Post # 1
My fiance is currently living at home with his parents while we’re finishing our new house. When a save-the-date card arrived for a (semi-distant) family friend’s wedding, I was surprised to see my name on the envelope. I was even more shocked when the bridal shower invitation arrived and I saw my name on THAT invite too!
I barely know this girl as we attended high school together, but we weren’t friends and I have never seen her outside of school.
I attended the shower and gave her a small $30 gift. The shower was at a venue that they didn’t pay for, and everything was done for her. It made me feel like I was invited just to give a gift. The wedding is also taking place at a very inexpensive venue and I am convinced that she invited my fiance and I simply to get more money, which I find highly offensive. Seems like an easy way to get $150 out of us.
My wedding will be a much more elegant affair with people I really care about. Should I invite her to my wedding? Should I give her as much as I usually give?
*Edit* Our venue/food/drinks cost around $90/person, so I’m extra hesitant to invite someone that I’m not close to. Also, this may be shallow, but I would be more likely to invite them if I thought they would cover the cost of their food, but I don’t think they would.
Post # 3
@OnceUponATime: Invite whoever you want. You do not have to invite every single person who invited you to their wedding.
Post # 4
- Wedding: August 2013 - The Liberty House
If you don’t want them there, don’t invite them. And I’m for giving them as much as you feel comfortable giving them- If you don’t want to give them a large gift that you’d usually give to your friends, you aren’t obligated to do so. Although, if I were invited to the wedding of someone I didn’t really know and felt that I was just there for extra gifts, I would probably just decline.
Post # 5
@MeiFrancis: I thought about not attending the wedding, but since I already went to the shower, I thought it might seem odd.
Post # 6
@OnceUponATime: You are technically never obligated to give a gift to anything. You’re certainly not obligated to give a gift for both shower and wedding.
I’d go to the wedding. If you get there, and it’s cake and punch, then hey! Your shower gift already covered the cost of your plate. If they surprise you with surf and turf, then the good thing is you have a year to get a gift. If you want it to be less obvious, go straight home and order something from one of their online registries, and get it rush shipped. They will think it was supposed to arrive on the wedding day, but got hung up in the post.
As far as inviting them to yours, you certainly don’t have to. Just tell them in an indirect way that you’re holding a small, intimate affair and it will be mostly family.
Post # 7
@OnceUponATime: if you go to their wedding, perhaps you can just buy them something off of their registry instead of giving a cash gift. if you don’t want to spend a lot of money, maybe you can find one of the items on sale.
as for your own wedding…were you planning on inviting them before you got their invite? if you really want them there and there is room in the budget, then invite them. if not, don’t.
Post # 8
@OnceUponATime: It made me feel like I was invited just to give a gift. The wedding is also taking place at a very inexpensive venue and I am convinced that she invited my fiance and I simply to get more money, which I find highly offensive.
Why did you feel that way? [ETA: I would probably assume that she had few close friends and wanted to invite more distant friends to fill up her venue. It wouldn’t be my first thought that they just wanted gifts.]
Post # 9
I don’t think how much the couple is spending on their wedding should have ANYTHING to do with how much you give them. You should give a couple who has a simple, inexpensive wedding the same amount you’d give a couple who has an extravagant affair, provided you’re just as close to them. The idea of covering your plate isn’t an etiquette rule. You give what you can afford and feel comfortable giving given your relationship to the couple and your financial situation.
That being said, if you’re not close to this girl, why go to the wedding at all? If you’re going to go, give what you want/can afford. You defintely don’t need to invite these people to your wedding.
Post # 10
If you do not want them there, then do not invite them. Also, it’s not very nice to look at it in the way you mentioned, “if they were going to cover the cost of their plate with a gift, then maybe.” Now that makes you look just as gift grabby (not saying that you are).
I have gone to plenty of weddings and will not be inviting all of those couples to my wedding. So I do not think that is a major issue. In terms of their gift, there are plenty of nice, affordable gifts you can give. Have you looked at their registry? If you go, opt for a lesser priced item. Look for coupons and sales, and that will also keep the cost down.
Post # 11
@sportsgal31: I couldn’t help but feel this way as I honestly don’t know her at all. Neither does my fiance. We’ve never talked to her. In fact, I didn’t even know her SOs name until I arrived at the shower. It just seemed so odd that she invited me. I was just a number on a guest list instead of a friend or family member.
@lanalnoco: That’s a really good point. I’ve always been told that at the minimum you should cover the cost of your food. (Although immediete friends and family always get the same regardless.) I’ve never thought about other customs or what others consider acceptable. Thanks for your insight
Post # 12
@bmo88: You’re right. It does seem gift grabby. I guess it just comes down to the fact that they’re not close to us. For those I love, they could hand me a blank card and I would be happy just to have them there.
Post # 13
I think you’re assuming too much. Maybe they did invite you for the gift but what if you don’t bring a gift, you;re still inivited right? I would think she invited you because she wants you there. Simple as that. I invited a girl I am not really close to because she was so excited to share my day with me and wanted to be involved. Plus she is in my circle of mom friends and we talked about my wedding all the time when we got together so I felt bad not inviting her, especially since she really wanted to come. i don’t car eif she brings a gift.
Also, give what you can regardless of what type of wedding she is having. I would go to the wedding (why not if you have nothing better to do) and celebrate with them and just have a good time.
Now since you already gave a gift at the bridal shower, you don’t really HAVE to give another gift at the wedding… a nice card will suffice. But if you always give gifts at weddings, it would be really in poor taste on your part not to give her a gift just because of the way you feel. Also, you do not have to invite her to your wedding. She invited you to hers, great. But you don’t have to reciprocate.
Post # 14
Why do you have to give them $150? Maybe she is inviting you because she likes you, or knows you (you know, the way some people are FB friends with everyone they ever met, not just friends), or because his side is much bigger.
I would attend her wedding, if you think its gift grabby, afterwards mail her a card with a gift card from her registry store. You can give her $50 if you like!
Post # 15
You post looks far too much like an account’s ledger to me, whatever her reason for inviting you to these things, and whatever was paid for or done for this particular bride has no bearing on your own wedding, shower, or cost per plate. Is it possible she invited you because she’s enjoyed being around you and wants to include you because of that?
Post # 16
Unfortunately, we aren’t even facebook friends. (I added her a day or two before the shower) I didn’t even talk to her at the shower. :/