Post # 1
So, one of my ex-boyfriends seems to believe he’s getting an invitations to our wedding. We attend college together and maintained contact since we had many similar classes.
He’s a decent guy and both FI and I consider him a “friend” just not a real close friend. Surprisingly enough (or not really once I put some thought into it) he considers FI his best friend and me one of his really close friends.
I think I would be ok with just inviting him, but the problem is his woman. The last time we talked was in high school and she was yelling across the hallway she was going to kick my a**. Apparently she was doing the thing where you beat up your new boyfriends last girlfriend or something like that (We hadn’t dated for a year at this point, and no we didn’t fight. I was on my way to lunch when she caused this scene and lunch was much more important). I think they’re engaged, and they have a baby.
I would rather not invite her, advice on how to break it to my ex that he’s not getting an invite?
Post # 3
If he’s someone you genuinely consider a friend, I think just say “Given [ex’s current girlfriend]’s reaction to seeing me at [situation], I think she might find it really uncomfortable if we invited you guys to our wedding. I hope you understand that we don’t want her to be uncomfortable, and we’re also worried that she may act that way again on our special day if she gets upset by something.”
Sure, it’s putting all the blame on her, but I have no tolerance for women that are so insecure that they want to kill any woman that has ever been close to their boyfriend.
Post # 4
How long has it been since that incident in high school? Maybe she’s matured and can behave herself around you now, especially since you’re both getting married and she has a child. Ask your ex how he thinks she would act around you now. I have trouble believing that she would still cause issues years later.
Post # 5
Doesn’t sound like you guys are close… whatsoever. Especially so as the reference you have here goes back to HS… WTH ?
FaceBook “friends” and Real Life Friends are two different things.
All this under consideration, I don’t get WHY the want to invite him / them … at all.
From an Etiquette point of view… the generally accepted rule in life is that Past Suitors are in th past, and so have no necessary requirement to be in the present or the future.
Having a room filled with past loves on one’s Wedding Day is IMO awkward to say the least. This is not a stroll down memory lane… this is a walk up the aisle to the ONE I am committing my life to, forever.
Which is why, I like this particular Rule of Etiquette.
Hope this helps,
Post # 6
@LadyElva: Great response.
@MiraJo: Is she still like that or has she changed since high school? Maybe talk to your ex and say, “We’d love you have you at our wedding but we’re concerned about (girlfriend’s) behavior considering how she acted the last time we saw each other.” If she’s mellowed out some and he isn’t worried about her behaving poorly, that could be a good sign.
Post # 7
@LadyElva: Thanks! That’s pretty much what I needed.
@Ellyson: It’s been 4 years and I think she’s become a little more secure in the relationship since the baby. About a year ago (when she was newly pregnant) we tried to invite them over for dinner and she wouldn’t have anything to do with it. We stopped trying to be friends with her after that. :/
@This Time Round: I see him at least 3 days a week and FI sees him about every day. We do consider him a friend, and apparently he considers us his really good friends. I don’t want to hurt his feelings and straight up say his girl is crazy so he can’t come.
Post # 8
Etiquette Snob official answer…
Well if they are married… living together, or engaged… the rule is they are a recognized Social Unit. So IF you invite one, you invite them both !!
And NO don’t tell him you are worried about his SOs possible behaviour… that is extremely RUDE and offensive.
On the otherhand, if you can’t see yourselves with her there… as I said you have an out “No Exes”…
You don’t have to explain the NO Invite to him… he’d have to be pretty dense to not comprehend the WHY… but if he did ask… you’d be ok in telling him specifically WHY
“Hubby and I decided having Exes at our Wedding wasn’t appropriate, I’m sure you understand”
(Of course then, you’d have to follow thru on that aspect and make sure there were NO OTHERS in attendance either)
Hope this helps,
Post # 9
Ettiquette or not I think it would be weird to be like “Hubby and I decided having Exes at our Wedding wasn’t appropriate, I’m sure you understand. However, hubby would still like to chill with you on a daily basis after the wedding and I’m ok with seeing you every couple of days as usual.”
Just saying, that is going to alter your friendship. If you guys don’t really mind, then go for it.
I personally would be up front with him. He considers you guys very close friends and typically having open/honest conversations with close friends is ok. Tell him you know she refuses to have dinner with you, she won’t truly want to be at your wedding, and you don’t want to make it awkward for you and her. You want the people there to be those who are an important part of your life.
Post # 10
While I think she should have broken up with him long ago if she wasn’t comfortable with his contact with an ex (or at least she should’ve asked him to stop contacting you), the fact is that they now have a baby and severing ties isn’t so easy.
This ‘friendship’ has obviously caused a lot of rifts. Sure, I think her behavior when you were back in high school was immature. But I also wouldn’t want anymore part in this family drama – there’s no way for you to invite him solo and to do it politely. And if you invite the whole family and things haven’t changed, you risk having a scene at your wedding. The solution? You break the truth as soon as possible.
You tell him, “I’m sorry, it’s going to be a really small wedding/ Your girlfriend and I have had some troubles in the past, so I think it’s best if we just catch up sometime after the wedding.”
It’s likely going to alter things and maybe even cause some friction – but given the circumstances, hopefully he will understand.