Weddingbee boards

Hey girls,

Two issues here because of this:

The way price works for where I am having the ceremony and reception at is per person attending the RECEPTION, as it includes a 5 course meal or high end buffet with carving stations, etc., open bar for 5 hours, a 1 hour cocktail hour between ceremony and reception with h'oderves, and of course the actual rental space per person. The wedding ceremony has no limit as theres no cost per person for that.

1st. Problem: The number of guests for the reception has already exceeded the maximum amount of guests due to my budget. There are some friends and extended family I WANT to share the beautiful wedding ceremony with, but, am not willing to spend several hundreds of $ on to attend the reception, and go over my budget for. Some of these friends, however, are CLOSER friends with some BMs or some of my closer friends who I will be inviting to both, and they will find out I specifically didn't invite them to the reception. Or if not,the reception area/cocktail hour area after the wedding are a few hundred feet apart (ceremony outside, cocktail hour is outside, and you ended the ballroom from the outside door), they may just follow the rest and invite themself in!!

Is there any etiquette rules on inviting some people to just the wedding ceremony and not the reception? The invitations would just not include the RSVP card for the reception, and not have anything it in that mentions being invited to the reception? Or what should I put on my wedding website to "read your invitations carefully" or what?

2nd problem: Being that we have reached are limit, not everyone can bring a guest. I can't pick certain people who can bring a guest and who can't. The only thing I am thinking to write on the wedding website is that :

"We are sorry to inform you that because we have already exceeded our budget due to the amount of guests attending the reception, we politely ask that UNLESS, you are married, engaged, or the invitation specifies otherwise, you cannot bring a guest with you to the reception." 

Or something to that extend. 

I know some of my friends may bring their significant other as their guests - they've been with a month, and then after the wedding they break up within a week.  I'm sorry but I dont think it's right for me have people at my wedding I barely know because some people felt like "not showing up alone" or whatever the reason may be, when I'm ALREADY over budget.However, they can bring a guest to the wedding ceremony! I don't know how to do this?

Should I write that? And then for those who are cannot bring a guest put in their RSVP card already: "NUMBER OF PEOPLE ATTENDING WEDDING CEREMONY    " and then "NUMBER OF PEOPLE ATTENDING WEDDING RECEPTION 1 "?

What's proper? Suggestions?

I agree with other posters that it is a bad idea to invite guests to only the reception. If I were a guest, I'd actually feel some combination of confused and insulted by the end of the wedding. Confused because I would likely initially assume that you simply forgot to add a reception card to my invite (and mistakes happen). However, once I found out that other people were invited to a reception and I was not, I'd feel a bit insulted that I didn't make the cut. It would certainly strain the friendship if a friend did this to me.

I can understand the desire to share with everyone, but it might be better to simply share photos with the people you cannot invite after the date. And for guests, including only the names of the people who are invited on the invites may help to spell out exactly who is invited.

I guess I should have mentioned this in the 1st message.  My guest list has been cut back by over 350 people.  My mother is Italian, my dad is Jewish, and my fiance is Greek, thus, our imidiate families alone are all HUGE with a half in the states, half in Europe! I don't mean family like the 3rd cousins I've never met type member because my family in the states are super close!  I see 26 1st cousin's on my mother's side on a monthly basis, not to mention my each aunt and each uncle! I mean, we already had to cut some IMMEDIATE FAMILY (less close with, and aren't local). 

Put it this way, if I were to invite all immediate members of each family.. I'd have over 500 guests. And as families gossip, I know that the ones who are not going to get invited to at LEAST the ceremony are going to start a family war! My cousin sent out invitations to 1 of my aunt's and for some reason she didn't get it in the mail.. and althought it was a MISTAKE- it has started a family feud that's gone on for over 12 years!

