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I know what you are asking. You are asking us to provide this one great answer that will allow you to be nice, not be confrontational, and not allow him to come, all while not offending your friend. Sorry. If you are absolutely sure you can't squeeze him in, you just need to tell her the truth, you did not budget for him and you want to wanted to keep this wedding small. (I added that last part in case she offers to pay for him.) She is probably going to get a little ticked and may even consider not coming, so be prepared. But, hey, you could get lucky and she could just say, "OK, no problem!" In her defense, she most likely doesn't know what just one extra person will cost you. If you were to tell her, which of course you wouldn't, she would understand immediately.
where is the wedding? destination weddings are hard....if she doesn't know anyone else, she may be uncomfortable there, and thus want to bring someone - it is most likely going to be her vacation too....and they may have already booked it! you just need to talk to her about it. be honest. tell her its not really in the budget....there's not much else you can do.
sorry - just read that she knew everyone....well, like pp, just tell her the truth.
I understand how you feel completely!! Something similar happened to me. We invited 60 guests -- all people that we knew well. It was semi-destination since 90% of our guests live far away.
My first and only "+1" was from my very close friend. At first, I was seriously annoyed that she didn't notice the invitation was only for her. To make it worse, her guest was her latest internet-boyfriend (dating for 3 months). She is typically a very independent gal and would have known several other people at our intimate wedding... she would have been fine to come alone.
The more I thought about it, I understood why they saw my "destination wedding" as their chance to take a quick vacation together. I realized that I was already asking a lot for to pay for airfare/hotel to come to my wedding. I worried that if I told her she couldn't bring a guest she might not come at all. The most important thing to me was having my friends there to support me. If that meant having one very random guest there, so be it. I decided to add her boyfriend to the guestlist.
We had so many people not be able to attend that this one extra dinner didn't break the budget anyway. His attendance proved to be fairly insignificant -- he was a nice guy, kept my friend happy, and went basically unnoticed. He actually gave me the biggest compliment of all by telling my friend that our wedding was exactly the kind he would want when he gets married.
I'm sure a lot of people will disagree with my approach. Of course I could have confronted her on principal. In the end, it just didn't matter that much to me. My friend is still talking about what a great time they had at my wedding.
My husband's aunt and uncle were invited with their two adult children (my husband's cousins). They RSVP'd for 4. Then about 3 weeks before the wedding they said that their son couldn't make it so their daughter (who was still coming) was bringing a friend in his place. No kidding!! Not a boyfriend, just a friend.
Well, we had room, it wasn't going to break the budget so we decided that although we thought it was really rude, we would just let it be. And although I still think it was inappropriate, they did drive 4 hours for our wedding and I know the cousin had a LOT more fun because the friend was there. And in the end, your guests being happy is important.
My guess is your friend knows her BF may not be invited and is trying to test it out with you. Maybe she could have been more direct about it, but she was probably unsure how to do it. If she is travelling, consider finding room for her BF. Yes, its presumptous. But if she is among the 30-40 closest people to you guys, she must be pretty important to you and it might be worth letting this one go - and then telling her how happy you are that they are coming!!
See, you've made your wedding sound like too much fun. :)
I agree w/ Mrs. Pom's and Janna's approach....I would definitely let it be, too...and, while you're at it, be gracious about it....tell her you're happy they're coming and that you look forward to meeting him. And put his name on the invitation, when it goes out. Yes, $200+ is a lot of money, but, in the long run, it's really not worth hurting her feelings or embarassing her over.
I'd let her bring him. It's a lot to ask people to come to destination weddings, especially in the current economy, and if she is that important to you, let her bring someone who is important to her.
I hardly ever see some of my friends anymore, except at weddings, and it may be that she wants to bring her new boy to show him off to all your mutual friends that she doesn't get to see very often. Quite frankly, in all the weddings I've been to I hardly get to spend any time with the bride and groom, and it's more of an opportunity to re-bond with my friends (and celebrate the wedding)
I'd let her bring him also if you want her there. She has to travel for your wedding, I know it's not cheap- but you knew what you were getting yourself into when you decided to have your wedding at the location. I don't think the cost should be an issue if it was your doing.
If you really don't want him there, I would just let her know- but expect her not to be real thrilled about attending and feeling a little slighted. It's costing her money to come to your wedding.
sucks, i think i am going to have a lot of problems like this... oh well, must deal with it when it comes... i was thinking of putting "you have x seats reserved for you" just so I won't have my coworkers bringing their kids etc.
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Oooh. Putting his name on the invitation is a great idea. Not only does it make you appear gracious when you're really peeved, but it will also point out that it's not acceptable to bring "just a friend" if they don't happen to still be together when the date rolls around. That's awesome.
