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So, in the midst of wedding glamour and silly decision making, I find myself coming up to these very real and very honest “WAKE UP” sessions. I can only describe these as times when the font on the save the dates, really is not hitch to my “happily ever after” and the important part of this entire mess is KNOWING that without his love and our loyalty to one another, non of this would have ever happened. Although I am guilty of using my puppy eyes to try to talk him into the pretty little necklace that would just go smashingly well with my gorgeous gown, I am proud to say that I know, given no dress no vendors, no drink or food or even a single person standing near us to ask if “we do”… we would! We would marry anywhere, and have actually considered just driving up the street to the courthouse, blow off the families and just be hubby and wife! BUT, we both want our day to set aside and celebrate one another’s pledge to join our families. NOW TO GET TO THE SUBJECT OF THIS POST:
While the hustle and bustle of married life hangs temptingly and anxiously in front of my eyes, I cannot stop myself from thinking about our family, our little nook in this earth, together. So far our children consist of an 8-month Golden retriever puppy and a 1-year-old gray kitty, our house feels loud and homey J I want to have a child together with my Man-to-be, but cannot and never have been able, to shake off the willingness and WANT to adopt a child. My only reference is that the child be from Africa. Now, I have read and read and then read some more after reading a little more about this process, and not only the process but the shuffle of whispers and the loud and proud protests that are surrounding the topic of interracial adoption. My attempt would never be to “take” this child away from their heritage. I can see the selfishness in ways of those who only view adoption as a “way out” for the child. Simply, somewhere, a child was born. And in that simplicity they have an opportunity in this life, no matter where they are. I want to be apart of a child’s opportunity, and I would never forget to understand the lengths that child took to come to me, as I for them.
So what is your view on this topic? Have you adopted? Do you know anyone who is adopted? Do you approve of interracial adoptions?
@Jessoverall: My parents adopted my brother..he is caucasian as is the rest of our family though, so no international adoption here. In general it is MUCH easier to adopted younger children from a different country if you can get past all the paperwork. My parents were in the adoption process for baby nationally for 10 years...so it takes quite a bit of time. I dont know how someone could be against international adoption really and I dont know if anyone has the view of "white mans burden" anymore regarding this issue, if you know what I mean.
We are in the early stages of adopting domestically. Personally I'm for adoption of any means. No one can tell you how or where to build your family. International adoption is stressful mentally and financially but so is domestic adoption, there just maybe more of a burden with travel and finances. I'll be perfectly honest too bc DH and I have had this conversation and it saddened me; I'm for interracial adoption and see no color. However, I know my inlaws and I know for a fact that if we did an interracial adoption, our child would be treated different. It's horrible and I'm sad but I refuse to put an innocent child through that, so we will not be doing an interracial adoption. FWIW my BF growing up was an adopted child in an interracial family and it never bothered her nor did she see any difference.
I very much would like to adopt eventually, here in the Uk ther have been a few legislation changes regarding interacial adoption over the last few decades. we have finally come to a point which i agree with the law, any child would benifit more from a loving home than the care system imaterial of the race of the parents who are adopting. A child needs love regardless of their race and that love can not come from a childrens home. I think what you are doing is great. In the Uk even though the laws have changed black children are still more likely to remain in care than white children and this rate is increased if the child is a boy. I say go for it LOVE IS LOVE and thats what u are offering x
My aunt and her husband adopted 3 babies from Russia ~15 years ago. I believe they could have adopted in the US, but they went to Russia and saw the deplorable conditions in the orphanages there and just couldn't imagine leaving some of those children behind. I believe there were a ton of hoops to jump through, but my former uncle makes a lot of money/is in politics, so that probably helped. I believe the whole process from start to finish took around 3 years, but they were extremely proactive. I love my cousins and couldn't imagine life without them! Because of this I will always support international adoption, or any adoption in general. All three will be in our wedding next year. This wasn't an interracial adoption (all 3 are blonde hair blue eyes), but even if it was, I would support it all the same.
I am completely for adoption whether it be interracial/international or not. I feel a great burden to adopt. My family has added to its numbers thru adoption for seven generations now. I am open to adopting from Africa or anywhere else. I think your desire is a great thing. Children are children and all orphans deserve a family :)
My Uncle and his partner adopted two boys from Guatamala and my family is caucasian. They have had no issues concerning interracial problems as far as I know. The only thing I think that has been mentioned was when my cousin was a baby. His hair grew so much faster than anyone else and it stuck straight up on his head. So cute! My FI and I want to adopt at least one child someday too. We plan on adopting within the US, but we won't care what ethnicity the child is.
