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Yes, it is rude that she suggest you attempt to find another host for a whole another shower. Your role in the shower planning process should be limited to one task, and one task only: providing a guest list. Certainly don't take her "suggestion" to find another host for another shower. The person who offered to host the shower should already understand how many people you could potentially have at your shower (all of the women invited to the shower should be invited, per etiquette) before offering to host it, so I don't think you should feel bad about that.
I also think your fiance should not voice his opinion on this subject. I just don't think he (or you) should be involved any further. This shouldn't be causing you stress!
I would tell her that if there is going to be 40 extra people there then SHE (your FMIL) will have to split the cost or cut people from coming. Its not like it's 4 extra people. Tell her that its not fair to invite that many extras and not be compensated in some way. If there is no compensation then no one else will be invited. It's not fair for someone else to foot the bill. Besides, she said it herself, that this should be a family party, well shes family so open that pocketbook missy!
I wouldn't let it go-hell no! I would just tell her straight, this is not fair you wouldn't dream of inviting 40 extra of your family to a party hosted on her side of the family. Or if she wants to invite that many people then she should be hosting another party for just his side.
But thats just me. I wouldn't want someone doing that to my mom's best friends, thats just total lack of disrespect.
Your MIL is completely out of line. You need to ask your mother's friend about the number of people she feels comfortable inviting. Then you and your FI can decide how many of those invites should be allocated to your mother in law. Your FI needs to tell his mother that she has a choice - she can either pay for 40 people's food and drinks, or she can invite X number of people for free.
How good is your relationship with Mom's friend? I'm asking because, for your sake, it might be best for her to tell your FMIL that she can't take on 40 extra ppl. Her personality might be more introverted (and be very difficult for her to confront FMIL). Or maybe she speaks her mind, and has no problem letting her know. After all she'll probably never see her again, outside of the wedding. But you will have to deal with her forever.
Really FMIL is way out of line. In fact you aren't really supposed to have more than 40 ppl at a shower anyway. Over by a bit is one thing. But she is talking a whole separate shwoer. And the shower is supposed to be those close to the bride. The groom's family isn't a necessary invite (except immediate family etc.). It's fine if she wants to give you a shower and inivte them, but she needs to do that herself.
So sorry.
Rude, rude, rude...man, I am ticked off for you! This is completely rude...if it was me, I wouldn't invite any of her friends/extended family. Probably not an option (or a good decision), but I would be seriously pissed enough to do it. Sorry I don't have better advice for you, but I think professorbee's idea is a good one--give her the option of either paying for all 40 or inviting 10 (or whatever number you choose) for free. Good luck--keep us updated!
I'm confused. If she said have two showers, why wouldn't they (her side of the family) host the party for her 40 people??
In any case, she's out of line and I agree with professorbee. She needs to help or not make crazy demands. Good luck and update us!
Thisis a hard position to be in. It's possible though that there's an alternative meaning to what she suggested. Depending on how your fiancee brought up the idea of adding a host from his side, it could have been based on how large the shower is getting to be, which is why she may have suggested the second shower as a solution. Clearly I don't know all the circumstances or prior comments or your relationship with your fmil, but she may not have meant any thing bad by her comments.
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I'm so sorry you're in this tough situation. I too think FMIL is out of line and being rude.
Has your mom’s friend set on a location for the shower? Maybe she can use space limitation as a reason to cap the number of guests? Or just have her tell everyone this is an intimate shower and only close family & friends are invited. And if you get asked about the actual guest list, just say you want to be surprised so you are not asking details anymore.
