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Wow, it definitely sounds like your sister's husband is (at least) emotionally abusive--trying to isolate your S.O. is a HUGE red flag. I really hope she gets help. Does your sister have any idea of your concerns? If you can is there any way to voice your concerns?
As for the wedding: On one hand, I wouldn't want this guy at my wedding, but if you don't allow him to come your sister (and MOH) might miss it as well. What would bother you more? Having him there or not having your sister there?
Wishing you and your sister all the best!
Have you talked to your sister about this yet? If not, I would start there. Maybe he doesn't even want to be part of your day (who knows!?!) It could be a non-issue and just something you're stressing about for no reason!
Just let her know that he makes you uncomfortable, and that the way he has treated your family in the past upsets you and makes you weary of what he could do on the wedding day.
As for your questions about if my FI has ever told one of my friends she looked hot.. Yes. He has. I have a few friends who doubt themselves and how great they are.. and he's said it to make them feel better about themselves before going out on the town or a date. I'm not threatened, but I can see how it could be creepy in your case. My friends later told me that it was nice to have someone say something nice to them, because they forgot what it was like. Like I said, he didnt do it in a creepy way.. it was more like "You look hot! Knock him dead!" lol, if that makes sense.
However, my FFIL told me i looked hot once.. and that was super creepy. FI had a talk with him, right away. Yuck.
I could ask her not to bring him but she might say that she wont go then or her husband wont let her go bc he is a jerk. But they are married and that means they should be invited together. I would invite him rather than lose your MOH/sister/bff on your wedding day. If you're lucky he wont come.
Invite your sister... he's isolated her enough, don't let his horrible personality isolate her from your wedding! That's probably part of his goal or plan.
What you could possibly do is engage the help of your friends and family and let them know that you don't want this particular fellow near you during the wedding. They can then help to keep him distracted and out of the way... but hopefully subtly.
If that's not possible, then for your sister's sake, please try to endure his presence.
Don't endanger your sister by letting him know how much you dislike him or how much you don't want him there... then he'll work extra hard to keep her away. Or he'll throw a fit at the last second so that she can't come... actually, there's a thought. Maybe keep one of your bridesmaids prepared as backup MOH?
Do you think your fiance could help with the situation as well?
Invite him to get the hell out of your and your sister's life:).Attachment is a joke of course and I would never really want anyone to go to hell...
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@LisaC: As much as I hate to say it, I think you have to bite the bullet and invite him. Aside from the fact that its rude to invite only one half of a married couple, the far larger reason here is that if you snub him, he'll just use it as yet another reason to try to further alienate your sister from your family.
It stinks and I'm sorry but good luck.
I agree that you need to invite him, unfortunately. Just give some people (groomsmen maybe?) a heads up about him in case he acts inappropriately and someone needs to intervene.
Also, I know you didn't ask about this, but he sounds very mentally/emotionally abusive towards your sister.
http://peace4missing.ning.com/profiles/blogs/warning-signs-red-flags-gut
http://www.lilaclane.com/relationships/emotional-abuse/
I think that, more importantly, you need to talk to your sister, away from him, about this, and see if she won't admit to it. Often, the abusee can become very dependent on the abuser and make excuses for him ("blinded by love"), but on some level she DOES know that something is not right. Your sister needs help.
OMG, I was in a practically identical situation with my MOH. She's not my sister, but we have been like sisters since university, when she met this guy in our second year. He is older than her, and a real scumbag - I have truly been through the mill with them, there's trouble at every family event (I am godmother of both their children) the emotional abuse (was so bad that I could not believe it would be happening while I was there), the drunken brawls, everything! So when the time for my wedding came, I met her for lunch (about 10 months in advance) and told her he wouldn't be welcome at the wedding (FI loathes him, plus a lot of our mutual friends do as well). She burst into tears, but after an awful conversation promised me that this was her problem and she would resolve it by discreetly arranging for him not to come. I was happy with this arrangement. I reminded her of this arrangement at least three times in the months leading up to the wedding, and she seemed neither angry nor worried. Fast forward to three weeks before the wedding. She phones up, makes a huge scene, tells me she can't come unless I officially invite him, her father gets on the phone, also tells me they can't come unless i invite him - all talk of discretion forgotten - a huge scene ensues she tells me she can't make a public statement like that about the failure of her marriage (even though nobody at the wedding thinks anything else anyway). I got very upset, not ideal so close to the wedding - exactly what i was trying to avoid - so I caved and told her he was invited after all. Turns out he couldn't come anyway, because of work committments. However, I really don't know where the friendship has to go from here. On the morning of the wedding she missed her plane, so she ended up not being there until the afternoon and it was very awkward all day to see her parents who knew about the whole argument, and her as I now feel there is a sense of dishonesty between us. She knows how I feel about her relationship, and I can't keep pretending that I am happy about his abuse, or that I like him. It is difficult when children are involved, but I just can't understand why she's still with him, and why she just cannot see how awful he is. Maybe it isn't for me to understand at all, but I just can't see how we can move on from this.
In your case, it's even more difficult as this is your sister. I would invite him and hope for the best - maybe have a quiet word with her before the wedding, designate someone to watch him throughout the wedding so that if he gets fresh with anyone he could be removed discreetly. It is probably not worth jeopardising your relationship with your sister.
I'd say that your wedding is not the thing to make a stand on this over. She obviously needs help and for someone to say something, but disinviting him isn't going to get the results that you want. It will only serve to give him a reason to isolate her further - not to help her get out of his grip. You need to find a different way to help her!
Awww honey, I'd invite her. Unfortunately, she is your sister. Even if she was your best friend, I'd still invite her. It's not worth it. She probably feels bad already that EVERYONE knows what a douchebag her husband is, you don't need her to feel that her husband is not worthy of being at your wedding... even though he IS unworthy. Anyhow, I wish you luck.