I cannot change my venue, my father (who is paying for this) already picked and put down the deposited on the place (which was the place I mentioned I loved).. and yeah I can change the menu, but I've calculated it, and I will to able to invite 3 more people by doing that, I mean the price per person ranges from the cheapest- most expensive by only $18, and open bar is INCLUDED. I've tried cutting prices every where- all my vendors I've gone through friends and gotten REALLY good deals, my dress was on clearence, did my own STD, probably doing my own centerpieces, my MOH is a florist and doing flowers for cost of materials!

Cutting even more people is a NO NO, changing venue can't be done, cutting prices I've done, and even if I didn't have a photographer, dress, flowers, etc. I still wouldn't have enough money in my budget to invite every one to wedding + reception.

I am not saying that there is a price tag on a person, but if I invite one family member who is married, I MUST also invite that family members in-laws too, so its not like that 1 person is worth the per person cost, but I need to evaluate and think "if I invite aunt Mary Ella&her husband she will want to bring his kids, his step kids, her kids, and her husbands and exhusbands-in laws (NO JOKE) which is an extra 15 people, but aunt jane and uncle joe will only bring their 2 kids."

I'll get grief for not inviting some of my family members at all- at least to the ceremony. And they know its not about any gift, because its in our cultures to send a gift if you KNOW about a wedding, even if your not invited.

And yes, because the families are SO big, we are having another smaller wedding in Europe, so my family members from Italy and my FI family from Greece can attend in summer 2012 (which is MUCH cheaper than a US wedding).

I am trying to please everyone, but its a lose lose situation for me. Heck, even my immediate family, i have 4 brothers and 3 sisters (all OLDER AND MARRIED)! HA! And my bridal party has 10 girls, which i narrowed down BIG TIME! 

So maybe it's not about etiquette... i just need someone to HELP ME figure this out!! Anyone have this kind of family problem, or an extremely large families like this?

Thanks for all of the suggestions about how i can make sure it is clear to those who cannot bring a guest with them.

One thing that jumps out at me is the problem you mentioned where if you invite one relative, you must also invite their inlaws, children, their children, etc.  This is not true. In my family, in some cases we are limited the guests invited to a certain generation of family and not their children because of similar issues. I think people understand that this kind of thing comes up in figuring out who can be invited, because there are always space constraints if not financial!

The solution is absolutely not to invite some people to the ceremony and not to the wedding. This is a recipe for offense and disaster. Cutting the guest list is hard but it sounds like the only solution, given what else you've stated. Perhaps you could send a "wedding announcement" to those other guests on/after the wedding date? I've come across that as a potentially appropriate thing to do.

Like PP, I would just urge you to put yourself in the position of your guests.  How would you feel if you got an invitation, bought a present showed up at the ceremony and then were told that you were actually a tier-2 friend that didn't get dinner? 

I also have a reception venue that is very small.  I can't tell you the pain we went through to cut down our guest list.  But honestly? I'm now super excited about those who are coming.  They are truly my closest friends and family and I can't wait to share my day with those people.  There are people that 3 months ago I agonized over whether to put them on the guest list and now I don't even see some of those people frequently--they really didn't ever need to be on my list. 

Good luck with everything =)

@aunt pol : funny you say that, we are so going the European way and not registering anywhere, but rather have a wedding wish well there! But it doesn't matter, they all know to bring an envelop.

@berry: i can tell my great aunts, and aunts a MILLION times that the invitation to the wedding is ONLY inviting her and her husband, but try convincing that to a 84 year old who's been bringing the same people to the family weddings my entire life.  They are all set in their ways, and have selective hearing! SO STUBBORN!

Also my wedding is Aug. 23,2011 i don't know why someone say it as the 2nd, but that just happenes to be the day before Easter Sunday- BIG HOLIDAY for Greeks and Italians!! Greeks actually fast the day before (day of wedding), and some Italians do too... so maybe they won't come to the wedding due to that!!

But any suggestions come to mind now that you know its a holiday weekend wedding?

thanks, I changed the date! Don't know how that happened.

