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FI has a friend that he has known for his whole life, they dated on an off all the way through school (beginnig in 5th grade!). They last dated in the year prior to FI and I dating.
I met this girl before I met FI, and I liked her b/c she was just fine. She was whatever. I had nothing against her b/c I didn't know her that well.
But since I've known her for the past 2-3 yrs, I just keep seeing what a mean girl she is. I don't want to get into specifics jsut for my sake of typing, but she is a very very mean girl and I do not EVER hear one good thing about her. And everytime this girl is brought up in convo, FI and I begin to argue. Sometimes I need to bite my tongue though, so its partially my fault.
I don't want her at the wedding. Period. Problem is that she is in the group of friends. FI and I share the same group of friends. If she's not invited, it'll be such a catastrophe. FI wants her to come. I can't stand her, and IDK what to do.
I want to put my foot down and say NO that she can't come, but I'm just scared about it. She already thinks she is invited, she's spoked to both FI and I on different occasions about our wedding. My loathing for her keep growing because I keep hearing tons of bad things that she is doing to other people, AND she is FI's ex (and thats just weird, sorry). She's the only girl he's ever emotionally and somewhat physically been with prior to me.
OH AND she tagged along w/ us to a very small low budget wedding over the summer.. all she did was complain about how stupid the wedding was, how she wanted it to be over, that there was no alcohol for her to get wasted on for free, and how love isn't real.
She's just going to bring so much negative energy to my day.. I know it.
That is tough because it seems like you can't easily not invite her!
When you discuss this when your FI what does he say? Would there be a big kerfuffle among your groups of friends if she is not invited?
It kinda seems like it might just be easier to invite her but I totally understand where you are coming from not wanting her there!
Of course you can easily not invite her. A "NO EX" rule would be a pretty clean line to draw, and I don't think people could really judge you for it. You would just need to convince your FI, though, which seems like it might be harder.
This one is definitely tougher than the other post about whether to invite BM's enemy.
If it were MY wedding, I'd say no way is she coming. I don't invite my ex's to my wedding, and I would expect my FI to do the same. I agree with you that it's just a bit weird to have an ex, especially someone who seemed to have been very special to him (emotionally and physically) before. I know the past is the past, but it doesn't mean it never happened.
The problem, I think, is that he has been in touch with her with the group of friends. It'd be weird to not invite her, either, as it'd be very obvious that she's not welcome and you don't like her, etc. etc. If I were in your situation, I'd hope that your FI would respect your wishes and be understanding of your position.
I'd hate to be married and knowing that she was there. I might be harsh but it's just my opinion and how I feel. I hope your FI supports you in this and not defend her.
I think having a "no exes" policy is the only way to get out of it. Can you talk to him frankly about it and tell him it makes you really uncomfortable without ripping into her personally? Sounds like a tough situation. Hope it works out in your favor :)
I agree, a No Exes policy seems like the best way to handle it. You should tell your FI how uncomfortable she makes you! What happiness is he hoping to gain from having her there? Just not causing a stir amongst his friends? Surely they'd understand a no exes policy!
Just say no! :) I understand it's weird because she is in the same group of friends. But it's YOUR day...and...need I say more?
I wouldn't invite her - I don't think it should be a problem, and to be honest, I think your FI should understand that you're uncomfortable having his ex there.
Perhaps you can point out how uncomfortable she makes you feel? I would hope that he would understand, and would agree not to invite her to the special day. He of all people should be willing to say "ok, she can't come", if/after you make him aware of why you don't want her there, and that she makes you uncomfortable.
I could see if she were just an acquaintance, and you probably wouldn't encounter her, but she sounds like a negative person and also someone that would make a point to slight you because she is the ex...
Maybe you can "lose" her invite...
I think it's not appropriate for her to be there b/c she's the long term ex gf.
And that's the stance you should take.
Life is far too short to invite a frenemy to a day celebrating the creation of your new family. It's sacred and tainting it by having that kind of person there is not needed imho.
I agree with the previous posters about the "No Exes" rule. You guys can be all "I'm sorry, that's just the way we wanted to do things" and leave it at that. Clean-cut and simple.
I also find this really inappropriate. Why should a long time ex be at YOUR wedding?? I would never allow this. Its not even so much you hate her, but theres no need for your fiances past girlfriend to be there period. You have the right to say no and you should. Youre not inviting your ex boyfriends are you?
