My fiance's family is huge, and trying to fit everyone into the guest list within our budget constraints has been very hard! Who else has been dealing with family v.s. the budget?
We thought we had everything figured out guest wise until I realized something.....There is one person in his family that I hate, I despise this person.
Background: I grew up with my fiance's nieces and nephews and never even knew it! How weird is that? I went to school with one of his nephews, (for this case I'll name him Derp) Derp from second grade until Freshman year when I finally withdrew from the school because I was being horriably bullied. From second grade until Freshman year my fiance's nephew was one of my main tormentors, he loved making fun of me in gym calling me "fat", made moo-ing sounds if I ran. I have very large breasts and I was developing faster then my other girl classmates so if they moved at all during gym he would yell out, "don't black your eyes!" or "Oh no! Her titties are going to hit someone, run!" Then a nasty rumor spread about me being a lesbian which was not true and he said even more hurtful things like, "You're going to hell" , "Lesbo", "Dyke." We always had the same lunch period and when I sat down to eat he'd yell hurtful things like, "Why are you eating? You're too fat!" or "Oh my God! She's going to break the table!" It got so bad at lunch I stopped eating at the cafeteria and found some stairwells to hide at where no one could watch me eat. He'd even get his friends together and pick on me mercilessly.
Since my high school years I have gone to therapy for my PTSD, anxiety, stress, and truama from all of my years of horrid bullying, and though I have come far forgiving has been the hardest part of all. I see Derp at family gatherings with my fiance' and we've always stayed away from each other, we don't talk to each other and that is the way I like it.
My current dilemma with Derp is my wedding. I love Derp's family, everyone else is so nice to me and my fiance', and I want to address the invitation "Derp Family." I want to invite the mother, father, their adult daughters Derpina and Herpina, their sons Derply, Derpnan, and their adult son Derpmus and his boyfriend Derpla, but I do not want to have Derp's family think that Derp is invited. So how do I address the invitation? Should I send one invite to the mother and father with their two youngest son's name on it, a second invite to the two adult daughters, and a third invite to the adult son and his boyfriend?
One of the daughters still lives at home with the mom and dad, one daughter lives in California, their youngest sons live at home, and their other son lives in California too.
So what I am ultimately asking is when everyone gets their invitations and they notice that Derp is not invited or if they try to invite him what should I say? They don't know that Derp picked on me during school, and plus he would deny it if they asked and worst yet they would believe him since he is practicing on becoming a pastor! What do I do in this situation? How do I word the invites?
Side note: I have not sent out the invitations yet, and no one knows who is invited and who isn't yet.
Before you post: Please don't ask me if I can find it in my heart to forgive this guy, I'll do that on my own time and I am not ready yet, I do not want this person at my wedding where I know by just seeing this guy I'll get an anxiety attack. I don't want that on my wedding day, I want to be happy....not stressed about it because one of my childhood bullies is at my wedding!
I am so sorry that you went through all of this, it sounds absolutely horrible and like you have handled it remarkably well.
I think you should send the invitations in the configuration that you figured out excludes him, and if they say something instruct your FI to explain to them exactly why he cannot attend. I am sure his family doesn't know about the connection, and would be mortified if they knew, since they sound like lovely people.
I'm so sorry you've been so hurt... I would post something more than this but you've asked me not to... Good luck.
I'm so sorry this happened to you, I was bullied, I think most people are in one way or another, if not by peers, by siblings or parents.... luckily my parents found a way to take me out of that scenario and into one where I could thrive...I'm not going to argue with you about being the bigger person since your mind seems made up about his absence from your wedding day, however I sadly know of no way for you to exclude this person without bringing attention to it and hauling all of this past ugliness to light.
Inner envelopes are a way to specify exactly who is or isn't invited, that's not the problem, when this person and his family find out he's been excluded they are going to demand to know why, prepare yourself to answer that, and own your choice.
It might be a first step toward finally facing your bully, confronting him and eventually forgiving him once and for all.
Send the parents and each kid their own invitation, with just their names.
If they ask if Derp is invited, simply say "No." If they ask why, "He and I do not have a close relationship." And... topic change!
Eh...I think ay way this goes down, there will be drama. BUT, if it was me, I would send an invite to the entire family (different invites for folks who live in different houses, same invite for those that still like with the parents). And then wait and see if he actually RSVP's yes. Hope that he does not (and thus your problem is solved and no drama).
IF he does say yes, then have your FI talk to him privately and explain the situation. If this dude is really becoming a pastor, play the higher moral ground card ... and pander to him. Have your FI say something like "Derp, I appreciate you being understanding, JoJo is working on her forgivness from you bullying her through high school...but she is not there yet. She will be at some point, and when that happens, we will welcome you into our home. But it is not going to happen on our wedding day." Have FI go to bat for you!
