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So, my male cousin is getting married. I've not met his fiance and never knew her name until I got an invitation to her bridal shower. I was completely stumped and had to ask my family if they knew this girl--I've been super busy for the last year and thought maybe I knew her and just forgot.
Last weekend I was at my mom's house and saw their wedding invitation. I was FLOORED! I've never been invited to the bridal shower and not the wedding, so I thought maybe they were having a destination wedding--WRONG! They're having a big to-do Catholic ceremony followed by a formal reception right in the city that I live in.
Ok, so maybe mine was lost in the mail?!
Wrong again!
Their RSVP list is online, and you have to search for your name...mine wasn't there, nor my husband's.
So, I sent the hostess of the bridal shower an RSVP that said "Hi Hostess, I will not be attending bride's bridal shower as I have not been invited to the wedding. Thanks!" <--(does that come off as rude?! I wanted to get my point across, but not be mean about it...)
Part of me really wants to think it's just a mistake, but the logical part of my brain is screaming "ya right!".
Needless to say, my feelings are hurt.
Its common for cousins in my family not to be invited bc we are just so large it usually isn't financially fesible to invite them all. I recently was invited to a bridal shower but not the wedding. I think this was due more to the host not double checking the guest list with the bride. I wasn't able to go anyway but I did pitch in on a gift with my mom.
I think that when you decline, even though you want to say its bc you weren't invited to the wedding it may make the host feel bad. I do understand how your would feel a bit slighted, but remember that weddings are expensive and it maight not be the bride's fault on this one.
Well...the response does come across as a bit rude, but I totally understand why; your feelings are hurt and rightly so! I would be really upset, too. You might think about cooling off before responding, though--especially since the hostess probably doesn't have that much influence in who is invited to the wedding. If the hostess made the invite list for the shower, she probably just asked you since you're family of the couple, without ever thinking you wouldn't be included in the wedding.
It's really weird to not include you in the wedding, though...I mean, you're family! What? You might have your parent contact their sibling to check in about what's going on in an unobtrusive, non-presumptive way?
@stlginkgo: our family is outrageously large as well (my mom is one of 14), but I had a formal Catholic wedding just over a year ago and invited his entire family (his parents and 8 siblings along with their significant others and children which is pretty close to 20 people total) and fed all of them! It just would NEVER occur to me to leave parts of the family out...I guess I'm an all or nothing kind of person. I know of at least two of my other cousins that didn't get invitations either.
@bunnybride: I told my mom about the situation and she told me that 'it must be lost in the mail because her brother's kid would never do that'...I just feel like it was on purpose and frankly it's rude. If they didn't intend to invite me to the wedding I feel like they shouldn't have invited me to her bridal shower.
I agree that it's completely rude to be invited to wedding-related-activities, but not to the wedding itself. To me it just seems like a plea for gifts.
I was invited to my cousin's shower, but not her wedding, and was really insulted.
Quite frankly, I don't see how a disconnect like this could happen, I gave my bridesmaids a list of women from the wedding guest list for the shower. I physically took the addresses from the wedding guest list and made the shower guest list. It's not like it was the other way around...
I don't think it is rude because I actually did the same thing, only this was with an old high school friend. I wrote back to her sister and said I never got a wedding invitation, her sister replied that I wasn't invited to the wedding because they have so many people blah blah blah. I wrote this back "I haven't seen or talked to X in many years and had a falling out with her and now both of you are inviting me to her shower so I can give her a gift but I'm not invited to the wedding? I think that is rude and this is my RSVP no to the shower" ... I haven't heard from either since, but at least I stood up for myself. I don't care what size wedding you are having or what you can afford, I think it's rude to invite people to a shower but not the wedding, it's like hey give me presents but you can't come to the big day. Sorry for people that have done this but this is the second time this happened to me and I had enough!
