Invitation Dilemma– dealing with racism?

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
6953 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: October 2015

@SoonToBeSimmons:  I would talk to your friend and just be upfront. “Remember how your dad reacted when you were dating X? That makes me uncomfortable with the idea of him being at my wedding. We have decided not to invite FI’s cousin, who also doesn’t approve of interracial couples, but I don’t want to hurt you. What are your thoughts?” Hopefully as someone who has been in an interracial relationship and knows firsthand how her father can hurt with his screwed up beliefs, she will understand. 

Post # 4
394 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Would you feel comfortable directly talking to your friend about it?


“Hey, listen I know your dad seemed to have a problem with you being in an interracial relationship before….do you think that would be an issue for my wedding?”

edit- poster above beat me to it

Post # 5
3570 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@gromble:  +1 

I would bring it up with the friend first.

Also, WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!?!?!?!   DAMN i cannot believe people.  

Post # 6
37 posts
  • Wedding: September 2013

I TOTALLY relate to this, having just celebrated my own interracial marriage. I had no idea it was an issue but my grandparents on my father’s side, turns out, are both racist.

First, I was totally ashamed and had a chat with FI (now husband) about it. I apologized a bazillion times for my family members too.

Then, I chatted with my dad to get his take on their attitudes. His advice was to invite, but they wouldn’t come.

So, that’s what I did. For my own sense of doing what is right, I invited them – but we did invites that had our photo on them, so it was very, very clear that I was married someone of another race.

And nope, neither of them showed up or sent a gift. I think it is sad – but I love my husband and was grateful he wasn’t subjected to their ignorance.

Post # 7
403 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

Well, I would sit down and talk it over with your friend.  It may be that he was just that way because it was his own daughter at the time.  Hopefully, he wouldn’t be so rude and insensitive toward you and your beloved.

Anyway, I can relate.  My amazing FI is Puerto Rican.  He has never hit me, cheated on me, done anything illegal, and been nothing but respectful to my family.  However, one of my uncles doesn’t like him because he is Hispanic.  He claims it is because FI is disabled and can’t work (not his fault), but I know even if he were rich as Bill Gates it wouldn’t matter.  Suffice to say, money and race are an issue in my family, especially my father’s side.  Anyway, some of these people are not being invited to our wedding.  Why sit there in a church and pledge that you will support the couple if it’s a lie?  Weddings should be about love, not conflict.

Post # 8
9526 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: August 2013

Grrrr – Bigots make me want to go on a rampage! But at least it’s not your own friend or family. I would have an honest talk with your friend. She knows what happened with her dad. She may have already been thinking about this. I woudl tell her that while you love her, you can’t have someone that is racist at your wedding. You want people that are happy about your relationship. She should be completely understanding. And I would leave it at that.

Post # 9
2111 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I will say, it may not be as big an issue as you think. You aren’t his daughter. He probably doesn’t have strong feelings about who you’re marrying. It’s different when it’s your own child than their friend, even if you have known them for a long time. I imagine she’d grown up hearing about it to an extent. She may not have known how serious he was until it was an actuality. Imagine you raised your child to know that you would be upset if they ever dated a member of the opposing political party. This has come up, they are aware of your feelings, but end up going out with one anyways. Of course you’d be upset that they didn’t listen or abandoned the ideals they’d been raised with. They may say, But best friend’s dating one too! Do you care? Probably not.

I say talk to your friend and see what she thinks, but I don’t see it being a problem.

Post # 12
5248 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2013

@SoonToBeSimmons: I’m in an interracial couple and I would personally never invite anyone to my wedding who was a racist. My husband is muslim also which many people say negative things  about all the time so having such negativity at my weddin wouldnt not fly regardless if the people said anythign or not. Just knowing that your friends dad was there and disapproving your love the whole time would not be right! Dont invite him!!

Post # 13
2562 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

OK, I’m in an interracial relationship and I’d never invite someone who said something like that, expectations or not. Eff them! I wouldn’t even bother talking to them anymore after they said it, anyway.

If my friend asked I’d tell her your dad said this, it goes against my marriage (let alone common decency); therefore he’s not invited.

If your friend’s feelings are hurt over this (completely rational) reasoning, you’ve got to ask yourself why? She knew how it felt for her at the time when he said that, and for you, this is serious! It’s your wedding! What does she care if her totally racist father isn’t there?

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