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I suppose if you sent a gift to the other shower you were invited to, then to send a gift to this one..... but maybe it can just be something small - I feel your pain with the tightness of money these days.
To be honest, I wouldnt and it wouldnt just have to do with money. It is incredibly rude to invite someone to a shower and not to the wedding. If you invite someone to a shower they are expected to be invited to the wedding and that would upset me enough not to buy a gift. Maybe thats just me being petty but I wouldnt send one.
I totally agree with naangel55. Clearly these cousins are not up on ettiquette and neither are there parents, as they should know that you can't invite someone to shower and not to wedding.
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I wouldn't have sent gifts, either! It was REALLy awkward when one of the cousins came to my shower, and it turns out her invite got lost (i DID invite her, because I remember the strange spelling of the city and trying not to mess it up!) and she was all, "well i wasn't invited" and i felt like such a fool even though my FMIL and FSIL were throwing the shower.
If you feel inclined to send a gift, some of the people sent me $25 gift cards to my registries who didn't come to my shower. I thought it was a really nice gesture and very unexpected. So, $25 might be something you are comfortable with =]
I agree with naangel55 that inviting people to the shower but not to the wedding is really rude (the exception being a shower where none of the guests are invited to the wedding -- like a co-workers shower for a bride having a tiny destination wedding). It sounds like you're from out of town and couldn't attend the shower, which makes it doubly rude since it's basically a request for a present instead of an invitation to a party.
Your husband's cousins clearly aren't up on typical shower etiquette, but they probably didn't mean to offend, and since you sent a gift to one cousin it's probably best to send one to cousin #2 as well. I think a $25 gift card to the registry store is a great idea. It's a nice gesture, it doesn't break the bank, and you won't have to pay a zillion dollars for shipping.
I would not send a gift. It is inappropriate to invite somebody to the bridal shower and not the wedding.
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Yeah, I agree with that last post completely! You dont invite someone to the shower who isn't invited to the wedding. I have never even heard of that! It was different with the first "incident"...you thought you were going to be invited to the wedding when you sent the shower gift. I would definitely not send a shower gift this time.
I wouldn't do it either. ANd I wouldn't feel bad, at all. Really, are you close to them? Are you likely to see them much in the future? When you say you sent a gift the first time, are you saying you didn't go? Are these gals OOT? (Sometimes I think it's rude to invite people, particularly distant people to a shower if they are OOT, and unlikely to go. It's like they're fishing for gifts.)
The only other thing I could say, is if someone (maybe your MIL) could somehow find out if you are invited to the wedding this time around.
Good luck.
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Have a few questions for you to answer:
1)how often does he see them
2)how well does he know them?
to me the answers to the questions would show how I would gift (or not) her.
Inviting to the shower and NOT the wedding imho shows that she doesn't consider either of you two a priority in her life but simply wants a gift.
It's like she's saying "give me a gift for the sheer reason that I am a distant relative and you might see me in 3 Christmases or at some other relative's wedding and you don't want it to be awkward".
I would just send a card, without a gift. I think it's very rude to invite somebody to the shower and not to the wedding. It seems like she's only in it for the gifts.
In all honesty, it was poor etiquette for them to even send you a shower invite!! You never invite ladies to your shower who aren't invited to the wedding.
Do not feel obligated to send a gift. I suggest sending a nice card to the bride-to-be, outlining your regrets for not being able to attend and congratulating her on the upcoming wedding.
I can't believe people actually invite you to a shower and NOT the wedding. How rude! I wouldn't send them a gift but a guess a card would do. These kind of people piss me off. It is so obvious all they want is GIFTS!
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(I didn't read through any other responses- FYI)
DO NOT GIFT. Seriously, that is the rudest thing to do. Don't invite someone to your shower that you're not inviting to your wedding- it looks like a gift grab!
Send her a nice card, wish her luck and decline!
I second DaisyR - I would send a card with warm wishes, but no gift. If they don't want the "gift of your presence" at their wedding, they can do without your gift for their shower. A card will acknowledge that you received the invitation and wish them well without any financial investment.
Bellenga:
To answer your questions:
1. He never sees them (actually hasn't seen them since he was 10). I met his cousin at my shower and she did not bring a gift (not that it matters)- they did not attend our wedding.