I'm adopted, and while I'm the same ethnicity as my parents and am from the same area, I'm all for it. In any way, shape, or form. Some child, somewhere, was meant for you. Nothing else matters.
I have a very dear friend who adpoted two brothers( 6 and 8 at the time) from this country while she was a single Mom. It has its set of problems but honestly so does raising a child of your own blood. My feeling is that a child is a child, no matter what country they are from, what color their skin, what language they speak. EVERY CHILD deserves to be loved. If your heart is thinking this way I encourage you to seek more information. For my friend it was the best thing she ever did. She was a 43 year old divorced woman living life alone. She adopted these boys because they needed her but quite frankly she needed them too. Since that time 3 years ago, she met the man of her dreams and they married a couple of months ago. She now is a happily married woman with 6 children (he had four already) Wow how life can change when you follow your heart. If you go this direction seek out groups provived by the adpotion agencies these will tell VERY honestly what to REALLY expect. Good luck in both your marriage and family choices!
My only worry with adopting children from developing countries is that sometimes the babies/children arent really up for adoption, they are just snatched, stolen or forced away from their parents to meet the demand. If the child being adopted was actually given up willingly by their parents then thats fine by me.
Bees, thank you so much for your input, support, and stories. Each of you has moved me, and I only feel even more impowered by my choices. I thank you all for your time, and please, lets continue this discussion! For any who have an opinion or have been or know someone who is adopted, continue your story here.
I agree with a PP, do your research. International adoption is rife with corruption.
This is a book that was just published, but the website is a good source of some investigative material related to international adoption
FI and I want to have our "own" children, that is biological, but also would want to adopt. Though I have no problems with interracial adoptions at all, we most likely will be adopting a child who looks like they could be part of our biological family. Not certainly domestic, but someone who doesn't look like they don't belong. Of course if we fall in love with a specific child, it doesn't matter race or ethnicity, but I don't think we would actively seek to adopt outside our race, just because I personally feel there is a cultural thing that being a southern white girl, I just don't get and wouldn't want to put a child into the mix of not totally fitting into the "white" group that FI and I and our bio children will be, and not fitting into their own biological race because they are being raised in a "white" culture.
My sister has 2 nephews (two VERY white parents) who were adopted from India and they have no issues. I think adopting is an incredible thing, no matter how it happens.
My cousin is Chinese and my aunt and uncle adopted her as a baby. They were unable to have children of their own. They have done an incredible job of making sure my cousin is aware of her background, where exactly she's from, and they have found people from the same province to teach her the dialect. She's done little projects at home about her birth culture and loves talking about China.
Adoption in any form is, IMO, a good thing. Do your research and go through a reputable agency, though.
I would love to adopt if I can afford it- That is the only thing that would prevent me from going internationally. I support adoption (legal adoption) of any kind. I think there is something beautiful about mixing ethnicities and I would love to learn about the child's country and find people here they can learn about their culture from, as well as the language and occassional travel there.
Haven't read the other replies here but I felt kind of compelled to reply since I am an international (and inter-racial) adoptee. Honestly? It sucks. And that sounds very blunt but it's the truth. I love, LOVE my family with all of my heart and spend lots of time hanging out with them, but I definitely grew up feeling like I was out of place and even feeling like I was crazy for feeling that way. Adopted kids are expected to feel grateful they were saved, but what a lot of people don't think about is how actually being given up for adoption affects you. I have always struggled with abandonment issues and on top of that I've struggled for many years with hating myself and wishing I could be white like my family.
There isn't something "beautiful" about mixing ethnicities. And I say that as an Asian adopted and raised by a white family and married to an African American (can't mix it up too much more than that 
). To me it's kind of sad and weird because I WAS that kid that grew up with no good role models in my race and actually hated myself and wished I could just be like my family. That I could fit in more. Having a sense of culture, a feeling of pride in my heritage? Those are things I really missed out on. So don't just adopt internationally because you want to be politcally correct or because you want to save a baby. When I was a teenager I struggled with abandoment issues and would act out a lot because of those. My parents took me to a psychologist and I remember him telling my parents there were five other Korean adoptees who were patients there. Five. They didn't put together that adoption was the link (I really cant imagine how they didnt see it) but I know that it has been tough and not acknowledging it only made it worse.
If you know all these things going in you are well ahead of the pack and you are better prepared to help your adoptee...I just felt like it might be helpful to hear from someone who has been where your future kid might be!
