Post # 1
So Friday night, I had a few too many (this is rare for me, maybe once every couple of months.. and this time, it was also totally unplanned!)… The boy and I got into it about something really stupid (he’d had a few as well), and it escalated from there.. and he told me “I knew you would get like this, you always get like this when you drink” UH, EXCUSE ME??? That was probably the second time (maybe first, b/c I seriously can’t recall another time) I’ve cried and gotten upset when I got drunk with him…. We always have a great time together, I remember many of those! That set me off, big time. I told him “You don’t even give me a chance — you think I’m a horrible person and you have it set in your mind and I can never ever be good” well then I start crying.. then I go outside, sit in the rocking chair on the front porch and BAWL.
All I could think of is how crappy I feel about myself and us right now… It’s not fair of him to let me get so excited about getting engaged (he’s promised a proposal deadlne twice) and then getting married, and WHAM, smack in the face, a year later and nothing has happened and he gets pissy when I talk about it. I have had his wedding ring in my drawer for over 6 months. I would have asked him to marry me so long ago — and I just don’t get it. I really don’t get it, and I just broke down. I feel like I’ve done something wrong.. what made him SO ready a year ago at this time and not now? Sometimes, I feel like with him I lose the race before it even begins. I swear he has this image in his head of me that’s negative and wedding-obsessed. Since that night, I’ve tried to put it behind me, but it keeps haunting me. I haven’t talked to him about it, I do not want to open that can of worms.. It just sucks :/ It’s hard to talk and talk and get so hyped up and then nothing happens. I feel like it’s changed me. I just thought we’d be in such a different place right now.
I’ve told him all of this in an email and we’ve had talks about it, but it never makes me feel any better. Really, at this point, not much can. What’s done is done… he was once as excited as I was, it didn’t happen, and now his excitment has 110% disappeared. I hope it will come again, but it’s very hard wondering about it.
He tells me, “why can’t we just be us?” And I try to explain we have been us! We have a collage on the wall full of pictures and memories — and book I made him full of adventures and such of our first year together.. we planted a garden, we got another dog, took a vacation. I feel like I got obsessed with weddings for about two months and it scared the crap out of him and now here we are. I have no answers and it is hard for me to just “grin and bear it”.
Post # 3
I’m so sorry you are upset. I can just speak from personal experience and tell you this: Your man will want to marry you, period. Forcing the issue is a waste of energy on your part and it only makes you more vulnerable. If a man dosen’t want to marry you, he won’t propose. Is there any reason whatsoever that you can think of that is holding him back now? Finances, etc?
Post # 4
I am sorry that happened and that you are feeling crappy 🙁 I am the queen of getting drunk and making scenes, and have had my bouts of wedding obsession – luckily my BF takes it in stride most of the time 😉 To echo the poster above, is there any reason holding him back now? Have you talked about it and can he pinpoint something concrete about why he does not want to get married now, or is it “just because”?
How long have you guys been together? For me, I just got to a point a couple months ago where I was like “look…I love you…we’ve been together for almost three years and I think both of us should know by now if we can see this, or want this to, last long term. You are very important to me but marriage and thinking about next steps to forming a family are also important to me. I want those things with you, but if you don’t want them with me anytime relatively soon, then we need to think about if this relationship is the right thing.” I didn’t give an ultimatum, but I made it clear that if we weren’t on the same page about such a big thing, we probably both needed to move forward with our lives, separately, and find someone who was on the same page w/us. It wasn’t easy accepting the fact that it might have been in the end, but I don’t think it’s wrong to want what you want and be willing to ask for it and seek it out and find someone who wants it too…or be willing to compromise on something comfortable for both and stick to it. When one person is just like, no, and refuses to talk about it, or doesn’t stick to promises or timelines made, that is a problem….
I hope you and your sweety can figure things out…hugs
Post # 5
My husband thought I was wedding obsessed too, which really I was. I forced the issue non-stop and so did our friends.. no one could understand why we weren’t married when we had a child together, and frankly, I couldn’t either! So finally I told everyone to cool it, and not to bring it up anymore and I also let it go. That was a year ago exactly…
Then 3 months later he surprised me one day and took me ring shopping and he made the leap… in a jewelry store! He got down on one knee and said, and I quote, “Jamie.. I want you to have the ring and wedding of your dreams because you are the woman of my dreams… I promise to love you even while you are a bridezilla- please marry me!?” and then he put the perfect ring that I had picked out on my finger, and we both cried out of happiness. People were literally taking pictures… it was amazing!
It was PERFECT. You just have to let it go for a while and focus on other things in your life that are important. It is normal to have breakdowns every once in a while because it is something that you as a woman wants SO much.. however, when men feel pressured they freak. It will happen when it is meant to (I’m sure you’re sick of hearing this but it’s true!) and when it does, all the hard times and waiting won’t matter anymore because you will have what you really wanted all along… the perfect man asking YOU to be his wife!
Post # 6
@gocubbies: I hope you are feeling better, did he at least come outside to comfort you when you were crying? What bothers me is the “Why can’t we be us? like you said we are being us, you just want the us to move forward. He sounds like he is satisfied with how your relationship is and clearly you are not. Are you willing to wait for him to come around? How long are you willing to wait?
I see nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. If you are willing to wait express that to him, if you have a time frame express that to him. Everyone has expectations and if your SO is not meeting those expectations then let him know.
Post # 7
Thank you so much for your responses 🙂
@DannysGirl: Oh absolutely… there is definitely something, and I should have mentioned this before. #1 is where he’s at with his career. His mom and I actually have talked in depth about this! He had a great job, but the company got bought out and he went from making 60K to driving a truck (which he hates) and making less than 20K.. He’s trying to get into the electrical union.. This is the last year he’s gonna try, if that doesn’t pan out (we will know in April), we are considering moving cross country for him to go to a specialized school. I really think that next year, things will be a lot different w/ his career path. His mom said his dad was just like that and wants to feel like he’s established himself and is “worthy” of being a husband before he asks.
He’s told me before “I want to marry you, it’ll happen” so I know deep down it’s not 100% ME but it sure feels like it sometimes.
@maggierose: And to answer other questions.. we’ve been together for a year and a half, so not that long in the scheme of things. We just decided about 3-4 months into our relationship we knew we wanted to get married, so it was exciting and amazing, and that has totally worn off. I love him to death, and I know we’re not in the “honeymoon” phase anymore, so I know I need to let things take their course. Also — GOOD FOR YOU on telling him exactly how you feel. I know that if we’re still not engaged at the 3 year mark, that conversation will definitely happen.
@jamiemichelle: What an amazing story!!!! Congrats to you two! I know my time will come 🙂 But as you said, it’s just hard to deal with right now… Patience is definitely a virtue 🙂
Post # 8
@7mom: I honestly don’t think he had a clue I was as emotionally wrecked as I was, lol. In my drunken state, I actually brought a book with me outside b/c I wanted to “cool off” so I’m sure he assumed I was reading (which I did, for about 5-10 min!) But also, you are absolutely right, he is totally “comfortable” with where we are right now, and he’s told me that numerous times. ‘we’re together, we’ll be together, we know that, why do we need to get married?’ BOYS! haha, I think a lot of them get comfortable w/ cohabitating and don’t see the need to change anything. UGH. All the benefits without the comittment!!! At the 3 year mark (halfway there!) I am really going to reevaluate us and our relationship if we are not engaged by then. I think that after 3 years, there is nothing “new” to learn about anyone, you should know if you see a future or not.