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Yep, I'm in a similar situation although FI's family speaks minimal English (the exception being his 70 year old dad who is retired and thus studies in a grandfather class for fun). I know a large part of the problem in my situation is that I should be more competant in Korean by this point as we live here. However, my job requires me to constantly speak English, so I don't get a lot of practice time. Probably in your case too, the more you learn, the easier your life will get. Perhaps if you try to show them that you are struggling through their language, they will slow down, show more compassion, and try to communicate with you more?
I don't have a lot of advice, but it's something FI and I continually work through. Whenever FI is with a group of Koreans, he tends to block out everything around him and get emersed in a conversation forgetting that I'm there. I guess I also feel like I have better strategies for including him and other Koreans when we are with a predominately English-speaking crowd because I am a language teacher. I'm constantly checking that he understands, giving alternative vocabulary words, explaining more complicated details of whatever story someone is telling etc. He's having to learn how to be a bit more considerate of me, but when it comes to language, I think it's a long slow battle! I also find that his friends with much less English ability than him are more inclusive. I think perhaps when people become very fluent in another language, they tend to forget just how difficult it is for people who are starting out? People have a lower ability know what alientaion feels like.
I'm 100% sure it is NOT intentional that they're leaving you out. They're reverting to their native (and thus most comfortable) language, which is a pretty natural thing to do.
Have you thought about studying up? Afterall, you're marrying into this family and culture!
I have the same exact problem!!! My FI is Swedish and they always do this to me!!! I get so mad because it is not fun to spend a whole dinner not saying a word. At his sisters confirmation this summer he was like if you want to go take a nap or read thats ok because I was just sitting all alone with no one to talk to. OMG I am seriously so happy you posted this it makes me feel so much better.
my best friend has this issue with her FILs...even though her FI has asked them time after time to speak English when she's around. she decided to take some language classes and just not tell them 
I have thought about taking Swedish classes but have not been able to find any around me right now but for our trip this summer I am packing lots of books and crosswords etc to occupy my time when they are all socializing!!
I am in a similar situation. My fiance and his family are French and though most of his immediate and extend family can speak English (and do when addressing me directly) they have the same tendency to revert to French. Its just more natural for them and I don't begrudge it. I've been working myself to learn the language and I've found the best way is just to have my FI speak it at home. We have designated days where he is only allowed to speak to me in French. I can still respond in English, otherwise things would get way too frustrating, but hopefully I'll start responding more in French as time goes on. We both think its important for me to learn so that we can speak French to our children and have them learn as well since its part of their heritage.
I've been battling this for 4 years. His immediate family is very good about speaking english for the most part (though at this point, when they switch to dutch I can usually follow along as long as it's not technical talk about computers or cars). However, the rest of the family acts like I should have stepped off the plane speaking fluent dutch.
To make it even better, one of his cousins or nephews got a romanian girlfriend who picked up dutch from the get go. So they can't understand why after 4 years I still struggle with basic conversation. They don't understand that not everyone is a natural linguist and language is my second worse subject. Plus at 30 learning a new language isn't a cake walk!
I literally break out in hives when I have to go to a family function with anyone else other than his parents, oma and sister.
Thanks everyone! I feel a bit better knowing I'm not alone in this. When I wrote this I had just had an extremely frustrating evening with the family. Most of the time I can just let it roll off but this time it really got to me because I didn't feel like part of the family and we're 3 months away from the wedding. I think I'll have to accept the fact that we will never have a warm & fuzzy relationship. Sadly, FI doesn't have a warm & fuzzy relationship with them either, which bothers him a lot.
I started Swedish classes when we first moved here in September but had to stop in December because I started working. My company is very multi-national so the working language is English.
And if no one has every heard Danish...omg...it is the hardest language in Europe I believe. They cut their words in half so they don't even sound like they look on paper. I totally understand that it is their native language and that is what they feel most comfortable with. I guess I get so used to FI's English which is perfect, without even an accent.
@ldyparadox99: I totally know how that feels. As soon as I stepped off the plane they were asking when I was going to learn Danish. One of the first things FMIL said was "The Danish princess that is originally from Australia learned Danish in 3 months" and then just about every time we see them she asks why I have not learned it....I want to say because its a freakin' hard language that only about 5 million people speak. Don't get me wrong...I'm not trying to be "snobby" American...I do love the country and living over here..this is just the first thought that jumps to mind.
My fiance's family doesn't do this - they're actually all really good about speaking English instead of Dutch. His mom and his two brothers are quite fluent in English and his father understands English pretty well but has a hard time speaking it.