I think livvie has the best point of all. Our biggest regret about our wedding is that we got to spend so little time with our guests. And everyone tells me that is typical. Even with a fairly small wedding, you are so occupied with actually getting married, having pictures taken, etc that it's not at all like taking a vacation or having a great dinner party with your friends. So you really have to hope that they have a great time with each other - because odds are they are not going to be spending much time with you.
Even though theoretically we're all strong, independent, modern women (or men) the fact is that a whole lot of people just don't like to travel alone. And that goes for driving across the state - let alone flying across the country, or to another country. Spending the time and money that it takes to get to a destination wedding can be significant for a lot of people - to the point that it may become the vacation they get this year. In that case, you can sort of see why they might not want to take that vacation alone.
Anyway, the other piece of advice I have is this - in the beginning, I was pretty militant about the guest list. I had really definate ideas about who should be on it and why, and while I'm not saying that those ideas were bad, by the time we got to a month before the wedding, I really cared a lot less. One or two people more doesn't really break the bank; people that you could have sworn were going to come bag for no good reason at the last minute. It really all evens out.
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This has happened to us with several guests. We stood our ground mainly because if you give in to one, you will have to give in to them all. And yes, there will be more after you send out the invitations -- so if you don't deal with this one right away it will only get worse. If we had given in (like some others have suggested) we would have a guest list of 20 more than we do -- that would be almost $2000 more for guests we don't know and would have put us over budget (I guess I don't need a photographer...)
I found that one of two things happened when we explained that were were only inviting married and engaged couples (no boyfriends):
In the second case our response was, "Well, we will miss you at the wedding".
Case #1 happened more often than Case #2 -- In fact we only have one guest not attending because her boyfriend was not invited.
Thanks for all your help and advice!
I think Caliocteach had a good point since someone else wrote that they will be also be bringing their (completely unknown) uninvited boyfriend. However, she is a different case since she literally knows no one at the wedding except me (childhood friend).
I totally appreciate that our guests are travelling a long distance at a great cost to attend our wedding in Europe. We are doing a lot for them too to make sure they feel appreciated. The wedding itself is not the only cost we will bear for our guests and unfortunately we are not made of gold. It's a tricky balance - friends, politics and money.
I'm mostly miffed that she ASSUMED he could just come. Like I said, if she had asked, I would've probably said yes (I might still just let it go). I guess it's the principle of it in addition to a few other things and because of that I feel the need to be a hard ass. Also, if I were better friends with her, I think I would be way more lenient.
We told a few others they could bring their significant others (just bf's and gf's) and each last one of them said that they didn't presume they were invited and were prepared to travel without them.
And let's be honest. Weddings are expensive. I know I've signed on for this and it's par for the course, etc but even if 5 uninvited guests show that's an extra $2000 with EVERYTHING factored in. That's like paying double for the rehearsal dinner. If it were a mere $50-100 per person, this would be a no-brainer.
Anyway, this guest's quasi-boyfriend can still come to Europe and travel around with her without attending the wedding. Right?
Lastly, for those who are interested and to get a few things off my chest, here are a few different factors that I didn't previously mention:
[1] We are friends but we aren't close at all. She used to be better friends with my fiance and she is still very close with so many of our other guests which is why we invited her. The bottom line, we don't talk much on a regular basis. She didn't even bother responding to a bunch of emails I sent out about coordinating things like apartments and trips. In fact, she was the only one who didn't respond.
[2] I'm not even sure he's her boyfriend. They haven't been dating long as far as I know...maybe 3 months? Probably less? Oh, and he's 10 years younger than us, which is not a big deal to me but I'm not sure how much fun our wedding will be for someone out of college who doesn't know anyone there.
[3] On the two occassions I've met him after we announced our wedding, he has made no effort to talk to us - not at all. If he thought he was coming to our wedding, wouldn't he want to get to know us somewhat?
[4] Our wedding is going to be atypical. It will be more of an elaborate dinner party than a traditional wedding. We have thrown several parties with 30 people and it was easy to talk and hang out with everyone.
[5] I'm pretty sure she'll come either way. Especially since she has expressed enthusiasm for coming before she was dating this guy. I don't think she would miss an opportunity to go on a big trip with this group of friends.
I'm confused, in one part of your last post you said she knew nobody and then you said you knew a lot of people and that's why she was invited.
