Post # 1
We are at the point where we will be ordering our invitations. My mom is contributing about 65% of our wedding budget. My parents are divorced and my father barely makes enough to get by, so he has no way to contribute monitarily. My FI’s father may end up contributing eventually, but has made no offers to so far nor has he hinted that he might… even for the rehearsal dinner. (FI still thinks he might, though, beacause he thinks he might be waiting to make sure we plan the wedding as frugaly as possible and then will sweep in and play “hero” and plop down some cash after we’ve made our decisions responsibly. That’s a whole ‘nother topic and post for a different time, though…)
Anyway, my point is, it’s basically my mom and then my FI and I paying for the wedding. To word the invite in a way that looks like its me and my FI hosting doesn’t honor my mom’s contribution, but to word it in a way that is us and our “parents” gives credit to two people to whom no credit is due. But it seems weird to word it honestly and say that it is the “happy couple and mother of the bride who invite you… etc.” (or, you know, some variation thereof)
What do y’all suggest? How would you word the invite in a way that is both honest and respectful?
Post # 3
i don’t know what other people will say, but i think that since all the parties involved (your father, fh’s father) know that they arent paying that much towards the wedding that it would be okay to honor your mom with the listing of part host…
maybe something like
invites you to share in the joy of…
Post # 4
in case it is missed, i will point out that i am from Australia, and perhaps we do it differently down here. i am having difficulties understanding what money has to do with who is hosting the wedding. do some people seriously calculate the proportions of who is contributing, and that the proportion of the individual financial contribution determines which names go on the invitations?
for our weddings, are we expected to forget that our parents have (for the most part, and i do realise that there are tragically dysfunctional exceptions) provided for us over many years, and that a wedding is an occasion that celebrates the beginnings of a new family, and by extension, honours the universal concept of ‘family’? are our invitations now meant to subtly (or not so subtly) convey where the money has come from?
My FI and i are paying for our wedding ourselves. we are financially secure, and our parents make significantly less money than us and are nearing retirement. they will be contributing: with love, support and practical help, as they have always done throughout our lives. i could not imagine how hurt they would be if we were to publicly announce (by excluding them from our invitations) that we have judged their wedding-worthiness solely on their ability to contribute financially to a one-day event.
If i have this wrong, please excuse me, and put it down to a cultural misunderstanding.
Post # 5
The wording on the wedding invitation is not to “honor” those or only those who contributed financially. Your father can be a host witout buying his way in. If you want to honor your parents on the invitation, then do both or do none – but don’t do just one (that could be very hurtful) and certainly not just because one contributed money and one didn’t. That goes specifically against etiquette because it suggests that someone can just purchase the honor.
ETA: You can thank your mother in other ways, privately which I would suggest so as not to embarrass your father, or in a toast but don’t focus so much on the money, more on what she means to you, etc. The money really should be the least of it.
Post # 6
I think I would just defer to your mom’s wishes. It’s nice to make everyone feel good, but the reality of the situation is that she’s the one ponying up, so if someone has to feel slighted by the wording, it shouldn’t be her.
But you did say that your dad isn’t able to contribute “monitarily” which suggests that he might be contributing in some other way. If he’s doing DIY projects or negotiating with vendors or offering his yard as the venue or baking the cake, I don’t see any reason not to call him a host as well. Particularly if it’s clear he’s making a good faith effort to do what he can within his more limited means.
As for your FI’s dad, I’d totally leave him off the invite. This last minute thing isn’t hosting, it’s making you plan a wedding and then giving you a gift to help pay it off.
Post # 7
We honored both sets of parents even though my parents are paying for the whole thing. We said “son of” then the parents names. That way they knew who was paying but still got to put his parents on the invite. His Dad didn’t contribute anything but a whole lotta stress but we wanted to keep in mind everyone who was getting an invite.
Post # 8
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I certainly didn’t mean to seem like an ungrateful brat by my wording. Of course I am very grateful for everything my parents did for me growing up, as is my FI for his parents.
My reason for asking is honestly out of naivitee, not ungratefulness. We are only starting to consider our invite wording and I wasn’t sure where to begin. From what I’ve seen so far, it seems like more and more couples are paying for their weddings themselves, so including parents on an invitation isn’t as commonplace as it once was. This, as well as just a general experience with invitation ettquite, would indicate to me that it is in fact the person/people that are paying for the party (wedding or not) that are considered host, regardless of the good intentions or previous support of their loved ones. Forgive me if I’m completely wrong on that… I certainly didn’t mean to indicate that one could or should “buy” their way on to the invitation… it’s just my understanding that that the hosts are the hosts- financially and otherwise. Also, for parents that are on the invitation, it seems traditionally it was both parents or even both sets of parents that would’ve been hosting, not simply ONE of them. It is out of that very situation that my question is born, though.
In any case, y’all have given me a lot to consider. I do agree that it would be hurtful to only list my mother by name. I like the idea of listing all of the parents by noting “daughter/son of…” In that way we could also my FI’s deceased mother, which would be lovely. Thanks for the ideas.
Post # 9
@espinaca: I agree. I would ask you mom, and if she’s ok with sharing the credit, and so are you, I think it’s more straight forward to be able to go with “together with their parents” or something along those lines.
Post # 10
I am having the same difficulty with invitation wording. Wedding planning would be so much easier if nobody got divorced. 🙂
I was thinking about putting my dads name because he is helping but I think I will just put my groom and my name on the invites to keep it short and simple. Were paying for most. I wont feel bad about not including MY parents because my gradmother raised me.
If I include everyones name I might be expected to put my dads gfs name bc she is helping with the planning. Her name is the same as my moms name. CONFUSING. also my grooms father is deseaced and has a different last name than is mom even though they were married. More confusing.
If you put your fiance’s deseased mother on the invite that would be a great idea but make sure you word it in a way that it doesnt look like she is still alive. You also have to word it in a way that it doesnt seem like she is hosting the wedding. Good luck with your invites. I know it is hard.