My FI's friends on the other hand always spreken in nederlands and it sort of drives me insane!!!! My fiance doesn't notice because he's fluent in both English and Dutch so it really doesn't make a difference to him so I've just stopped complaining about it and I always make a point of inviting non-Dutch speakers over for dinner as well as Dutch speakers in order to facilitate the conversation in English.
We had a few friends over a couple of weeks ago for dinner and they all speak English fluently but pretty much spoke Dutch the entire time which really got on my nerves but whatever. These friends are usually good when it comes to speaking English when I'm around but for whatever reason, that day they felt like speaking Dutch the majority of the time. I just spent most of my time in the kitchen cleaning and cooking and just fiddling around.
I've studied Dutch with a private tutor for 1.5 years (I stopped my lessons when wedding planning began to slowly take over my life but will resume my lessons post-wedding) and am actually pretty good at understanding Dutch (I'm a damn good eavesdropper) but I'm not the best when it comes to speaking it.
Has anyone thought to try Rosetta Stone? I hear great things about it, I know its expensive but if you can really pick it up as quickly as they say you can, I think it would be worth it not to have to deal with that kind of frustratin
I know how you feel :) Like everyone else has stated I highly doubt that they are intentionally leaving you out. they are reverting back to what is normal and comfortable for themselves. But Im sure that if you nicely let them know you feel a little left out then im sure they will slow down or even stop to explain to you what is going on.
My in laws speak NO english at all. zip...natta. They cant even say "hello" in english. I have to constantly rely on my japanese to be able to communicate with them. but you know what? Even learning a LITTLE but of the language is so rewarding and Im sure your in laws and the family will be delighted! You should pick up a phrase book or something!! :)
@Miss Dane OMG...the dutch say the same thing about their Argentine princess. However, the difference between the royals and us is they have the money to send their princesses to the top of the line immersion programs. I know exactly where they sent the princess over here and I've looked into it. It's 3,000 euro for a freakin WEEK.
When people start throwing her in my face these days I just sweetly reply, "Would you like my account infomation so you can make a donation towards the 3,000 euro it will take for me to take part of the same program your princess did?" That usually shuts them up pretty quickly.
Hi ladies! Im sooo glad to hear of other people with this issue. My dh's family speaks sinhalese and its so frustrating!! My inlaws live with my SIL for a few months every summer, and when Im there they always speak in their native tongue. They are all fluent in English- but they still do it anyways. The other thing that drives me crazy is when my SIL doesnt want anyone to know what she's talking about, she'll say it in sinhalese to my husband. It is sooo incredibly rude!
They also have these weekly calls or video calls and never include me in it. It really hurts my feelings. I rarely see my inlaws and when I do I feel so secluded by the language barrier- I feel like I should be included in these calls so I can get to know them better, but Im never asked to be included.
Learning sinhalese is completely out of the question for me- not even my SIL or husband know how to read/write it, only speak it- so Im out of luck! I guess its just something Ill have to deal with- forever.
I am actually the opposite, my family speaks Mandrian when we are together and my FI doesn't understand a word of it. I've had some experience in translating so every so often, I would whisper and translate the gist of the conversation to him or translate if someone cracked a joke, and my family is really good at occasionally (not often) stopping to explain what they are saying. But if you have the formal dinner where you are not allowed to sit next to him, ask him to brief the person next to you to act as your translator would be my suggestion.
My FI was born in France. I was born in the States. He speaks perfect English but I also speak French. I can't even imagine how hard it is for you girls.
His family is not leaving you out. For those who want to I would start learning your FI's language, his family would be flattered that you are trying. Good luck to you all!
@Arancia- Sinhalese is such a hard language. My FI's business partner is from Sri Lanka and I think it sounds so beautiful. I have to know if you have coconut serving spoons? I have a bunch of them from Sri Lanka and I LOVE them!
@Ms. Caniche Learning our FI's language is probably a dream most of us have, but it's easier said than done as an adult. I would LOVE to wake up tomorrow fluently speaking dutch because not only would that make my life with FI's family easier, I could get the bloody government off by back about the integration idiot test.
I have lived in the Netherlands for 4 years now and my level of dutch is getting around shopping, buying movie tickets, knowing what the conductor on the train is saying, and complaining about the weather. If anyone strays from those subjects or speaks dialect I'm lost. ;-) And I have car fanatics and IT people in my family...try figuring out what they're talking about in any language!