@pieceacake: I am so jealous you were able to invite all of your family! I wish I could have done that too, but it was too much money and the venue couldn't hold all of them (both sides are quite large, Dad's family of 12 Mom's of 6 and all of them have at least four children, in multiple cases 6.) We had to make a cut of somewhere and ultimatley some cousins were left out.
You could ask your cousin what the deal is. I would almost bet money that the host did not check the wedding list, and if you were not invited to the wedding as well as 2 of your cousins I would guess they had to make a cut off too.
Maybe they genuinely couldn't invite you to the wedding but they wanted you to feel included? When you are planning a wedding you do things with the very best of intentions and sometimes they backfire. Are you getting married? There are probably people out there right now feeling annoyed about something you have or haven't done who you would not have hurt for the world.
So I think you are well within your rights to feel a bit aggrieved and of course you can be as rude as you wish but maybe you should cut them some slack.
I think that your reply was maybe a bit harsh - however, I would've probably done the same exact thing! Hahahaha!
Inviting someone to the shower but not the wedding usually comes off as being gift-grabby. However, that's not necessarily the reasoning behind it. You should talk to your cousin (or have your mom do it if you're not comfortable with it). Maybe your name accidentally got left off of the wedding guest list.
@Angharad- The OP was married a little over a year ago and did invite this cousin and all siblings, spouses, children to her wedding, so she has every right to be annoyed, hurt and maybe not cut them any slack IMO.
I think there are some people who don't follow the rule about invitations to showers and weddings, maybe because they think it's not a big deal or something. Two examples in my experience:
1. My coworkers threw a small shower for me at the office and invited some people I did not invite to my wedding. Nobody seemed miffed.
2. My brother's ex-gf sent me a note after my "other" shower saying sorry she couldn't make it, although I had left her out of the shower invite list because she hadn't been explicitly invited to the wedding, and I didn't think my brother would bring her to the wedding as his +1. Not sure if my mom invited her to the shower or what, but she didn't seem miffed about the situation either.
I think your response was appropriate. I don't think it was rude at all, just to-the-point!
@Soon2beeMrsM: Just because she was able to invite everyone, she cannot assume that her cousin and FI can afford to invite everyone. Yes it sucks but you do not know everyone's financial situation.
Just take the higher road and decline going to the shower.
I don't think the debate is about the OP not being invited to the wedding. Although that's part of it, the big issue is that she was invited to the shower and not the wedding.
That's a no-no. Period.
It's understandable if the couple couldn't afford to invite all cousins + spouses, but then they should not be issuing shower invites to those not invited to the wedding. That makes it seem like they want your gift, but you're not quite special enough to come to the actual ceremony and reception.
I don't blame you for having hurt feelings. I am so sorry this happened to you.
When I was going through this process, I was painstakingly detail oriented (and I'm normally not!)....
I had 3 bridal showers (my family and friends are from all over) and each hostess was given her own batch of people to invite...I made the lists myself which leads me to believe that the hostess--someone I've never met before--would've had to get the list from the bride. I just feel like if I can be on the bridal shower list, I can be on the wedding list, too.
I'd feel differently if someone communicated the situation to me, but there's been nothing of the sort. I think if you're going to leave someone out of the wedding, you shouldn't invite them to the bridal shower UNLESS there's some sort of other circumstances like having a destination wedding or a limited amount of people being invited for budget reasons (which I totally get...I was lucky and didn't have that problem), but in both of those cases (and really any other case), I'm pretty sure I would've heard by now that they had some sort of issue in which case I'd gladly go to the shower.
I think that's pretty rude. For my shower, we just used the wedding invitation list to create the bridal shower list, and went from there. I think it's completely rude to be invited to the shower and not the wedding. I can understand if your coworkers want to throw a small shower or something, but that's up to them. As someone else said above, it's all or nothing. You either invite all the family or none.
I have hosted several bridal showers and I'm sure I would have felt pretty insulted to receive a harsh reply like you wrote. The hostess of the shower is just following the bride's list on whom to include on the shower invites. It's not the hostess' fault that the bride is not following etiquette related to wedding invites. If you are that upset about the situation, why not address this directly with the bride and groom instead of venting to the shower hostess who clearly has no choice or control over the wedding guest list??