Thank you all for your support and advice.
@Genesee: She obviously doesn't think there's a problem with her relationship. The few times I've tried to bring it up (since she's been married) she got really upset and said that I don't know anything about her relationship.
After he cursed at my mom, my sister and her husband got into a HUGE fight and she was on the verge of leaving him (I don't know if she would have actually gone through with it - no one wants to be a single mom right?). But he cried and begged her, said how wrong he was and that he would apologize to my mom. Of course, he never did and of course sister has forgiven him anyway - typical.
@allee2388: It sounds like your FI was trying to be nice, but for me I definitely got a creepy feeling when my sister's husband said those things to me!
@cherryshake: I'm glad your friend's loser BF didn't come to your wedding, but I'm sorry about your relationship with her now. Honestly, if it wasn't my sister, I don't think I would want to be friends with her anymore. It's just too painful and stressful. :(
OMG we are almost in the same shoes! My sister was my MOH and we for sure did not want or expect her to bring her abusive, druggie boyfriend. She lives with him on and off (probably for drugs) and the other times with my parents. We have called the cops on him before because he would beat her up, but she would never fess up to the cops the real story and went back to him anyway. I actually saw the physical bruises this guy did as well as her describing it and I just cannot believe how disgusting of a human being he is. He also introduced my sister to cocaine and now she is addicted. He is probably her dealer. He is also addicted to opiates and used his "trying to kick the habit" as an excuse to why he got angry and beat her up one time.
Anyway, we thought all was well on the wedding day until we get to the church. It's just my sister and I in the basement waiting for our turn to go upstairs to make our entrance. Guess who comes down to say hi? Her boyfriend! He tells me how beautiful I look (gag me), etc. She never told us she invited him and I was beyond LIVID a few minutes before I had to walk down the aisle. I asked her why and she just said that she didn't want to come alone. She just expected us to seat him at the head table for dinner too! I really wanted him kicked out but my dad just decided to let him stay as long as he wasn't causing any trouble. Fiance decided to seat him at the table furthest from us with 6 other people he didn't know. I think he basically just ate dinner and left. But we spent $250 on that bastard to eat our dinner. I can't believe my sister did that after she knows how we all feel about him. She was probably doing coke with him in the bathroom all those times she "disappeared" during the dinner. I tried not to let it bother me, but thinking about it now it still bothers me that she always gets her way.
I'm sorry, I don't have any advice for you, but I completely understand how you feel. Luckily my sister isn't married to him (yet). I can honestly say that if he were to die tomorrow I wouldn't care (and I might be glad) one bit. It's a tough spot to be in. I do not agree with her decisions in life. I don't know whether to support her (which might be enabling) or just cut her off. I feel like my parents (my mom mostly) are enablers by letting her come home whenever she wants, not making her get a job, etc. They still pay off her medical insurance, car insurance, etc in the hopes she will one day come to her senses. The whole situation just sucks.
@passionfruit23 - Thank you so much for sharing your story. It sounds like I am in the same boat as you. I'm sorry you had to go through that on your wedding day. That is exactly what I want to avoid.
Sometimes I feel like my sister is such a dumb@ss and deserves what she gets. I really wish I didn't care. I know it's the wrong attitude and that she needs support, but it's hard. I just don't understand why some girls stay in abusive relationships and cannot see what others see.
Anyway, it sounds like the majority thinks I should suck it up and invite the jerk. I kind of feel like it's inevitible since I really do want her at my wedding. I don't know that there is much else I can do. I'm almost certain he will show up if she comes. But, I'll see what happens and try not to let it bother me :/
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My sister is my matron of honor - she's my best friend and I love her to death. Problem is she's married to a scumbag who I absolutely do not want at my wedding.
Her husband is extremely controlling/possesive and emotionally abusive. He has successfully isolated her from all her friends and attempted to isolate her from her family as well.
He flirts with other girls and has even put moves on me before!! (i.e. "Lisa that dress would look hot on you" and "Oh you got a sexy hair cut"). Tell me bees, has your SO ever told your friend/sister she would look HOT in a dress?!?? If my sister were to confront him about any of this he would blow up, say she's blowing things out of proportion, and threaten to leave her and the kids, etc. She could never win a fight with him as he has the upper hand in the relationship.
Once, I brought my FI's 6 year old son (who I love like my own son) to visit my sister and her husband yelled at the 6 yr old for touching his kid's toys!!
A year ago Ellen (my sister) became very stressed so my mom started coming over once a week to help take care of her 2 kids (since her husband doesn't help at all with the kids). Well, husband didn't like this at all (he doesn't like any "outside influences" on Ellen). So he started REALLY nitpicking random things that my mom did or didn't do to get her to stop coming over. This ended up in a huge fight where he cursed at my mom and told her to get the F*CK out of his house and never come back.
My mom was enraged but devastated that should couldn't see her grandkids. Since that fight (6 months ago) things have "cooled down" a bit and she started coming over again, but he never apologized and it still extremely tense.
I don't know why, but Ellen is head over heels for this guy and blinded by love. (???)
So, here I am trying to decide what to do. I'm having a small intimate wedding of less than 50 people, only our very closest family and friends. It makes me sad to think my best friend in the world might not be a part of my wedding, but I absolutely do not want this scumbag to be there. (I mean, I'll puke if he tells me how hot I look and tries to hug me - what would I do then?? yuck).
I have considered asking her not to bring him, but I know that she would be very hurt if I did and he would never let her go alone anyway. I've even considered lying to her that it's a girls-only bridal shower and when she gets there, surprise! - it's my wedding! (Obviously not realistic).
What do I do bees?