Post # 1
Given the number of posts here on WB about mom-daughter struggles, I thought everyone might be interested in this article!
This was really validating for me. It took my mom and I awhile to keep a good rapport going about wedding talk. Her initial reactions were not what I would have expected. First, she thought I was being a ‘Bridezilla’ simply because I was excited about my own wedding and throwing out ideas. She kept asking why I was making ‘a big deal’ about it (she wanted a closed ceremony followed by a family dinner and nothing else.) Then, she kept treating it as if it were some crazy idea I dreamed up, saying “Well IF you really get married…”
It took me awhile to see how strange this was. Yes, getting married is a big deal and getting excited is a natural, healthy reaction, not Bridezilla behavior! And my fiancee’s commitment to marrying me should be taken seriously, since he’s an upstanding person who’s never given her any reason to believe he would pull a stunt like that!
Anyways, I guess my point is that a lot of us Bees didn’t get the reaction that we anticipated or hoped for initially. In my mom’s case I cut her a lot of slack because it was easy for me to see where it was coming from – she suffered a serious family tragedy shortly before her own wedding and I think the idea of me getting married brings it all back. We have gotten to the point where she shows some tentative excitement now, and I hope she will be able to really enjoy the day with me.
Loved the article, though, just as validation that this really does happen and I’m not going crazy here!
Post # 3
For sure…a lot of my friends have moms just like this! Personally, my parents thought having a traditional wedding and not, say, running off to Vegas like they did, was a waste of money and I got sick of the criticism (not your money, shut your pie hole IMO). I had to put the kabosh on their comments cuz it just wasn’t cool and frankly, none of their business. I wasn’t going to elope, I wasn’t going to rent a wedding dress, I wasn’t going to not serve food, I wasn’t going to just get married and not have any sort of reception, I mean, really. My mom got more excited/into it once I gave her stuff to do though. Honestly tho, if my only complaint is that for the first few months my parents were apathetic about my wedding and thought us spending 20K was wasteful, I don’t have it so bad! My one friend cried like every single week b/c of her mom. It was so sad =(
Post # 4
That was a very interesting article. I’ll say that so far, I think my mom has done slightly better than I expected with all of this. Her initial reaction to my engagement was the worst of it, but her new motto (which she tells me often) is: I don’t get to choose. lol. So now whenever I say something she doesn’t like she takes a breath and repeats: I don’t get to choose. Maybe a little passive aggressive… but better than being hostile 🙂
Post # 5
I had practically the opposite experience – I constantly wanted to know my mother’s opinions on ideas that we had, but she would only ever say “that sounds great” to everything. Not because she was apathetic or anything, but because she didn’t want to spoil any of my excitement. I had to have a talk with her to tell her that I really valued her opinions and ideas, and when I asked for her advice I was being sincere. She really got into the swing of it when we went dress shopping, lol!
Post # 6
I have this fear! My mom is not a very excitable person and while I know she loves me, I just cant see her being all that happy for me. My best friend got engaged in july and her mom and dad and whole family are so happy and supportive I almost feel jealous :/
Thanks for posting this article!
Post # 7
Thanks for posting this article! I have experienced a lot of struggles with my Mom during the planning process. I can see that she is going through a lot, but she is sure not making it easy on FI and I! I am getting more anxious about her behavior as the wedding gets closer and I can only hope she is not going crazy on the big day.
Honeybear- My Mom shows no interest in the planning of the wedding or the shower. She is only interested in the wedding when she feels like her “territory” is being invaded by FMIL or that she is not getting enough time with me etc… It makes me sad to see my friends get so much support and excitement from their moms during the weddin planning as well :/
Post # 8
Thank you so much for posting this. I was just thinking of starting a thread about how crazy my mom is being. I’m an only child. I spent the first couple months of my engagement crying because of the reaction I got from her. She would always make comments about how she was waiting for FI to make it legal, since we lived together. When he did propose, she never congratulated us. She talked about “this wedding” and made snarky comments about having to pay for it (she offered and I graciously accepted). A year after the proposal, she still doesn’t seem happy for me, still complains about the money. She tells me there is still time to run away (but in the same breath she talks about how I need to start having babies).
I felt much better after reading this article. It helped me understand what might be going on with her. It still stinks because I wanted my wedding planning to be a fun and happy time with her, but I end up keeping her out of the planning because she makes it miserable for me.
Post # 9
GREAT article! She touched on so many important issues that many of us struggle with. Thanks!
Post # 10
I really really wish this article helped me understand what’s going on with my mom–maybe I’m missing something, but she doesn’t seem to be going through anything at all. I’m not sure she’s even noticed. She was very kind when we got engaged, she loves my fiance, she listens politely when I tell her what’s going on with the planning process, but then she thanks me profusely for not making her have anything to do with it. She’s not coming to visit anytime before the wedding, she’s not coming in early to help out with last minute stuff, she’s not staying for any period of time after the wedding even though we’ve delayed our honeymoon for a few days since all our guests are coming in from out of town and we want to spend time with them. It’s fine, I’m handling it all, but I have to say….this is not the dream I had when I imagined the wedding planning process. I felt horrible guilt when I found my dream wedding dress and she wasn’t there, so I sent her pictures and got her on the phone to get her input before I bought anything. She told me she didn’t know why I interrupted my shopping trip to call her, the dress was fine, but she didn’t feel the need to weigh in on these things. She thanked me for not making her take me shopping. Is she going through all the stuff in the article and I’m just super insensitive and not getting it?
Post # 11
Moms, the only way to understand them is become one 🙂
The emotions run high, low, excited, hurt feelings…..
I am trying my best daily and you ladies help me see some of my faults and examine my strengths.
Hang in there, there is no love like a Mother’s Love and we did not get a manual with you.
Post # 12
My mom doesn’t really seem to fit into this at all. She is blase about our wedding. I know she loves me and really likes my FI, but she seems to feel that other then wearing a nice dress and showing up, she shouldn’t have to be involved. The only thing this article gave me (although it was a good article- it was thought provoking) is the idea that maybe because my mom’s mom was never in her life (she ran off, leaving her 6 kids with my grandpa when my mom was 2) and my mom has never been good at being a mom (very stand-offish and cold for the most part), maybe my mom feels like I ought to be adult enough to deal with it on my own, as she did with both her weddings. Its difficult to know.
Post # 13
….my mom is being a momzilla. Seriously, the week before we got engaged she would. not. let. it. go. The day AFTER we got engaged she was blowing up my phone reminding me of the things I had to do. She’s SO excited, but I’d really like to enjoy being engaged.