My caucasian friends just adopted two babies from Ethiopia. They are the most gorgeous dark-skinned babies with blue eyes, I didn't even know that was possible! They are definitely planning on teaching the children all about their culture. While they were in Ethiopia they purchased traditional outfits for each kid. They are now big enough to fit in the clothing so a few weeks ago she posted a photo shoot of the children in their traditional dress. It is such a special keepsake for these children as they get older! Another thing they did that I really like is sponsoring a child in Ethiopia. They found an organization where they could help out kids that still have families but the families don't have the means to provide beyond the basics. They are helping a young Ethiopian boy get an education. They even got the chance to meet him while they were in the country for the adoption. They gave him gifts of clothing, sports equipment, school supplies and even got a chance to play soccer with him. I really like the idea of staying connected to the country even after brining the children home.
I have another friend (she is single) that adopted an older girl (4) from Costa Rica. I can't even imagine being a single mother of a four year old girl that doesn't even know English, but I think it is amazing! I know she changed this girl's life and that little girl also changed hers.
Due to medical circumstances there is a real possibility FI and I will end up adopting. Based on research and experiences of others I am definitely leaning towards international adoption.
@kate169: THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR SHARING THAT!. I am certainly for any type of adoption, international and interracial but I've always had pause when people see it as a "we are one" utopian, united nations type of thing. There are important cultural and societal challenges associated and while I dont doubt people have good hearts, Im not sure everyone really understands some of the ramifications.
I am all for adoption, but international adoption has an ugly underbelly. I'd highly encourage a lot of research into reputable agencies. Please keep in mind the many children in foster care waiting for permanent homes.
I think interracial adoptions are perfectly fine but I personaly would prefer to adopt a child in our own system than to go to another country. I feel like as Americans, we love to help others but don't help ourselves often enough.
@kate169
First off, thank you for being so honest. This is exactly what I wanted this post to reveal to me. Your struggle is not uncommon, unfortunately, and I have read many stories and have witness many arguments concerning how you have felt throughout your life. That is a truth that cannot be denied. Your first hand account on this is so valuable to me. I feel that the nurturer in me would gather up any child and my ultimate goal for them would only be that they are happy, and that’s the largest unknown in adoption. I’ve never made myself available to international/interracial adoption for an applause or to hear I have great intentions; it’s merely my ability to give my heart to a child. This is so touchy and I really respect your story. Thank you.
It's hard to see adoption as anything BUT a wonderful thing but I know it's not for me. For a few reasons.
1) If I can have children naturally or without much difficulty I will. If not, I won't. My husband and I have agreed not to pursue fertility treatments, donors/surrogates, or adoption. It's just a personal choice, although I sometimes wonder if, once we start trying, and I have it in my head that I want to be a mom, that attitude will change.
2) Like a PP said, many of my adopted friends (I have several, included a boss who is adopted and has two adopted children) had serious abandonment issues as they grew up and didn't always feel as connected, especially in families where the parents also had biological children.
3) The corruption of the international adoption business concerns me. Sometimes even domestically, there are just too many hands in the pot. Also, there are in-utero concerns as well. In the U.S., drinking and smoking while pregnant is frowned upon/STRONGLY advised against and prenatal health is given a lot of attention. This is not so in many other cultures. I am not sure I want to know what those effects could be down the line, beyond poor infant health/FAS/whatever.
4) I worry that because the child not a biological part of me that I will have (admittedly, evil) thoughts, such as blaming something I don't like about the child's personality on . . . something other than our parenting. Isn't that horrible? I can't believe I just typed that. I just don't ever want to look at my child and attribute a learning disability or undying stubbornness to less-than-desirable birth parents.
I'm awful. I know. Judge me.
So, Caucasian or not, I just know I couldn't do it.
I have some experience with adoption, so I can share my perspective.
My FI’s sister cannot have children and have two adopted kids. Both were domestic adoptions. The family is Caucasian and they adopted a Caucasian girl and African American boy. There are on a waitlist for another adoption and they are open to all ethnicities.
They are GREAT parents and their kids are just wonderful. There have been some awkward moments, but they handle them well. For instance, a boy scout came to their door selling candy. The dad answered holding his son. The boy asked “Whose baby is that?” and the dad said “Mine.” And the boy said “ok”. We were visiting FI’s grandmother, who is old, forgetful, and senile, and she repeatedly asked, “Who is that little black boy?” When his mom answered, “Mary’s son” the grandma just said, “Oh that’s great”. To be honest, I thought maybe he would be treated differently in our family, but I’m happy to say that isn’t really the case. I’m sure there will be questions as he gets older (he’s three now), but they didn’t try to keep the adoption it a secret with their daughter and they obviously won’t with their son.