Scarey thing is my fiance and I started to count our family members (CLOSE ONES, didn't go past 2nd cousins).. and we stoped at 750!! So i think narrorw it down to 100 is pretty good, but my family hold grudges for YEARS. I mean 12 years for a mistake.. and its FAMILY WARS not just my aunt being mad at my cousin, its 1 family vs. another family. 

I know what I want, and who I want.. so I can make this VERY difficult decision.  However, my family is going to make me feel guilty and horrible about it for YEARS. I would rather not show up myself!

How many of these guest would be children?  What if you stated ADULT RECEPTION only on the invitations?  Would that help at all? All the different parts of the families would still be represented, but you could tell everyone you are having a very elegant ADULT affair. I think people would understand that.

Thanks to everyone with the suggestions. All my personal friends who are not realtives are invited to both, and those married and or engaged will be allowed to bring their spouse.  I can write adult reception, and the place does offer a babysitting service, so they won't be far from their kids.... but who's suppose to pay for that? And I know a LOT of my family will completely ignore this!

And the main reason why I asked about my guests being able to bring a guest to the ceremony but not the reception is because 6 of my bridesmaids and several of my friends have asked me if they can bring their boyfriend or girlfriend,(these are the bf and gf I haven't even met), and I told them that due to space and guest limit they cannot. And THEY were the ones that said "Oh, can they come to the wedding ceremony with me, I'd love them to witness the wedding, but I can use a night away from my gf/bf for the reception" or my BM said "I just want my bf to see me in the wedding, no need for them to come to the reception, you don't even know my new boyfriend."  SO THEY ACTUALLY SUGGESTED THEY WANTED THEIR GUEST TO COME TO THE WEDDING CEREMONY VS. THE RECEPTION!! It was NEVER my suggestion nor would i have thought about it.

@texaslawgirl: I appreciate your opinion, but you DID NOT read what I wrote and I encourage you to do that before you start to say things, in a very rude, almost like I'm personally offending YOU. You said to "downsize my wedding".. umm, I have from y guest list has been cut back by over 350 people, I can only have 100 people at the reception! I have cut out college roommates, some of my volleyball and basketball team members I've known since middle school.  You are taking this a little too personally too. I mean to say: "I don't car ehow big your family is, where they are from, how long they hold grudges, or who is footing the bill If they are invited to the ceremony, you MUST invite them to the reception." You also didn't read that my relatives will be MORE offended that they are NOT invited to any part of the wedding then to be invited to just the wedding and not the reception!! Plus, I figured that since most of them are 65+ (I'm guessing you didn't read the part that they are older, set in their ways, and are STUBBORN). Which would you invite a 74 year old couple to, thats family and will get offended if they aren't invited at all and they are usually in bed by 9pm and my reception doesn't start until 745?? Going by your MUST DO, I'll invite them to the reception, and they might only stay 30mins and call it a night...doesn't make sense to me!

"They will understand that those parties are the ones who are invited to both events. There is NO WAY you can tell them "Oh you can bring a guest to my ceremony but you need to ditch them before the reception". I almost hope you were kidding about that."  In response to that comment.. read the aboveBefore giving advise on being a "good host" learn how to give someone advise with TACT.

Thank you.

@texas - Its not that I want to hear what I want to hear.. but I've read that over and over again about the 'etiquette" now i'm searching for SUGGESTION/SOLUTION!

I did have my venue/costs due to my family,very much in mind ,the minute the ring was put on my finger!  It just so happens that my dad "takes care of everything", and is paying for the entire wedding here AND the entire wedding I am having in Europe (being that i have no $ i just started working a week ago). He knows how big our side of the family is, but didn't realized how big my fiance's side was, that lived in the states, he thought there was just a handful here and the rest were in Greece. Which is true, there are about 125-150 family members in states (includ. 1st cousin, aunt, uncle, Godfather&mother, etc. not distant realtives..those by the way are all my dad had accounted for) and just over 250 in Greece. So there was a miscommunication about that. 

