

I blew up at that. In my family, when my mom, my sister and I go eat, we take turns. So a couple of times when we went out with his parents, I offered to pay. They never let me so I quit offering. I didn't think it was that big a deal. I haven't offerered to pay since before we got engaged, but apparently, they have held it against me this whole time.

Getting back to the pictures...his parents paid OUR photographer $200. I knew he was going to low-ball us an amount, but I wasn't going to let him do it. Never did I imagine it would be THAT low. And never did I imagine that I would be completely cut out of the discussion and have NO say in how much he should be paid. $200 for him and his wife to drive 2 hours, to be at the church for 6 hours, both of them taking pictures during their friend's wedding instead of being a guest...plus the countless hours of post-processing. $200 is an insult. But his parents paid it. And the sad thing is that they probably don't realize that they took advantage of him being a really nice guy. They probably think $200 was what he should have been paid.

So now I can't stop feeling hurt and angry and embarrased. I know I have to just let the pictures go. There isn't anything I can do about it...there isn't any way for me to make it right without making everything more awkward than it already is, or coming across as a bigger bitch than they apparently think I am. So the photographer got screwed. I got screwed. And his parents apparently have a major issue with me know.

How do I do it? How do I just let it go? How do I make this right with his parents?

Let me say I really do appreciate them doing this for us. I'm not a heartless bitch...I do understand that they were trying to do something nice for us. I just can't help feeling betrayed and guilty because they went behind our backs and took advantage of us hiring a friend. I can't help but wonder if they would have been so quickly to offer had we hired a $2000+ photographer.

First off, thanks for the comments. I've read and taken in every response, and it has made me think a lot about everything, and made me realize some things I didn't at first.

I agree that my major issue in the whole thing is with my husband. When I talked to him about the pictures, I thought we were on the same side. I had NO idea he did not agree with me. It was not until after he talked to his parents that I found out that he had no problem with them paying for them...and that he had told them that. If he had discussed it with me before and expressed his opinion, I may not have pushed the issue.

I agree...there is a major difference between his family and mine. My sister and I were raised very "hands off", and grew up to be very independant. I've done everything for myself as long as I can remember. I've made my own decisions, good or bad. I talk to my parents almost daily, but can go weeks without seeing them. We don't do big family get togethers. I can't remember the last time I saw any of my cousins.

He and his sister are very dependant. He is 25 and she is 22, and she still lives with their parents (and he did as well until we got married). They tell and want their parents involved with every detail about their lives. They have to get their parents opinion on everything.

And I have to admit, I have had issues with his mother since the wedding planning started. After we got engaged, my husband and I discussed the wedding. Neither one of us wanted a big wedding, and we decided we wanted it close family and friends only. We sat down with his parents and my mother and we all agreed to that. When everyone turned in their guest lists, her list was over half the guest list. She invited more people than myself, my husband, my mother, stepfather and father combined. Half of her list my husband didn't even know. I did not say a word. I took her list and I invited her guests. I guess that still bothers me...

Throughout the wedding planning, his mother tried to take over everything. I understand that she wanted to be involved and I tried to involve her in what I could, but like I said, I didn't realize I was a control freak until this wedding. My husband and I planned out how we wanted everything, and his mother's suggestions didn't really fit into our vision. My mother made suggestions, and when I did not take them, she was fine. She told me later she didn't agree with everything, but realized it was my wedding. His mother did not handle my rejections as well. She got offended when I didn't want to use the cake topper from her wedding. She threw a fit because we weren't having the reception at the church (which we ended up having there anyway, because of the cost of the increased guest list) She even went to my friends about how I was "doing too much on my own and I needed to delegate or I couldn't get it done".

So yes, I am fully capable of admitting that I have issues with his mother. But I also realize that is HIS mother, and is now part of my family, so I have to learn to accept their family values and intergrate them into my own.

However, typing all this out and thinking about it, I realize that I think a lot of my issues with them paying for the pictures may go a little deeper...first off, I DO appreciate them trying to help. Secondly, I feel like I would have been just as upset/guilty/embarrased if they had gone around us to work out a low price and pay for the cakes (which a coworker of his father's made). However, we have had disagreements with his mother and his sister about them putting pictures of us up on their facebooks. As far as I know, my husband agrees with me on this. His sister and his mother are friends with hundreds and hundreds of people we don't know (a lot of which THEY don't know...they add random people for Mafia or Farmville reasons). His sister has an open page that allows anyone to view it. She posted pictures on her facebook from Christmas morning of me in my pajamas, and pictures from one of my showers. I very politely asked her to take them down. She got pissy, but she did.

As I mentioned, I am a VERY private person. I have one profile picture of myself on my own facebook. My page is locked down to only friends, and I only have about 60 friends. I don't add everyone I've ever met. So, when we got the first preview of the wedding pictures, his mother and his sister asked if they could put them on their facebook. My husband actually stepped in and told her we didn't want any of them on anyone's facebook.

Part of myself can't help but feel that with them paying for the pictures, I will lose control of who gets to see them and will have to cave into his mother and his sister wanting to put them on their facebooks. Yes, I want to share the pictures with my parents and his parents, but some of the pictures we've seen so far are very personal and private, and I feel like some of them should be only meant for us (meaning myself and my husband). But again, I'm a very private person. I don't want everyone in the world to have a picture of the first kiss shared between my husband and I. Some things, I just want to share with my husband.

So yeah...I think I'm finally admitting to myself where some of this is coming from. I know I am overreacting, and being untrusting, and probably making a big deal over nothing. I do think I am right in being upset about the photographer not being paid what he should have, and I appreciate the suggestions to send him a little something as a thank you (I'm thinking a nice gift certificate to B&H Photo.) But I also know that his parents probably have NO idea what photographers cost, and his friend is being overly generous in offering them such a low price.

I agree with everyone...the photographer has been paid and there is nothing I can do about that. I will very gratiously thank them for the gift, and explain that I never meant any disrespect. I will not bring up the photographs or the photographer again. When we get our CD, I will sit down with my husband and order some pictures from the photographer for our families (which he and I planned to do all along). We will get these pictures framed and/or made into small albums and give these pictures to both of our parents as gifts.