Post # 1
I have two cousins who are about 10+ years older than me, and when they got married, I wasn’t invited to their weddings. They were having “kid-free” weddings, and I was 13. They said their cut-off was high school age, and as the youngest cousins, this meant everyone was invited except for my sister and me (quiet, polite 13 and 10 year olds). My other cousins in high school were each given +1s on their invites, so it didn’t really seem like a money issue, it seemed more like they just found a way to exclude us (I guess their parents don’t like my parents as much).
Anyway, fast-forward 15+ years, and it’s my turn to get married. I’m having a huge outdoor wedding and inviting tons of kids. However, I still feel a bit of resistance knowing not only do I have to invite these cousins who didn’t invite me, but they each now have 3 kids (high school and junior high age). It would cost me almost $1000 to host these two cousins and their families if they attended.
We aren’t close, and I don’t know the kids very well. I think I’m going to just invite the cousins and their husbands. My plan is to address their invitations to cousin + husband by name, and hope they only RSVP for themselves. If they ask why their kids aren’t invited, I don’t know what I’ll say. They’ll be the *only* kids not invited, and there is clearly room at the venue. I could say it’s out of the budget.
What are the Bees’ thoughts on this situation?
Post # 3
You don’t have to invite them but I think you should discuss with your parents before deciding 🙂
Post # 4
If the reason for not inviting their kids is because you weren’t invited to theirs as a kid, I think that’s wrong and you should invite them. It’s been 15 years, it’s time to let that go and move on. If you have other, compelling reasons for not inviting them but inviting other kids, then that’s a different story.
Post # 5
@MrsWBS: agreed. As a bride, you know now that everyone’s budget and guest list is different. If you want them there, invite them. But don’t not invite them out of spite for something that happened when you were a kid years ago.
Post # 6
I think you should either invite the whole family or not invite the cousins. I’m not trying to be mean, but they may truly have wanted an adults only wedding and not have been trying to exclude you. Its easier to have a clear cut off (such as no one under 14) to avoid offense. Clearly it didn’t work in your case. However, inviting everyone else’s children while excluding theirs would be rude.
I can understand why you are upset, but invite the whole family or none at all.
Post # 7
@MrsWBS: +1 Even if they don’t ask, they will see all of the other people with their kids and be unsure of why their own kids weren’t invited. Although you may think that they should have made an exception for you, they then would have to have made an exception for every (maybe the inlaws had a lot of kids or their friends have kids). I don’t think you should take it personally (especially since it happened so long ago).
ETA: I think it’s rather petty if you choose not to invite them just because they didn’t invite you. Would another guideline work? Such as not inviting people you haven’t seen or talked to in over a year?
Post # 8
They didn’t want kids at their wedding, it was probably not personal it was just their choice for their wedding. It’s silly to hold that against them 15 years later. My parents went to my dad’s cousin’s wedding in Bermuda when I was around 8 and my brother and I weren’t invited. (Kids can be left at home with a babysitter, even for a DW!!) I love that cousin and can’t imagine her and her daughter not being at my wedding because I didn’t go to hers as a child!
Post # 9
You can either not invite them at all or invite the kids as well. Not inviting the kids is just so ridiculously immature.
Post # 10
ok, invites are NOT reciprocal like that. I’m having a tiny wedding with a handful of people, I doubt that means I will never get invited to another wedding ever again. you don’t know them that well so that would be one reason to skip the invite but you describe your wedding as “huge” so it seems like you’re just being kind of petty. 15 years ago and you still remember????
Post # 11
Eh, I get it OP. I’d be kind of pissed too- especially because at that age, you desperately want to feel grown up.
Do whatever you want, it’s your wedding! Just be sure you’re ready to face the backlash if theirs are the only kids who aren’t invited.
Post # 12
Thanks for the feedback, everyone! When you’re wrapped up in crazy-bride-land, it’s good for someone to remind you when something is “petty.”
I originally had everyone on the guest list, but my parents were the ones who said, “You’re going to pay for their whole families to come to the wedding, when they cut you out of theirs?” I think there was some adult-politics going on at the time that made them feel my exclusion (and the +1s for all of my other cousins) was deliberate, so they got me thinking I shouldn’t be inviting all of the kids. They’re the only cousins with kids, so it wouldn’t be too obvious, but our friends’ kids will be there.
While my wedding is “huge” (we’re inviting 260, so it’s more like “pretty big”), we’re keeping the budget as tight as possible (basic decorations, fake flowers, DIY music, small honeymoon), so an extra 6 people that I don’t really want there feels like a big deal. Maybe I’ll bring this back around to my fiance, so he can bring in an unbiased opinion and help decide if he’s comfortable with potentially spending money on the extra guests.
Post # 13
@sunsetchristy: Just a thought (this is what we’re doing)- you could do “no second cousins”.
Post # 14
@MrsBeck: that’s very true. No second cousins sounds like a good policy to me.
I wouldn’t invite them if it’s going to cost $1100 just for their family and you’re trying to be budget conscious. If you think they’ll decline if you don’t invite their kids then invite them without their kids and hope they decline (but they may not so be prepared)…if you don’t talk much and aren’t close then I don’t see the problem with not inviting them. I have a ton of cousins across the country & I will not be inviting all of them. In fact, I’ll probably only be inviting 4 out of 20-30. If it upsets people, oh well. If I don’t even know your wife’s name or I haven’t seen you in 5 years (and barely spoken in the mean time), I’m not paying a ton of money to have you attend my wedding.
Post # 15
@sunsetchristy: are you blood related to them? If not, I say don’t invite them. Heck, i know a lot of relatives, but they aren’t all blood related. So they won’t be getting an invite from me I since I barely see them. Plus they didn’t invite us to their kids wedding too, so eh?
Post # 16
@MrsWBS: This, completely. It seems extremely petty to keep a grudge from 15+ years ago going by inviting everyone’s kids except for theirs.