The venue I did NOT pick out, yes, I did go to it with my parents- 1st one I looked & my dad is a VERY loyal Marriott cutomer, and this one just happened to be SPECTACULAR, but on the middle to high end $ wise, and I loved it.. (my father could tell, i didnt say "this is it" or anything).  We went to about 8 other venus ranging from all different $ ranges, two of which I liked and said that, but my dad said "But doesn't compared to Marriott, dont u think?" (in casual convo.) and i said "NO! Not at all... but is VERY dueable" (my dad just heard the "No! not at all part). Being that I'm his only daughter, and youngest.. he goes to me one evening that he wanted to go to the Marriott by himself, my fiance could only come with because he wanted to talk "a lil business"- which is classic for him.  Well, about 2 hours after his meeting he calls me and goes "you are going to be so happy!! I booked it, got the date u wanted, put down the deposit and they are sending me over a contract!!!". WOW. I was appreciateive but a little upset bc I thought WE were going to make a decision.  How can i complain though?However, my father... who has only had to pay for the Groom's responsiblites for a wedding didn't realize the $ of a wedding AT ALL!!! He didn't add or take into account the $ INCLUDING SERVICE FEES and TAX FEES which are over 28%!!! Adding another $25,000 to just the venue!!! This is where I got mad and said, "dad i love that u  did this, but u know the budget u gave me..I didn't account for that extra $25,000 in my budget.. if i knew it was that much i would have told u not to even consider it!" and his response "it is what it is hunny... i didn't know either but YOU gotta figure this out".... A lot of family will have to come to the wedding but not the reception! However, with everything else with the wedding i CUT BACK!! Gone with friends of friends for vendors- picked a dress I "liked-loved" on clearence from over $7000 but was $551 ! I mean so far I've saved a lot just by doing all of that.. but not enough

WHAT DOES EVERYTHING, INCLUDING U TEXAS (USEEM TO HAVE ETIQUETTE DOWN) So what do u think about having a small celebration before the wedding where I INVITE everyone that would only be invited to the ceremony, give them the same favors i'm giving my guest, but at a place more affordable and has the space to accommadate them? Thats my only other solution to this, because they ALL have to be invited to the wedding... like i said if they don't get an invite to either they will think its less tactful/polite/and offensive than not getting invited to ONE, especially since most are older and the reception is a bit late for them?? BTW, the being invited to wedding and not reception is STRICTLY for family members, not my personal friends.  What do u and every one else thing abotu this?????

Oh man this is a doozy.  You either have to cut your guest list or find another reception venue.  Either make your family mad by not inviting them, or make your Dad mad by wasting his deposit money.  Tough choices!!  But it just didn't make sense to book a reception venue that does not accomodate your guests when you are obligated to have such a large wedding.  Soo... I kinda think he has to suck it up!  Or you can just have the smaller wedding at the venue you've booked, but I understand that creates family problems.

Would you still be way over on the guest count if you didn't let any of your guests bring a +1 (unless they are married, in which case the spouse would be a guest).  That might be a place to start on cutting down your guest list.

Another option might be to have a separate, cheaper reception on a different day and invite a chunk of family/friends that you're obligated to invite to that one only.  The trick here is that you would NOT be able to invite these people to the ceremony.  (Like others have said, anyone invited to the ceremony has to be invited to the reception that follows.)  But this could be an option for including more members of your family in the celebration of your marriage, even though they aren't invited to the ceremony.  You could even send out a marriage announcement to these people, along with an invitation to the second reception. 

I know you are looking for solutions, but inviting some people to the ceremony and not to the reception is simply not a viable solution.  Trust me, it will be a disaster.  Especially since they are at the same location!!!  People won't understand and will jsut show up anyway. 

And I agree with others that you should refrain from putting ANYTHING about your budget on your wedding website.  Invitations and RSVP cards should indicate whether or not a guest can bring a +1, and any & all people at the ceremony need to be invited to the wedding reception (including the +1's, obviously)