Post # 1
I’ve been unable to decide on this for almost a year now, so I thought I would bring it to your bees for some opinions on the matter.
My parents were divorced when I was 9 years old. When I turned 14, my father started dating a woman. Let’s call her “A.” So Dad dates A for the next 7 years, until I’m 21 years old. (Pretty formative years.) A and I, and her kids, all got really close over those 7 years. We all assumed they would get married eventually.
After A and Dad broke up, I kept a relationship with A. I visit her now-and-again, hang with her kids every so often, and we’re all facebook friends. I consider them some sort of extended family.
Now, my Dad is getting married this summer to “B.” B is a really nice person, but I don’t really know her that well. She started dating my Dad after I was an adult, so I haven’t spent that much time with her. I really like her a lot, and she is PERFECT for my Dad. Dad and A never actually seemed like a great fit for each other. She is super type A (no pun intended) and he is super laid back.
Anyway, I really want to invite A and the kids to my wedding because they are like family to me. If my Dad didn’t have a SO, I really wouldn’t care how he felt about it. But I am worried that B would feel really uncomfortable with A there. I know I would feel uncomfortable being around my new hubbie’s ex. I’m considering talking to B about it. Trouble is, I know that B is a super sweetheart. She will probably say it is fine and it doesn’t bother her, but I know it will.
So do I ditch A and the kids for the feelings of B (who I barely know and will probably never know) or do I hurt B’s feelings (who is married to my Dad and could quite possibly be for the rest of their lives.)
Thoughts? Anyone else gone through this??
Post # 3
I’d ask your dad what he thinks. B might be really sweet and tell you that you can invite A, but your dad might have a better sense of what B really thinks.
Post # 4
I thought about that, but my Dad isn’t the most ‘in-touch’ kind of guy. Besides, the issue isn’t how she’ll really feel. I KNOW how she’ll really feel. She’ll probably be upset and uncomfortable. The issue is whether I should sacrifice inviting A to keep B happy…
Post # 5
I would do whatever felt right to me regarding who I wanted at my wedding and let the adults figure it out.
Post # 6
- Wedding: February 2013 - Mansion House at the MD Zoo
I would also talk to A. She may feel uncomfortable as well–I am very close with my ex’s parents, but would feel uncomfortable going to his wedding, for instance. She may not want to come and feel more comfortable celebrating with you and your Fiance after the wedding itself.
Also how big is your wedding–if it’s 300 people and you can seat them apart it’ll be less awkward than if you’re just having 50 or 60 so they can’t semi-avoid one another if they prefer.
Are A and your dad in contact at all still?
Post # 7
- Wedding: July 2012 - Baltimore Museum of Industry
I would talk to B- it sounds like she’s a mature adult, who would be able to handle it.
It’s really not that hard to ignore people at a wedding. Has she even met A/would she know who she is?
My divorced parents sat in the same row at our wedding, with my Step-mom and Mom’s “boy”friend (almost 80, but you get the point)- B might be okay with this.
And I agree with PP- also talk to A- *she* might be the one who’s not comfortable with the situation.
Post # 8
This is your wedding and this isn’t just your dad’s ex, it’s a woman who you grew up with for 7 years. I think B should be able to put her feelings aside and be an adult about it and I’m sure it wouldn’t bother her. I probably wouldn’t seat them at the same table, though. 🙂
Post # 9
FH’s parents divorced when he was 7, five years later he dated a woman for nine years, and then four years after that remarried another woman. The second woman he dated is coming to our wedding – she’s been an awesome friend to FH and his brother and she’s one of my favorite people in his family, even though she isn’t really in his family 🙂 We didn’t consult or talk to FH’s dad about it first and I don’t think he cares.
Post # 10
I know A would want to come. The problems lie in the fact that the wedding is small. About 60 people. And I know that A still has a thing for my Dad. If anything, I would be afraid that she would pay a little too much attention to him that night.
Another weird twist is that my Dad met both A and B at work. B is the only one who still works there, but A and B worked together for years while my Dad was dating A, and then for a short time after while my Dad was dating B. So they definitely know each other.
I think I’ll probably end up talking to A first, (that was a good idea that I honestly hadn’t even thought of!) and then I’ll probably take B out for lunch and talk to her about it, too.
I really appreciate all these thoughts and opinions! I’d love to hear more!
Post # 11
Why should B have a problem with it? She’s his woman now, she’s got the prize. The person who might be uncomfortable is A, but if she’s going to come to the wedding she needs to deal with B being with your father.
I’ve been through almost the same thing, except in my case A was my mother and she had to go through the pain of seeing my dad with his new wife B at two of their children’s weddings. Since your dad and B are married, I don’t think she’ll go bothering him. Yes, invite A since you are still close to her. Just sit them well apart and trust them to behave. Worked for us!
Post # 12
Oh man, that’s hard.
I was the new woman, and My FI’s niece was getting married. FI’s SIL was also his exwife’s first cousin. I was stressed the whole time wondering if she had been invited and if she would be there. Fiance and I had just moved in together. I was meeting the extend family for the first time. I felt so awkward. They did not invite the ex. And I should have been able to handle it. But, honestly, I was so uncomfortable I could die. I hated every minute of being there. I did show and tried to be pleasant, but spent the whole time looking around to see if she was there.
Post # 13
- Wedding: May 2013 - Pavilion overlooking golf course scenery, reception at banquet hall
It’s your wedding, invite all who were a big part of your life. They will all understand who is likely to be invited, and if they have a problem they can choose to stay home. I think it’s rude to exclude a mother figure of yours in order to make someone you barely know more comfortable. It’s her problem, not yours. Your situation sounds almost identical to mine, in terms of dads wives, except I positively can’t stand my A lol.
Post # 14
Invite A. B will understand.
Post # 15
I think you should invite them.
As to whether you should speak to B about it, I’m not certain. If you explain to her that this woman was important to you and you have a good relationship, she’ll likely understand. But you also run the risk of making it too big a deal, where B may not have seen it as such in the first place. So I guess the advice on that would be to guage how much you think B knows of the situation. You’re not inviting A because she once dated your dad. You’re inviting her because you consider a member of your family.
My fiance’s best “man” is a woman he dated 7 or 8 years ago, but was friends with her for about 5 years prior to that, and then again from about a year after they dated. They were wrong for each other, should have never dated, but are very close friends. She and I have also become close since he and I have been together. I persoally don’t feel threatened by exes, so I’m probably projectng that personal feeling into my view of the situation.
Post # 16
Just seat them well apart!