I am not inviting my exes no wayyy! I'm not friendly with any of them anyway. There IS a friend that I have (who moved to FL a few yrs ago, we're in PA) that FI basically said "Do not invite him". So.. I'm not. But that's a little bit different.
I have told him before, "If I ever hear she's talking sh** on me, she's not coming." And I put my foot down there. But.. ahah that was in a text msg "argument". I am afraid of putting FI in a bad spot, and I really don't want to stir the pot. I cringe when I think about her sitting at my ceremony rolling her eyes at our happiness (that is apparently fake in her world).. I'd like to talk to FI about it, I guess I don't know how to approach it without causing an argument.
I'm pretty sure he knows I don't want her there, and I don't give a crap what she thinks about me, but I don't want to cause issues b/t our friends and FI. When they all found out she wasn't invited, it would *in a way* ruin my reputation w/in my group of friends.
I dont see why your FI should be upset if you tell him you dont want her there. He should care about your feelings first youre his future wife! I think thats sad if he cares more about pleasing friends or having her there. If he knows it would upset you for her to be there he shouldnt invite her!
Yep, just draw a nice firm "No exes" line and stick to it.
I'd be more worried about talking to FI about it than about her or other friends though. His opinion matters a whole lot more than theirs do.
When you go to mail the invitations, her invite could maybe get "lost"???
Sorry, if my fiance wanted to invite an ex, I would not marry him. Exes should not be allowed.
On the other hand, you could suggest to your fiance that you could invite one of your exes to be her escort. Just a thought.
This is a tough one.
I definitely disagree with any mindset that your fiance should "just" care about your feelings, and not invite anyone you don't want there. That sort of logic goes both ways - why can't you "just" care about his feelings, and not argue with his guest list?
I also disagree with "no exes" policies as just a broad, sweeping rule. People's relationships with their exes are different. To just make your partner share the same attitude towards his exes that you have towards yours is just silly.
That being said, I understand that this girl sounds like a real negative force, and you don't really want someone like that at your wedding. And I certainly think you can broach that idea with your fiance. I would do so less by focusing on the same arguments you've had in the past about your feelings that she is a "bad" person, and focus instead on her behavior at the other wedding, and how you honestly feel she would behave similarly and really bring down your happy day.
But, end of the day, if it was important to him to have her there, I would just invite her. The way you have presented this, it almost seems ridiculous not to. It may cause a fight with your fiance, it may put him in an uncomfortable position with his friends, and it may impact your relationship with many of your friends. All to keep ONE person from simply not being at your wedding. You'll have a lot going on that day, and, believe me, one annoying girl isn't going to crush your happiness. Years from now, you likely will not remember her being there at all. But if you persist in fighting to get her off the guest list, you may very well remember for years to come all the fall out... because it may permanently change many friendships for you and your fiance. In a way, you are letting this girl cause more bad vibes in your life by trying to stop her. Sometimes, it's best to just turn the other cheek, and not let people like that drag you down.
We didn't have this exact issue at our wedding, but we did invite a guest (female friend of my husband's) that has a reputation for being vocally negative about EVERYTHING. I have also suspected that she has feelings for my husband, but I'm not 100% on that. During our planning, she made comments to other people about what she thought we were doing "wrong".
Suffice to say, while I really didn't want her at our wedding, it wasn't a battle I considered worth fighting. My husband considered her a friend, and wanted her to be there. She may not have been the nicest person to me, but I couldn't deny that she wanted to support my husband and be there to share on a special day in his life. So I sucked it up.
And on the day of, I honestly didn't really notice her. I was too focused on my new husband and laughing and having fun with everyone that I didn't even think about her beyond the "Thank you for coming" conversation. From what we've heard, she had a good time and didn't make too many negative comments.
I know your situation is different from ours, but maybe thinking of it from the perspective that she probably wants to support at least your husband, and his really long friendship with her, might be enough to consider allowing her to come.
Hmm, I'm surprised by the number of posts that say they wouldn't allow an ex at their wedding. My Ex and I were together for 5 years and lived together and I was invited to his wedding and he will be invited to mine.
