Post # 1
ok so will try to make a long story short…
Fi had a really good friend who passed away in an unfortunate accident. If he were still alive he would be a groomman. Fi was very friendly with deceased friends wife and children and family. They attended FI’s big birthday bash I threw for him before friend passed on and FI and friend used to hang out on a weekly basis.
Ok so friend passed on and FI and I did as much as we could to help the wife. I mean she has friends she is much closer to and family that helped her get through such a difficult time. .. ok.. fast forward to maybe 6 months later. The wife is now involved in a new relationship with one of deceased husbands friends. While my FI was not so enthused about the situation he knows it isnt his place to say anything.
we had a BBQ and invited the Wife (or shall I now say widow) to our house with her new boyfriend (deceased husbands friend). It was awkward to say the least but FI dealt with it. In the mean while, during that time period we were enagaged and had set a date and also were sending out save the dates… we sent one to wife/widow and I acknowledged that she was in a relationship now and addressed save the date to both her and new guy.
OK .. fastforward some more.. now 1 yr later.. she is engaged and marrying deceased husbands friend and now planning a wedding one month before ours.
didnt bother me much because we do not run in the same circle of friends and doesnt affect our guest list. My personal feelings about her marriage do not matter. FI was a bit disturbed about the situation but only tells me. OK so now she mentioned on facebook stuff about her wedding, dresses purchased, she asks me about our planning, we comment back and forth, she mentions her invitations are sealed and ready to be mailed. That day has come and gone and we didnt get a wedding invitation. While I am not really hurt about this FI is a little disturbed b/c she already knew with the save the date she would be invited to our wedding even with her new FI.
Ok so the FI now does not want to invite her to our wedding. FI says that while he isnt “great” friends with her he was great friends with her deceased husband and knew her pretty well and their children. They chat, we have invited them to our home for BBQ’s to Fi’s 40Th birthday party and he just feels a little offended. We are not sure that their wedding is just immediate family or not nor has she volunteered that info.
what do we do? Invite her anyway? not invite her? I know etiquitte dictates that since she received a save the date she should get an invite but that was before her whirlwind engagement and wedding.
Any advice is appreciated.
Post # 3
Despite the situation, you usually send invites to everyone that got a Save the Date.
Post # 4
that is what I told FI, but he wants all of the bees opinions 🙂
Post # 5
I would say that since you sent the std you should send the invite. Maybe she is having a smaller wedding with only family? Anyway you can find out?
Post # 6
I mean, it would irk me a little to invite her to yours and then not be invited to hers but whatever, that’s besides the point. I dont know that I would have sent her a STD to begin with, the situation just seems a little iffy to me and it seems like yall werent that close to her, just the deceased friend. Yea, etiquette would say to send her an invite since she got a STD but personally, I think it’s completely up to yall. Youre not that close to her so its not like you might be risking a friendship by uninviting her. I personally dont know that I would invite her but thats just me…
Talk it over with your FI and see if yall can come up with something. I would quick, though, because your wedding is in June and you need to get the invites out soon. Good luck!
Post # 7
i would invite them since you already sent the invites, but i’d also kind of assume that they’re having a small wedding–it sounds like her first husband passed away fairly recently, and if it’s that awkward with you guys, it’s probably awkward with other people as well. i mean, maybe i’m wrong, but if her new fi was good friends with her husband, i’m assuming other people besides your fi find it awkward…
Post # 8
I am not super friendly with her, mostly on FB.. FI felt like he was friendly with her and he was super close to her husband. he’s been to their house for holidays before FI and I were together. I wish I could find out if she was having a smaller wedding. I did mention to Fi that maybe her wedding is just family… mrsmurraytobe.. all other invites have gone out.. Fi put a hold on hers.
Post # 9
Send her an invite. We all see the difficulties people have with their guest lists here- low budgets, space restrictions, tons of obligation invites pushing out the people the couple really wants there… there could be any number of reasons why she didn’t invite you two. Plus, as a recent widow, she’s probably having a smaller, more subdued wedding anyway. There’s no reason to interpret this as an insult when there are a thousand innocent reasons why she may not have invited you.
Post # 10
If you sent a STD, then you must invite them.
Also, I have had two friends who were windows and remarried. Both of them had very small weddings. One actually had a destination wedding for just the two of them. They hired an amazing photographer, but it was just the two of them. She said she didn’t feel right having another large wedding. Just because she is sending out invitations, doesn’t mean it is going to be a big affair. It most likely will be a VERY small wedding.
Post # 11
Invites shouldn’t be a tit for tat kind of a thing. People should be invited to your wedding based on how many you can afford to have and who you want in attendance. Clearly you already made the decision that you wanted to invite her and you sent her a save the date. Just because you didn’t get an invite to hers does not mean you need to rescind your invite to her–you don’t know her situation. She may be on a very limited budget, or he may have HUGE family taking up most of the guest list. You could be very high up on her B list of people she’d love to invite but just doesn’t have room for at the moment. She might send you an invite as soon as she starts getting some no’s. Just keep doing what you’re doing and try not to take whatever she’s doing personally–it’s hard to know what goes into the planning of another person’s wedding.
Post # 12
@greenleafmountain you absolutely have a great point.. there are any number of reasons.. I agree, hopefully by reading all of your responses to FI he will change his mind.
Post # 13
Are you sure she has sent her invites? Just becasue they are sealed and ready to be sent out doesn’t mean that actually have been.
I would take the high road and invite them. As others have said, maybe they are having a small wedding. Is your FI close to the new FI? Maybe the new-FI feels awkward having some of the deceased friend’s friends present… (does that make sense?)
Post # 14
Miss Seahorse… My FI used to hang out with the new FI too at deceased friends place of business after hours.. am sure they sent invites, wedding is very soon.
But, as all of you have said I should send invite anyway. FI agreed that this poll would make decision.. and i’ve already been reading him responses.. he knows how knowledgeable you bees are 😉
Post # 15
I don’t think it should matter that they invited you to their wedding or not. You generally don’t invite people to your wedding just because they invited you to theirs. You already sent her a save the date, I say she gets an invite too 🙂
Post # 16
I am sorry that the situation has changed to make things so uncomfortable. Unfortuately, I think you need to still invite her/them. It would be a bigger faux pas on your part to not send an invite after having sent a save-the-date.
But don’t worry. You won’t even notice them there on your day!