I totally understand this situation. I moved to Germany with zero language skills juat over 3 years ago. We spent the first week with FI"s family and thankfully his parents speak a good deal of English. His sister is not as good but can also get by in English but his extended family is at about zero English so holidays and family parties were quite boring/challenging for some time. In general, you can get by in Germany with English. Most of FI's freinds at University spoke fluent or nearly fluent English and I tauch English so I made friends with other native speakers. Usually someone tried to include me but often it was not FI. He would forget and if I would remind him he would begin to translate everything even standard phrases like how are you which I knew.
I took a basic course starting a week after I arrived but was completely overwhelmed by it. Over time, I was able to pick up day to day vocabulary and found that my German is much better at parties after I've had a few drinks (seriously try this, you will use your foreign language more because you will be less self aware). We sometimes had German hour where we would not speak English in the house or on a long car ride but it only lasted until I got frustrated at my inability to express myself.
I only became conversational in the language once I started working in a German office. Even though all of my colleagues are fluent in english and read/write English texts on a daily basis, German is their native language and the language of all interoffice communications so I had to improve. After a year of at work semi-emersion I saw a huge improvement. Now I can understand most conversations but I am terrible at the written language. I understand first hand the difficulties of learning a language as an adult but I also see the benefits. It's really an uphill battle but I hope to keep myself motivated (the hardest part) because I will need to take a language test at some point.
If you are living abroad, look into what kind of government language classes exist. Usually the hours are difficult if you havea job but, in my experience, if you have the time, these courses are the most affordable and they prepare yo for the certifications you may need to stay in the counrty.
Luckily, my guy's family all speak English, but when we were in India for our 1st wedding in November there were many times everybody would speak in Hindi and I was completely out of the conversation. My goal after our 2nd wedding next month is to start learning (I still only know a little) because our children will be fluent in Hindi (taught by mainly him) and how can I have a child speak to me in Hindi and not understand what he/she is saying? Like others said, the best way is to start learning the language! My goal isn't to necessarily be fluent, but to "get by" and know all the common phrases, words, etc. Good luck!
@MrsSl82be
I tried Rosetta Stone. I think its a great product if you start out knowing nothing about a language and want to be able to kind of get around a foreign country. But (at least for me) it did nothing to help with conversational skills. I learned words like post office and ladder - but those don't really come up in conversation all that often :)
@slicey19
Haha - I totally get what you're saying about being better with the language after having a few drinks. My FI says I speak much better French when I'm tipsy :)
For me the pressure and struggling of understanding the social etiquettes and subtle manners in my SO’s culture was even harder than the language. My first impression to my in laws were bad. I came back from that trip thinking I’d done a good job, later to know that I had hurt their feelings in many ways and appeared rude.
It was a very very frustrating process. Unfortunately, my in laws are very traditional, conservative and really close-minded so I felt like I was walking on eggshells while developing my relationship with them. My SO was stuck in the middle, and it seemed to me that he was always siding them but it seemed to them that he was always siding me.
They finally came around right before the wedding.
Regarding language, my SO bought be Rosetta Stone right after he proposed. It was sweet but the program did not really work for me. I ended up taking classes and learning much more. I still nag my SO to learn my language as well but he’s always finding excuses not to. I guess lucky for him, all my family speaks very good English so he didn’t have to go through all the frustration I did!
Ms. Caniche- It certainly is an interesting language! I havent really seen the beauty in it yet, maybe it will grow on me over time.
I dont have coconut serving spoons- but Ill be there in January and Ill have to hunt some down! My FIL owns a coconut estate there, so Im sure I wont have a problem finding the coconuts at least. Hehe.
OMG My FI always complains about the forgein royals in Sweden and their language skills too!!! This is by far my favorite thread ever on weddingbee it just feel so good to know other people are struggling like me. We should form some support group! HAHA
i have this problem ALL THE TIME. my fiance's family speaks in dialect whenever they are all together...not to be mean to me, but because it's just natural for them. i understand more or less, but it's so irritating to hear everyone laugh, or a serious story told...and not understand completely!!!!
we are both italian, but i was born and raised in the states, i moved to italy 3 years ago to be with my FI. so my italian is great, but most def not perfect.
the thing that makes me mad, is when we go back to the states i make sure that he is always included (more so a problem around all my american friends, because at my house we speak dialect (mine) which he understands or normal italian) but when we come to visit his hometown he never translates, or includes me unless i ask.
im glad other people have gone through this too!!!
