Post # 1
Hi ladies, I really need your thoughts on this one cause I’m torn between what to do. I’m going to be sending out STDs soon and I’m not sure whether my "best friend" should get one, or if I even want her to be at my wedding in Mexico. I use this term loosely now because we have been BF’s for over 3 years, but things have changed since I got engaged(July 2007).
A couple of months ago I spoke with her because I was really hurt and upset that she hadn’t really asked about my wedding or seemed to share any interest. I also had this sense that it was maybe because she might have had her reservations against my fiance, and to be fair it was out of concern. Every relationship has ups and downs, and she has been through a majority of them with me. But the only people who really ever know what is going on is the two people who ARE in the relationship. So I straight up asked her if she had a problem with my fiance, she said no. Ever since then she still has not asked anything or said one word about the wedding. Last night I bring this up again and tell her that I am sad and hurt because I feel like she doesn’t care and this is such a huge step in my life and an exciting time and I want to share this with her and would hope she would want to share in it with me as well. She gives me her reasons for why maybe she hasn’t talked about it(school, family, graduating college, I’m the first of our friends to wed, etc.) and while I completely understand, this doesn’t change that I am also hurt. We all have lives and we make time for what is important. BUT then she adds that maybe unconsciously she has not shown as much interest because of my fiance. Wow, did I call that one? She says that maybe because she’s not such great friends with him and they don’t "click" that might be an influence in how she has been, and also because of the downs she’s seen my fiance and I go through. I tell her that I’m not asking for anyone’s approval, I just want her to be supportive of me and see that no matter how she feels about him I’m the one who is marrying him and making the decision. Give me credit here, his mom raised him right and he is a GOOD man.
Well, my fiance doesn’t really care for her. Neither of them ever did anything to one another or hate each other, they just don’t really click. I wouldn’t call her my best friend anymore, but she’s still someone who has importance in my life. Yet, she has not been supportive as of late. I’m about to send out STD’s within the next month, do you think I should invite her or not? Knowing how my fiance feels about her and how things have been with me and her recently, do I invite her? If not, how do I tell her? I’m sorry this was so long, but I had to give some background. Thank you all so much for your input, I really do appreciate it!
Post # 3
yes, unless you have serious budget issues and you really need to cut down the guest list, i think you should invite her. we’re not talking about making her a bridesmaid or even an honored guest, but she is someone who is and has been important to you. i don’t think you should decide the guest list by who’s gung ho about the wedding and who’s not, but by the people who mean most to you.
(actually, i kinda like the "gung ho or not" idea… i would be invited to a lot more weddings, haha)
anyway, since she doesn’t seem interested, maybe she’ll decline. that way you don’t feel guilty or deal with any issues of not inviting her, and your fi doesn’t have to feel strangely that she’s there. everyone’s happy. (she’s not guaranteed to decline, but if she comes, that shows she had more interest than you thought)
Post # 4
I say be the bigger person and invite her. The ball’s in her court then and she can choose to play it as she wishes. Unless there are extenuating circumstances, if she really does intend to be your friend she’ll be at your wedding and you’ll have your answer if she support you.
Post # 5
This is really hard. My best friend of several years also essentially stopped talking to me when it was apparent that FI and I were talking marriage. I think that she felt really left out, and I know that she had some serious illness in her family at the time, but I honestly would have been there for her if she would have let me. I think that in her mind there just wasn’t room for me in her life as a married (or even engaged) woman. If I wasn’t her fun, single friend (we did a whole lot of things together) then she didn’t want me.
I also went through a little of the same thing myself, just before I got engaged, with my sister. She’s been married for four years, and she had her first child just before I got engaged. I know that’s something to be happy about, but it felt like she had no interest in my wedding plans – only in the baby. Actually it felt like she had no interest in anything but the baby. She was this funny, smart, modern woman with a great job, and suddenly its all diapers and breastfeeding and formula and daycare… After realizing I was totally avoiding calling her, or answering the phone, I decided I was just going to suck it up and talk baby, and eventually maybe she would remember that there was something going on in my life too.
