Post # 1
So my boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. We live together and are very happy. We share the same computer and what I have noticed over the past few months is that the internet history gets deleted everytime I have been out without him and he’s home. To me it screams porn. We have spoken about porn before and he admits he isn’t the biggest fan especially when he’s in a relationship. I actually dislike it a lot but never told him because I just want him to feel like he can be open with me.
Its hard to assume it’s porn when he’s said he doesn’t really watch it. But its litreally every time I’m out. If it’s porn – why did he lie- and if it’s not – what is he hiding! It’s driving me insane. I feel insecure because if it is porn maybe I’m not enough? Once I left for 2 hours and came home and he had done it again. It’s bugging me but I feel like if I speak to him about it he will just lie, most men do.
Advice ice and opinions would be great.
Post # 2
I do not like porn. I tell my FI I do not like porn.
He openly admits that he enjoys porn, but it’s not that important to him.
You are enough. Maybe he knows that you don’t like it, because the general concensus is that women get upset when their partner watches porn. If it’s bugging you, ask him why his history is always clear. If he gets defensive, then you know that you need to work on communication with him.
Don’t ever let porn make you feel like you’re inadequate. I know that is easier said than done, but most times it is filling some weird fantasy for men that they would not want their actual partners to do for them. I have a ton of guy friends and they mostly say that they watch porn but would never want their GF/FI/Wife to do some of the things they see in the videos. It’s a really odd thing.
My opinion….just ask him. In a non-confrontational way. Say it just bugs you that things are hidden. But be prepared for him to ask why you even feel the need to look at the history. Start now with working on communication.
Post # 3
Ask him about it directly before assuming. Does he know you’re going through his history? Admittedly I have no issues if my husband watches porn, so my perspective is different from yours , but realistically the vast majority of men partake and it really doesnt have anything to do with their satisfaction in their own sex lives. its not personal. Men can differentiate between fantasy and reality.
Post # 4
TheBear07: I agree with PP – ask him what’s going on. Try and set up a chat in a relaxed setting and tread as gently as possible. You want it to be more of a discussion and a heart-to-heart than an argument, otherwise neither of you will feel any better or learn anything.
It’s totally fine to not like porn yourself, but the reality is that men and women are often wired pretty differently and it probably means something different to him than it would to you. A lot of men won’t admit to liking it because they feel embarrassed or don’t want to make their partners feel uncomfortable, but at the end of the day it’s the minority who aren’t interested in it to some extent.
If your boyfriend is looking up porn online, it most likely has no reflection on you or your relationship, what so ever. That said, if it really makes you uncomfortable, then it’s something you need to talk about and work out. If nothing else, you need a chat in order to put your mind at ease that this is why the internet history is getting cleared. Just keep in mind that it’s a pretty common situation, and that your partner may be more shy about it than you’d expect.
Good luck, OP. Remember to keep an open mind and take some time to digest whatever you learn from your talk. I hope you and your boyfriend are able to have an open and honest discussion that comforts you both.
Post # 5
I compulsively delete my internet history. Always have. I guess it’s the thought that if I got into a car accident and family members were going through my phone or computer, I wouldn’t want them to know all the personal stuff I do on the internet (weddingbee for instance). I would be majorly miffed if my husband not only checked my internet history but also requested I not delete it.
Post # 6
TheBear07: If you have a problem with porn, why not just say that when you talked about porn? Now you don’t really have a leg to stand on if it turns out he was watching porn, because you never told him how much it bothered you. Furthermore, this sounds more like a problem with your low self-esteem than anything else. Maybe you need to address that so that you don’t feel like you have to police his activities. If he is watching porn, it has nothing to do with you.
Post # 7
Have you thought maybe he’s looking at rings, and that’s why he deletes it? Of course, porn is very likely as well.
Post # 8
I got called out for doing that when we were dating… And it was because I didn’t want him to see I was on the weddingbee waiting boards!! Maybe he’s looking for a ring.
Unless you sense he’s truly up to something sinister- Craigslist hook up, cheaters site etc I would just leave it be.
Post # 9
The thing that struck me most about your post was the part near the end “he’ll probably just lie, most men do”.
No, actually, they don’t. Why are you even with someone when you automatically assume they will lie to you?
Post # 10
“He admits he isn’t a big fan of it, especially when he’s in a relationship.” Sorry, I chuckled at that a little bit. Oldest line on the book. How old are you and your boyfriend? The reality is, most guys look at porn. A lot of women look at porn. Some couples watch together. It doesn’t mean you aren’t enough for him or that you’re inadequate in some way. The questions you have to ask yourself are 1) has it affected your relationship and sex life and 2) why haven’t you been honest with your bf about how you feel about it? And why are you snooping through his internet history?
Post # 11
Difficult situation… I would be suspicious as well.
Because you share a computer it is extremely easy to bring up the conversation. Just start with “Honey, the other day I came across a site that I wanted to look at again, but couldn’t remember the url. I went and looked for it in the browser’s history, but noticed that it was wiped. Did you perhaps clear it, and is there a reason for that?”
And hopefully the PPs are right in saying that he could’ve looked at rings?
Just FYI, for the other bees always clearing history – All major browsers have a feature called private/incognito mode. On Chrome for example, just hold the Ctrl-Shift-N keys to open an incognito window. When in that mode, no history is saved.
Post # 12
It’s probably porn. He lied and isn’t open because he can tell you don’t like it. Personally I don’t find oorn to be a big deal, so I wouldn’t worry about it.
Post # 13
Many years ago, my FI made a big show of hiding the computer from me. I had walked in the room and he slammed it shut. I asked what was on it and he wouldn’t say and asked me to just drop it. I wouldn’t because he seemed so anxious, my mind was going to all sorts of places, wondering what the hell he was hiding.
I finally convinced him to let me look and it was just porn. He had gone to great lengths to hide it to avoid another fight about porn. I used to be very stubborn and adamantly opposed to porn. Then, I had to just let it go. It’s not like he’s addicted or watches it all the time. I’d just catch him one way or another once or twice a year and apply too much meaning to why he was watching porn.
I’m not telling you how to feel. I’m just saying it’s easier to just accept it, as long as he isn’t addicted and it isn’t affecting your sex life.
Post # 14
Shady as fuck.
I would ask my guy why his history is always cleared when you go to use his computer? Try and say you went to visit somegirlywebsite.com that you usually do and it was no longer in the history. Weird huh…
and if it is porn, I’d get over it. All men have watched or will watch porn.
Post # 15
How do you know he just didn’t use the internet during that short period of time?