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I have a very similar problem....We are only send the invites to those who you want to be there...but when you send out the invites we are going to send a save the date for the home reception to those not invited to the destination. I am not sure if this makes sense.
I would actually have the invitation be the announcement for the wedding (what we're doing).
We're doing a scheduled elopement in key west and are having a reception back here in Atlanta for family and friends.
We're having our invitation be more of an announcement per se, with wording similar to this.
We Joyfully announce the marriage of (do this formally not like I'm writing it here)
Ms. X
to
Mr. X
Saturday the 31st of July, 2010
location
Key West Florida
*Next we'll have an enclosure card for the reception inviting them to the hometown reception on August 7 and a separate enclosure card for travel and special events.
You might have to personally call those who you expect and wish to actually be at the wedding, but this way, people will not get offended if they aren't invited.
We sent out save the dates and invitations only to those people who were invited. We started spreading the word about the at-home reception a year in advance every time anyone asked about the wedding. If they asked if we set a date, we would tell them we were having a very small destination wedding "but it will be followed by a big reception" the following year.
I would skip sending an actual wedding invitation to the extended family. Someone is bound to misunderstand and the logistics of explaining why a person was sent an invite to something s/he shouldn't attend is just too dicey. Plus, why spend the money?
The better option, I think, is to go all out on your home-party invites.
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We're getting married in Hawaii and plan on having immediate family and very close friends coming. Our venue (which is also our vacation rental) will only allow up to 25 people on their property for the ceremony. So far, we have about 20 people coming for sure, but I come from a large family who will expect invitations, even though they know they probably won't go. How do I word our invites saying that the DW is for immediate family and close friends and that we will be having a home reception for all family and friends, without offending anyone?