I think the "no ex's" rule is a cop-out and the truth of the matter is that you really are not fond of this girl (and it seems that is putting it mildly) and she will make you uncomfortable at your own wedding. Shouldn't that be enough if you explain that to your FI? It's the only day the two of you will ever have that is truly about the two of you, shouldn't your feelings be more important than hers, or your cirlce of friends that you share? If it were me, I'd not invite her and not think twice about what our friends would think. If they like her so much, they can have her to their own weddings... I sort of got the impression that you were more concerned with it becoming an issue amongst your friends and not so much that you or FI really, really wanted her there. If he REALLY wants her there as his friend, maybe you'll have to let this one slide. I think the compromise should be made between the two of you though, with your honest feelings shared and your other friends should have no impact on the decision and don't worry about the catastophe from her talking with friends, etc.
This is def a tough situation. If your FI really wants her their, it will be hard to veto that. But if he has vetoed a possible guest of yours, could you make her your veto? I like the no-ex's policy, but this is harder, since she hangs out in the same group of friends. I also think that if the group of friends looks negatively on YOU for not inviting her than they aren't very nice people, they should understand where you're coming from, as it is YOUR wedding, not theirs or hers. If I were in your shoes, I would be saying no way in h*ll. I think you need to discuss with your FI why you don't want her their, she makes you uncomfortable, she's mean, etc. Hopefully, he will see your side of things. Maybe bring up an ex that you would like to invite, I know you said you don't want to, just ask him how he would feel about it, if you wanted to invite an ex.
It is not clear from your post whether your FI really wants her there, or just feels pressured to invite her because she is part of that group of friends. If he really wants here, I'd just go ahead and invite her. Like realeastcoaster says, on your wedding day you are so busy and it is hard to find the time to talk to all the people you WANT to talk to, let alone ones you don't like! If your FI doesn't want to invite her but is only doing so due to peer pressure, then the "no exes" rule is what you can tell that group of friends if they ask why she wasn't invited.
My husband and I had a 1-veto rule... we each got to give one simple "no" to someone that the other person wanted to invite - no justifications necessary, just "I don't want them at my wedding." It kind of sounds like your FI has already exercised his veto right. I think "no exes" is a good justification to your friends if they ask, but honestly, I think it ought to be enough to say to your FI, "she makes me uncomfortable and I will have a better day if she's not there."
I honestly think you'll be so high on wedding-happiness you won't notice she's there. Just sit her in the back. 
I'm torn between just inviting her and putting her in the worst seat in the house or calmly discussing this with your FI and just let him know how uncomfortable you are with her being there.
If you are going the route of not inviting her, I think you need to just have a CALM talk with your FI without starting an argument. Point out that there was someone who you wanted to invite, that he didn't want there, and it wasn't even a question in your mind. B/c your FI was uncomfortable with it, you didn't invite him. Ask him for the same courtesy with this girl. She's his long term ex, and you have an issue with her. You don't want her pulling down your day.
On the other side of things, who cares if she rolls her eyes and complains to your friends the entire time? She's the one who looks insensitive and will be annoying to them. The more her true colors show, the more people will realize she's really not a fun person to be around...
This is very easy, DO NOT invite her, if you do your day wouldnt be perfect and you deserve a perfect day, it only happens once in a lifetime and we all want our wedding day as perfect as possible, too bad for her. Hell no i would let an ex come to our wedding, there is no way, ask him if the tables were turned how he would feel about it. Sometimes men dont think like that, they think everything is ok if they do it but not for us. Trust me girl, its your big day and you dont want any negative karma there!!!!
And, im actually not inviting my WHOLE group of friends to my wedding because we had to cut our guest list to save money on other things, and these are friends i grew up with, just because you invite a couple friends doesnt mean you have to invite the whole group. People know that the economy sucks now and spending a fortune on a wedding doesnt make sense especailly for mean exes to eat at the wedding
UPPPPPPPPDATE!
You guys are so supportive, thank you! I talked to FI last night, we had the "mature adult" conversation. I couldn't let it go because FSIL disclosed to me that upon our engagement, this girl told her that FI didn't really need to be with me, he wouldn't be happy with me, I wasn't right for FI, etc etc. She didn't give specifics though. FSIL said to her, "Well who are you to tell my brother what's going to make him happy?" to which this girl replied, "That's not happiness" and walked away.
Obviously she was some sort of jealous at that point.
But I called FI and I told him everything I was feeling about it, leaning more on how her negativity at the wedding would make the day slightly less enjoyable for me and that wasn't acceptable. When it came to the "no exes" rule, FI told me it was "petty" and "irrelevant". When it comes to the fact that she's his ex, I feel ok about her coming (oddly) just b/c I know now that she is so far away from what he wants, because of her narcissistic and cold hearted personality.