I prob would have done the same thing. But you have to remember a lot of brides having the shower are not the ones planning making the guest list.
I don't think the response was rude. Direct....yes...rude...no. The OP didn't bash the hostess or the bride, didn't use any profanity, or call either the hostess or the bride any names.
It's obvious the bride knows how to get in contact with OP b/c the shower invite got there with no issues. It would have been a simple thing to pick up the phone and explain why OP wasn't being invited to the wedding. Even if the bride didn't feel comfortable calling herself, surely the OP cousin could have called, or let his mom call OP mom....something.
It's really rude to invite somebody to pre-wedding gift centered parties without inviting them to the main event. No way around that. If the bride & groom couldn't afford to invite cousins to the wedding, fine, but then they shouldn't be invited to showers, either.
Your reply was not too harsh. I really doubt the shower hostess made up the guest list herself. Usually the bride gives the hostess a list of names and addresses. Both times I hosted a bridal shower, I confirmed with the bride that everybody on the guest list was in fact invited to the wedding. I considered that part of being a good host.
And even if you had been invited to the wedding, it is so weird for you to be invited to the shower given that you've never met this woman! Showers are supposed to be for the bride's family and close friends.
I don't think that response was out of line. I probably would have done the same. In my opinion, it's a major faux paux to invite someone to a shower that isn't invited to the wedding.
I hope we aren't guilty of this. FIs parents own a cottage, so FI has a "summer family". A couple threw us a surprise shower last weekend, and a number of people invited are not invited to the wedding. But it is my understanding that they are aware they are not invited. I'm thinking it is sort of like when the women's group at a church want to throw a shower, sometimes people genuinely want to celebrate with you and understand you can't invite everyone to the actual wedding.
I too would have said the same thing. Good for you!
If anything it should be the other way around... maybe not to the shower but def. to the wedding if at all but we are trying to get everyone to both and if we can't afford it then they are cut completely from everything (not to sound mean but that's just how it is)
Did they respond to you with and reason?
I don't think your response was out of line, either. They are out of line. You just explained the reason why you are not going and they should get some awareness that what they did was inconsiderate and rude. You aren't going to send a gift are you?
@MarzipanMrs.: My husband and I have discussed it and I doubt we'll send them a shower gift. I may include something extra on a wedding gift with one of my other cousins or with my parents depending on what they do, but that's a big maybe. I suppose if the opportunity presents itself I'll contribute, but otherwise I won't. I'm kind of hoping the hostess will send my e-mail on to the bride and she'll rectify the situation in which case I'd be glad to gift for both occassions!
Ahahaha I would have done the exact same thing, except I probably would have written a short lecture about wedding etiquette, because I'm a stickler for rules. I don't think it was rude. Direct yes, rude no.
My feelings would be hurt too. That's such a huge faux pas, I can't imagine the bride isn't aware of it. I'm glad you wrote the message as it was, it wasn't overly rude but concise enough for them to get the picture. Jeez, what is wrong with people?
I probably would have tried not to get my feelings hurt if I were you. Normally, a bride isn't the one who puts on her shower, so there's a good chance she wasn't in complete control of the guest list. Part of her family could have mistakingly put you on the list...in that case, you might have come across as a bit upset to the hostess considering it could have been an honest error on her part...not the brides.
*Edit*...yes, I'm sure we all give our BM's/Moms/etc list for the shower, as did I, and a few surprises were thrown onto the invite list that I didn't know about or aprove...
Perhaps the bride did not coordinate with the shower hostess regarding the guest list?
I know it's not proper etiquette to invite someone to a shower who is not invited to the wedding, but I am guilty of this. My ex-boyfriend's mom and I used to be really close, and I haven't seen her in a few years, so I asked my shower hostess to put her on the invite list for the shower. I think she will appreciate being invited, even though it's not really appropriate to invite her to the wedding. Oh well.
