Post # 1
sorry if this is super long!
Background: There is a friend of mine and two of my BMs, lets call her C, who we’ve been friends with since middle school. I was never close to her. We never even hung out one on one. Just hung out when we were in the group. We all went off to college and lost touch with her. Three years later, (which was a few months ago), she got back in touch with us and is actively seeking our friendship, which is fine with me. She’s very interested in my wedding and wants to help as much as she can, which I really appreciate. I like her as a person and have nothing against her. We hung out for the first time one on one yesterday and had a lot of fun. I can see us becoming better friends, or at least more than just acquantances, through this wedding process.
With that said, she’s not a bridesmaid, because obviously she’s just -now- becoming a friend of mine. She wasn’t actually a friend for years and years and wasn’t a friend around the time I asked my bridesmaids.
My bridesmaids are compromised of three girls who knew each other and hung out with each other in high school and are very close friends of mine, my FSIL, and my college best friend. C knows the first three girls and is even close to my MOH.
Now since nobody really knows my FSIL or my college best friend, I thought it would be fun if we all went on a lake trip together. So we’re setting that up right now and I’m wondering if I should invite C… She’s going to be helping me make my feather flowers for my centerpieces and she’s going to help my mom and another BM write on my invites (I have horrid handwriting).
I was thinking that it may be weird if she came, because this is a bridesmaid trip. It would be like, all the bridesmaids plus C. If she’s helping with a lot of the projects and also goes on the BM trip, she might as well be a BM, right? But we’re not that close and only started becoming friends around the time I got engaged (last March). Would it be weird if I didn’t ask her to be a BM but asked her to come on the trip?
What would you do? Invite C or not invite her?
Post # 3
If she is still close with your two bridesmaids, I would feel out the situation with one or both of them. Basically just pose them the same question you posed to us and try to gauge her potential reaction that way. Otherwise, if you feel comfortable doing so, you could be pretty straightforward with C. Something along the lines of, “Hey, C, I don’t know if you’d be interested or not, but [names] and I are going up north soon and I wanted to extend an invitation. We just want to do some relaxing before the wedding 🙂 Let me know if you want to join us!” She obviously knows that the girls are all bridesmaids, so by naming them I think you’d give her the opportunity to either come or bow out gracefully if she’d feel awkward, without explicitly referring to the proverbial elephant in the room. Of course, you could definitely ask her specifically how she’d feel about it if you and she are the sort of people who could have a super frank conversation. I think you’ve got some options. Good luck!
Post # 4
Since she’s doing a lot for the wedding anyway, I would give her the honorary title of “personal attendant” (do people still do those at weddings? Is it maybe a regional thing? People had them all the time when I was growing up, but I never see it mentioned on the boards.) I’d invite her along on the trip, and when the wedding comes around, get her a corsage, put her name in the program, and get a picture taken of the two of you together.
Sound like a workable plan?
Post # 5
I like the idea of feeling it out with the other two girls.
I was already planning on buying her a gift and mentioning her during my thank you speech. I have heard of personal attendant before, but not in this area. Just mostly online 🙂
Post # 6
If I knew somebody that was willing to help me to do all that stuff, who I enjoyed being friends with, and that I could see our friendship continuing to grow even stronger in the future, I would make her a bridesmaid. It doesn’t really matter how long you’ve known somebody, as long as you feel a connection.
(Of course it’s up to you and what you want, just my 2 cents!)
Post # 7
Personally, I think “personal attendent” is an idea best discarded, both as a term in this situation and as an overall concept. She’s either a bridesmaid, or she isn’t. “Personal attendent” is like “not good enough to stand with me” along with “but good enough to work on my behalf.” I hate it.
I recognize that other people feel differently, though.
Maybe you could consider inviting C as well as another good friend or a close cousin or something? That would eliminate the awkwardness of inviting just C in addition to the bridesmaids…
Post # 8
This is tough, not because she doesn’t deserve to go, but because personally, I would feel pretty awkward knowing that everyone else but me is in the bridal party. Even if I didn’t want to be in the bridal party, I would feel out of place on a trip intended for bridal party bonding. Like pp said though, I would feel it out with the other girls.
Post # 9
- Wedding: March 2012 - Father's Vineyard Church/ A Touch of Class Banquet Center
I was actually C in a situation recently. My childhood best friend recently got married and we only got back in touch about 6 months ago after a falling out in college. I was eager to help her and didn’t care about not being a bridesmaid. She invited me to all of the bridesmaid things and ended up naming me her “Hostess/Attendant.” I was so happy to help her and to get our friendship back that the other things were bonuses, and I definitely think that including me in those things just strengthened our friendship. I didn’t mind the personal attendant idea at all because I knew that it was her way of making me something special and showing her appreciation. I didn’t once think that it was because she didn’t think I was good enough to be a bridesmaid, I know she had already picked them and it was her decision. That is just my personal opinion though.
Post # 10
If this is a BM trip, then I would not invite her.
Post # 11
@pharmy: I actually jumped the gun initially and asked a girl I had just become good friends with a few months earlier to be my BM when I first got engaged. Then we quickly had a falling out and mutually decided she shouldn’t be a BM. That’s why I’m hesitant about asking C. Right now everything is good and seems like it will be good, but I’m moving away after the wedding and there’s a strong possibility (as with any new friendship) that we’ll lose touch.
@Mrs. Doily: Thanks for your story! It’s nice to hear from someone who was actually in the situation. I don’t know her well enough to know if she would be as “mature” (for lack of a better word) about the situation or not, though :S
@Jijitattoo: That’s a good idea but I don’t really have anyone else to invite who is in the area 🙁
I’m currently leaning towards not inviting her. It’s a bridal party bonding day and I would feel uncomfortable FOR her if she were to come along. Ack. I’m still torn lol. Thanks for all of the input so far, guys!