Post # 1
So, my male cousin is getting married. I’ve not met his fiance and never knew her name until I got an invitation to her bridal shower. I was completely stumped and had to ask my family if they knew this girl–I’ve been super busy for the last year and thought maybe I knew her and just forgot.
Last weekend I was at my mom’s house and saw their wedding invitation. I was FLOORED! I’ve never been invited to the bridal shower and not the wedding, so I thought maybe they were having a destination wedding–WRONG! They’re having a big to-do Catholic ceremony followed by a formal reception right in the city that I live in.
Ok, so maybe mine was lost in the mail?!
Their RSVP list is online, and you have to search for your name…mine wasn’t there, nor my husband’s.
So, I sent the hostess of the bridal shower an RSVP that said “Hi Hostess, I will not be attending bride’s bridal shower as I have not been invited to the wedding. Thanks!” <–(does that come off as rude?! I wanted to get my point across, but not be mean about it…)
Part of me really wants to think it’s just a mistake, but the logical part of my brain is screaming “ya right!”.
Needless to say, my feelings are hurt.
Post # 3
Its common for cousins in my family not to be invited bc we are just so large it usually isn’t financially fesible to invite them all. I recently was invited to a bridal shower but not the wedding. I think this was due more to the host not double checking the guest list with the bride. I wasn’t able to go anyway but I did pitch in on a gift with my mom.
I think that when you decline, even though you want to say its bc you weren’t invited to the wedding it may make the host feel bad. I do understand how your would feel a bit slighted, but remember that weddings are expensive and it maight not be the bride’s fault on this one.
Post # 4
Well…the response does come across as a bit rude, but I totally understand why; your feelings are hurt and rightly so! I would be really upset, too. You might think about cooling off before responding, though–especially since the hostess probably doesn’t have that much influence in who is invited to the wedding. If the hostess made the invite list for the shower, she probably just asked you since you’re family of the couple, without ever thinking you wouldn’t be included in the wedding.
It’s really weird to not include you in the wedding, though…I mean, you’re family! What? You might have your parent contact their sibling to check in about what’s going on in an unobtrusive, non-presumptive way?
Post # 5
@stlginkgo: our family is outrageously large as well (my mom is one of 14), but I had a formal Catholic wedding just over a year ago and invited his entire family (his parents and 8 siblings along with their significant others and children which is pretty close to 20 people total) and fed all of them! It just would NEVER occur to me to leave parts of the family out…I guess I’m an all or nothing kind of person. I know of at least two of my other cousins that didn’t get invitations either.
@bunnybride: I told my mom about the situation and she told me that ‘it must be lost in the mail because her brother’s kid would never do that’…I just feel like it was on purpose and frankly it’s rude. If they didn’t intend to invite me to the wedding I feel like they shouldn’t have invited me to her bridal shower.
Post # 6
I agree that it’s completely rude to be invited to wedding-related-activities, but not to the wedding itself. To me it just seems like a plea for gifts.
I was invited to my cousin’s shower, but not her wedding, and was really insulted.
Quite frankly, I don’t see how a disconnect like this could happen, I gave my bridesmaids a list of women from the wedding guest list for the shower. I physically took the addresses from the wedding guest list and made the shower guest list. It’s not like it was the other way around…
Post # 7
I don’t think it is rude because I actually did the same thing, only this was with an old high school friend. I wrote back to her sister and said I never got a wedding invitation, her sister replied that I wasn’t invited to the wedding because they have so many people blah blah blah. I wrote this back “I haven’t seen or talked to X in many years and had a falling out with her and now both of you are inviting me to her shower so I can give her a gift but I’m not invited to the wedding? I think that is rude and this is my RSVP no to the shower” … I haven’t heard from either since, but at least I stood up for myself. I don’t care what size wedding you are having or what you can afford, I think it’s rude to invite people to a shower but not the wedding, it’s like hey give me presents but you can’t come to the big day. Sorry for people that have done this but this is the second time this happened to me and I had enough!
