(Closed) insecurity after our first post-engagement fight…

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6893 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: March 2012

Definitely do pre-marital counseling, whether it will address that issue or not is up to you guys and the program you choose. (You can look for one tailored to communication, for example.)

We actually did a “pre-engagement counseling” type thing because we were going through similar things. Long hours at work/school, lots of other responsibilities, and just letting “life” get in the way. It’s normal, so don’t feel as if it isn’t to feel like you’re having a communication breakdown every once in a while.

Post # 4
Member
1243 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

Man, I’m sorry this happened…but I DO think that it’s good that you’re being so honest with yourself now, as opposed to after the wedding.

So…to use some armchair psychology:  I too would be concerned about the communication piece.  He should be communicating his alone-time needs with you and (IMO) it shouldn’t be about ignoring the other person.  That’s kind of what he seems to be doing here.  Also, (don’t answer this if you don’t want too) what do you mean by the fact that your sex lives are on different pages?  If my DH just came home, ate and watched tv without speaking to me, I wouldn’t be feeling very sexy…not at all.  

On the weekends, when he’s visiting his family, do you stay home by choice or because he wants to go alone?

I think that maybe you guys need to have some counselling if only to learn more about each other’s communication styles.  Honestly, even if he’s doing better now, this may be what he falls back on in times of stress.

I think that you ARE being smart by questioning this now…at least you can find solutions.

Post # 6
Member
614 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

It sounds like maybe you are an extrovert and he’s an introvert… I learned about personality types in marriage counseling, and it really helps when you can attribute some behaviors to personality types.

A friend of mine has expressed how hurt she was when her new husband needed time away from her (right after the honeymoon) because they were cooped up in the house for like 2 weeks with no routine. She’s an extreme extrovert and he’s completely the opposite…He needed alone time, and they had a one-bedroom house. Knowing that’s his personality type helped a little, but it still hurt.

Also maybe read “The 5 Love languages.” It sounds cheesy but it does help for each of us to know what makes the other feel loved. Quality time(actively talking to each other, not just being in the same room) is one of the love languages– and it’s one of mine. 🙂

I’m not saying all of this to excuse away his behavior, just food for thought. I do recommend pre-marital counseling though!

Post # 7
Member
3758 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Definitely do premarital counseling, we had somewhat the same problem. He was always working and didn’t have enough time for me because when he wasn’t working he was sleeping or on his computer (we don’t live together) He just really did not see that too me we were never together because to him it seemed like he was with me all the time for some reason… its just one of those differences between men and women, he just needs to learn to be sensitive towards your needs =)

Post # 8
Member
2192 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: November 2011

I’m really sorry you are dealing with this! You should be proud of yourself for acknowledging it now. Not everyone would be as honest with themselves or their SO so kudos to you!

I also agree that pre-marital counseling may do you both some good. It’s never easy to handle family traits that come out of nowhere. My ex-husband ended up becoming his father and that was the end of us. But, I think counseling could have really helped. We still wouldn’t have made it but he may have ended up better than he is now.

I wish you lots of luck! and ((HUGS))

Post # 9
Member
3041 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2010

Maybe he could stop going to his parent’s every weekend & went every other weekend or 1 weekend a month, you two would have more quality time. Not to be rude, but it seems a little odd that he’s always leaving you at home. What it sounds like to me is that you barely even see each other & in your free time, he choses to go be with his parents. That may continue to happen unless you guys change it, people don’t just change once they get married. Maybe you guys could do something fun & different after work one day. Like go have a picnic dinner or go out to a new place. Make dinner together. Maybe rent a video game that’s for 2 players & you could both play. Or just something so life isn’t so “routine”. I’m not saying he doesn’t want to be around you, it just can be a big adjustment & we tend to stick to what we know/ what we’re used to.

Post # 11
Member
208 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2011

sure go for the pre-marriage classes even if u dont need it. I heard that they have good advice and i wll defiently take those classes …every relationship is not perfect and it could use a boost at somethingss…but u should be happy that he has chagned to his old-self and is working better for hte relationship…maybe he got too much going on or stress that he pulled back..i am sort of having the same issue but we have been engaged for 1 1/2 …we are workign on it 😉 so just be honest with him and if he needs his splace give him i am sure u need urs too hihih

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