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I'm very sorry to hear that your mom isn't supportive of your relationship. I'm not in an interracial relationship so I can't give advice but I did just read a great article in this months Cosmo about Interracial Couples and some of the hardships that they went/are going through. Might be good to pick up the mag and take a look.
All I can say is hang in there. Your mom should be happy you found someone that you love and loves you and want to share your lives together.
Hey....
You know it makes me so mad that you're going this! I mean I'm not going through the situation that you're going through now..but I do know what its like because that same stuff happens in my family as well. Let me just say this....do what maks you and your fiance HAPPY. If your mom is against it and some of your family members or his is against it....OH WELL! Because you know what...they are missing the point! Your folks should be happy that you found love and someone that you want to spend the rest of your life with...and not be looking at color or the fact that he may not be their ideal son-in-law! Honey people are always going to talk no matter what it is...so don't even stress yourself over that. I know you want your mom to be on board with the wedding and I know it hurts....I understand what you're going through. I had to tell my friend that if her mom won't accept her fiance because of his color (being black)...then how in the world is she going to accept you and your future kids? Sometimes people need a wake up call in order to get it together. And since your mom still wants nothing to do with him but still going to attend the wedding....personally I'd tell her stay home because you don't need that type of negativity on your wedding day about the man you love!
But talk wth your fiance tonight...make a decision but remember to do what's best for the both of you. Its your wedding and I want the both of you to be happy! I do hope that your mom will have a change of heart and hope that things work out for you. If you ever need to talk feel free to send me a message if you want.
Hang in there girl...I know its tough but you're going to get through it!
I'm so sorry to hear about your family's "problem." I feel fortunate that my family and my FI's family are both happy with our union but I am very familiar with racist and biggoted family members.
I'm from a corsscultural family (American-English-Japanese) and so is my FI (Turkish-Japanese). When my mother was getting married to my dad, her family was happy with the union (my mother is Euro-American) but my father's mother (Japanese) wasn't so happy, even though her husband/my grandfather is mixed too (English-Japanese raised in Russia).
I think that you need to do what you feel is right when it comes to your wedding day. You should say to your mother that you found the person you are supposed to be with, that you love him and that your wedding day is your day to celebrate it with family members and loved ones. If she can be happy for you and be pleasant and help you with the process, you would love that but if she isn't then you woud be deeply hurt. Also, tell her you want her to be a part of the celebration, and that you know she has a bigger heart than she is showing you right now. That she raised a daughter who fell in love with someone despite his skin color but for his substance and his personality. If she's still fussy after that, then I think you and your FI should talk about having a smaller wedding or maybe even a wedding away from all the drama.
Personally, I'm not inviting some members of my family to my wedding because they won't add to the happiness of the day. For example, my mother's husband has betrayed my trust (and also he's biggoted) so I don't want him at my wedding or anywhere close to my event site. I'm happy with that decision and feel a clearn conscious because I want to be happy that day and not have someone making snide remakrs about me and my FI, or make anyone else feel uncomfortable.
There are many online yahoo groups that are for people in mixed relationships and it might help to talk to some ladies in one of those groups. Also, to connect with other mixed couples you might want to check out www.lovingday.org - there's a section of the website dedicated to mixed couples and the organization is named after Loving vs Virignia, the court case that made interracial marriages legal in the US.
Do you think there is hope that your family will turn around? Or is it utterly beyond hope...
I am half Japanese and my Korean FIL had many good reasons he did not like Japanese (because of the war)... Bee blogged a bit about my first meeting with him here:
http://www.weddingbee.com/2009/02/18/the-story-of-mr-and-mrs-bee-part-3/
I figured I would give him 10 years to come around... but actually, it took a lot less than that! Which was a relief, because if it had been beyond hope that he would ever come around... we would've had to make some really hard decisions as a couple.
Good luck!!
I'm so very sad that you are going through this :( I'm Canadian (Scottish-German background) and FI is Korean. We live in Korea where interracial or even intercultural relationships are much less common and much less welcome than in my Canadian experience. FILs were quite upset when they finally found out about me (3 years into our relationship - I was a 'secret' to them until then). It took a while for FI to convince them that he wasn't changing his mind and was not giving up on our relationship. They finally agreed to meet me, and the situation has been good ever since. I know a ton of relationships which have been derailed here by inlaws - but in those cases only because one person in the relationship cares more about what their parents think than keeping their romantic relationship.) However, every single interracial marriage I know here started off with family drama but eventually subsided (in one case, my friend's father refused to talk to her for a year after he found out she was dating a British guy..and they lived in the same house!!! But eventually he came around and paid for her whole wedding). I think it helps to know that you aren't alone and there are many casese which look hopeless but have turned out for the good.