Or plan your wedding on a day when you know Derp will be occupied with pastor school ;) (evil laugh).
Do they know this about Derp? Maybe you could talk to them about it? Has Derp seen you since school? How does he treat you now?
Can't you send individual invitations instead of a family one?
Thanks for the posts on this, even now I still get choked up, this is a very tender subject for me, but I know the bees here would help me no matter what. I never even thought of my fiance' standing up for me, some how I interalized it and thought it was all going to fall on me to fix, I've realized I need to talk to my FI about this in more detail.
As some of you pointed out I might be facing drama no matter what I do, and that is when I am going to have to stick to my guns even more. @NAvery: You gave a great sentence for me to say if and when this problem comes up, I am definitely going to use it.
@Nona99: Do I put multipule RSVP cards in the envelope? Such as one RSVP to the mom, one to the dad, and two more for their young sons? And thanks, I think you're right that this going through this could help me confront him, and find closure from this guy. Your post was very insightful, thank you.
@lotto: Thank you for the support.
@Rock Hugger: Thanks, I'll be talking with my fiance' about your post, I found it helpful, and plus I think it will help with damage control.
@MrsJenBee: His family does not know this, he is their "golden child." Derp and I see each other at family functions, and we do not talk....he just shoots me dirty looks. If I sit down next to him at family functions he'll get up and walk away. He doesn't say anything rude, but his body language is pretty clear. I think he would try to attend my wedding just for the food, not even thinking....or caring that he knows what he did to me for years.
@relaxedabout it: That is what I was thinking I might do. I was thinking of sending an invite to the mom and dad with their two youngest son's names on it, a second invite to a daughter, a third invite to another daughter, and a fourth invite to their other son and boyfriend.
Send one invitation to the parents, and individual ones to the other kids. If they ask, I'd go ahead and tell them what Derp did. They deserve to know their kid was a total asshole.
@JoJoDahling: I'm not sure of your stationery situation, but if you are certain about excluding him make no mistake about who is invited and who isn't, if that means separate cards, so be it. I'm just so sorry that this has affected you the way it has, honestly I've run into every person that ever bullied me and I cannot tell you how satisfying it is to look them in the eye, realize they were the victims in their own lives and to this day fight a battle they cannot win, while I stroll through life whistling a happy tune, in a new pair of shoes, with good manners and great hair.
You are stronger than he is, don't let your past with him, affect how you deal with him now and in the future.
If I was you, I think I would be honest about the way Derp treated you. People may ask why he is not invited.
Do not invite him. Period. It is your day and anyone who in anyway causes you pain, even to this day is not welcome. It isn't about forgiveness . Someone who could do that at any age has a deep rooted evil inside of them. No. Don't invite him.
I assume the two younger sons are almost adults, like teenagers? In that case, send an invite to each child individually.
Whether it's by inner envelopes or writing names on the invitation itself (I prefer the latter), the actual people invited should be named. If the parents realise their two younger sons are not included on their invite (since (a) they're not named on the invite, and (b) their younger sons get their own), there's no way they'll assume their adult children are included on their invite.
@paula1248: Their younger sons are in elementary school, so they are pretty young. I was thinking of sending one invite to the mom and dad with 4 RSVP cards inside that will have the names of the mom, dad, younger son #1 and younger son #2 and an invite to adult daughter #1 and her boyfriend (with 2 RSVPs), an invite to adult daughter #2 (with 1 RSVP), and one invite to the other adult son and his boyfriend (2 RSVPs), does that sound okay?
Ps. He had numerous oportunities to pull you aside and apologize privately, now that he is an adult. It is a concious choice of his not to, whether from shame, embaressement, or that he really is just the same he always was, doesn't matter.
@SeaIsland: Yeah, I couldn't help but think the same thing when it came to meeting him again years after I left that school, and I've been dating his nephew for 5 1/2 years and we've been to every family event since we first started dating and he hasn't said a word, just given me nasty looks....
@JoJoDahling: Well then the young sons don't get their own invitations. Just make sure the invitation is clearly to those 4 only. Either name them on the invite, or on the inner envelope. And then, yeah, separate ones to the adults. Since the adult daughter who's at home gets her own invite, it's extra clear the adult children aren't included. (I don't think you've said, but I assume Derp doesn't live at home since he's your age?)
Like others have said, I think sooner or later you'll need to explain to his parents why he isn't invited. You should have an answer ready, whether it's the truth or a simple, "He's not invited, I have my reasons".
I would not invite this person. I think it's great that you even said you'll forgive in your own time, I'm not sure that I could or would. Regardless, as PPs have said, I would just make it very clear that he isn't invited, and then explain if necessary what happened and what background there is. That is not someone you want present on your day.
