Post # 1
My gf and I were recently discussing (pre-engagement) wedding plans and the very real possibility that some of our family members will not attend our wedding because we’re gay. We’re completely fine with that. Actually, pretty glad because it’d open room to invite more of our friends. But here’s my question, should we still send an invitiation to those family members who we think are going to decline? Will it break etiquette by not giving them the option? If they did attend it wouldnt hurt us and if they didn’t it wouldn’t hurt us. We just don’t want to waste invitations/money.
Anyone else have this dilemma? How did you handle it?
Post # 2
Treat them how you would want to be treated. Rise above. Send the invitation and let them choose for themselves. While I’m not gay, I am Christian with some atheist friends and that’s what I did about my church wedding.
Post # 3
Well, if DH and I had family members who didn’t approve of our relationship, I would have invited them to give them the option to attend… especially since I had invited all family (aunts, uncles, etc.) regardless of how close we were to them.
So if it were me, I would probably still invite them. They might even surprise you and end up coming.
Post # 4
Do you think they would be disruptive if they came. You don’t want to invite anyone who might use this as a protest. I’m just asking the question. I’d invite all who you think would be respectful.
Post # 5
I’d invite them. They may surprise you and come. If they don’t come at least you won’t have given them something else to make family dynamics even more difficult.
Post # 6
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
Would you invite them if they were neo-nazis and showed up in White Power shirts? No? Then don’t invite them just because they aren’t AS open about being bad people. Folks who don’t believe that love = love have no place at a ceremony of mutual affection and respect.
Post # 7
for me, it would depend on their behavior in the past. Are these people who are openly hostile to you? Send nasty emails/FB mesages about your life? Then no, I wouldn’t invite them. If they have said they don’t approve, but treat you and your GF nicely whent hey see you, then I would invite them.
Post # 8
uncltredpearl: Sorry some of your family members suck. 🙁 We have some family members who disapprove of our marriage for religious reasons, and here’s my perspective:
We were angry and hurt, but we ultimately decided that we would rather be the bigger people.
We would like them to celebrate with us, so we are inviting them. By that I mean we could like them to get over their issues and be happy for us. If they are not willing to do that, we assume they will decline. But we do not want to pre-emptively cut them out in case they have a change of heart. If they want to be bigoted, that it their choice, but we don’t want them to have any excuse other than their own bigotry not to be there.
Post # 9
She mentioned that her grandfather most likely won’t attend and I’m also not 100% sure about my grandfather. But they’ll definitely be sent invitiations because they’re our grandparents. It’s with other kind of close family members like 2nd cousins we’re not too sure about. I know they wouldn’t be disruptive but we also dont want any bad vibes if they do come. I get what all of you are saying tho. It puts the responsibilty on their shoulders to face their own bigotry and we’d be guilt-free.
Post # 10
uncltredpearl: As with any invitation, ask yourself if you both want the person there to share with you the moment of taking your vows. If you do want that person there, then invite them. If they decline, its their loss!
Post # 11
If they have been openly hostile, then I wouldn’t extend the invitation. If you suspect they simply silently disapprove, I’d invite them. Seeing your wedding may even encourage them to be more open to gay marriage.
Post # 12
I would invite them and be the bigger person.
Post # 13
I attended a friend’s wedding a few months ago, and they were in a similar situation. They invited all their family members, even those that had been vocally against their relationship in the past. Unfortunately, my friend’s family decided not to attend. BUT, her wife’s family did! They were 99%sure that her family wouldn’t come, and not only did they show, they were taking pictures, getting involved (in a good way) and just being awesome. I think the reality kicked in for them when the received the invitations, and they truly understood that she was serious about getting married, and she was happy.
Unless you feel that they will be disruptive, give them the benefit of the doubt and invite them. I wouldn’t get too hopeful, given their past behavior, but they might surprise you. Plus in the event that they don’t show up, you know you gave them the opportunity to be involved.
Post # 14
For me a wedding is about surrounding yourself with people who love and support you, your partner and your marriage. If these people do not support you and your life choices then why would you want them at your wedding? At your wedding which they don’t believe you should be having?
Don’t compromise your principles for the sake of doing what is expected. Invite who you want to invite to your wedding and forget about anybody who doesn’t accept you for who you are.
Post # 15
On one hand, I’d love to say be the bigger person and invite them.
But this is your wedding, and IMHO, anyone who doesn’t support your relationship needs to GTFO.
Congratulations on your wedding!