Post # 1
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
So I just wanted to get some of your views on this situation.
A couple I know is getting married soon. They are having a destination wedding, but are only having immediate family come. They are just starting out in life and don’t have much money so they can only afford to buy plane tickets/accommodations for themselves. Their parents are buying their own tickets and so forth.
So they decided to have a backyard/potluck style shower for their upcoming nuptials. They will be inviting everyone to this and it’s a regular shower with registry gifts. I didnt think twice about the whole situation but someone I knew got offended by it. They thought it was rude to ask for gifts for a wedding that they are not invited to and that it’s bad wedding etiquette. I don’t see it as rude but I wanted to know what you guys think. With your experience with weddings, is this considered a no?
Post # 2
DaniDev143: Where I live, this is an etiquette faux pas in at least of couple of ways.
1. You don’t throw a gift giving party for yourselves.
2. There are very few exceptions to the general rule of only inviting wedding guests to a shower. Sometimes co-workers, club members, neighbors etc, knowing they are not invited to the wedding, still want to shower the bride.
Post # 3
I think this is one of those examples of how it isn’t useful to apply the Etiquette of Weddings rules to every situation.
technically, as a ton of people here will tell you, it’s rude to invite people to a shower who aren’t invited to the wedding.
but realistically, these young people truly starting out their lives together are exactly the kind of people tiny weddings and large wedding showers seem designed for. Like you, I wouldn’t feel it was rude.
however, I would find it rude if older, more established friends invited me to s shower but not a wedding. I’d feel like all I was worth to them was for help upgrading their kitchen ware.
Post # 4
They’re throwing a party. That doesn’t mean you bring a wedding gift, it means you bring a party gift. So, grab a bottle of wine, get then a card, go, and have fun. And maybe drink the wine you brought.
Post # 5
- Wedding: September 2014 - Stevens Estate
ohnatto: Yeah the person who thought it was rude was a little older /married …been to many weddings. I, on the other hand, am not married..been to few weddings. So I didn’t see it as rude.
I know they would invite everyone if they had the money to fly everyone out. But I think everyone should have the wedding they want no matter what.
Post # 6
Yes, this is rude. You don’t invite people to a shower who aren’t invited to the wedding. It’s just a no-no.
Post # 7
I am also having a destination wedding. I’m not having a party like this but I am having a shower. In fairness, I told my BM’s they didn’t need to throw me one because 1) I’m kind of a loner and only have a few close friends to even invite and 2) I didn’t want them spending anymore money on my wedding then they need to. That being said they insisted they want to throw me a shower, and secretly I am kinda excited about it because I get to have the whole “bride experience.” I am now in the sticky situation of who to invite to this shower bc not everyone is invited to the wedding. Ultimately, though most of my acquaintences who weren’t invited, or friends who already said they can’t make it, WANT to come to the shower. So my point is I really think it depends on the group of people you are dealing with whether this is considered “rude.” The couple honestly might just want to celebrate with everyone who can’t come and the gifts are secondary. I only have a bridal registry bc older relatives of mine asked me for one, but I really don’t expect gifts from anyone coming to the wedding bc they have to travel so far. Will people still buy me stuff? Probably. But really all I want is to feel like a bride and be around my friends. That could be in large part was is happening here.
Post # 8
DaniDev143: If it were a local wedding I’d consider it rude but being that it’s a destination wedding I don’t think it’s so terrible. The purpose of a shower is to gift the couple items they will use in their home together.
Post # 9
I’d find it rude. It’s like saying “I don’t like you enough to invite you to actually celebrate my wedding, but I do like you enough to ask you to come over and bring me a present, oh yeah and bring your own dinner too, since it’s pot-luck!”
Post # 10
Thank for saying this much better than I would have!
Post # 11
I don’t find it rude! I think my generation is less stringent on etiquette rules! I’ve been to three showers where I wasn’t invited to the wedding for one circumstance or another. i still got to celebrate a little! And I didn’t bring a gift to all three, just the one I wanted to. The others I did cards.
Post # 12
Calling it a shower I find Off putting. Calling it an at home reception, or a party to celebrate with people who can’t make it down to the wedding? totally fine. But calling it a shower is a different kettle of fish.
Post # 13
- Wedding: June 2014 - San Francisco, CA
I think having a potluck in the backyard is a perfectly acceptable way to invite people who can’t come to your destination wedding. I think having a registry is gross and tacky, but I think having a registry is gross and tacky in about 40% of the situations where it’s present, so your mileage may vary.
Post # 14
DaniDev143: small weddings are the exception to the rule. You know they are having an immediate family only wedding. So I think a shower or small celebration is OK it this case.
If you are uncomfortable giving a gift, decline the invitation.
Post # 15
Oh geez… Why can’t people keep their opinions to themselves? If they find it rude, then they just don’t have to go. Also I think implying that someone doesn’t like someone enough to invite them to the wedding is just palin rude. These folks can’t afford it. Not everyone can nor wishes to have 300 people in their weddings. Also, gifts are never a requirement! So it is not gift grabby to register. It is just in case someone wishes to bring a gift and they would like to know what if anything the couple would like to have. There is only one book that has rules that I try to follow, and it is not the book of etiquette.