Post # 1
Hi ladies and gents – first time posting, so thanks so much for your help.
My parents are footing the bill for wedding, with FI and I putting in what we can for smaller things (cake, favors, save the dates, and a few deposits here and there – getting close to $3500). Groom’s parents have offered to host rehearsal dinner. My parents are a little put off that there was no offer to assist with any reception costs – while of course they are happy to provide this wedding, and we understand that there is no obligation on anyone’s part, they just think it’s odd that the gesture wasn’t made. FI called them while I was away and asked if they had thought about/were willing to contribute towards any other costs. To say that the conversation went horribly is an understatement.
FMIL emailed us last week to tell us how to word the invitations. She said they should be worded: “Bride’s parents and Groom’s parents …. request the honor of your presence…. etc.” She says this is how it is always done, which I know is not at all the case.
I know my parents, mother especially, will not be ok with this. They are hosting their daughter’s wedding, and I feel that FMIL is hijacking this honor by insisting (demanding really) they be included on the host line.
FI, my parents and I discussed a few weeks back that “Bride’s parents request the honor of your presence at marriage of their daughter , Bride to Groom, SON OF Groom’s parents….” is both correct in terms of who is hosting, yet still honors the groom’s parents. Problem is that MIL is ‘hurt’ by everything, and I sense an impending tantrum over this.
I’d appreciate any advice, backing, whatever any of you may have over dealing with a difficult in law in this regard. How to approach her before invitations are ordered to let her know what we have chosen? Anyone had similar issues when wording the invitations? I honestly doon’t know who would be insulted by this wording… but I know somehow she’ll try to read into it. Thanks in advance!
Post # 3
I vote for white lie; “oops MIL, my mom already ordered the invites and I can’t change them, its so generous of them to pay for them I can’t ask for them to be reprinted!”
better for MIL to hold a grudge against your mom, who she will rarely see, than you…forever.
Post # 4
@edgebee: I wish that would work! She emailed knowing that my parents are coming into town to meet with the stationer this week…
Post # 5
@lolalulu_24: You might have to deal with a FMIL tantrum, but they aren’t hosting the wedding. Let her throw her tantrum. Invites will reflect your parents hosting. I’d also let FI deal with his mother! It’s not up for discussion. Your parents are hosting. End of story. (I love the ‘son of’ solution you came up with – it’s perfect.)
ETA: I wouldn’t offer wedding details up to FMIL as if it were a point for discussion (e.g. – this is how we were wording the invites – what do you think? vs. this is what the invites are going to look like – isn’t it great!) 🙂
Post # 6
@lolalulu_24: we are doing the son of route.
Just tell her as your parents are paying for them, this is how they will be done. End of story.
Post # 7
The way you are planning to word the invite is the way I would do it under these circumstances.
Create a rehearsal dinner invitation which clearly shows FIL as hosts.
Post # 8
Have this convo with the stationery and when everyone is altogether let the expert weigh on how to correctly word the invite- the way you want it.
Post # 9
@lolalulu_24: It is a common misconception that the person writing the check buys top billing on the invitation. One set of parents, both sets of parents, or the bride and groom can “host” the wedding and issue the invitations, regardless of who is or is not contributing financally to the wedding.
This is because “hosting” is not about who is writing the checks, it is about who is lending their name to the social event and ensuring the comfort of their guests. Many couples today will list all of the parents involved so that guests aren’t confused to receive an invitation from people they don’t know.
Long story short, neither of your parents are right or wrong. I personally think that the wording you proposed (“Bride’s parents request the honor of your presence at marriage of their daughter , Bride to Groom, SON OF Groom’s parents….”) is a good compromise, but I also see no harm in including your FILs on the host line if it’s really important to your fiance’s mom.
Your guests don’t care who is paying for the wedding and they won’t try to infer it from the wording on the invitation.
Post # 10
@lolalulu_24: That is really really tough situation 🙁 On one hand, his parents are helping out via the rehearsal dinner, which is perhaps all they can afford to do(??!!), so in some essence have assisted in the all-around event. On the other hand, your parents are paying for 95% of the bigger picture cost, and the most expensive cost!
I think, if it were me, as much as I would HATE having to do it all (because in a perfect world your FIL’s will be OK with how you guys want the invite worded, because you guys (your family) are paying for the invites), I would try to get your parents to understand the predicament you are facing, and appease the in-laws. It just seems the lesser of two evils, in my opinion.
Sure, your parents deserve the recognition, but I am guessing that is not why they chose to pay for the reception. They chose to pay as a gift to you and your FI. At the end of the day, it is a piece of paper, that no one really reads, throws away, and never thinks twice about…except for the intimate parties involved. I would rather make it something my mom and I laugh about down the road, rather than something your FMIL resents you for!
We had to make the choice to do “Together with our parents” at the top of our invites, even though FI and I are paying 100% of the total wedding costs. Again, appease the parents, knowing in the end, it will not ‘matter’!
Post # 11
@oracle: ” ETA: I wouldn’t offer wedding details up to FMIL as if it were a point for discussion (e.g. – this is how we were wording the invites – what do you think? vs. this is what the invites are going to look like – isn’t it great!) :)”
Good option there! She just put in her demand here though, we never offered any wording details – she’s basically setting an expectation that we will not be living up to!
Post # 12
@lolalulu_24: We used the “Bride’s parents request the honor of your presence at the marriage of their daughter, ME!!!!!! to FI!!!!!, son of groom’s parents” option. They are not paying for anything except the rehearsal dinner, but we still wanted them to feel included and honored.
Post # 13
@lolalulu_24: and that’s ok – she will do that the ENTIRE planning time! Get used to saying “Thanks for the idea!” and then smile, be grateful she wants to share her input and then make the decision you and FI want.
Post # 14
@merpitymerp: “This is because “hosting” is not about who is writing the checks, it is about who is lending their name to the social event and ensuring the comfort of their guests.”
I completely agree. However, it is my parents who are going out of their way, literally, to make this comfortable for all guests, especially groom’s family. They hired special transportation to make sure my FI’s great grandmother and other elderly relatives can comfortably get to the tent. If the transport wasn’t going to work, they were willing to forego the deposit and find another venue to make sure they’d be ok. From day one my parents have said “this is about your guests and treating them well” and they have gone above and beyond to make sure they are well-fed and hve a great time. That is hosting, not merely check writing.
Post # 15
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
“Sorry FMIL, but this is the traditional way of wording the invitation to reflect the traditional division of expenses, with the bride’s family paying for the wedding. Since we have been going the traditional route with my parents paying for the wedding, this is the wording that provides an accurate reflection. If you would like to contribute to reception expenses, then by all means we would be happy to add you as a host! And don’t worry- you will definitely be the host on the rehearsal dinner invitations!”
Post # 16
@lolalulu_24: The host(s) of the wedding issue the invitation. Your parents are hosting the wedding. It is traditional for the groom’s parent’s to host the rehearsal dinner. No special notice of this is required or necessary. Go ahead and order the invitations as you want them worded.
FMIL can get over herself! 😉