My mom’s two best friends have also adopted (both same ethnicities as their parents and adopted as infants).
As I’m sure you know, adoption can be heartbreaking, expensive, and exhausting, but is phenomenally rewarding if you are up to it. I too am considering adoption, even though I have no indication of fertility issues.
It is important to go through legitimate adoption process. Here’s a link to a Dateline broadcast about criminal international adoptions. http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/22756856/ I will warn you, it is heartbreaking.
@kate169: I’m so sorry you feel that way.
My little brother was adopted from Colombia. The rest of our family has pale skin, light hair, and light eyes, and he's the one tan kid with black hair and dark eyes. It caused some questions in the past, but we moved past that. I think international adoption - when done right and through very reputable organizations - is a fantastic thing to do, even if the adoption is interracial.
My brother, of course, had plenty of questions about his heritage when he was growing up. There was a whole community of Colombian kids in the area who had been adopted through the same organization, though. We would go on camping trips, to Christmas parties, to cultural fairs, and all sorts of things with this group. They would teach the kids about their heritage and show them that they weren't alone. My brother had dozens of other Colombian kids his age to play with, and it was wonderful.
The one problem that we have to this day is that my brother has always wanted to go back to Colombia and visit, but my parents were scared to do it because of how many problems the country was having. It's gotten safer recently, but my brother is having his own problems, and my parents just won't pay for it now.
Anyway, I think international adoptions are a beautiful thing, and I commend you for it.
And as @kate169 has pointed out, there very well might be abandonment issues or other issues with rasing an adopted child that you will need to consider.
I don't think that means that people shouldn't adopt. An adopted child would have much more support to work through those issues in a loving adopted family than in the system.
What @kate169: brought up is a very real issue. Kate, if I might ask, how old were you when you were adopted?
Like I said, my brother has had his own problems, and I'm sure some of them are related to his adoption and the issues that come with it. That being said, he's about as American as they come, and I know he's glad he was adopted. I think he would agree with Kate that being adopted into a different race and culture sucks, but I also know that he would tell you in a heartbeat that it sucks a lot less than what might have happened to him. We don't think of ourselves as having "saved" him, as someone mentioned, and I honestly hadn't ever even considered that idea before now. He loves his life here, though, so he's glad it happened.
Everyone has their own problems, and some have more than most. Unfortunately, children who have been put up for adoption are going to have those problems regardless, and NOT adopting won't solve anything. International/interracial adoptions aren't ideal, but they're better than the alternatives.
@ daybyday: you are not awful, you are honest and incredibly considerate. I comment your choice and I think adoption should absolutely be looked at through every perspective.
These stories are all remarkable. Please speak up and voice your opinion. I am aware of the strong opinions either way on this issue and in talking more in depth and with first hand accounts I think anyone interested in this topic will come away with valuable education.
@GreenEyedMoon: I was an infant when I was adopted. I was about three months old I think. So I don't remember Korea at all and am definitely an all American type person. Which is really part of what I think is sad. Because my culture is really beautiful and rich but I totally missed the boat on it because it really and truly makes me feel uncomfortable and out of place anytime I get to experience a little bit of it. Like I don't really belong as an Asian and I def am not white.
As for alternative to IA, I really think that countries should focus more on domestic adoption programs within. I have read that Korea is halting international adoptions as of 2012 and I think that's great. The focus out there should be on lessening the stigma of single motherhood and allowing a system to be put into place where there isnt as much of a need for international adoption. I'm pretty sure I read that over 250,000 Koreans have been internationally adopted. That is pretty darn staggering and its actually really sad if you think about it.
@Crabbabs: That doesnt mean people shouldn't adopt, BUT you really need to examine your reasons for doing so and consider what bringing an adopted child into your home will really mean. Its not as simple as giving birth and raising your own flesh and blood. There are lots of emotional ramifications people just dont think about. I would recommend people interested in any kind of adoption check out the book The Primal Wound by Nancy Verrier. Its a pretty eye opening book and the first time I read it I felt TOTALLY validated because I had always just believed I was crazy. Not crazy. Adoption trauma is real.
@kate169: My brother was about the same age. He was four months when he came over here.