As far as him coming to Europe with her, but him not being able to come to the wedding? Tacky, IMO. It's obvious that you don't want him to come, so tell her and see what she says. If she decides not to come without him, you've saved $200. Though, if you're allowing others to bring SO, you really can't tell her no. So she didn't ask you, big deal. It sounds like your more mad about the fact that she didn't ask, then the actual guest, which is a little ridiculous. It's a waste of energy. Relax! Have fun! Most people don't like traveling alone, especially out of the country. Also, they have to be fairly serious if they're planning on traveling together. Right?
Good Luck with whatever you decide, but remember that you'll be happy in the end no matter what and one guy extra isn't going to change that.
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KateMW:
She actually said that this girl knew MOST of the people attending the wedding. She never says anything about her not knowing anyone. The only thing she said about someone not knowing anyone is when she was referring to the alleged boyfriend. It's also not just $200. The $200 is for food alone. The OP is also picking up other expenses and it sounds like the total they are paying for each guest is around $400. And that is a big deal.
Also, I wouldn't assume that they are serious just because they are talking about traveling together. There are a lot of people that rush into things or just like to travel and don't mind going with somebody that isn't necessarily their significant other. And she probably wouldn't be traveling alone since she is good friends with a lot of the other guests...
Pigweed, I don't think it's tacky at all if he were to come to Europe and not attend the wedding. He wasn't invited. Maybe he could come after the sit down dinner portion (unless you are planning for the dinner party to not move from the table). If you let him come or not, it's understandable. I would say just let him, but $400 is a steep price to pay just to make someone feel comfortable - especially someone you clearly aren't close with. If you don't let him come and she comes anyway, great! If you don't and she decides to not come and is mad at you, that sucks but since you really aren't close with her, big deal. She's an adult and should learn to behave like one.
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We are only inviting boyfriends/girlfriends/fiancees of our guests if we either know them personally or the guest would clearly be very uncomfortable without them.
To this we have one exception - if the guest has to travel to come to the wedding we are inviting their boyfriend/girlfriend even if we are not close with the date. I think it's kind of harsh to say either (1) you have to fly solo to another country or (2) your boyfriend can come with you on the trip, but the night of the wedding he has to find his own thing to do.
Random question - how is it costing $400 per person? What are you getting for this price? (I'm interested to hear!)
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I thought she said in the first paragraph of her last post that she didn't know anybody. I'm so confused! Oh well, even if she knows people I still think it's rude not to allow him to attend if he comes all the way to Europe. Also, if she's having other's bring their SO just because they asked, it's kinda crappy to hold a grudge for her not asking and punish her for not asking. It's a bit petty IMO.
Also, where are you getting the $400? I see $200 plus a favor, place setting and a chair. If that adds up to $400, I would like to come to the wedding as well, because it must be great! :) I love a good wedding! I'll even ask!
How does your fiance feel about the situation? You mentioned he was close friends with this person.
A few years ago I went to Norway with my boyfriend (now ex) to attend the wedding of his close friend. I'm so glad I didn't have to wait at the hotel while everyone else was at this gorgeous wedding! I can't imagine being excluded after traveling to Europe.
I 100% think this is more about the trip to europe than the wedding. I honestly would never travel to Europe by myself just for a wedding and then go home, because i wouldn't take an awesome vacation like that by myself. So, I would skip the wedding if I couldn't go with someone, unless all my really close friends were there and we had planned the trip together. I guess I just think that if someone would be will to travel halfway around the world just to come to my wedding, the least I could do is allow them to bring someone if they wanted to do so, clearly you are important to this person, and you never know - this bf could be her future husband. I also don't understand the issue that he doesn't talk to you - perhaps he is shy and whatever around new people? especially people so much older than him? I also don't know that I would even be inviting people halfway around the world if it wasn't someone I spoke with on a daily basis or immediate family.
I agree with Dreambm1 - it's about the trip, not the wedding. I don't know if I would travel to Europe alone to attend a wedding either, unless I was going with a tight group of friends.
Since she notified you during the STdate time period, maybe that is her way of letting you know that she needs to bring a guest to feel comfortable, maybe that's her way of asking permission.
Well. After reading your latest response (and maybe I'm reading it wrong) it doesn't sound to me like you would be at all broken up if she just didn't come. In fact, I'm not too sure why you are inviting her at all. I guess that if I was getting married in Europe, I would really be inviting only people that I was quite close to - which wouldn't include someone who doesn't answer my emails, and whom I don't talk to.
However, you really have three choices, as you pointed out. You can't stop her from bringing her boyfriend to Europe, but you can tell her he isn't welcome at the wedding. Or you can figure that if she is willing to spend the time and money to come all that way, you could throw her a (albeit expensive for you) bone. Of you could just not invite her at all, if you think this is going to be a source of ongoing angst for you. Since your last response sounds like you really don't like her much - maybe she's actually better friends with your FI - why don't you ask him what he thinks?