OH! and no way in heck im gonna learn his dialect, it sounds like hens clucking LOL
i have this problem ALL THE TIME. my fiance's family speaks in dialect whenever they are all together...not to be mean to me, but because it's just natural for them. i understand more or less, but it's so irritating to hear everyone laugh, or a serious story told...and not understand completely!!!!
we are both italian, but i was born and raised in the states, i moved to italy 3 years ago to be with my FI. so my italian is great, but most def not perfect.
the thing that makes me mad, is when we go back to the states i make sure that he is always included (more so a problem around all my american friends, because at my house we speak dialect (mine) which he understands or normal italian) but when we come to visit his hometown he never translates, or includes me unless i ask.
im glad other people have gone through this too!!!
OH! and no way in heck im gonna learn his dialect, it sounds like hens clucking LOL
My man and his family are also all non-native English speakers, but, as in your case, they all speak English perfectly. This is also the case for all of his friends. None live in the States, but we do visit his home (Turkey) frequently. We have had many conversations about this exact topic over the years, and I have learned a lot about him and his family and social behaviors because of this same situation.
Of course, we speak English at home, but when we are with his family and friends they usually try to speak English at first so as to include me but end up forgetting before the end of the second sentence. I do not take this as a slight and neither should you. It’s simply more natural and relaxed for them to speak as they normally would. And don’t you want your man to feel happy and at home when he is with his family and friends? And plus, it means that you two are past the stage where he feels the pressure to entertain you and try to make you part of the group. If he’s just hanging out as he normally would with his friends and family then that means you are part of the group and everyone has accepted you and feels comfortable enough around you to be themselves.
I have managed to learn quite a bit of Turkish, and I suggest that you do the same. We do plan to live in Turkey, so it is critical that I speak the language of the country where I live, but it’s more than that: I do not want his family and friends to feel anything but comfortable and natural when I am around; I want to show his family and friends that I respect their culture and am interested in it; and I want to be able to understand all the snippy little things my bilingual children are going to mutter under their breathes at me when they are teenagers.
And, even if you cannot understand any words you can still follow along. Don’t just sit there and do a crossword and be bored … if you do he and his family are going to feel pressure to entertain you, and are not going to have as good of a time as they normally would. You don’t want that, of course, because then he will feel like you are interrupting his time with his family and friends and that he has two choose between you. Instead, stay engaged. You can easily follow a conversation even when you do not understand a single word. Laugh when appropriate, tell you own stories (in English, of course) and ask for little whispered translations on the side instead of interrupting the conversation for one. Pretty soon, you’ll feel more included, people will have a better time with you, and you may even pick up a word (or many!)
Good luck, and absolutely do not take it personally!
Also, regarding Rosetta Stone. I do have it, and I have used it some. I think if you do not have minimal skills in the language or knowledge of its grammatical structures it would be very hard to do the exercises. I suggest that you buy basic books in the language (university textbooks seem to be the best) and dedicate a set block of hours each week to sit down and self-teach. If you can take some courses either through a cultural center or a nearby university they can be extremely helpful, too.
At my house, though our official home language is English we frequently conduct our little daily conversations in Turkish. Our morning good morning call at work or our rundowns of the day when we get home are all done in Turkish. I may not know much vocabulary, but I get practice using everyday words in a variety of tenses. I also try to send little e-mails and notes to his friends and family every few days. Even though they all speak perfect English I make it a point to write them in Turkish, and, when I do, they usually respond in kind. I’ve picked up so many street words and text messaging text speak phrases from just this simple practice.
He is patient and understanding, which is key to successfully learning a new language. I speak (not including my native English) four other languages from varying levels from intermediate to near fluent and all were self-taught except for French and all were necessitated by the situation that my life put me in at the time.
It’s frustrating at first, but do not give up. Trust me, it can be done! (And THEN after you have a basic knowledge go back to that Rosetta Stone. Plus, it’s dang expensive to buy on a whim and end up using as a bookend when you find out that you feel the language too frustrating or hard to learn or are not going to have the dedication to sit down and study.)
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Are there any girls out there that are marrying a guy whose first language is not English? My fiancé speaks perfect English, as does his family, but for some reason whenever there are family dinners or holidays they all switch to Danish/Swedish.
FI tries to tell me what is being talked about but it is difficult because we are never seated next to each other during meals (very formal family by the way!) and his sister's husband, whose English is probably the worst, tries to include me sometimes, which I appreciate.
What hurts my feeling the most is his parents seem to make no effort to include me in the conversations. I know they will probably not change (they are just like that!) but I was wondering if anyone had any advice for coping with it and not letting it get to me...