Post # 1
I’m going to make this quick. I hoping someone can give some words of wisdom, a book to read, etc to help me get over this.
I am completely insecure in my relationship with my SO. I don’t feel like I add up (and I am a very confident person). I don’t feel like I can trust him (but he has never done anything for me to feel this way, and he treats me like a princess). He does everything right, I couldn’t ask for a better man. I feel that my insecurity comes from him being in the military. We aren’t enganed, married, etc. We are only dating, and though we have discussed marriage and we are on the same page, I can’t help but feel maybe he is using me, maybe I’m only a placeholder for while he is here, maybe he is lying, etc, etc, etc. It all boils down too, I’m afraid he’ll leave me.
I want to get over this, it affects my relationship. Most days are good, I can deal. Other days not so much and I just want to end the relationship before he can end it with me to avoid getting hurt. Yes, I’ve talked to him about all this & he does his best to soothe my worries, and always to show me that I have no reason to feel like this.
Again, any advice is helpful. I’m tired of always having these downs. My SO shouldn’t have to put up with me feeling like this all the time, and in the end if I can’t get over it, it will only damage my relationship.
Post # 3
Maybe your insecurities are linked to your past..how were your previous relationships? You write you are a confident person but what i can feel from your words is that deep down you are not and maybe there’s a reason for it (BF related or not).
It’s scary to give all your heart and soul to one person. The more one gives, the more one has to lose..i felt this with my now husband, in the begining of our relationship. I was soooooo scared because i was falling for him really bad and had that panic feeling in my stomach “What if he leaves me? What if i am feeling way more than he feels about me??” Truth is..we never know..but i believe it’s worth while conquering our fears and just..go with the flow. “I prefer a life of Oh well..to another of What if..”
Post # 4
Sounds like something about this guy/relationship has caused you to have low self esteem.
Im not sure how that happened, but as long as you are 100% sure that he is not using you then Thank God that you lucked out and found an amazing man that thinks that you are just as amazing because that is every girls dream and you should be living that dream instead of stressing that you are not good enough for him. You are good enough! He chose you! He sees in you what you dont see in yourself! And thats amazing…
You have to turn this around, if you arent able to and his reassurance is not helping, go seek professional counselling to work through your feelings, but if you have a good man and a good relationship and everything is great, dont blow it! Good Luck! Hugs!
Post # 5
@Rivendeler: What you said, is exactly what my SO says, he said he came to a realization a couple months after we were dating, that he loved me like no else before and he too was afraid to lose me but he didn’t want that ruin the goodness that we had now.
And I think outwardly, I am confident. Inside, I am a bit more scared of the world. Maybe it is linked to past relationships, I couldn’t say entirely.
@Happy Hopeful Bee: I would say for this first time ever, I feel like I have a good man, and in a way this makes me feel inadequete. I find myself comparing myself to him alot and wondering, “Why does this man even love me at all?”
Maybe counseling would be good? I’ve tried dealing with the stress on my own and nothing has helped.
Post # 6
@flowersandfaerydust: Did you have a previous relationship where you got hurt? I had an awful 5 year on/off situation with my ex, and I find myself still going back to those old habits even though I haven’t seen him in 3+ years. For example, if my boyfriend and I fight, I instantly worry it’ll be the end of us. Usually I manage to snap out of it, but I have to admit that my last relationship did more damage to me than I realized. Also, not to make this thread about me or anything, but my father left when I was 13. That definitely didn’t do anything for my confidence. It’s a cliche to have ‘daddy issues’, but sadly I sometimes realize that even though all that crap happened YEARS ago, it affected me. So basically what I am saying is that your past can definitely impact you future. You just have to try to measure your current relationship in and of itself.
Also, he’s in the military so I assume you’re apart for long periods of time, yes? That would be difficult for any relationship. It takes a strong person to be able to handle that. Also with worries about his safety I am sure that scares you as well. You worry that you’re a ‘placeholder for while he’s here’ – I think deep down you’re scared about the uncertain future and not just scared whether he’ll bring you along to his next city, but what the impact moving will have on you.
You did not indicate how long you’ve been together. My suggestion would be to make sure you have a life outside of him – it’ll keep you occupied, you’ll miss him more, and then worst case if things don’t work out, you will have something to fall back on.
Based on what you said, I can’t say for sure why you feel the way you do. I think a lot of us have times where we feel we don’t deserve X, Y, Z… but you have to realize that he wants to be with you… or else he wouldn’t stick around. You say he treats you like a princess – this is good. As long as you’re not compromising your values, I don’t see how he is using you.
Post # 7
I know I didn’t give much information about the relationship, I just didn’t want to ramble on.
I can honestly say this is best relationship I’ve been in. My parents love him, he hangs out with them even when I’m not around. He helps with my son, with chores around the house, and we get along amazingly. And I think all the positive scares the crap out of me, I’m scared I’m going to lose it. I’ve been in relationship after relationship where I was emotionally abused and controlled. This current relationship is nothing like that and I’m finally seeing I deserve so much better (what my mom has been telling me for years), but again, scared out of mind of losing it.
I try to have a life outside him, but its hard & I didn’t have much of a life before I met him. I’m a single mom, work full time (I leave the house at 7 am and get home at 6 pm) and have another part time job picking up an extra 10 to 15 hours a week, I also am a full time student (online at my state university), and also have to keep up with stuff around the apartment. I usually only hang out with friends once every two weeks, I’m either too tired or don’t have the time. I don’t know how to focus on anything else.
Just want to say thanks ladies for your help. I can only see at this point that I need to destress some and take a little load off of my plate. Maybe counseling. Something. I’m tired of going in circles. It is just nice to have someone listen and give a pat on the back!
Post # 8
@flowersandfaerydust: Good luck whatever you decide to do
Post # 9
Knoweldge is power and knowing is half the battle so its good that you are acknowledging the issues that need to be resolved… The Bee is an awesome community where you can come and express issues and get support.
I hope that you get everything worked out, sounds like you have a good relationship, you should do everything you can to preserve that and work on your issues. And you can always come to The Bee and vent and get support
Good luck! Hugs!
Post # 10
I have a lot of the same feelings you did and it really took a toll on our relationship. I have done individual counseling which helped but after my SO and I broke up for 6 weeks in January my terms for getting back together was couples counseling and it has been super helpful for us. Now we understand our relationship dynamics a lot better. We still have work to do but I feel like we are moving in the right direction. Good luck to you and hang in there! Remember positive attitude 🙂