Post # 1
So, I’m 20 (21 in January). FI of 1 month tomorrow (insert squeal) is 23 next month. We’ve known each other years but over the last year just got together. I love/adore him more than anything but can’t help feeling this engagement has happened for the wrong reasons/has taken the wrong course – however I may also just be getting cold feet at the thought of moving (I’m Australian currently in NY). But I need to get it off my chest…
He asked me to marry him (I feel) under the wrong circumstances. We’d been talking about it a while, were going out to dinner one night and his dad turns around saying “If you don’t ask her tonight I’m just going to ask her for you”. He asked that night… I bought that up with hime ‘last’ night, he (rightfully so, I suppose) got defensive saying “his dad doesn’t control him”. But still..
AND with a ring five sizes too big… (I’m a 5, 5 1/2 max, he got a 10 for some reason – probably assuming could be resized?)
Naturally I was thrilled at the time (still am. of course!) We get into the light – it’s a (wait for it) $20 (inc postage) FASHION ring. He got a size 7 (that’s the ‘smallest’ the ‘jewler’ who is in China) stocked). It can’t be sized because it’s gold plated, or one of the new ‘phases’ or something. His reply was “It was the first I found before our trip to Oklahoma” which I think was what put me on this thought process. That hurt, a lot.
Now I’m a rather proud, pain in the rear. I hate accepting help, and hav made it perfectly clear to him that if we can’t afford something I’d rather compromise (So far it’s a just over $5k wedding). I spend a lot of time with his dad’s girlfriend, who offered to lend me her dress from when she got married. I politely declined, I’m superstitious and a dress that was worn for a wedding that ended in divorce is in my mind a no-no?. But then last week in the car with her I start getting the “If I was getting married again, in this day and age not to mention economy I would skip the wedding and just go on the honey moon”. As well as his dad saying along the same lines, and it’s really put a downer on my enthusiasm to plan.
I also feel like a shit daughter. My mother doesn’t know yet, my father passed a few years ago but being traditional (and I’ve mentioned it) I’d have loved at least my mother to give him her blessing/have him ask her for my hand. He’s had two opportunities with us all on Skype where he hasn’t, I’m thinking I’ll just tell her this week…
So there’s my rant. I had been brimming with planning, bridal magazines and the rest, but after all that, being told multiple times in two weeks the church I adore is haunted (petrified of supernatural) I just needed a vent…. But usually I’m rather bubbly!! Sorry all :/
Post # 3
CONGRATS and Welcome to the Hive! Can’t wait to see what you plan, have fun with it. Have you checked out the DIY wedding stuff on Pinterest yet?
If you ever need $$$ saving ideas, the Bees are full of them! I can honestly say that my inexpensive wedding would not have happened without them.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
It’s good to get it all out! I don’t think you should be upset about the “circumstances” of the proposal, but if you want a new ring, you should be able to find a nice one on whatever budget you set. I would talk to him about it if it bothers you.
If you’re planning a wedding, I would tell your mother right away. I would be very hurt if I were her and found out
Post # 5
I definately plan on telling her, I go back there in less than a month (3 month holiday visa) but had sort of hoped he’d ask her permission and I could break it to her in person rather than over the phone, I don’t want to raise too much issue as it’s his mother’s passing anniversary today, but the whole thing is really hurting. I only just decided I want to move here instead of him to Aust, and not sure if it’s the negative feedback from everyone in the house or my possibly cold feet and previous issues with my own mentality that’s making this hurt so much 🙁 I’ve even let his dad talk me down so much that I’d told FI that I don’t want a wedding “let’s go to the court house instead”.
OH and on Oklahoma trip his ex sends him a text – we went bowling with a group of friends, and one of his former choices for a best man told FI’s ex?? so she ended up down the other end. A couple of texts were exchanged that ended in her saying “well when you two break up tell me”.
I’ve asked him a few times to make sure he isn’t settling for me, and I really have lost all enthusiasm for it, hoping it’s just a temper tantrum/stress… :/
Post # 6
Exs are always a PITA, just ignore all the emotional BS she will throw or it will make you crazy. Enjoy your planning and don’t let anyone take away the joy in that, because it is fun. You are planning your wedding, the beginning of a new life and you both deserve to enjoy it. When you need pick me ups in the process, come to the Bee, there is always someone here for that.
Chin up Lady
Post # 7
It the situation doesn’t feel right, it probably isn’t. Don’t marry this guy.
Post # 8
First of I suggest you research other gems besides diamonds, if you plan on replacing your ering.
I have a white sapphire which is a great stone, also moissanite is a wonderful alternative, or white topaz….on and on and on…So many choices. You don’t have to spend an arm and a leg on an ering.
Davids Bridal is a great place to look for a less expensive but still beautiful dress.
I’m an okie bride so if you plan to have your wedding in green country, I’d be happy to show you my list of vendors and venues. My wedding budget is about 5k including rings. So I got a lot of money saving ideas. =)
Congrats and welcome to the bee =)
Post # 9
Congrats. All I can say to you is to write everything down. Pro and Con that mess. If you are this stressed/worried/unsure- you need to find out what the root of the problem is so you can enter this fully ready.
It’s dangerous to start of the wobbly line of it could be cold feet OR this could be a huge mistake. We’re all here for you, and I hope you figure out what is best for you and yours.
Congrats on the engagement. I don’t have a traditional diamond ring either, but it’s perfect for me. Don’t sweat the small stuff, focus on sorting the big picture out!
Welcome to the hive!!
Post # 10
After reading your ring post and finding this one I’d have to say that if you have the money to spend thousands of dollars on trips to see this guy then you are probably in a great financial place in life. Him giving you a 8.50 which totalled out to 20 after postage and its not even a size you can wear seems rather inconsiderate. And like I imagined since you said its from China he did plan it ahead of time. I don’t know how he couldn’t have figured out that it wouldn’t be real gold. Did you have the stones in the ring checked out to see if they are real or if they are just glass?
I mean congrats on the proposal but if you have given up so much for this man and he in return pulled a stunt like this that just didn’t feel right to you then like PPs have said I think you have your answer. I would be furious if I were you. On the other hand you are young and have plenty of time in life to met a man who doesn’t live half a world away, and understands you enough to know he should ask for your mother’s blessing and that a gold filled ring will not last long and its definately something that you are not proud to come home and show off to your family.
I think you might want to take some time to yourself and really weigh the pros and cons. You have given up a lot for this man your dreams, your hard earned cash and your time for months on end far far away from your family. And in return you get a lukewarm proposal, with a half way decent piece of costume jewerly that you don’t feel okay with discussing with you mom. Your mom should be one of the first people you should be able to tell about something like this. And after being so considerate of him you would think he would take more than a few mere moments to pick out an enagement ring.
After you get things sorted out for yourself have a nice long chat with him about how you are feeling about all this. And welcome to the bee. There are always people here to lend you a helping hand.