2. They don't really have a relationship. It's my FIL's family, and my FIL has issues. I'm not sure what happened, but I know both parties are guilty
I feel a little bad sending one gift to one cousin, and not to the other. I'm not going to send one after reading everyones advice. While it doesn't matter they didn't send a congratulatory card or gift to us, I guess I'm having trouble justifying spending money we need on a gift for them. We will send a card, I hope it doesn't cause hurt feelings!
While you totally don't have to send a wedding gift because you weren't invited (and it onus is on them, because you DEFINATELY don't invite people to the shower that you didn't invite to the wedding!), I would suggest bringing a small shower gift if you're planning on attending. If, however, you're not going to attend the shower, send a card without a gift, or, if the two cousins talk, MAYBE a small gift (another poster suggested a $25 gift card?).
The only reason I suggest sending a gift AT ALL is because I was under the impression that if you were invited to the shower and the wedding you gave two gifts -- one at the shower, and one at the wedding. But maybe I'm totally off. =)
I agree - don't send a gift if you don't want to. I was once invited to TWO showers, and not to the wedding of a very close friend from highschool. It was like a slap in the face.
Honestly, Maureen2004, I am horrified that someone would send you a shower invitation and then not invite you to the wedding. HORRIFIED.
Miss Pinot Grigio is spot on: call the bride to say you regret that you will not be able to attend, congratulate her, and leave it at that.
When I realized I was being invited to a friend's shower and not the wedding I didn't attend the shower and I definitely didn't send a gift to either event. I think inviting someone to one and not the other is in bad taste and completley rude.
I probably wouldn't send a gift either. Part of me would feel bad because I sent a gift for the other cousin's shower, even though I wasn't invited to the wedding. But then the more practical side would say, who cares?! You're not invited to the wedding! And it's pretty rude to ask someone (especialy family) to come to a shower but not invite them to the wedding! If you feel really bad about it, send something small :)
same thing happened to me... i didn't send a gift but i guess it does look odd that you sent one to the other cousin and not this one which adds another factor to it all.
That seems very gift grabby. I would completely ignore the situation, but I'm a little passive aggressive. Definitely don't send a gift, even if they do compare notes later. They're still the rude ones.
People aren't supposed to send shower invites to people they aren't inviting to the wedding. I wouldn't send anything; she's just asking you for a gift without a real invite! Rude!
It sounds like the first time it happened you didn't realize you weren't going to be invited to the wedding and this time you did. I'm sure people will put two and two together if you don't send a gift this time, and if they don't, who really cares?
This is a blatant gift grab. Gross.
I would never send a gift for a shower I was invited to if I wasn't also invited to the wedding. That is totally rude!!!!!
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I wouldn't send a gift, since you're not invited to the wedding. However, I wouldn't jump to blaming her, since you don't know how much role she had in planning... theoretically, the bride isn't supposed to plan her own shower, and that plays out different ways in different families. If it's three weeks before her wedding, she may be overwhelmed and not paying close attention to shower details - maybe she'd be appalled and embarrassed, too!
Personally, I had to deal with a family member who wanted to throw a shower but didn't know the etiquette - she was talking about how she would invite all of her co-workers and friends... the only "out" I could find was saying that I wasn't sure whether we could find a date that would work... then I never called her until it was too late. So now I look rude, but at least a shower isn't being thrown in my honor with guests I've never met and don't plan to see again! Anyway, I guess my point is that awkward things happen around the shower, even if the bride knows the etiquette, because the host/hostess might not know. So no gift, but don't assume that you know who the tacky one is!
Thanks for your response about that to me. Since your FI hasn't seen them since he was 10, and that they have no relationship at all, I'd send a card. That is it.
Do not feel bad about it either. They are gift huntin'. It is very rude. Are these two cousins sisters? If so they she's hoping she will receive a gift for nothing like the other bride did.
Imho, and echoing my sister bees here, it is tacky rude of her.
@bellenga: Totally agree!
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Hi everyone:
My husband's cousin was married last year, invited me to the shower- we sent a gift- we were never invited to the wedding. Yesterday, I recieved a shower invite from another one of his cousin's (sister of cousin that got married last year)- no wedding invitation (the wedding is in three weeks). My question: Should I or should I not send a gift? Like most people, things are a little tight at the moment and I don't really want to spend the money, but feel like I should. What would you do?