On your wedding day I hope you can surround yourself with people who support you in your relationship, and I hope that over time your mother can see your committment and accept your FI and your marriage.
Oh wow. I'm so sorry to hear you are having to go through all that. We are an interracial couple (I'm white; he's black) and we have had our share of difficulty. My family wasn't on board for a while, but once they got to know him as a person, they fell in love with him. Seriously. It is an absolutely miracle what has happened in their relationship. My husband and my mom will talk on the phone at random times, just because! A few years ago, I wouldn't have even dared to dream that would ever happen!
This is easy to say, but hard to hear - be patient with your family. Give them time. I know it feels like it's already been a long time, but let them go at their pace. They may not be okay with it before you get married. But hopefully someday they will be.
We had one guest say he didn't even want an invitation after he saw our save-the-date with our picture on it. He is THAT against interracial marriages. But we just brushed it off and moved on. I know it is a lot more difficult when it is someone like your mom saying hurtful things.
My heart goes out to you...I hope the situation improves soon!
I just realized you and I have talked about this before. Once I saw Des Moines, I said, "Hey, wait a minute...". :)
You know my story, and know that it has worked out. I'm praying yours does too!
I am in an interracial relationships but we are very lucky to have very supportive families. I am really sorry that you are going through this and it truly is unfortunate that your mother can't see past a books cover. I pray that she will come around and that you will be able to have her attend your special day. If she doesn't don't feel guilty if you did everything you could.
Hi!!
Oh my word how my heart goes out for you and your whole family drama! I too am a white girl "making a mistake getting married to a black man" - to quote the world's greatest mother!
My FI and I have been together for three and a half years and I love him more and more every day - espically since my family is chaulk full of crazy and they have made it crystal clear to him, to his face, that he is not a welcome addition to our family. So much so that I have not seen or spoken to my mother since Mother's Day of last year.
I had a really hard time as my family was really close. We are a small family and we got together at least once a month and my mom and I were really close at one time and to top it off my cousin was my best friend.
Once they realized that I was not going to change my mind based on the color of his skin, they tried to bring up things that were so not an issue. They tried to tell me that if I chose to marry him they would not be there and that they would not support me or give me their blessing.
When that didn't work, my cousin chose to dig the knife a little deeper and tell me that my grandparents would never have approved of him (both of my grandparents are gone) and that if I ever really loved them I would not choose to marry my FI.
People, even families, get ugly and crazy when they don't "win".
I have had people tell me that they will all come around at some point and embrace him and love him like I do, but after 3 1/2 years, I'm not thinking that is going to happen.
The BEST advice I was ever given was to expect that they will NEVER accept our relationship, they will NEVER come around, they will NEVER get over his skin color. Once I was able to HONESTLY realize that, and get over the hope that one day they WOULD change, I was able to move on and continue with my life.
I'm 34 and he is 36 and we are planning on having at least on child in the next few years. I find it very sad that my mother and other memebers of my family will never know any children we do have because of their issues. It also sucks because I have a 13-year-old and she doesn't see any of the members of our family either.
All I have to say is that if you love him and he loves you, it is enough. It really and honestly is.
I am not inviting my mother or my aunts or cousin to the wedding. I will send out an announcement after the fact but that will be it.
Yes, it sucks more then anything in the world can suck.
Yes, every girl dreams that her wedding day she will be surrounded by their family, to include their mothers.
Yes, it is NOT how you pictured your day to be.
BUT...
You are going to marry the man who makes you happy and above all, and I speak as a mother, a mother should want her child to be happy above and beyond anything else.
I will leave you with this...
I LOVE the movie Steel Magnoilas and I really love the scene where Shelby tells her momma that she is pregnant and M'Lynn gets all pissy and Shelby asks her what she always said when the kids were growing up. M'Lynn answers that she just wanted them to be happy, and Shelby tells her that having a baby would make her happy.
If you haven't seen the movie or haven't seen it in a while, watch it. You will see that while family is family is great, but friends are better.
I really do hope your mom gets over her issues!
Let me know if you need any support!
I'm totally here for you!!
When is the big day??
Do you have your dress?
Are you at least having fun planning regardless of the drama?
Please say yes, because it should be fun and exciting!!
i agree with many other bees here - what's the most important thing to you? i know it's a really horrible position to be in to choose between your SO and your family. but if they are not supportive of you two solely because they believe you shouldn't date someone of another race, it's probably a good idea to move on. i am fortunate that my mom and the future in-laws have been 99% supportive of us practically from the beginning. other members of my extended family have been more subtle about their, shall we say, disappointment that i didn't end up with an african american guy (my FH is white, blond haired and blue-eyed to boot!). but at the end of the day, everyone realizes it's our ultimate happiness together that truly matters, and if i'm still happy with this guy after 4 years, and he's not stealing my money or beating me, he's gotta be a least a decent guy :)
i have faith that some hearts will be overturned in the years to come. but i say live happily ever after, and if your families eventually get on board - great! if not, try not to let it eat away at the beautiful thing you guys have going!
To everyone who has offered their thoughts and suggestions, I truly thank you!
It's a struggle, but I'm comforted by the fact that so many people share our beliefs and so few have been able to relate!
We'll get through this and I thank you all for your kind words and love. When the negative attitude comes from your own parents, it's just hard, you know?
Best wishes to you all!
And August15Bride--I hope you and your family are doing well. It was fun to follow your blog during your wedding planning. =}
Many Thanks!
Oh, and the wedding is on as planned. No changing our plans because of this! =)
I'm late to the party as usual- damn crazy work week! Anyway I just want to offer my support and sympathize with you on the whole unsupportive family! F Stripes and I are going through it too and well, there's no making it sound pretty, because it sucks!
I'm so happy that you guys are sticking to your guns and going forward as planned and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that your family comes around too.
I think the only way to create the world we want to live in is to live and love boldly and openly and hope that by our example peeps (including our own families) will eventually come around!
:)
Ohh, I totally know how you feel. Well, sort of. I hope you managed to sort it out. I'm glad that your mum will at least turn up and that you had the courage to tell her.
My post is somewhat similar, but you've come much further than I have http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/dead-scared-to-tell-anyone
I wish you all the best and hope you have a wonderful wedding day.
WOW I'm so sorry to hear that. I am in an interracial relationship as well. My family is mixed and he is dutch and armenian. My family loves him and told him he is part of the family now. His family has embraced me as well, but where I am getting it is at work to quote my boss she said once that she did not like interracial relationships. I think people fear what they don't know or are given misinformation about. I think in time people come to see that human beings are human beings no matter what their color. It's hard, but if you love each other you will make it through and everyone will come around. Just love each other fiercely no matter what!
I'm glad to hear you decided to keep your plans - despite your mom! I've been fortunate that both of our families have been pretty open to our relationshp (I'm caucasian and my FI is African American). I hope as your mom comes around!
Interacial couple here, too! I am Indian and FI is white. My sister was also in the same situation and it took our family LONG time to come around. My parents were SO hurt and angry but in the end they realized we would go forward with or without them. Honestly, it's all about getting to that mindset where you stop trying to worry about their feelings, and get on with your life. After 3 tries, I finally stood up for myself and told my parents I was getting married in July. Of course, it was a lot easier because they went through it once with my sister, and they are surprisingly stepping up. A lot of it is culture too, like they have to be involved in the wedding or "it looks bad'. Whatever their reasons, I am just glad they are (hesitantly) on board! Luckily, his family has loved me from Day 1, which made things a lot easier that we were accepted in at least one family. If both families were against it I don't know what I would have done.
do what's best for you and that's that.
we're white and my sister married a black man. His mom loved it (she's one of these people who hates her own culture and complains my niece is always "too dark" in the summer) and my parents were not keen. My dad even went so far to say that he wasn't going to the wedding. In the end, he and my mom realized if they didn't participate, they would lose a daughter, so they came to the wedding.
Things are great now, and really, do you want the negativity in your life when you're happy? I know they are your parents, but they need to realize your happiness matters too.
On another note, my mother married someone of the same colour, culture and faith when she married my dad, and my grandmother had a problem with my mom until the day she died. Did that matter? No..because my dad was happy. Yes, it hurt him that she couldn't accept my mom, but his happiness is the only thing that should have mattered.
Parents get over things.
I am not; but one of my bms is! She is asian and the guy is black and they are set to be married next spring. Her family has already disowned their future kids because she would be "soiling their bloodline" by putting some black into the mix. If feel so bad for him- they refer to him as "black face" "piece of coal", etc... Her family has almost torn them apart, but at least for now the wedding seems to still be on track!
I'm white-guy is Indian. His family is perfectly accepting (We got married in India in Nov. and they couldn't have been any more wonderful and accepting). Problem is with my father and stepmother. (My mom is great and loves him). My stepmother said horrible, nasty things on the phone when we were first dating over 2 years ago about India, Indians, etc. and had NEVER even met him yet. She called the next day to apologize but said, "I'm sorry, I didn't realize you had such strong feelings for this man..sorry, I read these things from a magazine.." Most ridiculous and outrageous apology (and non-heart felt) I've ever heard. My father and step-mother will not be at our 2nd wedding in five weeks. I do NOT need people in my life, family included, who are racist, un-supportive, etc. Life is too short! I hope any of you having these problems can work it out! I've decided that no good will come from this and I choose not to have them at the wedding.