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Everyone has put in their two cents about the wedding but I guess it all comes down to what you are really comfortable with, and are prepared to live with your decision and for whatever consequences may come of it, ie. she will be incredibly offended and your friendship may suffer. It is your wedding after all. In that sense, however, you have to consider if $200 is worth perhaps losing a friendship over. A co-worker asked me the day before my wedding whether it was ok to bring her sometimes "boyfriend", someone I know has not treated her with respect in the past and she has dumped and he has dumped her many times in the past. I said no, mostly because in my opinion, this was some random guy, and also because I was ready to defend my position and had no problem if other people judged me because of it because I was doing what I thought was right. So if you are ready to defend your decision, tell her NO. Just take responsibility for your actions.
In response to a comment above, I think that "dis-inviting" this girl is not an option. After all, she's gotten a save-the-date and a bunch of e-mails about trip details....I just can't imagine not inviting someone after all that, unless they killed my dog or something. It would be much ruder than whatever rudeness was inherent in the invitee's assumption that her boyfriend was invited. While the author of this thread has made clear that she is angry at her invitee, I don't think that the invitee's e-mail justifies scratching her off the guest list entirely.
The original poster said that she's expecting 30-40 guests at her wedding.....if she's budgeted for up to 40, perhaps all 40 won't attend and this one person _won't_ break the bank.
It's too late in this situation, but maybe there needs to be a rule of thumb for wedding planning in general: destination wedding couples should budget assuming that their single guests will bring a date, for the reasons others have discussed.
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I had a little bit of a problem when I was considering "and guest" with my invites. I thought "why should someone be penalized?" for not having a partner in their life? The thing that made my decision was if that "single" person had other people at the wedding whom they could socialize with. If they didn't know anyone else, I let them invite "and guest". Also, I tried to put them at a table with other single people too. Anyways, that's how I dealt with "and guest" with my wedding...
maryalison - i totally agree. I think that if you choose to have a destination wedding you need to let people bring guests. I would love for that to become the new norm.
KATEMW....the girl in question KNOWS everyone...on her latest response the poster brought up a 2nd girl who wants to bring an unknown also...but that 2nd girl DOESN'T know anyone.
I think that if you let 1 in...you need to let the other one...and as great as it is to think that people invited to destination weddings are coming JUST for the wedding...that's mostly wrong...most people outside your immediate family think of it as a vacation where you know there's gonna be a party!
V~ Not sure what you're SCREAMING, but I agree with you. If you let one bring a guest, you need to let them all bring one.
lol..not screaming...but I use a Mac...so the bold function does not work for me...have to cap all the words I want "bold". ;)
AH. I'm a Mac user too. I get it. So pretty, but complicated sometimes. I get it now. :)
Perhaps this will all be moot because the invitee has not mentioned her current flame AT ALL in regards to the wedding since the start of this post. ("I'm looking for my plane ticket..." rather than "We're looking...") Or perhaps she saw this post! Eek!
To address the idea of letting everyone bring guests:
This wedding is way too expensive for us to just let everyone bring a guest. That would almost double our numbers (we have A LOT of very single friends) so although I'd love to be generous I literally can't afford it. Also, I want it to be itimiate as previously stated and to have 10 or so extra people who I don't know is not something I want at my wedding.
By the way, my fiance is just as conflicted as I am.
Like I said, I am not close with this person (which is not to say I don't like her as some people have mistakenly gleaned). Because of this (but not to sound harsh), I wouldn't have missed her at the wedding but at the same time, it would've been weird NOT to invite - because she is pretty close with 75% of the confirmed guests outside of family. It's such a really unique case.
There is currently only one confirmed guest who we don't know and she is a very serious girlfriend of a very close friend. There is one other boyfriend of another close guest who is coming but we know him much better than any other "+1" in question because he has always been in the periphery of our friend group. If my childhood friend decides to come (which she may not), I would let her bring her boyfriend w/o hesitation for 2 reasons: [a] though we don't always keep in best touch, we are close (she's my oldest friend) and [b] she knows no one.
I think with such a personal event like this, I am entitled some discretion about my guest list. I don't think it needs to be so black and white - to either unilaterally allow or not allow +1's seems more extreme than trying to deal with 1 or 2 odd cases.
For those of you who are wondering what is costing us so much. It's mostly the euro. When we booked this, we weren't expecting it to be quite so bad and now we're paying an extra 0.60 on the dollar. (Why didn't I invest in euros in 2006????) We are also hosting a rehearsal dinner for everyone who is attending in addition to giving out really nice favors, welcome bags, covering transportation around the city, etc - it all really adds up! Even with just 30 or so guests.