Post # 8
@pieceacake: I am so jealous you were able to invite all of your family! I wish I could have done that too, but it was too much money and the venue couldn’t hold all of them (both sides are quite large, Dad’s family of 12 Mom’s of 6 and all of them have at least four children, in multiple cases 6.) We had to make a cut of somewhere and ultimatley some cousins were left out.
You could ask your cousin what the deal is. I would almost bet money that the host did not check the wedding list, and if you were not invited to the wedding as well as 2 of your cousins I would guess they had to make a cut off too.
Post # 9
Maybe they genuinely couldn’t invite you to the wedding but they wanted you to feel included? When you are planning a wedding you do things with the very best of intentions and sometimes they backfire. Are you getting married? There are probably people out there right now feeling annoyed about something you have or haven’t done who you would not have hurt for the world.
So I think you are well within your rights to feel a bit aggrieved and of course you can be as rude as you wish but maybe you should cut them some slack.
Post # 10
- Wedding: May 2011 - Bartram's Garden
I think that your reply was maybe a bit harsh – however, I would’ve probably done the same exact thing! Hahahaha!
Inviting someone to the shower but not the wedding usually comes off as being gift-grabby. However, that’s not necessarily the reasoning behind it. You should talk to your cousin (or have your mom do it if you’re not comfortable with it). Maybe your name accidentally got left off of the wedding guest list.
Post # 11
@Angharad- The OP was married a little over a year ago and did invite this cousin and all siblings, spouses, children to her wedding, so she has every right to be annoyed, hurt and maybe not cut them any slack IMO.
Post # 12
I think there are some people who don’t follow the rule about invitations to showers and weddings, maybe because they think it’s not a big deal or something. Two examples in my experience:
1. My coworkers threw a small shower for me at the office and invited some people I did not invite to my wedding. Nobody seemed miffed.
2. My brother’s ex-gf sent me a note after my “other” shower saying sorry she couldn’t make it, although I had left her out of the shower invite list because she hadn’t been explicitly invited to the wedding, and I didn’t think my brother would bring her to the wedding as his +1. Not sure if my mom invited her to the shower or what, but she didn’t seem miffed about the situation either.
I think your response was appropriate. I don’t think it was rude at all, just to-the-point!
Post # 13
@Soon2beeMrsM: Just because she was able to invite everyone, she cannot assume that her cousin and FI can afford to invite everyone. Yes it sucks but you do not know everyone’s financial situation.
Just take the higher road and decline going to the shower.
Post # 14
I don’t think the debate is about the OP not being invited to the wedding. Although that’s part of it, the big issue is that she was invited to the shower and not the wedding.
That’s a no-no. Period.
It’s understandable if the couple couldn’t afford to invite all cousins + spouses, but then they should not be issuing shower invites to those not invited to the wedding. That makes it seem like they want your gift, but you’re not quite special enough to come to the actual ceremony and reception.
I don’t blame you for having hurt feelings. I am so sorry this happened to you.
Post # 15
When I was going through this process, I was painstakingly detail oriented (and I’m normally not!)….
I had 3 bridal showers (my family and friends are from all over) and each hostess was given her own batch of people to invite…I made the lists myself which leads me to believe that the hostess–someone I’ve never met before–would’ve had to get the list from the bride. I just feel like if I can be on the bridal shower list, I can be on the wedding list, too.
I’d feel differently if someone communicated the situation to me, but there’s been nothing of the sort. I think if you’re going to leave someone out of the wedding, you shouldn’t invite them to the bridal shower UNLESS there’s some sort of other circumstances like having a destination wedding or a limited amount of people being invited for budget reasons (which I totally get…I was lucky and didn’t have that problem), but in both of those cases (and really any other case), I’m pretty sure I would’ve heard by now that they had some sort of issue in which case I’d gladly go to the shower.
Post # 16
@gemstone: you are 100% correct. Thank you for summing that up.