I'm Dominican and Catholic and my FI is white and Jewish. My family was super excepting but his wasn't. The FMIL would say things to him that he didn't agree with, but would then would repeat them to me not knowing it would hurt my feelings. She tried a million times to break us up. It's been 4 years and we have been through a lot with her. Even though we are getting married in 2 months I still feel as though she isn't 100% accepting, but it doesn't bother me as much as it did before. It's sad when families aren't supportive of their children, and I'm very sorry to hear that your mother isn't supportive in your marriage. If your FI truely makes you happy then go for it and hopefully your mother will change how she feels down the road. Best of luck. :)
I'm in an interracial marriage, we were long distance me from America and I am Asian, he's is English from England, the dad was a bit leery because we were long distance and didnt think we knew each other well enough to get married and raised doubts,my hubby was steadfast and followed his intuiton there was no keeping us apart any longer
we still get the occasional stares here in England,in Northwest England where interracial couplings are a bit rare especially Asian-Caucasian (Asians linked to caucasians are considered money grubbingor class climbing,it's frowned upon), but in the end you have to listen to your heart; sure it's hard and it's a gamble,but for us we trusted our guts and our hearts and didnt listen to anyone; my family had doubts not so much for the race but because we had been long distance as in intercontinental,families just care about you but in the end it is your decision and you must make your own path in life;if your parents raised you well and did their job you are now at the stage to make your own decisions even if that means going against family wishes to wed the person you love
AS you may see from my photo, my fiance is white and I am black. My family generally loves him but I have come across some pretty disheartening stereotypes, however thats something we've had to approach in stride. I have a step father who constantly refers to him as "her friend" not acknowledging we are going to soon be married. He often expresses his desire for me to marry some nice rich and successful lack ball player... It will be a COLD DAY IN H*LL! I have nothing against anyone of any race... But it was written in the stars for me and my love to be together and I wouldn't have it any other way... I often get typecast as I am sure you have experienced. But its been 4 years now and we are happy and very much ready to be married. Congrats on your engagement, and dont let anyone take your joy, not even your mother.... SHe should be grateful you are with some successful white man that just happens to beat you every chance he gets....If she'd rather have it that way.... well then thats just sad. We can't choose the ones we love
Maybe it's just my family and the environment that I grew up in...but I honestly CANNOT BELIEVE that shit like this still goes down. (And by that I mean people having a problem with interracial/GLBTTQ/etc. marriages.) What the HELL does it matter what colour someone's skin is (or their sexuality for that matter, but I realize that's a bit more of a recent issue)?! I just...seriously, I can't believe it. I'm so glad to hear that you're going along with your original wedding plans, midwestelle. I really really hope your folks come around. : )
I am having similar problems. I would love some advice from ppl who have been through this on how to handle the wedding preparations with hesitant family members.
http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/family-not-happy-with-my-engagement
so glad to hear you are still planning to get hitched! seriously, it will be such an amazing experience for you and the friends and family that *do* support you! i'm not saying that you should be too overly optimistic, but somehow proving that you love and are willing to stick by someone no matter what seems to inspire people to get over their own selfishness. i hope the dissenters soon pick up the "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em" spirit!
@lwilliams - omg i have totally been there!! it's like every black guy i met my mom would be like "oh what happened to so and so??".... yeah.... and my godfather refuses to refer to my FH as such... he still says "your significan other" or "your friend" and i'm like helllooooo - ring on finger = getting married!!!
@jenniphyr - don't eeeeven get me started on LGBT marriages and people taking issue with them. it's 2011 people. get over yourselves! a marriage is not defined by the nature of the two individual people getting married - it is defined by the commitment they are making to each other. and seriously, this world could use a big, healthy dose of commitment!!
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Anyone having trouble because your or your fiance's family disagrees with the color of your/your fiance's skin? I'm going through that right now. My mom is very against us getting married because we're a black/white couple (I'm white.)
We've been together three years and it's only getting worse. This sort of thing is really threatening to ruin my wedding day (which my mom wants nothing to do with, but will still attend.) Today she said a few particularly nasty things and my fiance and I are going to discuss changing our wedding plans this evening. (severely scaling down--and not inviting my folks.)
Have any of you dealt with this? I would love to connect, either on the boards or off.
Thanks in advance.