He didn't specifically say, "I want her there" or "I'm only inviting her to keep peace". He refuses to say why he wants her there, but I'm pretty sure its to "keep the peace" because he kept talking about how not inviting her would put him in an awkward position. He said, "If everyone knew you guys don't like each other, then it would be different," b/c then she wouldn't be invited b/c her and I don't get along". Now I'm thinking I should make it known that I think she stinks hahahaa. (Probably won't really do that!)
We didn't come to any conclusion, I told him just to sit on it, and we still have lots of time. I was as honest as I could be, and it was a really good convo actually.
I still feel like she's coming though. I can't imagine her not coming unless her and I have a falling out. So I was thinking maybe we could only invite her to the reception, and not the ceremony. I could settle on that. It seems like there's no way to meet in the middle of these 2 opposing sides b/c it's either she comes or she doesn't. Would only inviting her to the reception be really rude? She'd be the only one not invited to the ceremony... so, I don't think it'll work that well. I can't figure out how to comprimise on this, unless I make it known to everyone that I don't like her, and then they will naturally understand why she isn't invited.
I don't know if I'm ready to take that road though, she's very nasty when it comes to "enemies" and I don't think she really knows how I feel about her...
At least I told FI exactly how I felt in a calm and rational conversation.
I find it kind of crazy that so many people think its ok to invite an ex to your wedding! Im sorry I just dont think an ex has anyplace at your wedding or your new life. Why do people insist on keeping them around, its not good for any relationship. In your case I actually think its really sad how insistant your FI is on inviting her eventhough she doesnt think you belong together( as if her opinion counts anyway). Im sorry but I kind of think thats bs that he wants to invite her to "keep the peace". Someone else argued that he shouldnt just have to care about your feelings but you should also care about his guest count. This was shocking to me. Honestly if inviting his ex is more important than you being comfortable at his wedding you both have some thinkinging to do. I would be very upset if my FI was pushing so hard to invite an ex.
Glad you guys talked. This seems very straightforward to me. People who tell your fiance that he shouldn't be with you should not be at your wedding. I would just focus by how hurt you were by her attitude towards your relationship and do not want her at a celebration of that relationship. I hope you can figure something out!
I think that it's kind of crazy that after she talked trash about yours and his relationship to you FSIL (props to her for telling you about it), that he still thinks it's ok to invite this chick! To me, this calls for him to talk to her about how hurtful she is towards other people, and that's the reason she's not invited to the wedding!
BUT - if he's doing this to keep the peace, and your other friends in your group are definitely seeing how horrible she is to others, I think she's the one making an idiot out of herself. My thought is that if he won't budge on inviting her, then you can seat her way in the back of the reception hall. I would still invite her to the ceremony, and just ignore her. Seriously...the day is about you, not her! And anyone who bashes the bride and groom on their wedding day is usually looked down upon at any wedding I go to. I tend to distance myself from the people who are making the wedding a drag and hang out with those who are truly happy for the couple!
I'm going to revise my answer here in light of your new post. If my FI had a random ex that had gone on and on about how I wasn't right for him and he didn't need to be with me, I would put my foot down. Sorry, but that person would have no place at my wedding, regardless of whether I had to spend time with her or not. It's your wedding, so of course you have to decide which battles are worth it and which aren't. But I do think you are 100% to in your rights to veto this guest. I don't think exes in and of themselves are a no-no, but an ex who obviously didn't support my marriage (or at least keep her comments to herself!) would be out of the picture ASAP!!
To be honest, I wouldn't worry about her coming too much. I don't know how big your wedding will be but we had 130 or so people at ours and it would have been incredibly easy for me to avoid people I didn't want to see. (Actually I did. There was some drama about my MIL's friend inviting her ex-BIL and his wife since her husband couldn't come and to this day I have no idea if they were there or not.) Let her come to keep the peace and odds are you won't even have to see her for more than a couple minutes.
Also, I do understand if this isn't what you wanted to hear. It's definitely not feedback that I would have liked when I was planning. You can see in my old thread here that I wasn't exactly graceful about it. Now that I'm on the other side though, I can see that it really wasn't that big of a deal and I'm glad I just went with it.
Wow, now that you've posted that this girl has been trash-talking your relationship, I am changing my vote to "do not invite".
It will be awkward if it becomes known that you don't like each other, but she obviously doesn't feel the same way if she's spouting this kind of crap to people like FSIL. If people ask you why she's not invited, simply say "She has made it clear that she doesn't support our marriage and thinks I'll make him unhappy."
