Invite woes ~ help. Please. (long / sorry!)

posted 3 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: what do I do?
    invite her and suck it up while crushing my mother's heart : (4 votes)
    18 %
    stand up for myself and my family and remind the ILs that we agreed to her not being invited : (15 votes)
    68 %
    invite Jerry Springer and perhaps get an all expenses trip to a lovely padded room. : (3 votes)
    14 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    OK get let me get this right:

    1. Your brother slept with FI’s cousin and got her pregnant

    2. FI’s cousin had to go to court to get your brother to pay child support

    3. During the court case, the cousin’s mother said some nasty words about your brother and his family.

    4. You still want to invite the cousin’s mother, but not the cousin herself.

    Is that correct?

    Sorry I don’t think that’s valid reason to not invite someone who would otherwise be invited. Your fiance, not you, should be making the final decision on who gets invited from his family. (Unless there is a really extreme reason not to invite her, and I don’t think this is extreme enough. The cousin was certainly entitled to take your brother to court if he’s the father and isn’t paying support).

    Post # 4
    Member
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    As this is on the Etiquette Board… lol, and I am resident Etiquette Snob I’ll reply from that context.

    As the Host (in so much as your are paying the bigger portion) YOU CAN INVITED WHOMEVER YOU PLEASE

    Or not.

    You have FULL CONTROL over the Guest List

    The use of “AND FAMILY”… when it comes to Adult Invites is not proper Etiquette

    So your Inlaws are wrong on that front

    Adults get their own Invites

    “Cousin It” (love it… well not IT, but you get the idea) didn’t get an Invite so she isn’t invited.  Period.

    (Mind you it is always easier to make such an exclusion if it is the same right across the board from a consistency POV… so NO COUSINS whatsoever invited )**

    I VOTED – STAND UP FOR YOURSELF & YOUR FAMILY

    Hope this helps,

    ** PS… Even if you invited other cousins, I think it OK to skip out on this particular one… obviously your two families are interwound quite tightly as it is … One Bro’s Illigitimate Baby-Momma at a Wedding (your MOH) and her son, IMO is more than enough for the sake of your Mother !!

    Your Mom is the MOST HONOURED GUEST on your big day.  She deserves to enjoy the day, not be embroiled in a Custody Battle with Baby-Momma # 2 spewing venom.

    No matter how awful your Brother is

    (( HUGS ))

     

    Post # 7
    Member
    808 posts
    Busy bee

    @MsDontRushME:  As your fiance’s cousin, normally it would be for him to decide BUT if she’s been talking s*** about you and your family then I think you owe it to yourself to make sure she’s not there.

    Post # 8
    Member
    7195 posts
    Busy Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @MsDontRushME:  Well the only thing I can see wrong is that her mother said some nasty words in court.

    Now if your brother owed this girl support payments, and your family was in court defending him, I’m not surprised some harsh words were said. Because your brother *does* need to pay support if he’s the father.

    So unless there’s more to this story (e.g. why would it crush your mother’s heart?) I think she should be invited because she’s part of FI’s family and they want her there.

    I also take issue with @This Time Round:  . You only have full control of the guest list if you pay 100%. Since his family is paying for a large proportion of the costs, they get a say in the guest list.

    Post # 9
    Member
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    Repost Below

    Post # 10
    Member
    10219 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    TO @paula1248:  I went back and read the small print (pun intended… as I have no clue what is up with WBee tonight)

    And you are right… altho we both read it differently I suppose… the OP said:

    His mom has paid for the reception hall and will  do the rehearsal dinner and alcohol at the reception. My mom is paying for the  food. I am paying everything else and I mean EVERYTHING else alone. He hasn’t  bought anything but my ring. 

    I took that to mean that MIL was paying for the Hall & Alcohol

    And MOB was paying for the Food

    OP had EVERTHING ELSE which I thought was the bulk of the load

    Altho I may be wrong…

    A lot would depend on what everyone’s share is worth in reality (hard to tell cause food & drink can vary so much depending on where you are from / Venue etc)

    The thing that gets me most tho is the MIL / Inlaws have gone back on their word too.

    They originally agreed it would be only Aunt & Uncle and not “Cousin It” (aka Baby Momma # 2)

    Now someone wants to change the game plan

    Doesn’t seem fair to me in light of the fact that Baby Momma # 1 has now committed to being the MOH, and her Son is the one to be walking the Bride here down the aisle.

    In light of all that has gone down, I think it would be best NOT to invite Baby Momma # 2

    Sure it might cause some “hard feelings” but can you imagine the sh!t storm if Baby Momma # 2 decides to get p!ssed off with Baby Momma # 1, Her Son, or the Bride ???

    Lots of Weddings don’t have Cousins at them.  No big deal, IMO

    So basically, my advice remains the same as my previous post.

    — — —

    Dear OP – Lol, ya in light of all this crap maybe you should have eloped… lol

    Or asked Jerry Springer along for the ride… you are probably right he would have PAID you something for a front row seat

    I feel your angst… and I appreciate that you can keep your sense of humour

    Post # 12
    Member
    1364 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2014

    Wait, your brother isn’t invited because your nephew and his ex (your MOH) is, correct? So if cousin IT is in invited, then it would be two ex’s and a pair of step-siblings that have never met?

    Is anyone else thinking that is going to cause TONS of drama??? The way I see it, you should have a serious heart to heart with your FMIL (only if you have a giod relationship with her and she isn’t a narcicistic psycho). Explain to her this whole situation, how it would really upset your mother to have her there, since she did sue her son (for several reasons that I didnt fully grasp) , caused strain on the family and publicly insulted you guys.

    Also, and this might just be me, but I would HATE to have people at the wedding who might ‘look down on me’ out of their own stupidity and prejudices. It would maje me horribly uncomfortable, I guess I don’t think thay would be supporting the marriage you know?

    Ask her to please understand that you are already compromising by inviting Aunt and Uncle and can’t find it in your heart to also have someone else who thought you were all so terrible as to ailienate the child from you. Explain to her that you would hate to have Uncle not come, and ask her to explain the situation to him and see if he would be willing to come even if daughter was not invited. If he refuses, then I guess you have to apologize profusely to FMIL. 

    Oh or another option would be if cousin it would apologize and maybe its her chance of playing nice….. 

    but yeah thats a slim one lol

    Post # 13
    Member
    906 posts
    Busy bee

    I’m sorry but not inviting your brother is disrespectful . He may have done some bad mistakes but he’s your brother, he’s your family for life. Friends come and go and family is forever. Baby momma 1 should be removed from moh for the sake of your family. I can understand inviting baby momma 1 son but baby momma one shouldn’t be invited to begin with. Were you and baby momma one best buds or something? If yes then she should maybe be invited as a guest. I agree with this time around that you invite who you want but the wedding is about joining families into one. I’m sorry baby momma two said bad things about your brother and sued him but he’s your fi’s cousin and it’s his decision on wheat her to invite her since she’s his cousin. If he wants her there then you mom needs to accept it and play nice with her for a day knowing she won’t just be his family but your family. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    1625 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2014

    @Ap2010:  You have no idea what kind of person OPs brother is, or what their history is, and she is NOT obligated to invite him because he is “family”. She also added that he can’t come because he can’t LEGALLY be around his son right now, and his son and her MOH/brothers baby mama will be there.

    Post # 15
    Member
    906 posts
    Busy bee

    Well I can see now why the brother can’t be invited. Due to her nephew so that I guess I’ll understand but baby momma 1 being her maid of honor is not the best decision. And I believe she should invite her fi’s cousin if he wants her there since her fi’a cousin will be her family too. 

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