Some people (most people) are really threatened by change. But even if you have your doubts and insecurities, you try hard to be a good friend. Being a good friend means that you ask, even if you think you’re really not that interested. You try to be interested, even if you’re not that enthusiastic. You try to get through whatever doubts you have, because you know that down the road the friendship is worth that.
My (former) friend not only still doesn’t talk to me, she apparently says crappy things about me whenever she gets the chance. My sister is shopping for her dress to be my MOH, and we are celebrating her daughter’s first birthday at the wedding reception. I don’t know how things will work out with your friend – it doesn’t seem like she is trying very hard. But I would go ahead and invite her to the wedding. At least that way you’re not the one who closed the door. And if you have time, I would try to get together with her and do something – see a movie, have lunch – as a little vacation for you from wedding stuff. Don’t talk about it, don’t think about it. Just have fun as friends, ask about what she is doing, talk about the stuff you have in common. If you can be her friend without being crazy-bride-girl for a few hours, maybe she can be big enough to try to show some interest or enthusiasm at a later time.
Obviously its going to be hard to stay friends with her if she really dislikes your FI/husband. But it sounds like you still want to fix the situation if you can, and maybe she does too.
Post # 6
Suzanno – it’s comforting to know that someone has been through a similar situation. And it’s totally true, even though my fiance and I have been together for over 5 years and she and I would do practically everything together, I think it’s more solidified now that I’m engaged and we are going to get married. Thanks for the idea of hanging out but no wedding talk, I like that idea. The funny thing is though that when we talk, I don’t have the conversation be consumed with wedding talk. That’s why it’s so frustrating and sad.
Post # 7
I say invite her and let her choose what to do. It can be hard for friends to adjust to the changes in one another’s life and the way we handle those transitions can make or break the friendships. I sense that if you are struggling with this now, it would hurt you if you completely lost touch.
Also, my perspective has changed a lot as a bride. As a friend or even a BM, I did not "get" the all consuming time and effort that it takes to plan a wedding and was probably not as attentive as I should have/could have been when my friends were brides. Especially since you are one of the first to wed, perhaps your friend is in the same place; it’s not necessarily a malicious thing, just something you can not fully comprehend until you are the bride-to-be. Suzanno’s idea of hanging out without wedding talk is a great one; I know that I try to avoid it too, but sometimes it is hard to consciously contain your excitement:) Instead of talking wedding, focus on her accomplishments (you mentioned graduating college) and make an effort to listen more than to talk. As you show an increased interest in her, she may reciproacte.
Post # 8
To not invite her may destroy your friendship forever. If that is something you can’t live with then do not send her a save the date, if you are ready to dissolve your friendship then go ahead and exclude her.
It doesn’t hurt to talk to her one more time. maybe she is afraid of loosing her best friend, especially since she doesn’t get along famously with your FI. As the first in your group to get married it is a new adjustement to the friend dynamic. Maybe you need to make some time to spend with her and her alone. Have you asked about what is going on in her life? She may be feeling that your relationship is all about you since you got engaged.
Post # 9
Ladies, I really do appreciate all your help. This whole situation is tough, and I’m still not sure what to do. I really do mean that since our first initial talk a couple months ago, she literally did not say a single word about the wedding. I guess why I feel so hesitant about everything is that I still went on and asked about her life and showed my enthusiasm for the changes happening in her life, but it was no reciprocated. You know how sometimes all you want is for someone to just ask?
Post # 10
I completely understand where you’re coming from. While I was in college, I became good friends with two people (sisters actually). The group (comprise of several other people) became inseparable. One of the girls eventually got engaged and married and I was part of the bridal party. Everything went well until about a year ago when things just changed, completely. We stopped talking! When I confront her about it, it was over something so stupid and petty that I started to doubt our friendship altogether, because in my mind, good friends will not let stupid little things get in the way. However, they both are very important people in my life so I tried to keep in touch. Also during this time, my FI were getting serious and started discussing marriage. When I mentioned that it we may be heading down that road, I felt less than enthusiasm from them. I chalked it up to our falling out and the fact that they don’t know my FI that well.
Anyways, FI and I are in full mode of planning our wedding now. I always thought these girls will be standing right next to me on my wedding day. However, due to tireless effort on my part to reconcile, there are no interest on their part on my wedding. So I’ve decided to not make them my bridesmaids but they will be invited to my wedding. Again, they are still important people in my life and I want them to share the day with me. If they are not interested, then they can decline and we’ll proceed from there.
I think what everyone suggested to hang out and not discuss wedding is a good idea. However, I can’t help but feel like if people are truly your friends, you do not have to hide your excitement for something that is extremely important in your life. They should share that excitement with you despite their interest in it or not. Needless to say, the friends in question are also disinterested in my wedding planning process, despite the fact that she would probably be the most helpful to me since she had just gone through the process herself. I find comfort in other people who are genuinely interested and more than helpful in the planning process. The point is, you can only do so much on your side. If she is important to you, invite her because YOU want her to be there for YOUR important day, whether it is important or not to her may or may not be as important.
Good luck and hope it works out for the best.
Post # 11
I totally understand. At some point (sounds like anytime now…) your friend does have to reciprocate – you can’t really have a friendship where she just ignores what is going on in your life and so you don’t talk about it either, or you do talk about it and she gets quiet and weird and doesn’t talk to you.
At some point, you maybe have to have one of those talks. Where you tell her how much you miss the way things were, but realistically they are never going to be quite that way again. And so really, does she want to try to be friends with engaged and eventually married you, or is that not going to work for her? That would mean that she has to let go of her reservations about your FI, and just be happy for you because you’re happy. Not that she has to be best buddies with him too, but you can’t easily be friends with someone who can’t hear you speak your husband’s name.
It sounds to me like you are seriously trying, and you’re not sure that she is. I think its totally fair to ask if she is willing to try to make the friendship work. You can also go ahead and let her know that you would love to have her at the wedding, but are kind of wondering if she would even want to be there, based on how things are going. And see what she says. Just like in a romantic relationship, I think that its better to know its over than to be left sitting and wondering.
Sometimes people do seriously need to be called on their BS. I would expect any of my girlfriends (or my sister) to say "Hey, bridezilla, could we maybe talk about something else for five minutes?" And I think you get to say (all talk about what’s going on in her life and how she doesn’t *click* with your FI aside, because you’ve already had that conversation) "This is not really working for me. Do you want to try to be friends, or are you saying that you so seriously disagree with my choice that it won’t work for you anymore? Because I feel like I’m trying pretty hard, and you’re not, and that’s not working for me."
Post # 12
- Wedding: September 2018 - The Desmond Hotel in Malvern, PA
I think you should invite her. If she really has a problem with your fiance or doesn’t want to go to the effort to go to Mexico for your wedding, she won’t go. That will be the same result as if you don’t invite her at all. Wouldn’t you feel better knowing that you did the "right" thing by inviting her and you left the ball in her court? If she doesn’t come, that will solidify your feelings about the friendship. If she does come, you might be able to reconnect since she obviously will attend out of love for your and respect for your friendship. Weddings can have a profound affect on people, and if she is there maybe she will finally be able to see what you and your fiance have and she’ll be happier for you.
Post # 13
It’s not easy to put yourself in someone else’s shoes — epecially when you have something as big as a wedding going on in your life. Since getting engaged, I’ve been really disapointed at the lack of excitement from some of my friends. But then I realized that a lot of them are jealous, and jealousy can bring out the ugliness in people. I can imagine that if my best friend were getting married, and I wasn’t, even though I was happy for her, it wouldn’t be impossible for me to act a bit badly or say someting catty. That’s not something I’m proud of, but I’ll bet I’m not the only one who could react this way. It doesn’t sound like she has done anything too horrible, so I’d just give her the benefit of the doubt.
Something you should remember is if you don’t invite her, your relationship will almost definitely be over. That really isn’t something a friendship will bounce back from easily. If you’re really sick of her and are ready to get her out of your life, then not inviting her is a perfect way to to it. On the other hand, if you’d just like a bit more enthusiasm from her, just explain to her how special she is to you, and how much her happiness will mean to you. I imagine she’ll get over herself and do the right thing. Good luck!
Post # 14
Thank you so much ladies! My fiance is 100% behind whatever decision I make, this is why I’m marrying him =) Unless some drastic happens, I will invite her.