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Ugh. I'm sorry she's put you in an impossible situation. Unless your mom's friend is well-to-do and money's no issue, I think demanding she take on feeding 40 extra people is a bit much. It is beyond me why people think that just because it's wedding related, financial issues are irrelevant. Um, hello.... is she aware of a little thing called a recession? *sigh*
Anyways, back on topic... I agree with folks saying the first course of action would be to talk to the host and find out her max number. From there, you will know how much of an issue this is. For readdressing the issue with FMIL, it's your FI's mom, so he should try talking to her again. Importantly, maybe you guys can brainstorm together about what to say. Ultimately, try to put a positive spin on things ('it means so much to us that the family is so supportive of us. we can't wait to celebrate with everyone on the big day!'), be firm with the facts ('host can only afford/has room for #x people') and maybe invite FMIL to help come up with creative solutions (maybe a potluck event at another family member's home?). Let her know you are open to other ideas but having your BMs host something is sadly not an option either. Wishing you super good luck! :)
Hi Ladies! S
o here is the update- my FMIL still wants nothing to do with the shower accept for adding his 40 family members to the invite list. My moms friend is being amazing and does not want me to tell my FMIL that she has invited too many people because there are already other sticky situations between our two families because of this wedding. She does not want to add fuel to the fire- so to speak.
Anyway we had to change it from a brunch to a tea so that we can fit this many people in her home and not spend a fortune. My mom tells me to drop it because she knows my FMIL is insane and there is no rationalizing with her. I'm still so pissed and embarrased that his family adds drama to every social event, but what can I do when we (my fiance) have already confronted her on the issue.
I did tell my finace what when his little brother gets married that I will make a point of offering to host a great shower for his future bride infront of his family. This way they can see what a normal person would do in a situation like this where his family is so large...
Thanks for all the advise- let me know what you all think I should to from here!
say you took his mom's advice and decided to have 'my family only' shower.
and that you think you need a separate In-law family shower; but only if she (your MIL) hosts it.
Ugh. I hate the way some people act when it comes to weddings. You learn very quickly that it isn't so much about what you and your FH want, but what everyone else wants and expects. Since your problem is pretty much resolved, I don't really have any advice but I do agree with Tanya123. You're probably already strapped, but I think it would be nice to do something special for your mom's friend (it doesn't have to be expensive), just a nice token to let her know how much you appreciate her, because not everyone would oblige such a ridiculous request to have THAT many people in their home at their expense, just for the sake of keeping the peace. Even if they don't all show, that's still pretty ballsy for your FMIL to insist they be invited just because that's what she wants.
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What an amazing friend your Mom has, if she is able to host the addditional people (which is sounds like she will) allow her to do it just because it seems that things will be easier all around if FMIL gets her way. Yeah it really stinks but in reality there isn't a whole lot you can do at this point.
Definitely agree that you should get her (hostess) something special for hosting the shower and being so flexible, and if you want to feel a little better, get everyone's attention and take a few moments during the shower to give her the gift and publicly thank her for all the work she put into the shower and for being so flexible with changes that arose! Then you, your Mom and your Mom's friend can all have a little smirk.
Don't forget to give your FMIL a little wink when you thank your hostess too! ;-)
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So eariler today I posted about how my MIL told me to include all my fiances extended family in the bridal shower (40 extra women). My mom's best friend is hosting it so I feel terrible that she has to host so many people the I and my family dont really know. BUT my biggest issue was that no one from his side of the family was offering to help in anyway with the shower- when the guest list is over half his family.
So my fiance talked to his mom tonight and asked if anyone might be able to help with the shower so that my mom's friend was not taking it all on by herself. Not only did she say no, but she said that maybe my friends should host me another shower so that one is a "friend" shower and one is a "family" shower.
I live in Chicago and all of my family is from out East so I have no family here. Meaning that I should have my mom's friend host a shower for his family, and then ask my BMs to host me another one for friends and family friends...
I am in my early 20s and my BMs have already hosted an engagement party AND they are planning my bachlorette weekend. So there is NO way I would want them to take on a shower too.
I just cant believe she would have the nerve to say that I should be having my side of the family host 2 parties that include his entire family and never once say "is there anything I (or one of his sisters, aunts, family friends) can do to help?"
HOW DO I DEAL WITH THIS??? Should I just let this go or is this as rude as i feel it is??