Thanks again for everyone's feedback. It was very helpful to hear all sides!
Just curious, but do you know who is definitely coming to the wedding? We were suprised at some people who told us (after the safe the dates) that they were 100% coming and then rsvp's to the invites no. We were shocked by some of the people who said yes too. About a year after we started dating my husband and I were invited to wedding in Sicily, which is way more inconvient to get to than Rome or Florence for example, and even though he was good friends with the groom we were considering not going because of how expensive the trip would be. I was one of the 40 total guests invited and they had never met me. If I wasn't invited there's no way he would have gone. Who wants to be in such a romantic place alone? I think if you make this one exceprion, especially since it seems to be a big deal for your friend, that in the end it won't make a difference. People ALWAYS cancel last minute (annoying but true) and I bet you end up paying for at least one no-show anyway :(
Oy. For those of you who care (at this point I'm just venting)...My guest in question just told me that her boyfriend can't make it so she would like to bring one of her friends as her "date."
Am I crazy or is she being out of line?
As a lot of people have already stated, the issue seems to be the traveling alone, not attending the wedding alone. So, a friend, a boyfriend, a relative, whatever, she just wants someone to make the trip with and to spend time with outside of the wedding.
If you want to allow that or not is up to you but I can say that I would not want to travel to Europe (or pretty much anywhere for that matter) by myself. Hope you get it all figured out.
Hmmm.
Regardless of her bringing this date or not, she is NOT travelling alone. She is already bringing her boyfriend but he just can't make it to the wedding itself as he is flying back to the US that day.
As stated, she knows virtually everyone at the wedding very well. In fact she is staying with a bunch of the guests who are her close friends.
Her new date is totally gratuitous. He would just be coming for the wedding itself.
Anyway, I told her no.
P.S. it makes more sense to know that her "date" lives in Europe which is why he is able to breeze through for the day.
Ok so we are now confronted with this problem. We have just sent out our save the date via email. The guest in question is the sister of a friend of ours (not very good friends but childhood friends of my fiance), so we decided from our side that we can't invite the guy and not his sister so we would invite the guy and his sister and not any partners (as far as we know they are not in serious relationships or at least have not been for more than 6 months). I sent her and her brother separate save the dates via email and it did not mention anything about who was actually invited or suggest a partner or +1 of any sort, yet her reply was "thanks so much, we would love to be there, Regards "her and her boyfriend's name"???? Who does this?? We don't even know this guy and yet she deliberately mentions that he will be joining her. This is SO rude! It's not even an invite yet and it seems she is letting us know that he will be invited. Not even a polite question to clarify if this includes a +1..We have decided that the only option, is to send out the actual invite with just the guy and his sister's name on it, and perhaps send her a friendly email explaining that we had not included a +1 for her or her brother in our guest list due to budget reasons and that we hope she understands our situation. If she doesn't understand, well then we don't need or want her there. Only question is, do we tell her now or only when we send out the invite?
@sdee: I would definitely tell her now. She may be pissed off for awhile, but by the time the invites come out she probably would have forgot all about it, or maybe not even be with the guy anymore.
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We are having a destination wedding and due to the exchange rate, the price per person is NOT cheap. The food alone is about $200 per person which doesn't include favors, extra place setting and chairs, blah blah blah. Also note, it's a small intimate wedding (30-40) for mostly close friends and family.
Well...one of our guests has rudely assumed she can bring a guest - a guy she has been semi-newly dating. In an email she recently wrote, "Just letting you know that me and 'John' will be coming..." The invites haven't even gone out yet (just save the dates).
Our relationship with this guest is sort of weird - we know her well enough to invite her to our wedding but not well enough to know details about her dating life. I don't know the status of her relationship with this guy - just that they have been dating. Also worth mentioning - of all our guests, she will know the MOST people at our wedding so she won't be in danger of feeling "alone."
Because the wedding is small, we made it a point to only invite people we knew with the exception of only one person - a serious girlfriend of a close friend who we don't know very well.
I DO want everyone to have a good time. I guess if she had just asked if it was okay - that it would mean lot to her - I would be a softie and just cave in. But I think it's really rude she just assumed. And frankly, I don't want to pay for him to be there since I don't know him at all and the few times I casually met him, he made no effort to get to know me.
HOW DO I BROACH THIS SUBJECT WITH GUESTS WHO THINK THEY CAN JUST BRING ANYONE TO THE WEDDING?
(Note: I am a giant wuss)
Sorry I'm so long winded - this situation is a little complicated.
Thanks for any help!