If these people are really your friends, they should understand that, and if they don't, they're not really good friends.
AH I'm in such a similar situation!! Except with FI's ex, she's put me in such awkward situations by specifically addressing me. She's married and once called him to confess that she had a dream about him that made her think she still had feelings for him, but that it wasn't meant as anything, she just felt the need to confess (UMMMM, what?). Shedumped him, so I also feel like FI's competitiveness has sometimes resulted in the "just wanting to know I could get her" attitude (nothing at all serious, just purely knowing your ex wants you being somehow rewarding kind of thing). But it's almost the opposite of your situation where she talks about how glad she is we're together, etc.
But I'll tell you, I think I'm finally putting my foot down-and you should do the same! If for no other reason than you want the day to be positive. I don't want to have to deal with her on my wedding day, even if it's brief and I barely even see her. I feel like the fact that it makes you uncomfortable is enough-maybe you could express to your FI that if he felt this way about someone you'd prefer to invite, you wouldn't invite him/her. It isn't like she's his sister or any other relative.
If it actually comes up with friends, you can always be honest and say something like, "she wasn't supportive of our relationship".
I'm glad that you talked things over and got your feelings out in the air, but I still think you shouldn't have this girl at your wedding! The guests at your wedding should be people who support your marriage, not girls who talk behind your back!
Can FSIL talk to FI? Does he know about this conversation with his sister? I can't imagine that this piece of information wouldn't change things a bit in his mind. Also, who cares if people know that you two don't get along? They probably already DO know, because if this girl is telling FSIL that she doesn't think you two are a good match, she more than likely has told other people. And why does FI care so much about what his friends think? Why is he so afraid of rocking the boat a little? Whose happiness is more important- yours or this girl's?
As far as the "invite the ex/don't invite the ex" I think it depends on the ex. If you and your ex have a friendly relationship AND they are totally supportive of your marriage, just like any other friend I think it's totally fine to invite them.
If it makes you feel any better, I am excluding two girls who are "ex-friends" from my wedding, and literally every single other person that those two girls are friends with are coming to my wedding. I would never dream of inviting them, and I care not if anyone thinks I am mean or knows that I don't like them.
With the new tidbit of information, I do not think she should be at the wedding.
I 100% agree with everything posted above by Miss Root, she literally took the words out of my mouth before I could come type them myself.
Wow, tough one and everyone's brought up really good points. My thoughts are that although it will cause some issues, it's a special day for you, and if you detest her and her being there will affect you negatively, don't invite her. A "no ex" rule might be the easy way to deal with it.
Based on everything you have said, it seems like the easiest thing to do would just be to invite her. It will definitely stir up trouble if you don't invite her, and only inviting her to the reception presents numerous problems: mainly, how do you tell someone they are only invited to the reception?
When it comes down to it, she's only going to put a damper on your day if you let her. There will be so many people there who love and support you--just focus on them during the wedding! And put your MOH and bridesmaids on alert so that if she tries to act like a brat they can put her in her place. :)
I am in a similar situation. My FI's sisters have a close friend who is so snarky and passive toward me. She is head over heels crushing on FI and has for ever. He is oblivious and she flirts it up and is so rude to me. As annoying as it is, no one else seems to get it.
His mom insists we invite her since she has been a "part of their family" since the girls were little. ughh.
We'll see, at this point I am not inviting her
After the new info about how the ex feels about your relationship, I stand firmer on not inviting her to your wedding. Like pp said, a wedding is to celebrate the union of a couple, she has no place to be there if she feels that way. It doesn't matter if you'd notice her at the wedding or not. I personally believe in not keeping in touch with ex's if I can help it, but I also understand that each ex/situation is unique, and everyone has different values and opinions. If this ex is now just a good friend to your FI and support your wedding, then I don't see as much of a problem if you can handle it, but based on what your FSIL said the ex said, there is definitely some kind of jealousy going on (and why? probably b/c she was an ex no matter how you look at it.). This is where I agree with dancer22.
I am actually a little annoyed with your FI, tbh. I guess I don't have a high tolerance for this. Can he honestly understand how you feel? Would he honestly feel the same way if your roles were reversed? I'd be very annoyed with my FI if he were to even keep in touch with an ex who apparently doesn't respect our relationship. I don't even see the need to "keep peace" with an ex like this.
I "3rd" MissRoot's response.
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