Post # 1
Ok here’s the scoop:
A few years ago when FH was stationed in Japan, he got engaged to someone. However, long story short, paperwork did not go through and they were not legally married. He went underway, and during his underway she notified him that she is pregnant but had been cheating on him. Needless to say, he ended things as soon as he got back and was then transferred to San Diego.
Even though the baby she was carrying might not be his, FH “did the right thing” and made the baby his dependent–the baby became FH’s legal dependent and had military benefits. Anyhow, flash forward a couple years later to present-day and we find out his ex-fiancee and the baby are in town, living with FH’s family in San Diego (yeah, wtf?). She doesn’t want FH to have anything to do with her or his son, but are mooching off FH’s family’s hospitality.
We are planning a wedding at the Naval Base in San Diego. I would love to have FH’s son to be our ring boy, but I do NOT want the ex-fiancee to be at our wedding. There is so much to her that I completely despise (i.e. mooching off FH’s family) that I will not tolerate her presence on our big day.
Is it possible to have FH’s son at our wedding and not invite FH’s ex-fiancee? Or do I really have to invite her? /:
Post # 3
I don’t think she has to be there. It’s your FH’s son and he should be able to participate to the wedding. I don’t think people on their second marriages invite their ex wives/husbands to their weddings.
Post # 4
Technically if he’s listed as the father, yeah, you could have him there without her. There’s no protective order.
Quite honestly I think he should just say: “I want my son to be at my wedding, but I think it would be best for everyone if he was the only one in attendance. You and I have a past that I don’t want others to be talking about on my wedding day. I hope you understand… I’m sure you wouldn’t want me at your new wedding, either.”
Just don’t be surprised if she says no to this request… even if you DO invite her. She apparently likes having the power.
Post # 5
I definitely do not think you have to invite her! It’s your wedding, and not the time for you to be having any awkward moments. You should be able to completely enjoy your day! And while I am no Emily Post, I certainly don’t think that inviting the ex’s is required by wedding etiquette.
Post # 6
- Wedding: January 2011 - Vintage Villas
If it’s his son, I don’t think she has to be there. It sounds like it would be very uncomfortable to have her! How does your Fiance feel about having her there?
Post # 7
- Wedding: October 2009 - Church Ceremony/Reception at The Waterford House
I agree that I don’t think she has to be there, but the fact that she doesn’t want your FH in his son’s life sounds like she wants to create complications. Does he have specified legal rights to his son?
Post # 8
Hmmm, I was thinking the only reason to include her would be if they have a child. But, I totally see why you wouldn’t want to invite her.
So here is an idea. Are you at all close to your FMIL? Can you ask her to ask if they, the assumed grandparents (or insert whatever other family member would work, really) can bring the boy? If you have someone who will understand your feelings, you can ask that person to present it as an opportunity for the ex to have a night off.
Basically, another family member could bring the boy.
On another point, while the boy is in the country, I would seriously advice you both to see a family lawyer. This is your opportunity to get things settled, because the law will have jurisdiction as long as he is here.
Post # 9
The thing is that FH’s ex doesn’t even let us spend time with her son! FH’s parents have to “sneak him out” so that he could have lunch with us, etc. I’m worried that she is using her son as a means to get back at FH for leaving her.
If we choose the venue at the Naval Base, she will be close by since FH’s family lives near the base. FH does not want any tension/drama between his ex and I, but I think that will be inevitable since she hasn’t seem to be cooperating with us. She refuses to let FH have his son, and to be honest with you guys, his son doesn’t even know who FH is to him. Is having his son there a good idea in this case?
Post # 10
- Wedding: August 2018 - Oakland Manor
laboroflove seems to have the right idea, you’d think she’d understand it would be uncomfortable for her to be there. However, she might be concerned about who will be watching their son – I’m assuming your FH’s parents? what a complicated situation – I’m so sorry!
