(Closed) inviting an old flame to the wedding?

posted 10 years ago in Etiquette
Post # 3
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

both of you have veto power when it comes to inviting guests. he needs to be on your side now. but yes, you have the option of being the bigger person as well. you have the right to be completely happy at your wedding, free from negative feelings raised by any of your guests. he of course can let you know the reasons that he feels she should be there (we all want our closest friends by our side). so if you think you can still be happy as can be with her present, then yes, let her come. but if you think she will bring you down, ask him to respect your wishes now that he will become your husband and let him know that you are not entirely comfortable with the idea, not b/c you feel threatened but b/c of the past. and on any other day but your wedding day, you can let bygones be bygones, but you deserve to feel the way you do.  if i were in your shoes, i’d let her come if there was never anything going on with the two of them. however, if they did have any sort of relationship, sorry, i’d veto that idea immediately. πŸ˜›  good luck!!

Post # 4
Member
83 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2009

i say no to the ho! it’s totally going to ruin your day.

but when bring up to your hubby-to-be, ask him to really consider your feelings. no yelling, no name calling. just explain to him how uncomfortable you are.

i honestly wouldn’t know how to handle if he keeps insisting to send her an invite though. you might have to be the bigger person and give in…but i guess you could always stick her in the back during the reception.

Post # 5
Member
116 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Yikes! I understand your feelings about not inviting the HO. I’d feel the same way, only you must keep the bigger picture in mind. He chose you and not her! You have the ring, not her! He will only have eyes for you and no one else.  Plus Reesey has a good point…you have th power to do whatever you like…like accidentally putting her at the kids table or at the way back corner table at the reception. Opps! πŸ™‚ Be creative!

Post # 6
Member
2765 posts
Sugar bee

regardless of whether or not you agree to invite her, it sounds like you guys have a lot of issues to sort out around this girl and the break you guys took in your rel’p.  maybe some counselling would help work through those feelings? 

then you could make a decision afterwards together, knowing that a lot of the feelings had already been dealt with.

Post # 7
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

Well, you could look at it this way.  He’s inviting her to witness him eternally professing his love for you.  She’s there to watch him pick you.  He’s obviously comfortable having her there when he’s clearly chosen you and put her behind him.  When you think of it that way, doesn’t it almost make you want to have her there?

My honest reaction to your post is that you are being a little bit petty when you clearly won the guy’s heart.  She didn’t.  If she’s there, you don’t have to spend the evening socializing with her, but she’s a friend of your fiance’s and he should be allowed to invite his friends.  If you have an issue with her as a person, that’s one thing, but it sounds like you have an issue with her simply because she was someone your fiance was once interested in, and that means to me that you and your fiance have a bigger issue to work out.  Why is this still bothersome to you if he’s moved past it?  Maybe the end of their relationship lacks finality or closure for you.  In any case I think that the problem is more that you are still upset about her and not whether to invite her to the wedding.  The suggestion to seek counselling to work this out is a good one.  You don’t want to start out your marriage without full trust that your partner can be faithful to you.

Post # 9
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

No, if you don’t like her as a person, that doesn’t make you petty πŸ˜‰  I hope I didn’t come off too harsh.  I just worry that when people say things like this, that maybe they are going to be entering marriage with some unresolved issues.  Don’t get me wrong, I dont’ think it’s unhealthy to have concerns or "baggage" of any kind; we all have a past that affects our outlook.  I just think it’s so important to work those things out – whether you go to counselling or just talk to your fiance, make sure you are ready to make such a big commitment to each other.  To me, if you trust your fiance completely, then I would think it would be okay to just invite her, so I thought maybe there was something deeper bugging you that you might want to talk to him about.  But we’re not the same person.  Do you wish he just wasn’t friends with her at all?  I think a person should be allowed to invite their friends to their wedding but if there’s a major history between your fiance and this girl that is upsetting to you, maybe he shouldn’t be friends with her.  I don’t know.  That is something for you and your fiance to work out.

Post # 10
Member
21 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2009

its your day. if it makes you feel even slightly uncomfortable then dont. but then there are the perks of you standing next to her looking waaaaay more beautiful in your wedding gown with your hair and makeup perfectly done. πŸ™‚ your new husband will be embarassed that he ever thought he was in love with her!

Post # 11
Member
45 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: June 2008

My fiance and I talked about inviting our ex’s to our wedding.  Partly because we spent such a large time of our lives with the person and still care for them and partly because it’s secretly going to be great to stand up there and, well… shove it in their faces!  Although we get along with our ex’s now, and we appreciate the "learning experience", we also are a little resentful of the amount of time we spent "learning".  I don’t know for sure if we’ll do it, but if we do it will be fine with both of us. 

If you don’t want her there and he does, I think you should talk to your fiance about how you feel about her and that it makes up upset that he wants her to go.  Like smartl said, there might or might not be underlying issues that should be addressed before you tie the knot.

Post # 12
Member
1458 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2008

I hope this doens’t sound too harsh but, if he loved you as much as one should to marry you, then the simple "It makes me uncomfortable to have her there" would be enough for him to not invite her. Yes, I’m sure there would be some hurt feelings, if he did really want her there because they are just friends (which I’m not getting as being the case), but I would hope that would be gotten over long before the role down the isle.

In my most unprofesional opinion, going off my woman instanct solely – I would have to say he still has feelings for her, enough to fight you for this on YOUR wedding day. Given that the two of you had an open relationship before, which I’m assuming has stopped now (correct me if I’m wrong) he may still be functioning on those vibes.  Do you want some boyfriend stearler to be struting around your reception telling anyone who will listen about the good times she had with the groom? Monopolizing his time as well?

Lesbian or not, she obviously has feeling for him still or at least despises you enough to try to turn him against you – you don’t want that to happen at your wedding!

You’re supposed to surround yourself with those you both love and care for and who feel the same way about you. I say tell him no, keep it no and then tell him he seems to have unresolved emotions for her and he should really get that sorted before you meet him at the altar.

I’m so sorry you’re going through this. 

Post # 13
Member
5 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2004

Unless its a family member(those are the tricky ones) I believe anyone who makes either of the couple uncomfortable should be excluded.  He should respect your feelings over hers.

Post # 14
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

no no no NO NO no NO NOOOOOOOO! THE ANSWER IS NO. no thankyou. not a chance. never. nononononon! this is your wedding! Why on earth does he even want her there?!?!!?!?!?! NO!

Post # 15
Member
89 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

@mrsbiddyf:  

 

lol. amen sister πŸ™‚

Post # 16
Member
192 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

Theres no way I would let my SO invite someone like that to our wedding! There is no way I am going to let some little ho make me feel uncomfortable on the most important day of my life, my wedding day! Just my opinion anyway…

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