I agree that you should NOT invite him. He's had plenty of time to apologize to you for his behavior. The fact that he hasn't makes me question whether he should even become a pastor -- he should have apologized genuinely at his first opportunity. I'd definitely ask your FI to speak with him if it becomes necessary, to tell him that he isn't invited because of how terribly he treated you when you were younger.
I have so much sympathy; I also have PTSD and extreme social anxiety following a decade of bullying in school. It really did a number on me. *Hugs*
@paula1248: Thank you, I'll be rehearsing with my fiance', and I'll be working on my feelings, and so much more during this.
@Miss Otter: I know for my health I need to work on forgiveness, and to heal these wounds, but as I thought about it today I just got an anxiety attack and realized that I am not emotionally ready yet to accept this guy....or at the very least tolerate him.
@Jijitattoo: Yeah, it is taking a lot of emotional "maturity" and strength to even talk about this, the thought of having to deal with him and his family makes my chest knot up. It has always bothered me that he hasn't come up to me and apologized, especially when I found out he was becoming a pastor, he is still an egotistical, sexist, mean person. He started picking on his younger brother when he kept having problems playing volleyball.
I'm with everyone else. Do whatever you need to to make sure it's clear he is not invited. What a jerk! I was bullied a lot and I would never, ever have one of those people at my wedding, not if they apologized a thousand times, begged to come, and paid me. Never.
I've been dating his nephew for 5 1/2 years and we've been to every family event since we first started dating and he hasn't said a word, just given me nasty looks....
@JoJoDahling: That tells me he's not even sorry about the way he treated you in school.
I agree that if this the route you're going to take then perhaps sending everyone a seperate invite is the way to go.
Just curious, if you're willing to share-how does your FI feel about him not being invited?
@rome116: FI doesn't like him either, he picked on my FI when they were young. Derp and his dad picked on my FI growing up because my FI is Native American, so they made jokes about him being red skinned, and "the typical whiney Native American" and they told him he wasn't truly apart of the family because my FI is adopted.
@strawbabies: That is how I look at it too. With the looks he gives me I know he remembers....
@Bebealways: Yeah, being bullied is a hard thing to over come.
I'm sorry you are going through this. I don't know how you can configure this so not to create drama.
My only suggestion is to go speak to Derp with your FI before you send invites out. I would tell him you are inviting him out of respect for his family....but ask him to make his apologies to not attend out of respect for you and FI. That way nobody needs to know what happened in school and he doesn't have to explain what he did to his family and you don't have to rake over the past...which is obviusly really distressing to you.
@cmsgirl: Couldn't that create drama within itself? What if he tells his parents what we said and they come back with a huge tongue lashing? I am worried we would come out looking like the bad guys on that take....
@JoJoDahling: Noo he is a bully and doesn't want it to get out now that he is going to be a 'pastor'......you have the upper hand....he won't say a word to anyone.
Girl you dont invite him its YOUR day and you dont need extra stress have YOUR day address the envolopes where he knows he is not invited :)
@rebecca_wcc: LOL! I might as well just accept any drama that comes with it, I don't owe this guy anything.
@JoJoDahling If it were me and I was bullied in school not as bad as you describred I would want them to know i dont want my bullies there...you move on when you want to. This person belittled you and judged you and you dont need that on a day for YOU and YOUR FH. If the family says anything tell them how you feel and why you feel that way.
@rebecca_wcc: Thank you. I am having trouble with the idea of confronting him, and what his family might say, I am scared to think they'd stand up for him and make me look like a girl who can't let go or something. I mean his family is nice, but I am pointing a finger at their first born son who is just an angel in their eyes, especially since he is working on becoming a pastor.
@Rock Hugger: +1 If it is your FH's family then he should be the one to answer questions. And they most likely will ask why he is being excluded. Hopefully derp will not push the issue of attending if he is trying to change his life and has found religion.
@JoJoDahling I get that but you know what him becoming a pastor may help the sistuation. Maybe you should try to confront him and explain to him why you would rather him not be present bring your FH with you. IF you want to try and avoid family drama it may be a better chance worth taking.
@michiru4ever: He has been religious all of his life, they are devote, but crazy types of Christians.....I went to their church once and I was kicked out for wearing black...."The Devil's color."
Don't get me wrong, I am a Christian myself, but his beliefs.....well.....I don't know where exactly he is getting them from.
@JoJoDahling: Wow that is crazy. I'm backing oyu up on not inviting him. He actively made your life awful by being such a jerk in school. Yeah, he was a kid, but he is an adult now and it seems like he avoids you instead of trying to make amends for traumatizing you.
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