Post # 1
After much deliberation I have decided to seek advice on some problems I am having coping with my Husband’s past.
I recently got married after being with my partner for 2 years and I can honestly say he is the bet thing that’s ever happened to me but I just can’t seem to put his past behind me. Before we got together we were really good friends and we talked about everything and we still do but some of what he told me still haunts me.
One of the things he told me was he dated a woman about 10 years ago, way before he knew me. He told me that he did love her at the time and that was fine I could accept that, this was before he knew me. However, it was only the other day that I found out she still worked at the same workplace! I was in such a state of shock and anger but mainly sadness. Now everytime he goes to work it really sends me crazy and I don’t know how to cope. I am really insecure regardless of this because of things that have happened in my past and now I feel like I have hit rock bottom. Please can anyone tell me what I should do? It’s killing me inside.
Post # 3
Talk to him about it. Tell him how it makes you feel when he goes to work and she is there too. Discussing with him will be like a weight lifting off your shoulders.
Post # 4
Did he lie about them working together or did he simply never tell you? I ask this because if he lied thats not cool. If he just didn’t tell you it’s probably since he didn’t want you to worry about it. My FI did something similar with our neighbor! I knew all about her but never knew she was our neighbor until I somehow put 2 and 2 together after I moved into his house. He just didn’t want me to worry about something that was a non-issue. I didn’t think I’d be able to deal with living next door to her but honestly I don’t even think twice about it – we just laugh at her and all the men she has coming in and out of her house now. I’m not concerned in the least that he failed to tell me becasue something was still going on.
Post # 5
I have but it just causes arguments. I have told him and he says he understands but then he acts like we have never discused it. I sometimes go out to work with him and I haven’t seen her but it just makes me feel physically sick :S
Post # 6
Well he didn’t ever lie but he just failed to mention she was still working there 🙁
Post # 7
It’s not like it was just someone he slept with, it was more than that, he loved her and i still think that feeling that strongly about someone, maybe it might be rinkindled again if we ever fall out or anything, it worries me so much.
Post # 8
Just tell him how you feel about it. It will make you feel better trust me.
Post # 9
@ZocturnalToast: maybe it might be rinkindled again if we ever fall out or anything, it worries me so much.
Well, if you talked about it, and he doesn’t think it’s a big deal and you keep worrying about it, you are pushing him away, and you may fall out because of this issue, and that isn’t healthy because you have no trust. I would deal with it since it is your problem that won’t let go. (counselor)
Post # 10
You really need to let this go. It was 10 years ago. That’s a very long time. He can’t help it that they work in the same office and it’s not like he’s hanging out with her during or after work.
Post # 11
@ZocturnalToast: If he was going to rekindle it, he probably would have done it by now. Their relationship ended for a reason, and that reason will always be there. I really wouldn’t worry about this, especially considering there’s not much you or he can do, since this is a co-worker. Unless you started dating in elementary school, there’s going to be people in his past. They are his past, though. You are his present and future. He chose you.
My fiance’s best friend is a woman he was with for almost two years. They were friends for a few years, dated for almost two, didn’t speak for a year, and now have been friends again for about six years. In that time, they could have rekindled their relationship, but they didn’t. They both agree they’re better as friends and shouldn’t have dated in the first place (though she is one of the only other women he’s ever loved).
It is possible to be around someone you used to love without falling in love with them again.
*Edit: That may have come off snarky, which I didn’t mean to be at all.
Post # 12
You should find a therapist. I’m not saying that to be mean, but this isn’t run-of-the-mill insecurity/jealousy. It’s perhaps normal to be jealous of your husband’s past girlfriends, but you say it’s killing you inside, that you don’t know how to cope, and that his ex haunts you. This isn’t normal and I think it would help you a lot to speak to a professional. It’ll help your marriage too.
Post # 13
I really believe I need help, so I don’t take it offensively at all but I think part of the reason as well is cause he is my first husband but this is his FOURTH marriage. I knew all this before we got together and i accept it but it just irritates me sometimes and when we touch or anything all i can think about is if he enjoys it more with me or not.
Post # 14
I agree you need help…. and I don’t say that to be mean either. But what do you expect him to do about it? Quit his job? Ask her to quit her job? Come home and bad-mouth her so you feel better? I guess I’m just not sure (and he probably isn’t either) what exactly he’s supposed to do to make you feel better.. .about a relationship from 10 years ago.. a woman he’s seen all this time yet chose to marry YOU….
Post # 15
So when something like this happens to me and I’m feeling irrational about something, I use reason to make it go away.
1. So first of all, it was 10 years ago. That is LOOOOONNNNNGGGG time. Think of where you were 10 years ago and how much you’ve changed and grown. He’s done the same and so has this other woman. Would you go back and date the person you liked 10 years ago? Probably not right? Well the same sentiment applies to your H and the other woman.
2. People fall in and out of love all the time. He doesn’t love her any more and just because he sees her doesn’t mean that he’s going to fall back in love with her. It’s not like you can only ever love one or two people and that that love never dies. That’s just not how it works. Have you ever loved someone that you don’t now? Focus on that non-love feeling and remember that’s how your H feels about this other woman. Yeah, you had something in the past but it’s done and gone now.
3. Remind yourself of how awesome you are. Think about your best qualities and remember that those are the reasons your H married you and loves you!
Now repeat those 3 things in your head or even out loud. It’s been a long time, people change, he doesn’t love her, he loves me, I’m freaking awesome, I’m _____ (fill in the blank with your amazing qualities). Take deep breaths and relax your body – think meditation style.
Good luck OP!
Post # 16
@ZocturnalToast: I am over 50, and an Encore Bride (I was married the first time for aprox 25 Years) and getting ready to marry again to someone who has also been married before, and also has a lot of life “under his belt”… (he’s over 60)… SO I GET WHAT YOU ARE SAYING !!
Having some apprehensions about your Hubby-2-B as he was an EX-Husband to someone else is natural (and the more times they’ve been married, the more you have to wonder “Is it them?”… and “What does that spell out for me and our chances?”)
So having SOME concerns is normal (truly be it for any of their substantial past relationships… be a marriage or a long-term situation… past loves – living together with someone – Engagements etc). And most of those fears / worries can be worked thru just by the two of you talking so you come to understand what his feelings were (and most importantly ARE) about these past relationships, what went wrong, and how he views them today.
Finding yourself though NOT AT PEACE with the situation in your Engagement or Marriage with the person is NOT A GOOD SIGN. You should have come to the marriage 100% KNOWING and being COMFORTABLE in your heart and mind that you were the ONLY ONE for him. Period.
So I too suggest that you get some counselling to come to grips with it (jealousy, insecurities all point to low self esteem). As the others have said, HE CHOSE YOU… so you need to realize that you WON THE PRIZE… that HE VALUES and LOVES YOU.
It is possible that the only way to get there and have a truly healthy relationship… that you don’t find yourself poisoning with your doubts and issues, is thru getting some therapy.
Hope this helps,