Post # 11
firstly i would be wanting to find out if the child is his bio son – if yes then legally he has responsbilities and rights and if no, then he has just saved himself from a world of legal pain if she decided to come after him (and you for that matter) for financial support.
secondly, by your post im assuming the child has not seen his father and has no relationship with him – if thats the case the the last thing i would want is him to be upset by being forced to spend time with people he does not know
as far as mooching of your FI’s parents – if the child is his, they are supporting their grandchild and thats their business. if your Fiance isnt providing any financial assistance for the child then im glad someone is helping her
edit: just read your 2nd post – maybe your FI’s parents can take responsbility of the child for the day but if they dont tell the childs mother they run the risk of alienating her which is dangerous ground
Post # 12
I’m sorry you are in this sucky situation. But I don’t think in the current situation you should have the ex-fiance or the son at your wedding. IMO you should get a paternity test, then go to court and have a judge establish visitation. If this is his child he needs to be part of the child’s life on a regular and premanent basis, not just for one day. If this is indeed his child- she has no right to keep his son from him and you don’t need to play her manipulation games.
Post # 13
- Wedding: July 2010 - Catholic Ceremony, Cultural Hall Reception
When I read the title of this post, I was totally going to say no, no, NO exes at weddings. However, if there is a child envolved, that makes things a bit complicated. I think that you guys have more important things to work out than just a wedding invite. You should probably sit down and discuss boundaries, as well as the role that you and your Fiance will play in the babies life.
Post # 14
If he knows his son and has leagal rights to see him then I think he should be a part of your wedding. I don’t think that the ex needs to be there though. It would be inappropriet and awkward. If they are living with your FH’s family then I would assume that the child knows and is comfortable with those family members. Perhaps they would be willing to be responsible for him for the day so that he can be there without his mother.
Post # 15
I don’t think it’s a good idea for either to be there, honestly. I don’t think your wedding day is the best time for your FH to try to forge a relationship with his son, who you say doesn’t even know he is his dad. I think you should wait until after the wedding and then get a paternity test at which point your FH can pursue a relationship with his son (if the boy ends up being his son). I think the ex is trying to stir up drama with this move. And WTF is wrong with your Future In-Laws letting her mooch like that?!?
Post # 16
@LaborOfLove: what you said was exactly what I had said to him as well; however, his personality conflicts with what I want him to do because he feels that it will create ‘tension’ that is unnecessary.
@amanda.lynn: FH does not care whether or not his ex will be there; however, if he feels that it displeases me, then he’d rather her and his son not come in order to keep our day special, with positive energy.
@beagle: I’m not exactly sure on the specifics of his rights to his son as his son is a natural born Japanese citizen, NOT an American citizen. The rights my FH has with his son is subjective to both Japanese and American government. We’re not sure how to handle things.
@monitajb: What you suggested would be a great idea IF my FH’s ex wasn’t such a smug little brat. She had rejected our attempts at offering financial help and has put her their son on lock down from either one of us. FH’s parents are split up, his mom lives in the Philippines and his dad is estranged.
@eloping: We have presented my FH’s ex with a DNA test but she has rejected it numerous times. She was so against it that she got my FH’s family against it as well (for reasons unknown). She pretty much moved to San Diego without telling anyone ahead of time and showed up at my FH’s brother’s house, forcing her way into the home. His brother couldn’t do much except let her stay the night, and that night turned into FOUR MONTHS so far. She said she had “friends” in the area she could stay with, but she hasn’t budged since.
@pudding: My FH has tried a couple of times to speak with his ex in terms of boundaries, the reason she is here, etc. She refuses to speak with him about anything, especially about their son.
@Kittyachi: I agree with you, to not have either one at our wedding. However estranged my FH is to his son, the child is still flesh & blood, no matter the circumstance. I know my FH is upset that the situation is so unpleasing; I know he loves the child no matter if he were his or not. We’ve tried to pass over the paternity test to the ex but she refuses to give any samples to us. It’s making me boil! I want to literally drive to her place and beat the crap out of her because she is making the situation so complicated by showing up out of nowhere, acting like the victim! She is alienating my FH from his family because his family is torn between him and the baby; it’s really getting to me! I question the ex’s motives of moving to America to live with FH’s family–after all, I will be his new wife and that is something I do not tolerate. Call me territorial, but it’s just not right! FH’s family is letting her stay because they feel that the CHILD is the one who will suffer the most if they kick her out. It’s basically a catch22 /: