Inviting everyone in the family but him. Advice?

posted 2 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Were you ever bullied in school?
    Yes. : (38 votes)
    44 %
    No. : (17 votes)
    20 %
    Sometimes. : (13 votes)
    15 %
    Very rarely. : (18 votes)
    21 %
  • Member
    789 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2013

    I am so sorry that you went through all of this, it sounds absolutely horrible and like you have handled it remarkably well.

    I think you should send the invitations in the configuration that you figured out excludes him, and if they say something instruct your FI to explain to them exactly why he cannot attend. I am sure his family doesn’t know about the connection, and would be mortified if they knew, since they sound like lovely people. 

    Member
    2177 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I’m so sorry you’ve been so hurt… I would post something more than this but you’ve asked me not to… Good luck.

    Member
    5794 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    I’m so sorry this happened to you, I was bullied, I think most people are in one way or another, if not by peers, by siblings or parents…. luckily my parents found a way to take me out of that scenario and into one where I could thrive…I’m not going to argue with you about being the bigger person since your mind seems made up about his absence from your wedding day, however I sadly know of no way for you to exclude this person without bringing attention to it and hauling all of this past ugliness to light.

    Inner envelopes are a way to specify exactly who is or isn’t invited, that’s not the problem, when this person and his family find out he’s been excluded they are going to demand to know why, prepare yourself to answer that, and own your choice.

    It might be a first step toward finally facing your bully, confronting him and eventually forgiving him once and for all. 

    Member
    2298 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Send the parents and each kid their own invitation, with just their names.

    If they ask if Derp is invited, simply say “No.” If they ask why, “He and I do not have a close relationship.” And… topic change!

    Member
    763 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: June 2012

    Eh…I think ay way this goes down, there will be drama.  BUT, if it was me, I would send an invite to the entire family (different invites for folks who live in different houses, same invite for those that still like with the parents).  And then wait and see if he actually RSVP’s yes.  Hope that he does not (and thus your problem is solved and no drama).

    IF he does say yes, then have your FI talk to him privately and explain the situation.  If this dude is really becoming a pastor, play the higher moral ground card … and pander to him.  Have your FI say something like “Derp, I appreciate you being understanding, JoJo is working on her forgivness from you bullying her through high school…but she is not there yet.  She will be at some point, and when that happens, we will welcome you into our home.  But it is not going to happen on our wedding day.”  Have FI go to bat for you!

    Or plan your wedding on a day when you know Derp will be occupied with pastor school ;) (evil laugh).

    Member
    1060 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2013

    Do they know this about Derp? Maybe you could talk to them about it? Has Derp seen you since school? How does he treat you now?

    Member
    2969 posts
    Sugar bee

    Can’t you send individual invitations instead of a family one?

    Member
    3236 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: December 2011

    Send one invitation to the parents, and individual ones to the other kids.  If they ask, I’d go ahead and tell them what Derp did.  They deserve to know their kid was a total asshole.  

    Member
    5794 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    @JoJoDahling:  I’m not sure of your stationery situation, but if you are certain about excluding him make no mistake about who is invited and who isn’t, if that means separate cards, so be it.  I’m just so sorry that this has affected you the way it has, honestly I’ve run into every person that ever bullied me and I cannot tell you how satisfying it is to look them in the eye, realize they were the victims in their own lives and to this day fight a battle they cannot win, while I stroll through life whistling a happy tune, in a new pair of shoes, with good manners and great hair.

    You are stronger than he is, don’t let your past with him, affect how you deal with him now and in the future.   

    Member
    7821 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper
    • Wedding: July 2010

    If I was you, I think I would be honest about the way Derp treated you.  People may ask why he is not invited. 

    Member
    38 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    Do not invite him. Period. It is your day and anyone who in anyway causes you pain, even to this day is not welcome. It isn’t about forgiveness . Someone who could do that at any age has a deep rooted evil inside of them. No. Don’t invite him.

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