(Closed) Inviting my fiancee's EX to the wedding..??? It's complicated.. :(

posted 6 years ago in Etiquette
  • poll: Should I invite my fiancee's Ex to the wedding?
    Try to be the bigger person and invite the EX and her fiancee despite it really bothering you. : (34 votes)
    19 %
    Don't invite her. It's your day and you shouldn't let the Ex's presence mar your wedding. : (128 votes)
    71 %
    Oh this is a tough one... : (18 votes)
    10 %
  • Post # 3
    9955 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper
    • Wedding: December 2012

    I don’t believe there is an Etiquettte Rule on this per se…

    BUT I will say that the general rule of thumb for most Brides & Grooms… IS NO EXES

    This is most certainly the current couple’s big day (You and Your Groom) … so why have anyone potentially steal the show ?  (If not them directly… then certainly other Guests who know the history could be whispering about it)

    If she isn’t present… sure someone might notice, but most folks will just be sooo consumed with what is happening, they won’t notice what isn’t

    Hope this helps,

    PS… And oh ya, don’t worry about anyone else’s feelings in her family… if they have half-a-brain they’ll be able to figure out WHY she didn’t get the Invite.  And By The Way if you should get an Invite to her Wedding… do the Gracious thing and don’t go… (if you are cornered for a reason, just say you must beg off because you have previously made plans) but do send a card / present… it would be the classy thing to do IMO

    PPS… One of the perks of “Married Life” is you kind of get an opportunity to re-invent yourself / yourselves… the circle of friends for a couple, tends to be a bit different from when you were single.  So this would be a good time, to be less close to this person IMO.


    Post # 4
    69 posts
    Worker bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    @Guest13894:  no exes,

    what happens if this girl tries to up stage u on ur big day… wears white or something?? jealous ex symdrome on ur day wud be awful!

    social graces and all, u have who u want at ur day, my fella doesnt want his dad there at ours, my family think its a bit strange but he hasnt spoke to him in 18 years or more.

    my sis didnt invite an uncle cos her fella didnt like him ( he had been very ignorant to her husband to be) caused a bit of a family fall out… but soo what…. the people that wanted to be at her wedding still went.. and thats what u want around u on ur big day and if other people dont understand it … well its not about them! im sure if they all put them selves in ur shoes they wouldnt want an ex their either.. but they will probably forget to think about it like that! i wouldnt want anyone that cud hurt my ex so badly to be at our wedding. gud luck

    Post # 6
    2106 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    You have no obligation to invite her. In fact, her family would probably understand without anything needing to be said. 

    A social unit is a couple, not all family members. 

    Post # 7
    1902 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: July 2012

    Have you or your fiance tried talking with his ex and her family? In most circumstances, I think it would be fine not to invite an ex, but given that her family is so close to your fiance’s, it could be complicated and cause issues if she’s not invited.

    Obviously, your fiance is close to her brother – has he tried talking with her brother about their feelings on the subject? From what you’ve said, it doesn’t seem as though your fiance’s ex would show up at the wedding to cause drama or to upstage you – she seems to have moved on in her life and her main reason for staying in touch with you fiance (aside from the strong family connection), may be because she genuinely likes him and cares for him as a friend. I think communication is key here in figuring out what to do – get your fiance to talk with his family and his ex’s family. Even if they can’t offer any insight, at least they will understand your feelings on the topic and why you two don’t want to invite her.

    Post # 8
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    I would feel the same way as you!  it would be very stressful to have her around! oh gosh, this reminds me of that terrible song, “lips of an angel” I hope you are #1 sounds like he is not over her yet which is really sad.

     NO EXS AT WEDDINGS, she should understand that! I am still close with an ex boyfriend from college, we talk every now and then.  There are absolutly no romantic feelings there and my husband is fine with our friendship, dont think he would have liked him at our wedding though and I didnt even think about inviting him to the wedding and my friend, the ex, completly understands.  Its just not appropriate.  I did invite some muttual friends of ours, it really was not a problem.

    This day is about you and your soon to be husband, this is YOUR day, not her day if you are not ok with it, which I wouldnt be either do not invite her!  Its SOOO time to break ties with this woman, this is not a real firendship.  They both need to move on

    Post # 9
    3626 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    They dated in high school and that’s it. How serious could it have been? I might invite her to keep the peace with the Future In-Laws. If Fiance had a hard time getting over her, that’s not her fault – it sounds like a hangup of his.

    Post # 10
    3697 posts
    Sugar bee

    Going to go against the crowd here and point out that …

    – yes, a wedding is the couple’s day, but it’s also (at least traditionally) a family and community celebration, and it sounds like it would cause a lot of fallout with the FI’s family to single out this person and exclude her from the lifelong neighbors’ family invitation.

    – clearly, both the Fiance and the ex-girlfriend have moved on with their lives and are each getting married to other people. If the OP is unwilling to invite her to the wedding, it seems like she’s kind of insecure, which is too bad.

    – There doesn’t seem to be any indication in the OP that this girl would do anything crazily inappropriate like show up in white, try to upstage the bride, etc. Try to be gracious and give her the benefit of the doubt. If you’re really anxious about it, ask your bridesmaids to run interference for you and keep an eye on her during the reception, etc., but don’t leave her off the invitation list.

    In fact, I suspect doing so would turn this into a way bigger deal than it deserves to be. If you do, you’ll probably be hearing about it from FI’s family and their neighbors (who it sounds like they typically see at holidays, etc.) for years to come. Just because it’s “the couple’s day” doesn’t give the couple a blank check to indulge in selfish behavior – you still have a responsibility to be gracious. I think the OP knows this, which is why she is uneasy about not inviting this girl. My advice, take it or leave it, is to be the bigger person and invite her.

    Post # 11
    1471 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: April 2012

    it worries me that it bothers him to see his ex with her fiance!  Why should it bother him? he is with you, she should not matter that way anymore!  

    do you feel like you are truly #1 to him?  I think you really need to talk to your Fiance about this, maybe he can talk to his family and get there opinion on it

    Post # 13
    1360 posts
    Bumble bee

    @Future Mrs K:  I agree with your statements, and was just thinking the same thing.

    I wouldn’t invite her, ‘family’ association be damned. She’s still an ex, there’s still hard feelings apparently, and it’s obviously making you worry enough to ask people about it. She’ll get over one day, and if she doesn’t? Then it’s probably better if ties are cut with her altogether.

    Post # 14
    263 posts
    Helper bee

    Have you asked your inlaws their opinion, or how they think her family would react? They know the situation better than we do. Alternately, could his parents talk to her parents and explain the situation before invites go out, so at least no one is surprised?

    If you do invite her, feel free to seat her at the worst possible table, you know there’s always one that is stuck in a back corner where you can’t see and get served last. And maybe get her entree order wrong accidentally. Wink

    Post # 15
    1330 posts
    Bumble bee

    If it were the second love, the tenth love..okay.

    But first loves? We all remember our first loves…that sacred first love that sits so close to our heart. I would not invite an EX generally, but definitely not Fiance first love. If you are still feeling so strongly about this then listen to your gut on this one. You can try to save face and do the nice thing but the only thing you should be thinking about no your wedding is marrying your Fiance, not seeing ex Girlfriend while you walk down the aisle.

    Post # 16
    4 posts
    • Wedding: October 2012

    I think you should apply the same rules as you might to bridal party selection: Your guests/bridal party should reflect your life as it is now, not as it used to be/you want it to be. 

    If you haven’t been socially close to them, the only reason is to invite them is some perceived obligation. You might hurt some feelings, but unless you’re inviting everyone you know, you do risk that wherever you draw the guest-list line. 

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