- Blog
- Bios
- Boards
- Classifieds
- DIY
- Gallery
- Vendor Reviews
- Shop Weddingbee
Weddingbee boards
I don't think she has to be there. It's your FH's son and he should be able to participate to the wedding. I don't think people on their second marriages invite their ex wives/husbands to their weddings.
Technically if he's listed as the father, yeah, you could have him there without her. There's no protective order.
Quite honestly I think he should just say: "I want my son to be at my wedding, but I think it would be best for everyone if he was the only one in attendance. You and I have a past that I don't want others to be talking about on my wedding day. I hope you understand... I'm sure you wouldn't want me at your new wedding, either."
Just don't be surprised if she says no to this request... even if you DO invite her. She apparently likes having the power.
I definitely do not think you have to invite her! It's your wedding, and not the time for you to be having any awkward moments. You should be able to completely enjoy your day! And while I am no Emily Post, I certainly don't think that inviting the ex's is required by wedding etiquette.
If it's his son, I don't think she has to be there. It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable to have her! How does your FI feel about having her there?
I agree that I don't think she has to be there, but the fact that she doesn't want your FH in his son's life sounds like she wants to create complications. Does he have specified legal rights to his son?
Hmmm, I was thinking the only reason to include her would be if they have a child. But, I totally see why you wouldn't want to invite her.
So here is an idea. Are you at all close to your FMIL? Can you ask her to ask if they, the assumed grandparents (or insert whatever other family member would work, really) can bring the boy? If you have someone who will understand your feelings, you can ask that person to present it as an opportunity for the ex to have a night off.
Basically, another family member could bring the boy.
On another point, while the boy is in the country, I would seriously advice you both to see a family lawyer. This is your opportunity to get things settled, because the law will have jurisdiction as long as he is here.
The thing is that FH's ex doesn't even let us spend time with her son! FH's parents have to "sneak him out" so that he could have lunch with us, etc. I'm worried that she is using her son as a means to get back at FH for leaving her.
If we choose the venue at the Naval Base, she will be close by since FH's family lives near the base. FH does not want any tension/drama between his ex and I, but I think that will be inevitable since she hasn't seem to be cooperating with us. She refuses to let FH have his son, and to be honest with you guys, his son doesn't even know who FH is to him. Is having his son there a good idea in this case?
laboroflove seems to have the right idea, you'd think she'd understand it would be uncomfortable for her to be there. However, she might be concerned about who will be watching their son - I'm assuming your FH's parents? what a complicated situation - I'm so sorry!
firstly i would be wanting to find out if the child is his bio son - if yes then legally he has responsbilities and rights and if no, then he has just saved himself from a world of legal pain if she decided to come after him (and you for that matter) for financial support.
secondly, by your post im assuming the child has not seen his father and has no relationship with him - if thats the case the the last thing i would want is him to be upset by being forced to spend time with people he does not know
as far as mooching of your FI's parents - if the child is his, they are supporting their grandchild and thats their business. if your FI isnt providing any financial assistance for the child then im glad someone is helping her
goodluck!
edit: just read your 2nd post - maybe your FI's parents can take responsbility of the child for the day but if they dont tell the childs mother they run the risk of alienating her which is dangerous ground
I'm sorry you are in this sucky situation. But I don't think in the current situation you should have the ex-fiance or the son at your wedding. IMO you should get a paternity test, then go to court and have a judge establish visitation. If this is his child he needs to be part of the child's life on a regular and premanent basis, not just for one day. If this is indeed his child- she has no right to keep his son from him and you don't need to play her manipulation games.
When I read the title of this post, I was totally going to say no, no, NO exes at weddings. However, if there is a child envolved, that makes things a bit complicated. I think that you guys have more important things to work out than just a wedding invite. You should probably sit down and discuss boundaries, as well as the role that you and your FI will play in the babies life.
Good luck!
If he knows his son and has leagal rights to see him then I think he should be a part of your wedding. I don't think that the ex needs to be there though. It would be inappropriet and awkward. If they are living with your FH's family then I would assume that the child knows and is comfortable with those family members. Perhaps they would be willing to be responsible for him for the day so that he can be there without his mother.
I don't think it's a good idea for either to be there, honestly. I don't think your wedding day is the best time for your FH to try to forge a relationship with his son, who you say doesn't even know he is his dad. I think you should wait until after the wedding and then get a paternity test at which point your FH can pursue a relationship with his son (if the boy ends up being his son). I think the ex is trying to stir up drama with this move. And WTF is wrong with your FILs letting her mooch like that?!?
@LaborOfLove: what you said was exactly what I had said to him as well; however, his personality conflicts with what I want him to do because he feels that it will create 'tension' that is unnecessary.
@amanda.lynn: FH does not care whether or not his ex will be there; however, if he feels that it displeases me, then he'd rather her and his son not come in order to keep our day special, with positive energy.
@beagle: I'm not exactly sure on the specifics of his rights to his son as his son is a natural born Japanese citizen, NOT an American citizen. The rights my FH has with his son is subjective to both Japanese and American government. We're not sure how to handle things.
