Invite mean, manipulative, dramatic future in-laws?

posted 3 years ago in Family
  • poll: What do you think?
    Don't invite them. Period. : (30 votes)
    34 %
    Don't invite them unless they change for the better. : (20 votes)
    23 %
    Invite them, but ask them not to come unless they support us & won't cause a scene. : (24 votes)
    28 %
    Other described below. : (13 votes)
    15 %
  • Post # 4
    Member
    5199 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Honstly, I think some of what you’ve described here doesn’t make a lot of sense.  How, for example, could it be that they’ve been mad at you and refused to talk to you since you got engaged, but at the saem time you were planning to go over there for Christmas and thought all was fine?  Much of this is for “no reason” but they are demanding apologies?  Sounds like there might be another side to this story.

    I suggest a thrid option.  Deal with your drama with the family.  Get it worked out so that hopefully they can attend and have it be a happy occasion.  As you said, you guys had no problem for 1.5 years.  

    Post # 5
    Member
    5932 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    @Shkragoldfish:  Love, hate or otherwise, these people are going to be family….and regardless of how badly they behave or mistreat you, that never justifies behaving badly in return….it only reflects badly on you and in spite of your reasons, makes you and your FI look punitive and petty. 

    There is no way under the sun to extend a conditional invitation to anyone, and it is time for you and your FI to reach the understanding, that no matter what happens or does not happen at your wedding, not a single person in attendance has the power to ruin that for you, if you do not give it to them.

     

    Post # 6
    Member
    1980 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: May 2013

    How long have you known them?

    Post # 7
    Member
    11772 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: May 2013

    If they will be part of your married life together, I think they should be invited to the wedding.

    If they can’t behave at your wedding, how are they going to behave with your kids? What about when they need elderly care? Unless you uys are planning on cutting them out 100%, they’re going to be a part of your lives forever. So I would invite them.

    Post # 8
    Member
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    As I see it you have 3 Choices…

    1- Work on repairing this relationship (and oh ya, I would NEVER take a 3rd Party Message from someone on Christmas Day as being enough of a reason to NOT show up… when I had planned to.  I would imagine that your NOT Going has created additional DRAMA in your relationship with his Parents and not less)

    2- Maintain the stance you seem to be taking in this post… DO NOT INVITE THEM… and thereby OPENLY SNUB them in your lives and most importantly infront of other people… (that is going to go far for repairing any damage to date Undecided *rolls eyes*)

    3- OR Elope.  Thereby doing whatever it is you want… without worrying about ANY ONE ELSE’s feelings in regards to your Marriage / Relationship

    Personally, considering one assumes you are going to be married to this man for a lifetime, I’d be probably choosing # 1 or # 3… And # 1 would go the farthest to making things easier down the road than the other 2.

     Hope this helps,

     

    Post # 9
    Member
    1311 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: January 1994

    I don’t know a lot of background to your situation, or if there are any parts from their side that might cause them to dislike you. So, I don’t know if I will be able to really comment in that regard. I do think that often times there are hard feelings for good reason, so try and consider things from their perspective to see if there is anything you two might be able to work on. With that said, I know firsthand that not all families are functional and rational. I really dislike my family for a variety of reasons, and they think I am unreasonable. I know I am actually a very reasonable person, and I simply got tired of being treated badly, and only wanted to invite functional relationships into my life that I felt were mutually beneficial. I don’t have room in my life for the dysfunction. 

    One of the reasons my husband and I eloped was because we didn’t want to deal with the family drama. But, had we hosted a traditional wedding, I don’t think we would have invited my father and his wife. I gave them more than enough opportunities for them to make ammends, and they did not. Don’t feel obligated to invite them. They will probably just cause a scene anyways and otherwise bring negativity to your day from the sound of it. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    863 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: October 2014

    @cbgg:  + 1. This story isn’t making a lot of sense. They must have had some reason to stop speaking to you, even if it was total bullshit. 

    Post # 13
    Member
    6048 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: March 2012

    I’d invite them.  IF for no other reason than not to give them more ammo against you.  Think of it as a last ditch effort.  If they make a scene at the wedding it won’t be you two that looks horrific, it wil lbe them.  It could go fine though.  A friend of mine had security at her wedding to keep her parents, who were on their 3rd year of trying to work out their divorce, from trying to physically kill each other. Nothing happened, they both behaved and the whole thing went off without a hitch. 

     

    It could work out, all their relatives will be there, and FI’s parents do not want people to see them being nuts.  If they do make a scene, I’d see if you can have them escorted out, but at least you tried. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    9532 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: August 2013

    This all seems very odd. People almost never do anything “for no reason at all”. You may not agree with their reasons, but I bet they have them. Withouut knowing what they’re upset about it’s hard to give helpful advice. But I would see it as an absolute last resort to not invite them. They’re his parents. Not inviting them would probably hurt this relationship permanently, which would be really hard for me. What does your fiance say about all this?

    Also, I’m also confused as to how you know some of these things if they aren’t speaking to you. Nobody – especially your fiance – should be telling you that your FILs are making faces at your name. He shoulld defent you to them and then not repeat that to you, becausee that doesn’t help annything.

    Post # 15
    Member
    1362 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2014 - Turf Valley

    I would invite them to just be the better person.  As other posters mentioned, not inviting them will inevitably make this problem much worse than it is now, and possibly cause irreversible damage to your relationship with them.

    Is it possible to have someone close to you, whom you trust, to “keep an eye” on your in-laws in case they start getting loud?  Possibly leading them away from you and FI if this happens?

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