I don't think it's bad to say that you're not coming since you weren't invited to the wedding.
At the very least maybe they'll realize they forgot to send you an invite. Chances are the FI did the invites/guest list, not your cousin, so you might have been omitted accidentally - I definitely don't know all my FI cousins and wouldn't know if one was missing.
If that's not the case at least it lets them know it's NOT okay to invite people who aren't invited to the wedding. I'm sure that you're not the only one if they actually decided to do that.
I would have done the same thing. She was rude for sending you an invite to the shower. You are well within your rights to decline the invitation and explain why. If people don't know why, then they don't get that what they did was rude.
Sorry, but I think your response was quite rude. Was it rude of her to not invite you to the wedding and only to the shower? Sure. But you have no way of knowing if it was intentional or an oversight. You have no way of knowing who put together the guest lists. You have no way of knowing what their financial situation is. Fighting rude with rude does not make anything better. If the mistake was unintentional then you've just made her feel terrible; if she's a gift-grabber, then you should try to rise above her level.
Bees post all the time about rude responses they get from people after they've made tough wedding decisions. Please don't contribute to that.
@cupcake sprinkles: I totally understand what you're saying. However, due to the large size of my family, one of my aunts has taken the responsibility of maintaining a family database with all of our contact information, SO if she had my address to send me a shower invitation, she had it to send me a wedding invitation, too. Also, if they were having budget issues (which I'm positive they're not), that would be common knowledge and they would not have invited some and not all. In my defense, at least I RSVP'd which is more than I can say for a lot of my family.
@lissabee: I think that is one of those situations where inviting someone to the shower and not the wedding is appropriate and if you're close with her, she probably already knew the justification behind your decisions....it's all about communicating these things!
@camrie: I really wish I could say this is an oversight of my cousin's, but because of my aunt's helpful database of contact info, it's readily available and updated at least twice a year...they have my mailing address, all 5 of my e-mail addresses, and my phone number....and we're friends on Facebook!!!
"Hi Hostess, I will not be attending bride's bridal shower as I have not been invited to the wedding. Thanks!"
How, exactly, is this a rude response? I don't get it. She declined the invite and gave a valid reason why. What's so rude about that?
Okay well I will go ahead and say I WAS ONE OF THE BRIDES WHO INVITED 3 PEOPLE TO MY BRIDAL SHOWER AND NOT MY WEDDING. I was not gift hungry either!
Everyone knew we were having a small wedding of 55 just family due to funds and we were paying for it all ourselves. Well because we did not want 2 co workers to be offended in not being a part at all and another friend we said hey this is whats going on but if you would like to participate etc they could come to the shower and would LOVE for them to be a apart of it. My intent was not to just receive a gift, I could care less.. it was to have them join the festivities and they knew our situation. They had a blast and had free food and drinks and favors and got to hang with me . Even won in some games. I don't see anything wrong with including them and not just ignoring them because I was too poor.
Now I am all for freedom of speech and if that is how you felt then tell them that LOL. My thing is you invited them to your wedding. They did not to you. Its a little different. I was not invited to their wedding and they were not family.. I mean it is a little harsh if they are in like my boat but they seem to be having a gala! But I will say to PP I am a tad insulted. :(
Sorry your in this dilemma I can see how you are annoyed especially because its family..
@sailor: It's rude because it's snarky. All the OP needed to do was say "I will not be able to attend." Show some class and rise above it, people.
@OP: Do you get to look at their monthly bank statements? If the answer is "no" then maybe you shouldn't be so quick to judge. "But my family would tell me --" No, maybe not. Maybe they would and maybe they'd be wrong. You don't know that for a fact.
So you didn't get invited. Put on your big girl panties and get over it. I get that you're tweaked and I think you have a right to be tweaked, but again -- rise above it.
I think that you were absolutely justified in your response to the bridal shower host. Your reason for not going is true and justifiable, and I don't think you were rude, just honest.
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