@monitajb: What you suggested would be a great idea IF my FH's ex wasn't such a smug little brat. She had rejected our attempts at offering financial help and has put her their son on lock down from either one of us. FH's parents are split up, his mom lives in the Philippines and his dad is estranged.
@eloping: We have presented my FH's ex with a DNA test but she has rejected it numerous times. She was so against it that she got my FH's family against it as well (for reasons unknown). She pretty much moved to San Diego without telling anyone ahead of time and showed up at my FH's brother's house, forcing her way into the home. His brother couldn't do much except let her stay the night, and that night turned into FOUR MONTHS so far. She said she had "friends" in the area she could stay with, but she hasn't budged since.
@pudding: My FH has tried a couple of times to speak with his ex in terms of boundaries, the reason she is here, etc. She refuses to speak with him about anything, especially about their son.
@Kittyachi: I agree with you, to not have either one at our wedding. However estranged my FH is to his son, the child is still flesh & blood, no matter the circumstance. I know my FH is upset that the situation is so unpleasing; I know he loves the child no matter if he were his or not. We've tried to pass over the paternity test to the ex but she refuses to give any samples to us. It's making me boil! I want to literally drive to her place and beat the crap out of her because she is making the situation so complicated by showing up out of nowhere, acting like the victim! She is alienating my FH from his family because his family is torn between him and the baby; it's really getting to me! I question the ex's motives of moving to America to live with FH's family--after all, I will be his new wife and that is something I do not tolerate. Call me territorial, but it's just not right! FH's family is letting her stay because they feel that the CHILD is the one who will suffer the most if they kick her out. It's basically a catch22 /:
Wow, this ex is drama! I don't think you should have there period, and I would inform security about her so she isn't allowed to cause any drama or ruin your day.
If FH's parents sneak the child out to have lunch, couldn't he get a paternity test on his own during one of those lunches? If the child is in fact FH's, the child may in fact be entitled to US citizenship as well as Japanese. And your FH may have the legal right to visitation or even custody of the child. However, all of this will be a lot more difficult, and the ex-fiancee will retain more power, so long as his fatherhood is undetermined.
I agree with other posters that a wedding isn't necessarily the best place to resolve these issues...
I would strongly advise you guys to consult an attorney specializing in paternity to better understand your legal rights... time is of the essence, especially if the child is potentially his!
In my wedding planning book it has the do's and the don'ts... And it says Don't invite your old boyfriends or girlfriends to your wedding; You don't want to make anybody feel uncomfortable.
That being said. You'll have to ask her to have her son be a ring bearer at your wedding. Is she going to agree to that? How old is her son? She'll probably want to be there to take care of him. It's totally up to you whether to ask her or not. I personally wouldn't, but again it's up to you.
If it upsets you that she's mooching off of your FILs maybe you should talk to them and let them know how you feel.
Good luck and Congratulations on your engagement!
I would ask that he gets a paternity test to even see if the boy is his or not. If it isnt even his son, all this is completely unnecessary.
I agree with Verosara I would also advise security that she is not allowed into your wedding...
Outside of the wedding....your FI needs to get a lawyer and request a paternity test ASAP. If he has listed the child as a legal dependent then he has the right to do a paternity test...and since he knows where she and the child are he should have no problems getting her served with the paperwork.
Get that taken care of and some of the other stuff will resolve itself. I am sure your FIs brother is taking this woman in b/c she has what he thinks is his nephew. If it turns out not to be his nephew, I am sure he would have no problems giving her the boot and she can go stay with her "friends in the area".
Also, the child has a right to know his father and have a relationship with him. So if the child turns out to be his...he has some legal standing to enforce visitation. If the child isn't...he no longer has to deal with the drama of the ex and can take steps to have the child removed as a legal dependent.
It's kind of surprising that you guys are not pressing the paternity issue...even if the ex is saying no...b/c frankly she doesn't have the right to say no.
I don't think she has to be at the wedding! I sure wouldn't invite her!!!
As to her not letting him have anything to do with his son, you guys really should get a lawyer and take legal actions. Since he helps support him and provides him with benefits and such, he has rights to see him. A parenting plan would be a great idea. Then you can have him in your wedding easily without causing drama by not inviting her (which I still think you don't have to do!)
strongly agree w/ mrbee--you need to consult with legal advisors. try calling the legal office at naval base sd and asking for advice.
if your FH's ex will agree to let her son go with FH's family for your wedding day, that could be a solution for the day-of. obviously there are long term issues that need to be dealt with as well.
you mentioned that she lives near the base...not sure but are you worried she will try to crash your wedding? she wouldnt be able to get on base.
Thanks everyone for your awesome advice! FH and I are putting our foot down and getting things done. We are going to speak to a legal counselor to get some ideas to confront his ex without seeming like we are ambushing her, causing a bigger conflict than needed. The gears are in motion! (=
I hope that we will be able to resolve any and all issues concerning the infamous ex-fiancee before the actual wedding day.