The problem is that not all countries have the infrastructure and development to foster domestic adoption. The Colombia my brother came from was full of guerrillas and corrupt government/military officials, drug cartels and poverty. There weren't enough people without children who wanted them for all the orphaned children. Domestic adoption just wasn't an option. There are still plenty of countries out there like that, unfortunately. Domestic adoption is a great thing when it can happen, but that's not the all-encompassing solution.
I also happen to know that adoption trauma is rife even in adoptees who went to familes in the same country and of the same race. You don't have to deal with as many questions from people, and you're not as obviously different, but you still have to deal with wondering why you were given up, or why you're not as obviously similar to your family as other family members, etc. There have been tons of studies proving that fact.
@GreenEyedMoon: I agree on all points, especially that adoption trauma affects everyone. And not everyone shows it the same way either.
@kate169 - Thanks for recommending that book. I will check it out. I appreciate hearing your perspective. I agree with you that no-one should go into adoption ill-informed.
@kate169: I'm not adopted, but feel a little of what you feel. My Mom is Japanese and my Dad is Caucasian American. On one hand I feel very American, but on the other, I feel a little Asian and don't quite know where I fit. I went back to Japan recently to visit relatives and I loved it, but it did bring up feelings of loving America and being American, but missing out on that side of me. Not trying to discount your feelings, just wanted to let you know that even with a Japanese biological mother exposing me to her culture, those feelings are still there.
@KristenGotMarried: THIS! Agree with you 100%... although I am NOT in any way against adoption from another country....if my DH & I were looking to adopt I would begin here in the US.
@bride2bejc: I think one of the main reasons that people adopt internationally rather than domestically is because it's actually much more difficult to do it domestically. There just aren't as many babies (and babies are what most people want), and the process you go through with CPS and the courts is much more intensive and time-consuming. It can take years and years - as long as a decade - for a domestic adoption. On the other hand, my parents only had to wait about two years for my brother.
I'm adopted from Colombia. I was a little under 2 months when I was brought to the States. Throughout my life I've heard some other international adoptees say that they wish they had never been adopted, that they feel like being adopted made their lives more difficult. I won't lie and say I haven't felt lonely, empty and sometimes even angry at the fact I was adopted, but I can't say I regret it. I think about what kind of life I could have had if I wasn't adopted. I would have been brought up in an orphanage and by the time I was 18 I probably would have been put out on the street to fend for myself with no ties or support. To me, that's worse than having some issues with identity. If I have any issues with international adoption, it's more with my biological parents and the social/economic situation of my birth country than with my adoptive parents who gave me an amazing life. I'm all for adoption, any kind.
This isn't entirely true. What you're describing in your last post is adoption through foster care. However private adoption via an agency, attorney or birth mother is less difficult than foster care, yet more expensive. The average time frame is 2 years though there been cases of quick adoptions or even longer waits.
I have given a lot of thought to adoption. I would like to have biological children if we are able for various (and probably obvious) reasons, but I have always felt pulled to adoption like others. Is there some desire in me to "save" a child, even though that is not what you are "supposed" to do? Sure. But ultimately, I've always desired to expand my family in that way because it's just another way to have the blessing of a child in our lives. WE (not the child) would feel so lucky to have that opportunity. Still, I feel like we will have to make this decision after we have biological children, or when we are unable to. It's something that is not a decision to be taken lightly and certainly not for every family.
So having said all of that, we wouldn't adopt internationally. It's too hard to ensure there is not corruption involved. Also, as a family of color (I'm hispanic and my husband is black) I feel particularly pulled to adopt an American child, as minority children are much less likely to be adopted in America. I'm in favor of trans-racial adoption, but it does add another layer to the issues adoption can present, so adopting a black child or a child of mixed race would make sense for us.
@GreenEyedMoon: I actually second what you're saying, at least, that was the situation in my case. My parents waited 8 YEARS to adopt me. They began the adoption process at 23 years old, and my mom was 31 when they got me. I came from a private agency, and it's VERY time consuming, and, at least at the time, the cost was a percentage of your yearly income...I believe it was 10%, but I'm sure that's drastically changed in the past 30 years.
I was also adopted at 3 months old. And while both my parents, my older adopted brother, and I are all white, I knew immediately that I was adopted and different. I don't think it is necessarily completely a race/ethnicity issue (although I understand the added issue of having a different culture and not being connected to it) I always knew I was "different" and that there was something "missing". And I honestly have the best parents in the world.
Thanks for listening to my ramblings...it's early and I haven't had my coffee yet :)
@mmsva: I hear you! I'm sure my kids will feel like that one day since they will be biracial.
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