Post # 1
Approx 10 years ago, I became friends with a guy (let’s call him Adam) and we were fairly good friends. He asked me to go ring shopping with him when the time came.
Eventually years passed and he got married. I was asked to be part of the wedding party. I was pretty good friends with his gf/fiancee/wife. Let’s call her Jane.
9 months after the wedding, they began divorce proceedings. It was not amicable.
Jane was very angry, hurt, upset, etc. for quite some time.
Fast forward to present day, 1.5 years after they initially separated. I still keep in contact with her, and lost touch with him.
I would like to have them BOTH at my wedding, but I’m afraid of what would happen if they were in the same room together.
Should I approach them individaully and gague their reactions? Or just not invite either or them or both or them?
Post # 3
You really don’t think they could even be in the same room together? If you are friends with her I would talk to her about it. See how she feels. I understand you want him there but you are closer to her, it sounds like, and she should be the one who lets you know.
Post # 4
I would invite her, since she is your friend. I would not invite someone that I lost touch with. I think it’s odd, especially if you know it could be hard for her.
Post # 5
Regardless of their situation, I personally wouldn’t invite anybody I lost touch with to my wedding, but that’s just me. If you do really want him there despite no longer speaking with him, I would definitely ask her her opinion since she seems to be the one you’re still close with so her feelings are what should matter.
Post # 6
@Birdee106: As far as I know, they have not seen each other in 1.5 years.
All necessary communication was via email.
Post # 7
@Sparkle_Bee: That doesn’t mean that they couldn’t handle being in the same room though. More than likely they’ve moved on and could at least be civil. But like the PP’s said, I would just invite her.
Post # 8
It seems like our guest list is full of people we haven’t seen for years and years or people we’ve lost touch with. So to me it’s not that strange.
I initally thought i’d have full control of our guest list, but my whole family is very opinionated so there will be about 20% of guests I’ve never met or heard of until my announced my wedding.
Since my parents are paying for the venue portion, that’s the way it is.
Post # 9
- Wedding: November 2013 - St. Augustine Beach, FL
@MrsTVLover: This is what I was thinking as well.
Post # 10
If you would like to invite them both, I would invite them both. But, I would also contact each of them to let them know that both are invited. They are adults, so I would assume that they’d each be mature enough to make the decision whether they can attend at the risk of the other one being present and that they can handle themselves appropriately.
Post # 11
I’d invite them both, say that the other will be there, but you have them sitting separately of course.
Post # 12
@SavBride: Sounds fair.
@vmec: lol opposite ends of the room if possible
Post # 13
I generally turn down all invitations where my ex-husband will be. We had a nasty divorce (and a nasty marriage), and it’s really impossible for me to enjoy myself when I’m on high alert for dealing with him, and everyone’s staring to see who will make a scene. That was part of the reason I had to drop all of our old joint social circle — people would invite me to parties where my ex would be with his new girlfriend and get upset that I wouldn’t socialise with them. It is incredibly hard to go through a nasty divorce. It’s even harder when mutual friends want to put you in social situations with each other.
A year and a half is not a long time. It really isn’t. And if Jane has been in the midst of the divorce over the past year and a half, seeing Adam will be incredibly difficult and tense. Personally, to me, it seems incredibly rude to invite both halves of a divorced couple where they don’t get on and the divorce was not amicable.
I wouldn’t invite Adam, since you’ve indicated you’re closer with Jane. But if you do invite him, make sure you tell her, and give him the same courtesy. And don’t be surprised if one or the other, or both in the end, decline the invite because of the presence of their ex.
Post # 14
@mistress_anne: Thanks for your honesty. I don’t want to put either of them in a difficult position.
Post # 15
@Sparkle_Bee: No problem. I would rather be honest about what I’ve dealt with in order to spare someone else difficulties than clam up. If you’ve never been through a nasty divorce, it’s hard to imagine what it’s like, and how vulnerable seeing your ex can make you feel (and angry, and scared, and embarrassed, and and and). I didn’t expect it the first time, but after that, I just couldn’t deal with it. And I don’t think my now former friends really knew what they were doing — we were the first to divorce in that circle, and no-one knew what to expect. That doesn’t excuse their behaviour later, but it does highlight, I think, how difficult juggling a divorce is for everyone else, too.
Above all, be gracious and kind. Jane will appreciate it. And if you’re not gracious and kind about it, you might lose her as a friend. So that’s the trade off, really.
Post # 16
I would talk to her about it. They should be able to put their differences aside to celebrate the special day of their friend. They don’t need to be buddy buddy at the wedding, they just need to be able to respect the fact that this is your day and be civil… I don’t think that’s expecting too much. If you invite them both, make sure they are aware of that and leave it up to them if they are comfortable attending.