You definitely need to get a paternity test stat!! IF that child is his, he has as much right to see him as she does, she can't legally keep him away from your FI since he is listing him as a dependent. He needs to take her to court and fight for at least joint custody, and if she refuses then she can deal with the repercussions. Thankfully you have plenty of time to take care of this before your wedding, but she shoudl absolutely not be there, she will try to ruin your wedding.
Keep us posted!
I would have his son but NOT his EX!!! I think that will make you stressed on your wedding day!
Hell NO dont invite her, thats crazy! I wouldnt, sons are with their dads without their moms all the time and its fine
It is time to get lawyers and the court involved and get a DNA test. We understand you tried that before, but he has a legal right and she can not refuse a court ordered DNA test. This is all so unneccessary and really will harm the child in the end. You guys seem to be looking out for his best interest which she obviously is not, she is using him as a weapon. That is not ok. Do what is best and please get a lawyer.
Not being rude, but a comment you made really bugged me. I may have read into the wrong way but you said no matter how estranged your FH is, he is flesh and blood. Well one you don't know that for sure. Second, I am estranged from my parents and have been since I was 10. When I was younger I would not have wanted to be a part of something for someone I know nothing about or hardly know. If this child is not familar with him, a wedding is not a place for him. Don't know how hold the child is, but placing a child in a wedding, surrounded by people he hardly knows does not feel like a good thing. Kids can feel tension and surrounded by unknown people may cause him to get upset especially if his mother keeps him sheltered the way he is. I am just saying, I have seen someone does this exact same thing before and it completely backfired. I understand you want him in the wedding bc you guys feel he is his son, but with all the drama attached to it, I just dont feel it is whats best for the kid or your wedding day. Good luck!
Sounds like your FI is Navy. Get the JAG involved immediately. Let them know that he has a dependent listed that he questions the paternity of. The government doesn't like paying benefits to those who are not entitled to it. They can help get a paternity order. But you said your FI doesn't care if it's his kid or not, then what's the point of the paternity test? You need to resolve the legal issues surrounding this child, including custody, child support, visitation, citizenship, and paternity. All that is WAY too much to deal with before the wedding, so I think you should just leave him out. Since someone will likely have to smuggle the child to the wedding in the first place, it's probably better that you leave all that until after you're married.
You shouldn't have to invite anyone that would make you uncomfortable. It'd be great to have the son there if that was possible, but he's really not part of your fiance's life then I'm not sure that's a great idea given all the conflict it sounds like it could cause.
I think the question should be, will she enjoy being there? Is her presense going to enhance, positivitly, your wedding day? If not, no invite.
This woman is living with FI's brother... You really do have to solve paternity ASAP, and if FI is active duty military you do have resources at your disposal to help solve this.
I agree that a kid that has no relationship with your FI except a casual one would probably be very confused at your wedding.
Best of luck and keep us posted!
definitely do a paternity test. Wow, I can't believe she would mooch off someone like that and off his family and not even know if it's his kid.
I mean if it's not his son...then I would go from there. Like adopt the kid if she can't support the kid. Or do other things to help her out, if he wants.
Wait, and didn't your FH have to approve her putting her son to receive military benefits. Your FH should have made sure it was his son before considering something like that.
Oh, and I understand that you and your FH don't want to cause drama but I'm sorry to say this, but this women caused enough drama by claiming your FH is the baby's father and mooching off his military benefits and now staying at his brother's house. She stepped across the line there.
as everyone has said the pat test is essential to the entire situation...and I dont think for one minute that she wouldnt come to your wedding just to create conflict. I would def have security there so that she doesnt get in. i think that it would just be best for everyone...including the son (who is apparently not close to your FH) to just let the wedding issue go...and work on getting the legal issues figured out for now...
You must log in to post.
| Visit our sister sites | eHarmony Online Dating |
eHarmony Advice Dating Advice |
Project Wedding Wedding Songs |
JustMommies Pregnancy Calendar |
Create the honeymoon of your dreams.
Ok here's the scoop:
A few years ago when FH was stationed in Japan, he got engaged to someone. However, long story short, paperwork did not go through and they were not legally married. He went underway, and during his underway she notified him that she is pregnant but had been cheating on him. Needless to say, he ended things as soon as he got back and was then transferred to San Diego.
Even though the baby she was carrying might not be his, FH "did the right thing" and made the baby his dependent--the baby became FH's legal dependent and had military benefits. Anyhow, flash forward a couple years later to present-day and we find out his ex-fiancee and the baby are in town, living with FH's family in San Diego (yeah, wtf?). She doesn't want FH to have anything to do with her or his son, but are mooching off FH's family's hospitality.
We are planning a wedding at the Naval Base in San Diego. I would love to have FH's son to be our ring boy, but I do NOT want the ex-fiancee to be at our wedding. There is so much to her that I completely despise (i.e. mooching off FH's family) that I will not tolerate her presence on our big day.
Is it possible to have FH's son at our wedding and not invite FH's ex-fiancee? Or do I really have to invite her? /: